She said Cinderella...

It was beautiful...but I don't think she knew what it meant to me. We were walking around the mall and I stepped into the Disney store thinking about the two little people in my home who crave all things Disney. Rebecca walked in and said, "You know, I feel like Cinderella (because of what happened this week)." She went from doing all the chore and being depressed to having a life and a say in what happens in that life. I literally had to hold back the tears my heart was bursting forth! It was as if my little Maddie had said, "Mommy, I am a princess!". All these years...all this time and my baby sister finally feels like the princess she was always meant to be. She even mentioned her own wedding and making it a Cinderella wedding. Weeks ago my mother told her she would never get married because she was too ugly...now she dreams! Beauty in it most precious form... I was blessed by another thing my sister said. We talked about Mikaila and Rebecca was expressing a lot of worry about Mikaila being upset that she'd moved. She didn't want Mikaila to think she was angry at her. I inquired further and Rebecca mentioned how much she cared for Mikaila because she "was the one who raised her". I always felt that way towards all four of the kids. In recent months, after the things my brother had done were revealed, I have felt like I hadn't been as much a part of their lives as I had thought. I obviously hadn't protected them like I thought. I may have been the "whipping boy" so-to-speak but other things were happening. Anyway, when Rebecca mentioned she had the same connection with Mikaila...I guess I felt validated. I just needed that...thank the Lord!

I'm back

It felt so amazing to squeeze my children...even if Eli had to do a double take when he jumped in my arms. Maddie still waddles to daddy when she gets hurt. Hopefully that will change back soon.

I am so fond of the time I spent with my brothers and sisters. For the first time in 5 years...it has been too long. I really needed the time with Rebecca on Thursday. I got back to my hotel and cried a little. Five years separated us but couldn't break the spirit of sisterhood. I say this first hand. There we were talking about what caused us pain and laughing over mistakes we made or were making...GPS' aren't infallible either! At one point we were in a restroom and I was drying my hands. I heard a woman's voice say, "Well excuse me!!" and my sister apologize. I turned to see the back of a women who could have been my mothers taller sister. Rebecca and I looked at each other and mouthed simulataniously, "Looks like mom!" We walked out of the bathroom and Rebecca said through giggles, "We better run or she';; catch us and beat us!" We both cracked up. I reminded her of what Evan had told me to do years ago when I would face her in court and I was pregnant with Eli..."kick her in the knees and run!" Humorous because my mother has had numerous knee surgeries and the kick would leave her incapacitated! I was in awe of my sister all this time. Only 3 days out from her "break out" from my mother's home and she seemed to be as "healed" as I! Certainly not jealous but I was just in awe. My bitter side has always gotten in the way of my being a forgiving person. Here she was, not quite to forgiveness, but clearly not looking back towards the road she'd left behind. I wondered if that was because she is more "childlike" because of her mental handicaps. Is being a little more childlike allowing her to be so resiliant? I don't know. Rebecca always has had a spirit of beauty. She is going to be alright. She wasn't afriad to talk about the past and things my mother had said. She wanted to clear up the things that she said bothered her. My mother had told her that Evan, my husband, didn't like her. I told Rebecca that I was sorry my mother had told her that but it just wasn't true. Evan loved her...and for her to look at where I was right then. I was 800 miles from home. Evan was home with our 2 kids by himself so that I could come and help her. That is certainly love even if an unseen or unprecidented kind of love in her life. We ended the night with another story my mother had told. After I had called the agency to report my mother she came back with an accusation of her own. She told the kids she wasn't sure why I would call her abusive when there was one time when I slapped Caleb in the car to make him behave. I was floored! We called Caleb right then to ask him about this. I never remembered slapping any one of them and Caleb confirmed this with a laugh. "No, never" he replied and finished with another belly laugh. I guess making an accusation against me helped her digest what was going on for a few moments. She must have had some painful moments when thinking about my having children who she'd never meet. She told Rebecca that my kids will be "real brats". After my blood pressure returned to some kind of stable level and allowed me to speak in an appropriate tone, I asked her what she thought mom meant. Rebecca said she was talking about how I had reacted to my brother's birth. When my mother left us in the room alone, my brother would end up crying. I kind of laugh about it now knowing that the same thing happens when Eli is left with Madeline. My child is the sweetest boy who reacts normally to another baby crowding his mommy's lap. How lost she is when it comes to knowledge of her oldest daughter. I think of how much I miss my brother now, even after the terrible things he has done, I wish the greatest healing story in his life. It angers me a little that she could twist a natural sibling rivalry reaction of mine into making me feel evil inside my whole life. Yes, I have heard those stories before about when my brother came. I have been called terrible things. Every jealous reaction she ever witnessed on my behalf was the same thing...evil among us!

I have to admit, I had low expectations of my visit with Zechariah. He had been the one who had denied me the longest. He is the one who claims to be the closest to mom. I could never lie about my feelings towards her. I thought our visit might end badly. I walked up to a boy who was twice the size he had been the last time I saw him. He sounded like he had traded in his high, squeeky voice that couldn't pronounce its "R's" for a much deeper, stabler one. We sat and talked comfortably for about 3 hours. Most of the conversation was dedicated to my mother but even that didn't seem to phase either of us. He spoke of her stressful financial situation. She is about to file for a second bankruptcy after her home was forclosed on about 2 months ago. Half of what she earns goes towards the care the kids receive. The more she earns, the more they take. I told him that I wouldn't wish any of that on my worst enemy. We spoke about the money missing from Rebecca's bank account. She had made $15,210 over the past 2 years and only $348 remains. Naeemah has decided to force my mother to pay $100 in return bacuse she could not come up with a good answer as to where the rest of the money went. Zechariah is worred how she will make those payments. I just replied that she can't take $15,000 and get off scott-free. More and more trouble seem to be piled on top of her. I can feel sympathy for the stress but I cannot seem to believe she hasn't earned it with the life she has lead.

It turns out that she didn't call me back because of something her Pastor said. He said that she couldn't call because I had invaded her when I came to the house to pick up Rebecca. Something tells me that the truth or the whole truth has been lost each time the excuse has changed hands. I called her a second time and tried to explain why I had had to come to her house. I apologized for "invading" and told her those feelings were valid but sometimes situations like that arise and you just deal with it. If life was meant to be comfortable...ugh, how boring! Anyway, I told her the ball is in her court. Zecariah ended with a little confession. He had been listening to me talk about or Christmas' and a family reunion and mentioned that he was a little jealous. Natural, of course. I can't begin to imagine how lonely their holidays. I told him that around the holidays I get a little misty but it can't even compare to what they all go through. I told him that I don't know what will happen in the future. Right now any kind of reconciliation seems impossible but then I had thought he and I were lost to eachother forever and that it hadn't even been 5 years. I had to say that there is a lot that needs to happen. She needs to admit what she has done and get some help...real help! My children are off limits as well. I really don't know where the road in the Quinn family will lead. I am not going to be pressured or guilted into inculding my children in it...dysfunction may always be dysfunction and my children deserve the best chance!!

Not all like that...

I somehow how have missed the realization or just the chance to voice it...that not all parents are like mine. Sometimes far and in between there is a mother who lives to nurture her children. When she is away all she can think of is kissing the chubby cheeks of her most beautiful daughter. All she can think of is the next change she'll get to run after her active 3 year old boy until she collapses in exhaustion. Some mother's burst fill of love and life lessons. Some father's do dance with their little girls...even if the thought of holding that precious baby girl minutes after she cried her first breath scares him to death..."What if she breaks?". Some daddy's wrestle on the floor and are there when their children leap into the air...because daddy is always there. We don't always mirror the parents we were given. Sometimes we are better because we take the taste of love when we feel that first baby kick...we take the love and never look back. We grab love by whatever it gives us to hold onto and we run...we run through fear and rejection, joy and happiness.

This love leads to the natural desire for the ones around us to know...love and truth. I think of what my mother has missed out on. Way back 30 years ago...it began, or in her case continued. The birth of a daughter and looking back she is more proud of a "natural" birth. I am serious. My sister told me that when i had my son Eli my mother was convinced I would ask for drugs because I wasn't strong like her. How insignificant!!! Thirty years later...do I care or does it make any difference in our relationship the way I came into the world? It hurts me as a woman when someone judges me on such a personal choice...when in the end I had to give up my deep deep desire to give birth the old fashioned way when they told me Eli would not survive if i didn't agree to a C-section. I have never second guessed. What a shame that is one of the few "victories" she can claim in her life. What about the 6 children she "raised". What an amazing colidescope of personalities and abilities...and she missed it all. I am a teacher and a mother...my sister likes to write, my brother loves to cook...and there are three more with talents all different than the last...and she missed it. Almost all of us have survived a hell of our own...because of something deep inside...we have over come things that would make most adults crumble and she misses it all. Two AMAZING "grandchildren" who don't know she exists...wouldn't that be enought for her to "let it go"...nope, she is missing it all. I called her yesterday and offered a chance but she never called me back. I told her it was time to stop putting the kids in the middle. If she had something to say or ask me she needed to come to me. I told her I was reaching out and would she meet me even a quarter of the way...I knew she was angry inside but there is a way to feel happiness. I told her that I was not afraid of her and that she wasn't afraid of me, that I knew of. It was time to act as adults. I knew I would regret leaving here and not trying. I gave her a choice and she chose the way she always has...that isn't my problem. It can never be said that I didn't reach out...I will never have to lie to my children if they ask if I tried to make amends.

Well, ladies my trip is half over. I feel a bit sad today. I am waiting to have lunch with friends and I can't help but feel an aching. I can't pinpoint exactly where it is coming from. I feel like there is a life I have missed out on. I have been feeling this aching a lot as I travel to various spots in my town that remind me of good things. I just ache...that is the best way to describe what I am feeling.

It never seems to end

I got a call this morning from Zechriah. He wanted to ask me a question. I called him back. He said that he wasn't aware that Caleb would be there when Rebecca left my mother's house. I put a hault to the conversation to say that I was sorry that mother had put him in the middle of the situation. He called me around 10:30 am. Somewhere between last night and first thing this morning my mother had called to tell him how upset she was with what had happened. What a shame. I explained to him it was not our intention to show up but that Rebecca had too many things to fit them all in Naeemah's car. I also told him that he could give her my number. If she had something to say or had a question that she could come to me instead of putting him in the middle of all of this. Really makes me made that the manipulation continues.

I have to tell you that I am enjoying time with family but I am eager to get back home to my husband and my kids!!! I am eager to leave the drama behind. I haven't written a blog on my own healing in a while. The events of this week are a blessing to be a part of...but the healing is theirs. The steps my sister has taken...I can almost see her crossing a bride and burning it behind her. I know my mother is alone now...but that isn't my fault. I would almost like for her to call me. I'd like to ask her what she thinks would be different now if the things I "accused" her of had not been the truth. What in her life, and the kids lives, would not have happened if Child Protective Services had not found their own evidence and if judge after judge had not weighed the evidence and found her unfit.

All this to say that I am still in the dilema of whether to contact her myself while I am here. I don't know what is best. She probably won't meet with me anyway but would the gesture mean anything? She could never say that I won't speak to her. Well she can and probably will say it but it won't be true. I need advice ladies. I hate to ask for it so quickly but I really want to do the smart thing here. What do you think?

Breaking out!

Well, Ladies...we did it!!! What a day. We picked Rebecca up from work and took her out to the house she had shared with my mother. Caleb and I waited at a nearby church to follow Rebecca's wishes that we not go to the house. We called Naeemah to remind her to get a few essential papers and she said that Rebecca had too many things and that it would not all fit in their car. I offered to put some in my car and Caleb offered to store some things until she could come back and pick them up. Naeemah thought that would be a good idea but I told her she should ask Rebecca first. Rebecca agreed and we were on our way. Caleb and I reminded each other to be calm. We pulled up to the trailer and I felt immediate compassion for what my mother now called home. It is an unfortunate downgrade from owning her own home. She now lives in a rundown trailer overshadowed by a huge silo on a stinky farm. When we pulled up Rebecca was bringing out box after box. My mother was making her take ALL of her earthly possessions. I remember she made me do the same thing when I left for college. I had to bring everything I owned with me or it would be "thrown out". How embarrassing to show up to college with three times as much stuff as the other girls had. Rebecca must have felt the same way as we all watched her bring her things outside. She said that mom was sitting on the couch watching TV and she hadn't noticed Caleb and I had shown up. She went inside to get her dogs and came out looking rather angry. I heard her curse under her breath and say she was ready to leave. I asked her what had happened and she just walked past me to get into the car. We met up again at the church where Caleb and I had waited. We got out and Rebecca came to apologize to Caleb and I...we immediately told her no apology was needed. She said that mom had asked her if she knew anything about this...this being Caleb and I showing up. She told us that she said she didn't know but mom had still yelled at her. What a way to spend your last seconds with your daughter!!! Rebecca left without saying goodbye. I told Rebecca it was okay and that mom had just given her another reason to leave. I think that is my mother's way of "coping" so-to-speak. The sitting on the couch watching TV while Rebecca packed up the car...she was trying to send her the message that she doesn't care whether she stays or leaves. She cannot find the freedom to express the pain she is feeling so she reacts in anger or just ignores. She couldn't see past herself when she saw Caleb and I standing out there...she thinks it is all about her and she confronted Rebecca instead of saying goodbye. She stayed inside the WHOLE time. She didn't come to see Rebecca off even before we got there. Bizarre to an outsider...predictable to those of us who know her better than she knows herself!!

Rebecca's new home is like a "mansion" as she describes it. She says that she feels like an alien...someone trying to live in a foreign place. The kids she is living with are her age but just completely different beings having been given love and freedom in their lives. She may struggle to survive at times. Naeemah and Rebecca's mother was an alcoholic. Naeemah lived with her mother for a while but was emancipated and became the guardian of the younger children with the exception of Rebecca. Naeemah knows how to maneuver a dysfunctional parent and has been through similar experiences. Rebecca is in good hands. I think it will take a few days to set in but Rebecca is no longer in an oppressive lifestyle...now comes the hard part, owning what her past has created in her and changing what she needs to change. This part of healing is probably the hardest part...taking the steps towards responsibility!!! It was not easy, as we all know, to do what she did today...even if my mother made it a little easier by just being herself.

Well, it's go time. Rebecca and Naeemah are at the house picking up Rebecca's things. I am praying that everything goes smoothly and Rebecca can leave without feeling guilty. I will update later!

PICTURES!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I thougth I would offer my faithful prayer warriors some faces to go with the names I have been asking you to pray for. The first is Rebecca. I went and saw her tonight on her break. She looks great...better than I had expected!!!

And Caleb sporting his overgrown mohawk...he was pretty proud of the mohawk too!!!

Day 1

I had a whole other post written and then the Internet went out...ahhh technology!

I finally got to see my home town in the light of day. Some changes but basically the same. I went to meet Caleb and we hung out for a few hours and had lunch together. It's been 3 1/2 years since we've seen each other.

Tonight I will go see Rebecca for about 30 min while she is on a break from work and then I will go see a friend at the mall.

All this excitement still leaves me torn in two directions. I love being here in familiar surroundings but I miss my husband and children desperately. I see babies everywhere and want to reach out and grab onto my own kids...somehow.

Here is a new prayer request for you ladies. I was driving around town this morning and got to thinking about my mother...of course. I began to wonder if anyone in her life, present or past, has ever told her the truth...I mean the HARD truth. Dartha, you are abusive...you do not have the right to treat other human beings the way you have...you have pain in your past and you need to own it... I started to feel something similar to compassion and wondered if it was time for me to sit down across from my mother and tell her some things...tell her where she went wrong but point her to the right path. But what is that path? What does she really need to be immersed in complete healing? Pray with me won't you? Pray that God will lead me and let me know if it is time..or if it is not time. I am really at peace either way. Thank you ladies...your prayers are really felt up here...I mean that!!! My love to you all!

I made it!!!

Wow, what a very long day! I have to say first that I know that so many of you were praying for me today and I really cherish you for that...it means a lot to me that you would take time from your days to think and spend time on me!



Well, we left Toccoa and it took us aprox, 2 and a half hours to get to the airport. We slid on the road three times and saw at least cars stranded on the side of the road! We had to take a detour after we heard that a train had derailed right outside the airport. I got to the check in counter 3 minutes after their 45 minute cutoff for checking in baggage for any flight. We stood line for over an hour just to get me put on standby! It was insane. The security check-in line reached half of the distance of the airport. There went another hour. I finally got to the gate for my three hour wait in hopes of getting a standby seat. I became VERY anxious. I knew i would already be driving on unfamiliar roads in the dark...not my favorite thing! Praise God in Heaven I was able to get a seat on standby!!!! I was so excited that the waiting was OVER!!

Grrrr...I am sitting at the airport with a 4 hour wait ahead of me with no security of a seat on a plane! The roads were very slippery so we arrived at the airport 3 minutes after the 45 minute cutoff to check baggage!!! I had to be put on standby for the next flight that doesn't leave till 4:10!! MORE WAITING!!!! Ladies please pray, pray, pray...pray, pray, pray that I get a seat on this 4:10 flight. With so many people's flights being cancelled it feels impossible for me to get a place! Pray for a flight...and pray for peace for me. I am scared my luggage will be lost...and then where will I be???? I am thankful the snow is melting and we arrived here safely. I just know how notorious airlines are with losing baggage for stanby passengers....ahhhhhhhn pray please!!!

Figures...

The first time it snows in this town in TWO years or more has to be the day before I leave on a plane!!! Everything is paid for and certainly non-refundable. Incredible...I am totally frustrated!!! It is supposed to be sunny in Atlanta tomorrow and clear in Philadelphia! I don't understand why God might want this trip delayed or cancelled. I have a hard time trusting when so much planning and so much money is at stake. I have to trust though...however hard that might be. I want to be sitting on that plane tomorrow afternoon...God give me strength to let it go!!! Pray with me ladies!

Zechariah...

I have been thinking about my brother all day. I couldn't help but analyze in my head some of the things he had said. He said that the abuse from my mother was bad but the abuse from Preston (my biological half brother) was the worst. He had been afraid to tell what had happened to him at the hands of Preston because he was "loyal" to his family. Those are his words. That hit me deep. I don't think, but I am not sure, if he still harbors some anger towards me for what I did. It was not the appropriate time to question where his "loyalty" comes from and if it is disguising guilt. I found it odd and unsettling how he can say he is close with our mother and how he seems to stand up for her...after all she has done. He told me that she has changed and is even encouraging to him. We discussed Rebecca's leaving. Zech said that he is concerned for mother after Rebecca leaves and seemed to question Rebecca's motives. I had to tell him that mother is not Becca's responsibility and not even his responsibility. My fear is that Zech is being manipulated in a most dangerous way. I had mentioned that Rebecca was afraid that mom would find out she had called me. Zech said that mom has never told anyone they cannot speak to me...she simply said to keep her out of it, whatever that means. I asked Rebecca about that and she reminded me of the flowers I sent her for graduation. Mom told her that if she was going to write me a letter that mom would have to read it first. When Rebecca called me instead, I replied to her with a letter of my own. Mom made her read it out loud. After making her throw the letter away "because of all the lies I was telling in it", mom yelled at Rebecca for calling me "behind her back. Sounds like complete freedom to me...or rather not!!! Zech seems to put full trust behind what mother is telling him...that is what worries me. I do need to remember that not everyone will heal like me. The journey is not the same for everyone. For me to tell him he is wrong to stand up for her or even speak to her would be wrong. I can't assume because it sounds suspicious to me that it is all a lie. The fact is that I haven't spoken to my mother in almost 5 years. I don't know her anymore. I do have to wonder though...if she is so changed than why is she still angry with me? If one changes isn't is because something was wrong before? Why am I still the black sheep? I know why but somehow the truth is lost on the rest of the family.

As I begin to prepare to make my 800 mile trip home...I begin to feel a little loss. The cold and the snow is all inviting to me! All that is missing is a home to go to. I'll be in a hotel room all by myself. I haven't been by myself for almost 9 years and for the last 3 years I haven't had more than an hour a say to myself. Here I am getting ready for 7 days to go where I want when I want...it will be glorious!!! Anyway, I begin to long for things to have been different. I wish I could introduce my children to their relatives without the stigma of how those people are capable of harming my children. I can't change what has happened...wishing for it is a waste of time and pointless. I guess that was me feeling sorry for myself...a brief stop on my daily journey. I am left with the facts...things are not ideal and they may never be. I have the right and the ability to keep my babies safe. As long as I have overcome (an daily, continuous process) the past will be the past...and my children will never lament over their lost childhoods.

You'd never believe it!!!

I got a phone call tonight...from...ZECHARIAH!!! He got my information somehow off the Internet through Facebook and called my old house and left his number. I called him back and the voice on the other end was foreign to me...in a good way. He sounded so different...like a man. He said he had been in therapy for almost 2 1/2 years and had been wanting to get in contact with me. He has been through A LOT in these last few years. Admitting different abuse and a suicide attempt. He was very quick to defend my mother saying that she has changed a lot. I don't see it and didn't really know how to handle that except to say that I hoped she had. He is worried about her after my sister moves out. One awkward moment came when he said that my mother had been talking to him about moving to Africa to take care of children....I laughed out loud and said that she'd NEVER be allowed. He was actually serious and said that she could since it was a different country. YIKES!! I think it will take me a few days to think through his point of view and then to know how to talk to him about mutual things other than our mother! I would have never guessed in a million years that next week would be packed with visits to almost all of my siblings. That is right, I leave Atlanta on Saturday the 13th and stay in PA until the 20th. I'll keep you all up to date with what happens daily!! This is going to be an exciting week in my family...I can't believe all of this is happening!

I am sure you are all aware of all the snow falling in PA as we speak. I am beginning to become a little fearful. Just with driving conditions and delays in traveling...will you all pray? Pray that the snow that is in the forecast for the majority of next week will not come. Pray that there are no travel delays and especially that I remain safe as I drive on the roads!! My love to you all. I feel like I am going to be physically alone on this trip but that I will have dozens of invisible companions in you all...

The Children of Elizabeth Smart's Kidnapper Speak Out

The Children of Elizabeth Smart's Kidnapper Speak Out

In 2002, 14-year-old Elizabeth Smart was taken at knifepoint from her bedroom in one of the highest-profile kidnappings of all time. Elizabeth was rescued nine months later, after her sister recalled a memory from the night of the abduction. She'd been taken by a man who had done some repair work on the family's home, a self-proclaimed prophet named Brian David Mitchell. Mitchell has pled not guilty, and a judge is determining whether he is competent to stand trial. Mitchell's wife of 17 years, Wanda Barzee, was an accomplice in the abduction. On November 17, 2009, Barzee pled guilty in Federal Court to kidnapping and unlawful transportation of a minor. She's confined to a state hospital and has yet to be sentenced. State charges are pending against both Mitchell and Barzee.

Rhonda, Andrea, Derrick and Louree are four of Barzee's six children. For the first time since their mother pled guilty, they are speaking out for the first time about their experiences growing up with her. "I think the media portrayed my mother as being a victim of Brian David Mitchell, and I think one of the reasons I wanted to come on this show is to kind of expose her for the monster she is," Andrea says. "She would brainwash us relentlessly. We would be called up to her room, and she would sit there and drum into us, 'If you weren't a part of this family, then the family would be fine." … So it was more the psychological, emotional constant abuse from her that, to me, was worse than the physical abuse. Because I felt like the physical wounds could always heal, but the scars of emotional abuse have remained." Andrea says her mother stole her childhood. "She robbed us of our innocence," she says. "She robbed us of everything we stood to be." Derrick says he was never taught the difference between right and wrong. "I got in a lot of trouble with the law," he says. "I wanted nurturing so badly. I wanted my parents to love me, you know? I wanted somebody to tell me it was all right. I never got that." Andrea says unconditional love was one of the primary things missing in their home. "We were raised in the environment that we were just so worried about stepping out of line one little inch, and we never knew what was coming or when it was coming, so we just kind of flew under the radar and didn't really live." Andrea says she never knew what a normal family behaved like until she went over to a friend's house. "I would ask my friend, 'You mean your parents don't beat you?'" Andrea says. "I remember her family inviting me up to a camping trip two weeks out of the summer, and it was like heaven." Rhonda, the oldest child, says she had a different experience with her mother. She grew up Barzee's mental decline, she says, and her mother was loving toward her. The children's biological father is the one who physically abused them, she says. "He had a couple of belts that he would use when we were younger," she says. "[My mother] didn't participate, but she never stuck up for us." Derrick says his mother was afraid of their father too. "My mother was probably terrified," he says. "She would incur the wrath of him if she would have tried to defend us." Andrea says she experienced physical abuse at the hands of both of her parents. "When I started standing up for my siblings, then I tended to get more of the physical abuse from both my dad and mom," she says.

In 1984, Barzee and her first husband—the children's father—got divorced. A year later, she married Brian David Mitchell. "I had a bad feeling about him in the very beginning," Rhonda says. "He just gave me a hug, and it was just a really creepy feeling." Louree, who was only 8 when her parents divorced, moved in with Mitchell and her mother when she was 12. "Brian and my mom would force me to pray with them for two to four hours a day," she says. "My mom was praying and I was kneeling there, and Brian actually nudged me and he pulled out some photos of some nude women and laid them up on the bed, and it seems that they were trying to get me to participate with them that day." Despite the nude pictures incident, Louree says Mitchell never abused her. "There were innuendos. There were long hugs. He'd shrug up against me," she says. "I felt like if I wore a turtleneck around him that he was undressing me with his eyes." The final straw for Louree came when she was 14 years old. "I asked what we were having for dinner, and my mom said chicken. During that meal, she and Brian were not touching their plates really, but they were kind of picking at a salad that they had, and she had a smile on her face the whole time," she says. "[The next day], I went to go feed my rabbit and the cage was empty, and I said, 'What happened to Peaches?' And she said, 'You had her for dinner last night.'" Louree says she moved out after that incident to escape the "mental torment."

Barzee's children say eventually she abandoned and disowned them all and they only saw her once in a while around town. "In 1991, I heard my mom and Brian had hit the road, sold their possessions and began preaching. I guess they were trying to live a life of poverty to probably get closer to God," Derrick says. "They hung out at the bus station, at the homeless shelters, and that's where they preached." Derrick and Rhonda both say they learned that Mitchell was suspected in the Elizabeth Smart kidnapping while watching America's Most Wanted. "I saw him profiled and everything just clicked," he says. "All the ill feelings I had toward Brian were justified right there, and I wanted to find him. … I was going to bring him to justice." Watching the episode, Derrick says he knew his mother must have also been involved in the crime. Louree says she believes Mitchell and Barzee went after Elizabeth Smart to start their own cult. "Brian was very power hungry in the church, and he couldn't really get any higher and he wanted control," she says. When asked what punishment they believe their mother deserves, Barzee's children have varying opinions. Andrea says her mother should be put away. "I don't think she should see the light of day again," she says. "As citizen and as a mother myself, I feel like I have a responsibility to help protect children, and I don't want to see anyone else fall victim to her. " Louree says she thinks her mother will always need to be under some supervision. "My mom's been mentally sick her whole life, and now that she's getting the right medication, apparently she is holding some responsibility for herself, so I think that's a good thing," she says. "But I think she's always going need to some kind of structure or somewhere to turn to. I don't think she should be out on her own." Derrick says he isn't sure what should happen to Barzee. "I'm not sure how I feel, if she should be locked away. … I'm glad she's taking responsibility for what she's done," he says. "Whatever her sentence is, you know, I think that should be fair…whatever that may be." Rhonda says she had trouble believing her mother was involved with the crime until she pled guilty. "I was closer to her, the first one, and the golden child, I guess," she says. "She taught me a lot. She did a lot of cooking and baking and homemaking. She made all of our clothes when we were little kids, and I have a different view of her [from] growing up."

These days, only Rhonda has been in communication with Barzee. "I visited her last January at the state hospital," she says. In January, Rhonda received this letter from her mother: "Dear Rhonda, Oh how much you mean to me and the boundless love I have for you and each one of your brothers and sisters. I am so very sorry for the lives of abuse you each had to live through growing up and that you have had to live without a mother and a grandmother to your children. It is my constant prayer that each of you may find it in your heart to forgive me. Each of you are so precious to me." Louree says the letter seems too little, too late. "It kind of makes me sick because you always want a mother to love you, and she's just never been a mother," she says. "It makes me angry that now when it's too late…usually, as children, you either get a mother or a father that love you, but we never had either." For Derrick's entire childhood, Barzee's sickness was a taboo topic, he says. "We all knew she was sick, but she's had a lifetime of not getting help for anything," he says. "And now that she's in her 60s and she's getting help for something, there's chasms between us. How do you bridge that? How do you overcome that distance? I don't know how to do it."

Barzee's children say they have all been affected by their mother's sins in different ways. "I don't regret anything that's happened to me in my life. I respect every single incidence because it made me who I am and the kind of mother I am," Louree says. "I know what not to be, so it's made me stronger in that sense and very close with my children." Despite all her mother's wrongdoings, Louree says she does not worry about becoming like their mother. "I've educated myself pretty well in the psychological department and I've studied a lot of mental illnesses, and I think just like if you have cancer that runs through your family, you have to be aware of it."

Derrick says he has had to learn to take responsibility for himself. "I had to look back and say, 'I was on the wrong path.' Like she went down," he says. "Once I figured out that I had to own my mistakes, it was a whole new world for me. I realized I couldn't be a victim of my circumstance anymore."

From The Oprah Winfrey Show The Children of Elizabeth Smart's Kidnapper Speak Out

The Children of Wanda Barzee Talk About Their Childhood - Video - Oprah.com

This is an amazing video on a taboo topic. I am not a big fan of Oprah but she has been known to go against the taboo topics. I can post an article tomorrow about these kids. They sat on her show and really painted a picture similar to my childhood. Their mother was violent and quite evil in her tourtment of her children just like my mother. I am never surprised when two mother's who've never met can be so similar in their abuse... It really made me think of all those kids out there living in their very own hell's every day!

The Children of Wanda Barzee Talk About Their Childhood - Video - Oprah.com

Hey ladies! I wanted to ask you all to pray that our state tax return will be deposited very, very soon! I leave in less than 11 days and have not been able to make even one reservation!! I really would like to get a more solid grasp on all that is going to happen. I am trying to be patient but every day that goes by I get a little more...well, you can imagine!! Prayers would be very much appreciated! Thanks ladies!!