My brother, C, told me this past week...that he was gay.
A flood of other painful and stinging truth followed. In addition to my mother's beatings he was molested by my oldest brother. GOD, WHERE WERE YOU?!?!?! Where was I? God put me there to save him... Where is the hope you promise? I never saved anyone! All that time I thought I was keeping them safe from my mother and all the while the predator was my own blood. I have to wonder and I have to ask...is that why he is gay now? Is his desire now for men after a male first stirred "feelings" in him? A helpless boy...helpless with no where to go. What a mockery of love that is...when someone steals your innocence. Innocence being the freedom from adult thoughts and adult "desires". God you PROMISE never to give us more than we can handle...you promised. That seems like you are expecting too much of a young child. Most adults can't handle their hormones...how can such a thing be expected of a child who isn't ready? God where were you? I know choices were made and a victim emerged...but why? Where are all those lightening bolts people always talk about? Where is God our defender??? This is why I want to slap anyone who tells me I need to forgive that witch!! It isn't over! She was meant to protect us all! Her life is almost over and we are left with a life time of pain to overcome. Till the day we die we will be fighting for our very lives.
I have tasted the bitterness of life. I have been hated to the point my own mother was inches from taking my life. I have been so overcome by pain that I have held a knife to my own flesh...ready to press hard and watch life drain out of me. I have screamed out to God "WHY!?". Why me? Why are so many others carried through childhood so that they have every ability to walk through life in freedom? Why, why, why us? Why those six kids on Allentown Road? Why were we so unlovable? Why couldn't my own mother embrace me? Why couldn't my own father stay with me?
Can I say that I have never been more aware of the deep love I have for my brother, C, than I have this past week. His dignity as a human being and the respect he deserves as such was never wavered. I mourned for his past and the torment he feels now. I mourn for his choice though I don't see there was another way. I have to believe God is guiding him to an amazing healing. May it take my breath away when I see the man my brother was always meant to be. Some will tell me that God could not possibly "be" with a man caught in homosexuality. Liar! God was with me and guiding me long before I came to Him October 18, 2005! In God's eyes we are all equal to the murderer, the thief, the homosexual, the rapist, the liar. As hard as it is to understand how God can love us all the same when our sins are not the same...He does. My brother is wounded.
This is not how it should have been. This is not how it was meant to be. How can I ever believe that God was always in control? When will I finally see why this all happened? Will my pain...will there pain be given reason? Was there a purpose? Will I just have to wait? I recently read a book written by Miep Gies. She was one of the 6 people who helped hide Anne Frank and 7 other Jews during the Holocaust. She is now 100 years old. All her friends and even her husband have long since passed away. She spoke of her pain at not being able to keep her friends, those 8 Jews, safe. She spoke of the moment when she will finally pass on and be reunited with those she misses so dearly. She spoke specifically of walking back into the hiding place and everyone would be there safe and sound. Her husband would even be sitting in his typical position awaiting her arrival. This stuck with me. I wondered what my heaven would look like. For that matter, would heaven be the same for us all? God created us with free will so that we would CHOOSE to love Him. Forcing us to worship and love Him is empty. Is that in itself a clue to what awaits us after we have traveled through this life? So then, what will my heaven look like? I imagine it covered in snow...the good kind. Not too soft but not too hard! I turn around to six smiling faces. My two brothers and my two sisters sit amongst my children on a sled. They ask me to pull them faster and faster. We'll come to a hill, what good is snow without hills? I'll sit behind and somehow wrap my arms around all six of them and off we'll go down the hill...my ears will flood with laughter...and joy! Everyone is safe...thank you God, everyone is safe. God smiles and His heart leaps at our laughter and our love. All of us will know what it is like to be carefree. We will be loved till it hurts...a good hurt. All of us will understand what it is like to be full of a Father's love...to be his only child among billions of His children. I will know what it is like to be the bride given away by her Father. I will know what it is like to hold my Father's hand. I will know what it is like to be taken care of. My siblings will be restored in front on me..all of this life will be forgotten. No more bruises and no more tears. This is my Heaven. I am sure there is more to heaven than this but for now this is where I want to be. I was a mother long before I gave birth to Eli. Every mother wants to protect her babies. This is my Heaven...where every abused child runs and laughs and plays...for eternity.
