God...fill the silence. God let me draw on your love BEFORE I feel forgotten. FILL ME with the Truth. Pour it over me.
When people let me down keep me from running away. Remind me to STAY! Soothe the wounds they leave behind. I am here...I want a new way, TEACH ME HOW TO LIVE!!! I don't want to go back. I want to hold nothing back even when no one answers...
You be the one to give me what I need. Be real...God be real to me. Crumble my fears...pierce my doubts...stomp out the lies!!
SHOW me that in You I am good enough.
I am good.
In You I have everything.
I have everything.
You make all things work together for my good.
You love me.
Fill me God, fill me so the emptiness is gone and You remain. Fill me with what is good. Hear my cries for love and rescue me. I want to hear You. May the good things of this world be only a benefit to what I feel for You. Help me...help me fight through the "funk" and come out whole on the other side. I am not afraid...I am not afraid to seek and find You. I am not afraid.
Friday, June 1, 2012
Monday, May 14, 2012
Stay...
It is going to sound incredibly cliche when I say...I have no idea where to start to catch you all up. God's timing is an incredible and very accurate experience.
In dealing with our house (still living in Evan's parent's house) I have had a choice to be angry and worried or to realize I have no control. I can't say that I haven't worried over this monstrous problem. Worry can seep in when I am reminded how big this is and how much I can't fix. This is where I have a choice. Do I stay in the worry? Or, do I take in a DEEP breath and remember God has promised to take care of me. God PROMISED!! I have to live in the promise, I do, and I can tell you it is much more relaxing.
So, of course, living in my mother-in-law's home has forced the lines of communication open again. We've had to keep them updated on the latest news with our house, etc. I had closed the door on "all that". I had worked so hard to accept that a relationship with her would only go as far as talking about the kids and a lot of other small talk. She would never know me and never want to know me. Now, having to talk with her almost daily forced me to face the longing I still have for a mother. Ugh, facing my needs is so ugly to me. It made me feel so exposed an I HATE being unable to hide. I usually stuff those longings back down inside. I can run from them until the emptiness has faded. BUT...that only keeps me on the road of loneliness, sadness...emptiness, etc. As "protective" as those things are they do not lead to living the fullest life...and I want to live the fullest life. I have made another choice recently. I choose not to run from my emotions, even the ones that came with longing. In other words ,the ones who make me feel like I am being skinned alive from the inside out. So, I stayed in the longing and it was HORRIBLE people, just horrible. I wept. I wept a lot.
In wanting to find a way to soothe the longing and sadness I watched the "Passion of the Christ" over Easter weekend. I didn't really know where else to go. I needed a way to find some relief...something short of reaching down inside my body and rubbing salve on my heart...seriously!!! I have watched that movie several times. It is a great movie but it is just a movie. But this time it was different. From the first scene I was already seeing it in a new way. I watched "Jesus" struggling in the garden. I realized, as if for the first, time that Jesus struggled. He struggled and wrestled with His Father. Jesus begged God to let the "cup pass from Him". He didn't want to die. He didn't want to be beaten. He didn't want to be ridiculed. He didn't want to be spat on. He didn't want to be betrayed. He didn't want to be tortured...He had done nothing wrong. His spirit was willing to follow his Father...to His death but His body was "weak". He didn't want to endure what was to come. He had to make a choice. Did He love us enough to die a painful death? Did He love us enough to give up the power to walk away? Could He give up the power to break the chains they'd lock Him in? Could He give up the power to come down off the Cross to prove who He was? Did He love us enough to hang naked on a cross in unbearable pain and to suffocate to death? He could and He did. He chose us...each one of us. Love drove Him. Love drove Him to stand and be beaten for me. Love drove Him to bleed for me. Love drove Him to let a crown of thorns be pushed into His scalp for me. Love drove Him to drag a heavy cross for miles...after being tortured, for me. Love drove Him to lay down on the cross and allow them to drive nails into His hands and feet for me. Love drove Him not to fight back so that He could save me. He did these for all man kind and just for me all at the same time. If I had been the only one to ever be born into this world again, Jesus would have done all these things just for me...just to have me back...just to have me for eternity. My emptiness was filled. My longing for a mother and a father would always be with me. I was made to love...I was born for love and relationship. My parents should have loved me. They should have cherished me and delighted in me so that when I was told that Jesus loved me, cherished me, and delighted in me I would know what those things "felt" like. Isn't it genius how God sets that up?? How we are born to a mother and father who (should) model these things as best they can so that we are set up to let God wrap us in these things perfectly! So many of us never have parents who model God for us. How can we possibly understand God's love and affection without seeing it modeled? All things are possible with God. He will always find a way to redeem (as far as I understand) what was intended, what was lost...when we are ready and open to receive.
Always and perhaps when and where we least expect it...
Evan's mom and dad were planning a trip to the states for "ministry" last month when Diane asked me to do a few things to help with the scheduling. One day were typing back and forth in a chat room. The conversation, as always, turned to talking about the kids. I commented on how much I loved to see Eli attached to his Uncle (her son) so much and how sweet it is to hear Madeline tell me every 20 minutes how much she loves her grandma!! Diane said a few things about family and how she couldn't imagine the family with out me in it.
My heart panged with longing...
Stay with ME...
Oh, God...this hurts!
I mentioned how my current group study of "Wounded Heart" was really hard.
Oh God, why did I say that...I opened this up but she doesn't want me...my heart will break!!
Stay with me, my love!
Diane asked me if I wanted to share. I reminded her that she had told me she didn't want to discuss these "heart issues" with me. Thinking the conversation could stop there and I could run away from her and my longing!
Nope!!
She told me she had meant she didn't want to be responsible for giving advice and counseling to me from so far away but that she always wanted to know what I was learning and how I was growing. I told her I had taken her words to mean she didn't want my emotion...that she didn't want me. I told her that it had hurt me to think those things but that I knew I was a lot to handle. I told her how I had reworked our relationship in my head. She was grandmother to my children and mother to my husband and that was it. I was okay with me...I didn't have to admit my longing. I could stay safely inside my self. I was lonely but I was protected.
She apologized but I told her it was no ones fault...just a unfortunate miscommunication. Then she asked me something that shook my fortress...
"Can I come back?"
WHAT!!!!! (I reread the question several times half hoping I had read it wrong or that it would disappear.)What...no one wants to come back to me! No one wants me really...is she serious? This can't be for real. Maybe if I ignore this it will go away...GO AWAY!!!
STAY, MY LOVE...STAY!
I always have music playing. That day was no different. The song playing was "Come Away" by Jesus Culture. The instant her request popped up on my screen (and after my inner monologue stopped screaming "GO AWAY") I heard the words of the chorus, "Open up your heart and let Me in, open up your heart and let Me in, ..."
God? God it isn't safe! She doesn't want me! God...NO!! NO!! NO!!
Open up your heart and let ME in...STAY!!
Stay...stay...stay...
But God, NO!!!
Stay, my love...trust...peace!
....is this it, God? Is this really the way I should go? If I 'stay' will I find You? If I let her in will I find You?
Go, my love...go
But, GOD, I don't know how! I don't know what to do? I am afraid God! Please, let there be an easier way! Please God...this isn't safe!
Stay, 'MY' love...
Peace comes. I strip away the wall...my protection. I trust you, God. No turning back! I will give it all...I will!
I tell her I don't know what I am supposed to do. I don't know how to be someones daughter. She says, "Can we try and walk through it together?" I asked her if she was sure she wanted to do this. I have made up my mind, no turning back...she'd better be ready!!
I am not coming back to this beginning again. This is it! I will love...I will LOVE and I will be LOVED!! NO turning back...no turning back!!
She was sure...that I have been a "daughter" all along...that she loves me for who I am...that my changing or not changing is not a measure of the love she has for me...
Receive, my love, RECEIVE!!
I receive...I receive
What have I done? I have squandered this relationship! I have judged and I have misinterpreted this woman's affections for...years! I have taken everything and offered nothing in return. I have walked away and caused another person the same pain I am trying to recover from. I am guilty. I have abused. Oh God, I am...sorry. I mourn. I weep. I repent.
I am a daughter, now and forever. I am safe. I can rest. I give...and I receive. I need, I ask for what I need and I receive.
But God, what if I fail? What if she hurts me?
Stay...
No turning back...I am not afraid.
What an incredible ability it is to "receive". I mean seriously receive and embrace love unabashedly, unchained, and without second thought...as was always meant for me. I receive what God gives...what Diane gives...like a child soaking up her mother's praise. I drink deep in God's promise that this exposure will lead me straight to Him. I STAY in obedience and in desperation to feel my God. I stay here to learn to be loved and to love in return...so that I know God's love and so I can love Him. So that I REALLY know and feel God LOVE ME!! I does not matter whose mother she is...she is mine too. I have a voice and a place and a love deeper than any parental love I have EVER known.
Thank you, God. Thank you!
In dealing with our house (still living in Evan's parent's house) I have had a choice to be angry and worried or to realize I have no control. I can't say that I haven't worried over this monstrous problem. Worry can seep in when I am reminded how big this is and how much I can't fix. This is where I have a choice. Do I stay in the worry? Or, do I take in a DEEP breath and remember God has promised to take care of me. God PROMISED!! I have to live in the promise, I do, and I can tell you it is much more relaxing.
So, of course, living in my mother-in-law's home has forced the lines of communication open again. We've had to keep them updated on the latest news with our house, etc. I had closed the door on "all that". I had worked so hard to accept that a relationship with her would only go as far as talking about the kids and a lot of other small talk. She would never know me and never want to know me. Now, having to talk with her almost daily forced me to face the longing I still have for a mother. Ugh, facing my needs is so ugly to me. It made me feel so exposed an I HATE being unable to hide. I usually stuff those longings back down inside. I can run from them until the emptiness has faded. BUT...that only keeps me on the road of loneliness, sadness...emptiness, etc. As "protective" as those things are they do not lead to living the fullest life...and I want to live the fullest life. I have made another choice recently. I choose not to run from my emotions, even the ones that came with longing. In other words ,the ones who make me feel like I am being skinned alive from the inside out. So, I stayed in the longing and it was HORRIBLE people, just horrible. I wept. I wept a lot.
In wanting to find a way to soothe the longing and sadness I watched the "Passion of the Christ" over Easter weekend. I didn't really know where else to go. I needed a way to find some relief...something short of reaching down inside my body and rubbing salve on my heart...seriously!!! I have watched that movie several times. It is a great movie but it is just a movie. But this time it was different. From the first scene I was already seeing it in a new way. I watched "Jesus" struggling in the garden. I realized, as if for the first, time that Jesus struggled. He struggled and wrestled with His Father. Jesus begged God to let the "cup pass from Him". He didn't want to die. He didn't want to be beaten. He didn't want to be ridiculed. He didn't want to be spat on. He didn't want to be betrayed. He didn't want to be tortured...He had done nothing wrong. His spirit was willing to follow his Father...to His death but His body was "weak". He didn't want to endure what was to come. He had to make a choice. Did He love us enough to die a painful death? Did He love us enough to give up the power to walk away? Could He give up the power to break the chains they'd lock Him in? Could He give up the power to come down off the Cross to prove who He was? Did He love us enough to hang naked on a cross in unbearable pain and to suffocate to death? He could and He did. He chose us...each one of us. Love drove Him. Love drove Him to stand and be beaten for me. Love drove Him to bleed for me. Love drove Him to let a crown of thorns be pushed into His scalp for me. Love drove Him to drag a heavy cross for miles...after being tortured, for me. Love drove Him to lay down on the cross and allow them to drive nails into His hands and feet for me. Love drove Him not to fight back so that He could save me. He did these for all man kind and just for me all at the same time. If I had been the only one to ever be born into this world again, Jesus would have done all these things just for me...just to have me back...just to have me for eternity. My emptiness was filled. My longing for a mother and a father would always be with me. I was made to love...I was born for love and relationship. My parents should have loved me. They should have cherished me and delighted in me so that when I was told that Jesus loved me, cherished me, and delighted in me I would know what those things "felt" like. Isn't it genius how God sets that up?? How we are born to a mother and father who (should) model these things as best they can so that we are set up to let God wrap us in these things perfectly! So many of us never have parents who model God for us. How can we possibly understand God's love and affection without seeing it modeled? All things are possible with God. He will always find a way to redeem (as far as I understand) what was intended, what was lost...when we are ready and open to receive.
Always and perhaps when and where we least expect it...
Evan's mom and dad were planning a trip to the states for "ministry" last month when Diane asked me to do a few things to help with the scheduling. One day were typing back and forth in a chat room. The conversation, as always, turned to talking about the kids. I commented on how much I loved to see Eli attached to his Uncle (her son) so much and how sweet it is to hear Madeline tell me every 20 minutes how much she loves her grandma!! Diane said a few things about family and how she couldn't imagine the family with out me in it.
My heart panged with longing...
Stay with ME...
Oh, God...this hurts!
I mentioned how my current group study of "Wounded Heart" was really hard.
Oh God, why did I say that...I opened this up but she doesn't want me...my heart will break!!
Stay with me, my love!
Diane asked me if I wanted to share. I reminded her that she had told me she didn't want to discuss these "heart issues" with me. Thinking the conversation could stop there and I could run away from her and my longing!
Nope!!
She told me she had meant she didn't want to be responsible for giving advice and counseling to me from so far away but that she always wanted to know what I was learning and how I was growing. I told her I had taken her words to mean she didn't want my emotion...that she didn't want me. I told her that it had hurt me to think those things but that I knew I was a lot to handle. I told her how I had reworked our relationship in my head. She was grandmother to my children and mother to my husband and that was it. I was okay with me...I didn't have to admit my longing. I could stay safely inside my self. I was lonely but I was protected.
She apologized but I told her it was no ones fault...just a unfortunate miscommunication. Then she asked me something that shook my fortress...
"Can I come back?"
WHAT!!!!! (I reread the question several times half hoping I had read it wrong or that it would disappear.)What...no one wants to come back to me! No one wants me really...is she serious? This can't be for real. Maybe if I ignore this it will go away...GO AWAY!!!
STAY, MY LOVE...STAY!
I always have music playing. That day was no different. The song playing was "Come Away" by Jesus Culture. The instant her request popped up on my screen (and after my inner monologue stopped screaming "GO AWAY") I heard the words of the chorus, "Open up your heart and let Me in, open up your heart and let Me in, ..."
God? God it isn't safe! She doesn't want me! God...NO!! NO!! NO!!
Open up your heart and let ME in...STAY!!
Stay...stay...stay...
But God, NO!!!
Stay, my love...trust...peace!
....is this it, God? Is this really the way I should go? If I 'stay' will I find You? If I let her in will I find You?
Go, my love...go
But, GOD, I don't know how! I don't know what to do? I am afraid God! Please, let there be an easier way! Please God...this isn't safe!
Stay, 'MY' love...
Peace comes. I strip away the wall...my protection. I trust you, God. No turning back! I will give it all...I will!
I tell her I don't know what I am supposed to do. I don't know how to be someones daughter. She says, "Can we try and walk through it together?" I asked her if she was sure she wanted to do this. I have made up my mind, no turning back...she'd better be ready!!
I am not coming back to this beginning again. This is it! I will love...I will LOVE and I will be LOVED!! NO turning back...no turning back!!
She was sure...that I have been a "daughter" all along...that she loves me for who I am...that my changing or not changing is not a measure of the love she has for me...
Receive, my love, RECEIVE!!
I receive...I receive
What have I done? I have squandered this relationship! I have judged and I have misinterpreted this woman's affections for...years! I have taken everything and offered nothing in return. I have walked away and caused another person the same pain I am trying to recover from. I am guilty. I have abused. Oh God, I am...sorry. I mourn. I weep. I repent.
I am a daughter, now and forever. I am safe. I can rest. I give...and I receive. I need, I ask for what I need and I receive.
But God, what if I fail? What if she hurts me?
Stay...
No turning back...I am not afraid.
What an incredible ability it is to "receive". I mean seriously receive and embrace love unabashedly, unchained, and without second thought...as was always meant for me. I receive what God gives...what Diane gives...like a child soaking up her mother's praise. I drink deep in God's promise that this exposure will lead me straight to Him. I STAY in obedience and in desperation to feel my God. I stay here to learn to be loved and to love in return...so that I know God's love and so I can love Him. So that I REALLY know and feel God LOVE ME!! I does not matter whose mother she is...she is mine too. I have a voice and a place and a love deeper than any parental love I have EVER known.
Thank you, God. Thank you!
Thursday, February 23, 2012
Who knows
You know how most of us can can say, "I am not who I once was."? I can safely say, "I am not who I was six months ago"!! I don't even know when I posted last. Life has been CA-RAZY, even at times sort of unbelievable. I am writing to you from my in-laws house. We have moved out of our house...but let me start from a few weeks ago.
Most of you will remember my post about losing my mixer and then the television, among other things. I was so puzzled by the "silence of God". Well, a few weeks ago, as we were putting the kids to bed, Evan flipped on the heater in their room. All of the sudden we heard loud pops and then a burning smell. That was IT!! We called an electrician friend to come and help us figure out what was wrong. So many things breaking was too much of a coincidence. He came...took a look at our OLD fuse box...and came to the conclusion that the house should never have been sold to us without the electrical system being brought up to date (not even up to the 1970's standards). Indeed an electrician had signed off on our house BUT he was a friend of the previous owner. My immediate suspicion was that that man had never set foot in the house but wrote the letter as a favor! I.WAS.LIVID!!! How dare someone disregard our safety is such a way. All the things that could have happened.... Humbling for sure. We moved next door that afternoon. The kids acted like it was a vacation!! I was so worried about Eli. Knowing he would not understand what was happening and why we couldn't go home. It took about a week for him to get up and get ready for school without a tantrum but we made it through. The only time he has asked to go home was to get a toy!! Madeline is just pleased to be along for the ride...love that!! A friend shared a thought with me that really rings in my head a lot..."if this had to happen, this is the best scenario (moving into a home Eli knows well)". PLUS, there is a dishwasher, lots of cupboard and counter space...all things missing on my house:-). We bring over what we need when we need it and have gotten into a routine that everyone likes.
Now, the future is even more unclear. We have had a second electrician come and he confirmed the house was "unsellable" when we bought it. We are going to have a third electrician come...just to make sure. Our next move is one that goes against our grain...as Christians and just as people trying to live honestly. We plan to sue the electrician who inspected the house originally. I have a letter he wrote and signed saying the electric was in "good working order and presented no hazard". This is clearly untrue. It is an expensive repair to rewire a home, about $2200-$2500. I am sure this man made this mistake unintentionally...but if something had happened...if our home had burned down and we had lost our lives...well, lets just say he could have been held accountable for something much much worse.
These trials of ours started back in September when our car broke down. Then a few weeks after that Evan was told his hours at work would be cut from 50 to 40. We lost 1/3 of our income (after taxes, 401k, and savings). I began looking for work and was unsuccessful. As we adjusted to the cut in income (we stopped saving money in savings account and 401k) we had to cut everything...I mean everything! There were weeks where all we ate was peanut butter and jelly or cereal! We had $50 or less to buy food and gas each week and Evan drives about 50 miles a day to work and back. It is 31 miles to take Eli to therapy each week and back. We went no where and spent no money. The kids birthdays and Christmas was "creative" to say the least. But, we never went without food. We never overdrew our checking account. The cars never ran out of gasoline (you can drive about 20 miles after the light comes on...hehehe). We stayed warm. The bills were paid on time. We had a great Christmas with family. We laughed, we cried (a lot)...but we made it. I know it sounds like the hard times are over. Well, they aren't nothing has changed. I still am unemployed and we are lucky if Evan gets more than 40 hours at work. But everything is lined up for us...even sales at the grocery stores have been exactly what we have needed. We were without Internet for a week..I made not sales online until THE DAY we had it transferred and turned back on. What we need comes right when we need it. I see God caring for me when the situation seems so unbelievably impossible to overcome. I don't know what will happen. I have feared the future several times over these weeks. But I know I can't do it...I can't pay for it...I can't fix it...I can't change this reality. I can choose to be mad...I can choose to worry until my stomach is turned in knots...I can choose to let the stress overtake me (and sometimes it creeps up in me)...or I can choose to let it go. You guys, I am not a loony, I still worry because I don't know what is going to happen and I LIKE to know what will happen. The element of surprise is wasted on me!!! But when my stress and worry begins to lead me into feeling overwhelmed and despair...I HAVE to shrug my shoulders and know...I can't change this...I CAN'T. God HAS to fix this in whatever way He has worked out...I just can't do it. And frankly, I don't want to have to figure this mess out. HAHAHA, God, just let me know when to move...again. I have seen God's care all throughout these last two months especially. It is woven in and out of each day. It was in the kindness of strangers blessing us with money, food, or work. I could have felt guilty (I did a little)...but God washed over me with a promise, that someday I will be called to do these things for another and that I will have the means to do so. Isn't that so so exciting?!?!?! Someday I can be a bridge for another to see God caring for them. SO, no, I am not the same person that harbored my body six months ago. I don't know if letting God care for me will ever be my first instinct...that I will not have to have a war in my head over choosing God or choosing control (what control??)...but I like choosing God this way. I like knowing I made a good choice. I like knowing my choice makes me easier for my husband and children to be around. It isn't always as easy as I made it sound here. This situation is totally unfair. I struggled so so so much with anger over watching my son struggle with this change. I am already angry at the time when we have to change things again when we move back home. He will struggle then too. But, who knows when that will happen (well I know Who, but He never tells me that stuff:-/). It is hard to feel settled in someone elses home but it is what it is...now excuse me as I go empty the dishwasher (yay!!!!!!).
Most of you will remember my post about losing my mixer and then the television, among other things. I was so puzzled by the "silence of God". Well, a few weeks ago, as we were putting the kids to bed, Evan flipped on the heater in their room. All of the sudden we heard loud pops and then a burning smell. That was IT!! We called an electrician friend to come and help us figure out what was wrong. So many things breaking was too much of a coincidence. He came...took a look at our OLD fuse box...and came to the conclusion that the house should never have been sold to us without the electrical system being brought up to date (not even up to the 1970's standards). Indeed an electrician had signed off on our house BUT he was a friend of the previous owner. My immediate suspicion was that that man had never set foot in the house but wrote the letter as a favor! I.WAS.LIVID!!! How dare someone disregard our safety is such a way. All the things that could have happened.... Humbling for sure. We moved next door that afternoon. The kids acted like it was a vacation!! I was so worried about Eli. Knowing he would not understand what was happening and why we couldn't go home. It took about a week for him to get up and get ready for school without a tantrum but we made it through. The only time he has asked to go home was to get a toy!! Madeline is just pleased to be along for the ride...love that!! A friend shared a thought with me that really rings in my head a lot..."if this had to happen, this is the best scenario (moving into a home Eli knows well)". PLUS, there is a dishwasher, lots of cupboard and counter space...all things missing on my house:-). We bring over what we need when we need it and have gotten into a routine that everyone likes.
Now, the future is even more unclear. We have had a second electrician come and he confirmed the house was "unsellable" when we bought it. We are going to have a third electrician come...just to make sure. Our next move is one that goes against our grain...as Christians and just as people trying to live honestly. We plan to sue the electrician who inspected the house originally. I have a letter he wrote and signed saying the electric was in "good working order and presented no hazard". This is clearly untrue. It is an expensive repair to rewire a home, about $2200-$2500. I am sure this man made this mistake unintentionally...but if something had happened...if our home had burned down and we had lost our lives...well, lets just say he could have been held accountable for something much much worse.
These trials of ours started back in September when our car broke down. Then a few weeks after that Evan was told his hours at work would be cut from 50 to 40. We lost 1/3 of our income (after taxes, 401k, and savings). I began looking for work and was unsuccessful. As we adjusted to the cut in income (we stopped saving money in savings account and 401k) we had to cut everything...I mean everything! There were weeks where all we ate was peanut butter and jelly or cereal! We had $50 or less to buy food and gas each week and Evan drives about 50 miles a day to work and back. It is 31 miles to take Eli to therapy each week and back. We went no where and spent no money. The kids birthdays and Christmas was "creative" to say the least. But, we never went without food. We never overdrew our checking account. The cars never ran out of gasoline (you can drive about 20 miles after the light comes on...hehehe). We stayed warm. The bills were paid on time. We had a great Christmas with family. We laughed, we cried (a lot)...but we made it. I know it sounds like the hard times are over. Well, they aren't nothing has changed. I still am unemployed and we are lucky if Evan gets more than 40 hours at work. But everything is lined up for us...even sales at the grocery stores have been exactly what we have needed. We were without Internet for a week..I made not sales online until THE DAY we had it transferred and turned back on. What we need comes right when we need it. I see God caring for me when the situation seems so unbelievably impossible to overcome. I don't know what will happen. I have feared the future several times over these weeks. But I know I can't do it...I can't pay for it...I can't fix it...I can't change this reality. I can choose to be mad...I can choose to worry until my stomach is turned in knots...I can choose to let the stress overtake me (and sometimes it creeps up in me)...or I can choose to let it go. You guys, I am not a loony, I still worry because I don't know what is going to happen and I LIKE to know what will happen. The element of surprise is wasted on me!!! But when my stress and worry begins to lead me into feeling overwhelmed and despair...I HAVE to shrug my shoulders and know...I can't change this...I CAN'T. God HAS to fix this in whatever way He has worked out...I just can't do it. And frankly, I don't want to have to figure this mess out. HAHAHA, God, just let me know when to move...again. I have seen God's care all throughout these last two months especially. It is woven in and out of each day. It was in the kindness of strangers blessing us with money, food, or work. I could have felt guilty (I did a little)...but God washed over me with a promise, that someday I will be called to do these things for another and that I will have the means to do so. Isn't that so so exciting?!?!?! Someday I can be a bridge for another to see God caring for them. SO, no, I am not the same person that harbored my body six months ago. I don't know if letting God care for me will ever be my first instinct...that I will not have to have a war in my head over choosing God or choosing control (what control??)...but I like choosing God this way. I like knowing I made a good choice. I like knowing my choice makes me easier for my husband and children to be around. It isn't always as easy as I made it sound here. This situation is totally unfair. I struggled so so so much with anger over watching my son struggle with this change. I am already angry at the time when we have to change things again when we move back home. He will struggle then too. But, who knows when that will happen (well I know Who, but He never tells me that stuff:-/). It is hard to feel settled in someone elses home but it is what it is...now excuse me as I go empty the dishwasher (yay!!!!!!).
Wednesday, January 11, 2012
Open mouth, insert foot!!
I felt like such a heel after my last post. In the 2 days that followed I had a few people come to me for prayer over some SERIOUS losses. Here I was whining about money/job/and a damn TV!!! Ugh, the shame just swept over me. I felt so guilty for overlooking what I have and not thinking it was enough.
That is often how it goes for me...complain about something then, right after I open my mouth, a solution or relief arrives. Just this weekend I received 4 orders totalling our grocery budget! And another big one yesterday. Monday I was called in to substitute teach at the preschool in my church. It isn't big money by any means...but I didn't ask for that, I asked (well, actually I begged) to be taken care of. Isn't all this "care" disguised by working from my home (mostly) and being able to stay with my daughter and get my son off the bus after school?? I am constantly stuffing the reminder of my student loan coming due for payments in July...THAT IS 6 MONTHS AWAY!!!! Who cares! I continue to look for a full time job but I look at every day I get to stay home with Madeline is a gift...and to be working from home and earning a little extra money...pure CARE!!
I thank you all for praying. Your love over me and my family is...a blessed gift. Please forgive me for whining...I so often cannot look past what I want and don't have for what is right in front of me!!!
That is often how it goes for me...complain about something then, right after I open my mouth, a solution or relief arrives. Just this weekend I received 4 orders totalling our grocery budget! And another big one yesterday. Monday I was called in to substitute teach at the preschool in my church. It isn't big money by any means...but I didn't ask for that, I asked (well, actually I begged) to be taken care of. Isn't all this "care" disguised by working from my home (mostly) and being able to stay with my daughter and get my son off the bus after school?? I am constantly stuffing the reminder of my student loan coming due for payments in July...THAT IS 6 MONTHS AWAY!!!! Who cares! I continue to look for a full time job but I look at every day I get to stay home with Madeline is a gift...and to be working from home and earning a little extra money...pure CARE!!
I thank you all for praying. Your love over me and my family is...a blessed gift. Please forgive me for whining...I so often cannot look past what I want and don't have for what is right in front of me!!!
Thursday, January 5, 2012
...and then the television...
It has been a rough couple of days. I have felt...just desperation to be rid of this storm we are currently enduring. I am still without a job. My faith is fraying at the ends...and it seems things around me will never stop crumbling to the ground.
During the holiday season a part on my embroidery machine was damaged making every project a hit or miss. Each time I have to use the machine my stomach turns in knots...just waiting for it to screw up. Today, I took Maddie out to play and took some pictures of new products to post online. I got back home to edit the pics and put a DVD on for Maddie so that I could work with a little peace. She came to me and said the TV was broken...indeed, the screen had gone black and won't turn back on.
I can hear you....I KNOW it is just a TV!!! But I just don't get it! I believe everything happens for a reason. Maybe that makes me read into things too much, but God, COME ON!!!! Seriously?!?!?! What next? Will the house burn down? Will our septic mess up again??
I have been day dreaming lately...of home. I feel pain at being stuck where I am. I thought to myself, "Why do I want to go home so badly? What waits there for me...more rejection??!!". I needed to know why I can't be happy where I am now...It is because I want to be taken care of. I want to feel like I belong. I want to run away from this mess. I want to run so so so badly. I am tired of the fear and I am tired of the pain...I am tired of the fight! My childhood was...horrendous...but I found solace in my surroundings. There was comfort in the snow, the cold, the secret places I found. The previous times when I found myself in a fight I could run away...if only in my mind. Now, for some reason, I can't seem to run near-by...I want to run home!
Like I said, I believe things happen for a reason. My embroidery machine is messed up and that was my only way to contribute to relieving our circumstances a bit. The TV is broken, our last bit of inexpensive "fun". (I hear you again but remember, Eli does not enjoy board games!!!). I just don't get it. In fact, I am getting a little pissed! Do I need to scream out loud towards the Heavens so that I will finally be heard?? God, when are you going to show up? YOU know I have prayed and wept over this...I have begged you to show me a job!!! I am not asking for the debt to disappear...I am taking responsibility!! Why do you leave me so so so alone? When are you going to do what You have promised and TAKE CARE OF US???? I feel like we have been left to fend for ourselves...punished and shunned! I try to believe and I try to have faith but it keeps coming with no light at the end of the tunnel. I know we are not poor...in fact we are rich. But I have fear...what if someone gets sick...what if the car breaks down...we'd be left abandoned because there is...nothing!!
As always, I am reminded of a song! Andrew Peterson's "Silence of God". I have weathered...so very much. So much that there are times my body feels twice its age. I walk this life and feel so very weary at times...and lonely. I know, among my family and friends, I still keep to myself as my heart is still mending from the past...I am the cause of my loneliness. In the last few months...since our world began to crumble, I have found myself holding tighter to Faith...knowing it is only God that stands between us and being without food and a home. I guess I expected a reward for that...I am not assuming that reward is not coming any time soon. God has been silent...even when I thought He was leading me down a path to a sure job...it never happened. I was left standing alone in silence. I still don't know what is going to happen. I feel like a failure left and right...I am not good enough. But I am reminded of the burden and the sorrow my Jesus felt in the hours before He would suffer for my freedom. God was silent. Even Jesus got frustrated with His Father's silence...but still, God looked down on His son bleeding and dying and was...silent. I want to know the future and I don't want this burden any longer. I am not happy and I do not move into each day with "peace" and a "joy in my heart". I am sad but I move into each day hoping that will be the day I will hear from God because I know He is the one who will rescue us from this storm. It may just take a miracle...whatever the answer will be I know where it comes...and I wait anxiously for my Rescuer!!!
The Silence Of God lyrics
It's enough to drive a man crazy
It'll break a man's faith
It's enough to make him wonder
If he's been sane
When he's bleating for comfort
From Thy staff and Thy rod
And the heavens' only answer
Is the silence of God
And it'll shake a man's timbers
When he loses his heart
When he has to remember
What broke him apart
And this yoke may be easy
But this burden is not
And the crying fields are frozen
By the silence of God
If a man has got to listen
To the voices of the mob
Who are reeling in the throes
Of all the happiness they've got
When they tell you all their troubles
Have been nailed up to that cross
What about the times when even
Followers get lost
'Cause we all get lost sometimes
There's a statue of Jesus
On a monastery knoll
In the hills of Kentucky
All quiet and cold
And He's kneeling in the garden
Silent as a stone
And all His friends are sleeping
And He's weeping all alone
And the man of all sorrows
He never forgot
What sorrow is carried
By the hearts that He bought
So when the questions dissolve
Into the silence of God
The aching may remain
But the the breaking does not
The aching may remain
But the the breaking does not
In the holy, lonesome echo
Of the silence of God
During the holiday season a part on my embroidery machine was damaged making every project a hit or miss. Each time I have to use the machine my stomach turns in knots...just waiting for it to screw up. Today, I took Maddie out to play and took some pictures of new products to post online. I got back home to edit the pics and put a DVD on for Maddie so that I could work with a little peace. She came to me and said the TV was broken...indeed, the screen had gone black and won't turn back on.
I can hear you....I KNOW it is just a TV!!! But I just don't get it! I believe everything happens for a reason. Maybe that makes me read into things too much, but God, COME ON!!!! Seriously?!?!?! What next? Will the house burn down? Will our septic mess up again??
I have been day dreaming lately...of home. I feel pain at being stuck where I am. I thought to myself, "Why do I want to go home so badly? What waits there for me...more rejection??!!". I needed to know why I can't be happy where I am now...It is because I want to be taken care of. I want to feel like I belong. I want to run away from this mess. I want to run so so so badly. I am tired of the fear and I am tired of the pain...I am tired of the fight! My childhood was...horrendous...but I found solace in my surroundings. There was comfort in the snow, the cold, the secret places I found. The previous times when I found myself in a fight I could run away...if only in my mind. Now, for some reason, I can't seem to run near-by...I want to run home!
Like I said, I believe things happen for a reason. My embroidery machine is messed up and that was my only way to contribute to relieving our circumstances a bit. The TV is broken, our last bit of inexpensive "fun". (I hear you again but remember, Eli does not enjoy board games!!!). I just don't get it. In fact, I am getting a little pissed! Do I need to scream out loud towards the Heavens so that I will finally be heard?? God, when are you going to show up? YOU know I have prayed and wept over this...I have begged you to show me a job!!! I am not asking for the debt to disappear...I am taking responsibility!! Why do you leave me so so so alone? When are you going to do what You have promised and TAKE CARE OF US???? I feel like we have been left to fend for ourselves...punished and shunned! I try to believe and I try to have faith but it keeps coming with no light at the end of the tunnel. I know we are not poor...in fact we are rich. But I have fear...what if someone gets sick...what if the car breaks down...we'd be left abandoned because there is...nothing!!
As always, I am reminded of a song! Andrew Peterson's "Silence of God". I have weathered...so very much. So much that there are times my body feels twice its age. I walk this life and feel so very weary at times...and lonely. I know, among my family and friends, I still keep to myself as my heart is still mending from the past...I am the cause of my loneliness. In the last few months...since our world began to crumble, I have found myself holding tighter to Faith...knowing it is only God that stands between us and being without food and a home. I guess I expected a reward for that...I am not assuming that reward is not coming any time soon. God has been silent...even when I thought He was leading me down a path to a sure job...it never happened. I was left standing alone in silence. I still don't know what is going to happen. I feel like a failure left and right...I am not good enough. But I am reminded of the burden and the sorrow my Jesus felt in the hours before He would suffer for my freedom. God was silent. Even Jesus got frustrated with His Father's silence...but still, God looked down on His son bleeding and dying and was...silent. I want to know the future and I don't want this burden any longer. I am not happy and I do not move into each day with "peace" and a "joy in my heart". I am sad but I move into each day hoping that will be the day I will hear from God because I know He is the one who will rescue us from this storm. It may just take a miracle...whatever the answer will be I know where it comes...and I wait anxiously for my Rescuer!!!
The Silence Of God lyrics
It's enough to drive a man crazy
It'll break a man's faith
It's enough to make him wonder
If he's been sane
When he's bleating for comfort
From Thy staff and Thy rod
And the heavens' only answer
Is the silence of God
And it'll shake a man's timbers
When he loses his heart
When he has to remember
What broke him apart
And this yoke may be easy
But this burden is not
And the crying fields are frozen
By the silence of God
If a man has got to listen
To the voices of the mob
Who are reeling in the throes
Of all the happiness they've got
When they tell you all their troubles
Have been nailed up to that cross
What about the times when even
Followers get lost
'Cause we all get lost sometimes
There's a statue of Jesus
On a monastery knoll
In the hills of Kentucky
All quiet and cold
And He's kneeling in the garden
Silent as a stone
And all His friends are sleeping
And He's weeping all alone
And the man of all sorrows
He never forgot
What sorrow is carried
By the hearts that He bought
So when the questions dissolve
Into the silence of God
The aching may remain
But the the breaking does not
The aching may remain
But the the breaking does not
In the holy, lonesome echo
Of the silence of God
Thursday, December 29, 2011
A broken mixer
It has been, to say the least, a very rough 2 months. Since Evan's hours were cut at work...it has been so hard. The bottom fell out and we were left with so little. We scrambled to put ourselves on a TIGHT budget. Some weeks I just cannot believe we still have food to eat...but we do. It amazes me as I stand back, throw my hands in the air, and tell God we can't do it alone...that the cabinets remain full. Our meals are certainly creative most of the time but our plates are full and we are fed. I have seen the kindness of others come to our aid without ever asking...God provides.
I began searching for a job in October. Lets just say...the pickings are SLIM for a woman who chose to stay home to care for her children. I have gotten so very discouraged. I made Evan promise not to tell anyone in his family. Why, you ask...because I am afraid of failing. I am embarrassed when I am not hired after each interview. I am ashamed and I feel like I am not good enough. Then came December...
In almost an instant I knew why my Father had not provided a job yet! I was constantly bombarded with orders from friends and online customers for my sewing. I was even invited to bring items to sell at a local drug store. I was just too busy to worry about the next month. My personal goal was to have a job by the end of December...but that was 30 days away. But, as each day passes my fear continues to grow. What are we going to do?
As a way to save money in giving gifts to our friends and family (along with my making 99% of the gifts) we decided to make cookies to put in tins. It was during the final 2 batches that the inevitable happened...my mixer burned out. That familiar panic began to bubble up inside. What were we going to do? We can't afford a new mixer! We can't afford to buy other gifts! WHY does this stuff happen??? But, it just happens. Things break! I told myself, God will bring me another mixer. God knows we don't eat out anymore. God knows I need a mixer to make food for my family. God will bring me a mixer. In the meantime, I employed my husband to mix the rest of the cookie batter...he needed to work those muscles while on his vacation!!! And...the cookies were baked...given...and enjoyed!
I knew God would have to provide...we simply needed this tool in our kitchen and often! I foolishly began to daydream that a red or black Kitchen Aid Stand Mixer (you know the one;-))...but that was unrealistic...possible but not likely. I threw my hands up, God, I need a mixer...and went back to work. It just so happens that my sister-in-law had recently been given her own Kitchen Aid for Christmas (swooooon!!!!) and had her old one ready for a new owner. BAM...my new (used) mixer!!!
December is almost over. I am still unemployed. I don't understand what God is doing. I am afraid...very afraid. I have prayed and prayed and cried and prayed some more. Still no job...no light at the end of this tunnel. I am afraid of living on so little. I am afraid of what we might lose if this financial situation continues. I am scared. I don't know what to do. But never once in these last 2 months have we gone without a meal. We have not been late on any bill. We have had unexpected blessings all along...making life a little brighter. God provided all the way. It was never a "kitchen aid mixer" but it was good enough to keep us going. I don't know what will happen and I am so afraid. But I know...I know we will be taken care of. Although I would like to have abundance I have to be okay with enough.
God, I will try. I didn't want to say this but, I will walk this road...if you want me to.
I began searching for a job in October. Lets just say...the pickings are SLIM for a woman who chose to stay home to care for her children. I have gotten so very discouraged. I made Evan promise not to tell anyone in his family. Why, you ask...because I am afraid of failing. I am embarrassed when I am not hired after each interview. I am ashamed and I feel like I am not good enough. Then came December...
In almost an instant I knew why my Father had not provided a job yet! I was constantly bombarded with orders from friends and online customers for my sewing. I was even invited to bring items to sell at a local drug store. I was just too busy to worry about the next month. My personal goal was to have a job by the end of December...but that was 30 days away. But, as each day passes my fear continues to grow. What are we going to do?
As a way to save money in giving gifts to our friends and family (along with my making 99% of the gifts) we decided to make cookies to put in tins. It was during the final 2 batches that the inevitable happened...my mixer burned out. That familiar panic began to bubble up inside. What were we going to do? We can't afford a new mixer! We can't afford to buy other gifts! WHY does this stuff happen??? But, it just happens. Things break! I told myself, God will bring me another mixer. God knows we don't eat out anymore. God knows I need a mixer to make food for my family. God will bring me a mixer. In the meantime, I employed my husband to mix the rest of the cookie batter...he needed to work those muscles while on his vacation!!! And...the cookies were baked...given...and enjoyed!
I knew God would have to provide...we simply needed this tool in our kitchen and often! I foolishly began to daydream that a red or black Kitchen Aid Stand Mixer (you know the one;-))...but that was unrealistic...possible but not likely. I threw my hands up, God, I need a mixer...and went back to work. It just so happens that my sister-in-law had recently been given her own Kitchen Aid for Christmas (swooooon!!!!) and had her old one ready for a new owner. BAM...my new (used) mixer!!!
December is almost over. I am still unemployed. I don't understand what God is doing. I am afraid...very afraid. I have prayed and prayed and cried and prayed some more. Still no job...no light at the end of this tunnel. I am afraid of living on so little. I am afraid of what we might lose if this financial situation continues. I am scared. I don't know what to do. But never once in these last 2 months have we gone without a meal. We have not been late on any bill. We have had unexpected blessings all along...making life a little brighter. God provided all the way. It was never a "kitchen aid mixer" but it was good enough to keep us going. I don't know what will happen and I am so afraid. But I know...I know we will be taken care of. Although I would like to have abundance I have to be okay with enough.
God, I will try. I didn't want to say this but, I will walk this road...if you want me to.
Monday, October 10, 2011
The aroma of home...
I made chili today. I make it the good way...I let it simmer all day in the crock pot. Slowly the entire house smells like my chili. It was cold and rainy outside but inside it was the perfect toasty warm. It it one of those nights when you want to cuddle up in your favorite sweats under a blanket and just enjoy whatever is going on around you. It is times like this when I can feel so so so far away from home. Nights like this are what make up a Pennsylvania winter. What I am trying to say (without feeling the shame and disgust that rush toward me) is that I miss my mother. I know that I don't miss being mistreated...I miss the mother that she should have been. It is the smells of fall, winter, Thanksgiving, and Christmas that are reminders of what was lost...they echo in the void in my heart of what will never be fulfilled. My mother will never be my mother. She will never welcome me home. I feel much like an exile here in Georgia. My heart aches to be able to look forward to going home...if even to celebrate holidays. I ache to just have a home there to go...like I am a "home" to my children. I am someone who will praise your scribbles, or your buttoning up your pajama shirt...I am a good mom in the ways that matter. My failings will never overshadow my victory and my love for my children. I will never regret cutting my mother out in order to become who I am today and who I will be years from now. Cutting her out was necessary and it was not a mistake. I mourn what should have been. I love my husband and my children and wherever I go I want them with me and where they go I want to be...but why do I feel a gaping need to have our home somewhere else. I want to go home. I find myself with teary eyes often this season...more so than the seasons past...homesick just doesn't seem to cover the pain that I feel. I want what was taken. I thought the longer I stayed on my journey to healing the less and less I would feel this way come the holidays and the cooler weather. Yet every year the longing and the pain are deeper and deeper. I catch myself saying to my husband, "I want to go home." too many times. I try to keep it to myself so I don't make him feel that he hasn't already given me whatever I need because he sure has. I guess those times I lament to him are when the pain just becomes too much and it spills out. God, I want to go home. I feel empty now. I try to be content, you know I do!! I still feel empty.
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