I have forgotten to update you all on Eli and his hearing, etc. Let's see, I think it was late March when all the evaluations of him came to an end and I sat down with teachers ready to hear what the future held for my son. Eli has a severe developmental delay and is speech impaired. He is enrolled in a Special Education preschool for the fall. It was also recommended that he be enrolled in Head Start so that when he leaves the Special Ed class he can interact with children who are not delayed. I won't hear until next month whether Head Start will take Eli. We over qualify for the income cut off but they give special consideration for special needs children. "Special needs"...all the sudden Eli has an IEP (Individualized Education Plan) and is in Special Ed. What happened? Ugh, he'll go to school 4 days a week from 8am until 12pm...but if he is accepted into the Head Start program he will go 5 days a week from 8am until 3pm. That is what I am struggling with the most. Eli would be gone 7 hours a day 5 days a week...since there is such a great chance he'll be taken into the Head Start program I have been trying to prepare myself now. I just don't know what is best for him. Putting him in Head Start would only add 3 hours a day that he is away from me. I have visited the facilities and asked all my questions. It is a very clean facility, healthy food served and even no doors on the children's bathrooms. He'll be safe as no one is allowed to just walk into the school. It is just a question of me being able to let my baby go! He and I spend so much time together...can I miss him 7 hours a day? Eli needs the Special Ed program, I know that. I have just been crying over the other part...just the letting him go! PLUS, I don't know these people! They said that I can come and volunteer in the class and that helps a little. Still, these new teachers are strangers to me. He has been enrolled in the preschool at our church this last year. I actually struggled a little with not knowing his teacher there too. I can remember one day the teacher's aid come to me and was talking about something he had done when she was taking him to the bathroom...all the sudden it hit me, "I don't have any idea who this woman is and she is alone with my son in the bathroom!" I had to really allow my husband to talk me out of ripping Eli out of that school! I knew the school's director and I trust her. She loves both my children and in my heart I knew she would never cause them harm directly or indirectly. I just don't know these new teachers and yet I am handing over one of my most precious things to them!
Last Friday, Eli graduated from said preschool. I really wanted to soak in the moment. His first of many monumental moments. Madeline had other plans. She thought sitting in her seat was highly over rated. Eli also thought cooperating with his classmates was too cool for him. He decided to lay down on the stage in between the songs and would only stand up when the audience clapped. Everyone around me was looking back and saying how cute he was...I was too embarrassed to laugh at what was going on! I think that might be because Eli's teacher had been telling me all week how Eli couldn't seem to understand what was expected. She knew about his delay and did what she could to help him understand...it was just beyond anyone's abilities to help Eli. I tried my best to laugh at him being silly up on stage but I couldn't ignore it as another sign of him being so far delayed from his peers. When we got home...I just got overwhelmed with a sense of loss and sadness. I cried and cried. I cried for my son not staying little. I cried having to let him go. I cried over not being able to control the bad things that have and will happen to him. Now we move from a safe, normal preschool into Special Ed...where judgement and the stigma of being special needs lurks everywhere. Everything for the last 5 months has been clouded in Eli's disability. I even find myself being too over protective when he is around family. No one knows what has been going on in Eli's life. I have been so abusive of myself as his mother..I feel like a failure. I feel like it is my fault Eli has this problem. If I had paid more attention this would never have escalated! I look at my son and I just want to apologize to him all the time...what if this effects his ability to learn for the rest of his life. What have I done??
I have a goal though. I know myself well enough to know that I will wrestle with letting Eli go but I also need to give myself time over the summer to be prepared when the day comes. It is best that he attend the Special Ed preschool. If he is accepted into Head Start..well, we can face that when it becomes a fact. To judge Eli's intelligence or to lower the bar of expectations for his abilities would be unfair. I would be no better than the other's who taunt or look down and feel sorry for the special ed. kids. To treat him differently or to allow others to treat him differently would be a disaster...a disaster in my relationships with those people and a disaster to my son's self esteem. My goal is to come to value the process Eli will go through as he (hopefully) regains the skills he has lost or never developed as a result of his hearing loss. I am not there yet...I still mourn for him being labeled "special needs" because of the stigma it unwillingly drags along with it. I mourn for the challenge he faces...so much for a little boy. I worry about the unknown and lasting effects. But, I look toward the goal. I look forward to Eli's and my first real sentence exchange. I look forward to getting to know my son and discovering what his voice sounds like. I just look forward to passing over this hurdle in his life...in our family and taking the knowledge with us. May my son learn early on to face challenges unhindered!!!
