Zechariah...

I have been thinking about my brother all day. I couldn't help but analyze in my head some of the things he had said. He said that the abuse from my mother was bad but the abuse from Preston (my biological half brother) was the worst. He had been afraid to tell what had happened to him at the hands of Preston because he was "loyal" to his family. Those are his words. That hit me deep. I don't think, but I am not sure, if he still harbors some anger towards me for what I did. It was not the appropriate time to question where his "loyalty" comes from and if it is disguising guilt. I found it odd and unsettling how he can say he is close with our mother and how he seems to stand up for her...after all she has done. He told me that she has changed and is even encouraging to him. We discussed Rebecca's leaving. Zech said that he is concerned for mother after Rebecca leaves and seemed to question Rebecca's motives. I had to tell him that mother is not Becca's responsibility and not even his responsibility. My fear is that Zech is being manipulated in a most dangerous way. I had mentioned that Rebecca was afraid that mom would find out she had called me. Zech said that mom has never told anyone they cannot speak to me...she simply said to keep her out of it, whatever that means. I asked Rebecca about that and she reminded me of the flowers I sent her for graduation. Mom told her that if she was going to write me a letter that mom would have to read it first. When Rebecca called me instead, I replied to her with a letter of my own. Mom made her read it out loud. After making her throw the letter away "because of all the lies I was telling in it", mom yelled at Rebecca for calling me "behind her back. Sounds like complete freedom to me...or rather not!!! Zech seems to put full trust behind what mother is telling him...that is what worries me. I do need to remember that not everyone will heal like me. The journey is not the same for everyone. For me to tell him he is wrong to stand up for her or even speak to her would be wrong. I can't assume because it sounds suspicious to me that it is all a lie. The fact is that I haven't spoken to my mother in almost 5 years. I don't know her anymore. I do have to wonder though...if she is so changed than why is she still angry with me? If one changes isn't is because something was wrong before? Why am I still the black sheep? I know why but somehow the truth is lost on the rest of the family.

As I begin to prepare to make my 800 mile trip home...I begin to feel a little loss. The cold and the snow is all inviting to me! All that is missing is a home to go to. I'll be in a hotel room all by myself. I haven't been by myself for almost 9 years and for the last 3 years I haven't had more than an hour a say to myself. Here I am getting ready for 7 days to go where I want when I want...it will be glorious!!! Anyway, I begin to long for things to have been different. I wish I could introduce my children to their relatives without the stigma of how those people are capable of harming my children. I can't change what has happened...wishing for it is a waste of time and pointless. I guess that was me feeling sorry for myself...a brief stop on my daily journey. I am left with the facts...things are not ideal and they may never be. I have the right and the ability to keep my babies safe. As long as I have overcome (an daily, continuous process) the past will be the past...and my children will never lament over their lost childhoods.