As my husband and I face the fact that we need a serious budget and we have decided to use Dave Ramsey's material I am faced with some hidden scars. Scars that I have let control our finances and my spending. We are certainly not living in poverty but are not well-to-do. We find ourselves somewhere on the far side of comfortable. As my husband has been pushing this whole budget stuff I have begun to realize the deep hole I have dug. I am one of those emotional spenders. Much like a person who eats their emotions...I am one who enjoys "retail therapy". In the 7 years now that I have had to face my past and cut my mother out, etc. I must have been filling the loss up with what was taken...mainly just things most people enjoy. "Take that you evil, greedy B**CH!". But to make up for "lost time" I went overboard!! My mother didn't spend money on me. If she did HAVE to she did it begrudgingly and poured out guilt all over what was purchased. To this day, when I purchase something for myself it has guilt woven into it. I wear it (or use it) with this guilt "defect" running through it because it is all that I deserve. It almost feels like a lie. "You think I look nice but you don't know the truth...I don't deserve to look nice or have nice things." In these 3 years or so we have been in our struggle with Eli I have been so angry that I cannot control what is happening to my son. How does a mommy out of control ease her child's pain? She buys him a toy after every doctors appointment...and there have been so many. I couldn't face the truth so I soothed both of us with a toy. I fought the invisable foe with my credit card and it felt good!!! "Take that you friggin autism, speech delay, severe developmental delay...or whatever you are!!!". I needed to see some joy on my son's face after his turmoil. That in itself isn't always so bad, I know, but there is just a point when it is literally too much. Now, I have to fess up and come clean about the mess I have made. I have to stand in front of my husband one more time and make a painful confession. That man deserves many mansions, I am telling you!!! As I prepare for a very pain filled confession I am reminded of the many times I have felt the weight of facing truth throughout this journey. Right now I feel that familiar weight in my chest as if this time it will kill me. This time it is too much. I remember standing outside the home where we had our group counseling sessions (Cindy's) and begging myself to just get back in the car and drive away. What waited in that house was sure pain...it was as if I were going to be stripped naked in a room full of people. It was as if the tears would sting and all the bruises from my mother would be felt all at the same time. But I always went back. Of course I drove away a few times...but I went back. I believed that the battle was the gateway to being rid of all that S**T!!! I was promised that this journey was the way. I was promised that there was a different Ashley on the other side of the dark swamp. It was the hardest time in my life. Facing the truth made the time being my mother's victim seem easy. Continuing to live as a victim even after she was long gone would have been easier than walking through the threshold of that house. The times I went were out of obedience...simply knowing that was the right thing to do. I didn't like it but it was better than feeling guilt over not going. It took so long but each time I went...each time I faced even small truth, I chipped away the crusty shell my mother, my father, and any other person had poured out over me. I "kicked it in the crotch", if you will. And here I am! This debt crap is certainly not the highest mountain I have ever climbed. If my husband can find forgiveness (and it may take some time), the sting of the truth will soon fade.
After my last post I got so many emails from you all. Ha ha, it is as if you all know that I obsessively check email to see your validation which always comes from my faithful! Anyway, I knew it would touch you as women because AS women we all seem to deal with the weight issue. Some of us it is a choice...some of us it was not so much. For some of us weight is our dark swamp...a journey through "fire" to clean up the mess someone else made for us. And in every swamp there are hidden dangers. As we tackle the surface the hidden dangers (the forgotten memories...the painful triggers) threaten us...to the very core. We feel the threats, the pain, the truth in our bones. To those of you in that very swamp...I love you. It isn't fair...but it still is... If only my soul could be as beautiful as yours. Your body is only temporary in this life...(or maybe not;-)) For you my heart is tender and my soul cries out for you as you tackle your swampy future. I don't care what that person looks like on the outside because on the inside she is healed...she is clean...she is redeemed!!! There IS a promise of a different you at the other end...take that to the bank. And as for those that have or will threaten your life...give them a good kick in the "you know what's". It will sting and you will cry, curse, etc. but it is now you and God...those other jerks are just dust. You know what threshold you need to walk through...sweetie, that is half the battle!!
I am so thankful for music, once again. I am refreshed whenever an artist can produce a song that can remind me of where I have come and make me thankful I am not there any longer. I was telling a friend a few weeks ago that I feel like there are two kinds of faith. Faith that some have breeded into them. Faith that is as much a part of them as their arms or legs. They think faith and cannot part from it...it is their firm foundation. There are those of us who have to break down the lies and build up a firm foundation often through some kind of recovery. Things in this life threaten us and we have a choice...we may not have Truth as our first reaction. We can fall back to the lies (easy) or we can choose (sometimes painfully) to "have faith" and remember what happened the last time we had to make such a choice. No faith is better than the other...no faith is rewarded more. Both carry us to an eternity with our Father. An eternity without being fatherless...oh, God, yes please!!! Anyway, I always sort of resented when people said that Jesus cried with me all those years. It kind of pissed me off to think of Jesus crying when I was being molested...um, INTERVENE!!!! As a parent I can understand a little more. There are things that happen to our children that cannot be helped. Sometimes it was our choice or even an other's choice and to intervene would make a mess. I wonder what makes God weep more...when we are being molested or knowing this is what will bring us to His arms eventually? Or which tears at Him more...love for the victim or love for the perpetrator? God loved my mother and still does. God loved my step father and still does. That is okay with me...today anyway;-) ...Oh, the song, right! I heard this song and it made me realize that thinking of Jesus crying isn't that He isn't intervening...love, true love, opens us to pain and joy...often at the same time. Maybe Jesus cries because he cannot send lightening bolts!!! Maybe Jesus cries about the day we will lay that very moment at His feet.
Weeps For You by Jonny Diaz
She's sitting in the pew on Sunday morning
Praying what the pastor says can change her broken life
And the rain outside has really started pouring
But the darkest clouds of all are the ones she feels inside
She looks up at Jesus carved in stained glass
And her heart feels as heavy as the sky
She wonders if he hears her desperate prayers
And is that rain or are those tears he's crying
Did you know that He weeps for you
Cause he knows what you're going through
Even when you feel lost and scared
He promises that he'll still be there
Did you know his heart breaks for you
and there is one thing that's always true
that in your worst of times you'll never cry alone
Did you know he weeps for you
He's sitting in the waiting room at St. Jude's
Holding his wife's hand and what little hope that's left
But when the doctor enters in his head is shaking
He says I am so sorry... but we tried our very best
Out of the corner of his eye he sees a painting
Of Jesus cradling a baby lamb
And he can see as he looks through his own tears
That the savior is now crying along with him
Did you know that He weeps for you
Cause he knows what you're going through
Even when you feel lost and scared
He promises that he'll still be there
Did you know his heart breaks for you
and there is one thing that's always true
that in your worst of times you'll never cry alone
Did you know he weeps for you
He never did promise that it would be easy
There are bumps in the road, no matter where you go
But he went before us..so we don't have to go alone
Did you know that He weeps for you
Cause he knows what you're going through
Even when you feel lost and scared
He promises that he'll still be there
Did you know his heart breaks for you
and there is one thing that's always true
that in your worst of times you'll never cry alone
Did you know he weeps for you
Tuesday, July 26, 2011
Monday, July 11, 2011
A good week
What an interesting week since I last wrote. Needless to say the last time you heard from me I was mad!!! I make no excuses now. I was angry and I was hurt that God would ask my son to walk such a bumpy road in his little life. Before I get into that, let me walk you through a few things I experienced this week.
There is a woman at my church that is going through the diagnostic process with her child. Things are much worse for her. Her child is a teenager...able to speak...you get the picture. Anyway, we have been chatting off and on. She emailed me following our diagnosis apologizing over and over for venting her pains to me. She hadn't done that to anyone but her husband. She was sorry for burdening me. I was confused for about 12 seconds. It hit me (much like a ton of bricks) that not everyone knows the support that I have known for almost 7 years now. Just because people go to church does not mean they experience love, compassion, love, grace, patience, LOVE, and more patience like those of us reading this now. I have poured it all out several times in front of women who picked me up and nursed my wounds. I have cried, cursed, and yelled over these 7 years and have NEVER once been turned away. I have not met ridicule from those inside my trust. I have confessed sins in front of more people than those sins hurt an found love and forgiveness...no condemnation. What peace I have found. God's intended church is not in a building with stained glass...it has been found in you all...my trust. I thank you for listening to me over these years as I struggled to let go of the past and as I continue to walk this bumpy road.
I emailed a few college friends who also have children with special needs. It seems having to trust that God loves us even when we don't feel it is a common occurrence among Christian parents of children with special needs. The pain we feel over our children leaves a gaping wound. After many of us wrestle with God we are able to know He loves us and that that won't always make sense everyday. On friend told me that when she is home with her children they are who they are. There are no such things as delays or mental retardation. She can just enjoy her children for who they are and how they were created. When she takes them out in public she is reminded of how much they can't do. Then she feels the pain and is sad. What a relief I found in her words. It is okay to be sad when I see the gap between Eli and other kids his age but what a blessing to be able to enjoy him at home just the way he is. Things will be hard and there will be more trials to face in his life but we always have home where we can rest together.
This weekend we visited my husband's grandparents and went to church with them. You all will find the beginning of this story ironic. The Sunday School teacher opened with a question about how we were disciplined as a child...HA!!! I just kept my mouth shut and listened to those around me joke about the times their parents disciplined. As the hour was coming to an end one of the women said something I thought you all would have wondered about as I do. She is married with two boys. She is about my age and had a good income. She said that about a year ago she began to realise that she had had a pretty safe life. She had heard several testimonies from people that had walked through horrendous things and God had become more real to them. She marveled at having a testimony that would change someones life. She then proceeded to pray that if God saw fit to give her "rain". He did! I don't know the entire story but she is having a hysterectomy this week (she is my age), she'd had to quit her job, and her husband had had to change jobs when they had to move. WOW! I was laughing inside. Who would have thought that someone would ask God for what I am handed on, what feels like, a regular basis. I don't really know how to feel about this but I guess I don't really have to feel anything. She got what she asked for and God is more real to her. I take what I am given and we move on. My husband and I were discussing this on the way home. We know there are people in our lives who have never "suffered" and how sometimes that can cause us to wonder why is it all dumped on us. Here in our early 30's we have experienced more than some of those we know twice our age. Of course we never truly know what another is going through. Anyway, I mentioned my recent rant to God after Eli's diagnosis. My husband chuckled a little. I reassured him that I have always known deep down that there was a purpose. I know that this has all been scripted and mapped out. I let him know that I hate the purpose now. I want to stomp on the purpose and grind it into dust. I want to undo the purpose until it's presence has been forgotten. BUT I know there is a purpose. I wondered if my husband was ashamed that I always react in anger at things like these. He laughed again and told me I am much like David in that I am hot-headed! WHAT? ME?! Ha ha! We both agreed that I am not afraid to let God (and anyone in a 10 mile radius) know how I feel about something. I cry when I am happy and something touches me deep and I will scream when something makes me mad. In a word I am "passionate". I know my healing over these 7 years has opened the flood gates of my emotions, once locked away deep, DEEP inside. I am very self conscious of these things. They often overtake me an I am overwhelmed and vulnerable. I saw this as a flaw of someone very new to expressing what I feel. Little did I know that my husband has come to treasure this in me. Let's just say I can put another check on the bucket list...I always wanted to be treasured for being "every woman". Besides, in the last few months I have been on a search to define who I really am. Am I outdoorsy(yes)...do I like to cook/bake (no)...am I hotheaded(yes!!)? I wondered how God really made me. Did He grant me a personality of being outspoken? Does God really do that to people(HAHAHA)? It was always a source of shame in my childhood. Being loud and getting attention was a constant source of ridicule. I carry that still. But, is it futile to fight against that? Am I that woman who will volunteer for anything even before I am told what I am supposed to do? I am afraid so! Thank you Lord for making me this way! As Madeline says, "I 'yike' it!!". My next adventure is to see if I was created to be "sporty" or "outdoorsy". Growing up I wanted to play every sport and be a track star! Being forced to be a second care-giver to my siblings meant I was not allowed to do many extra curricular activities. I didn't ask to join anyway. It was common knowledge that I was not good at anything. HA! I am about to kick that untruth in the @$%!!!! I begin within the next few weeks to work up to running a 5K. I don't have my heart set on a 5K but more on having energy to enjoy activities with my kids and looking and feeling better. A 5K would just be some super sweet icing on the cake. We'll see. I hope I can do this...I HATE to exercise!!!!
There is a woman at my church that is going through the diagnostic process with her child. Things are much worse for her. Her child is a teenager...able to speak...you get the picture. Anyway, we have been chatting off and on. She emailed me following our diagnosis apologizing over and over for venting her pains to me. She hadn't done that to anyone but her husband. She was sorry for burdening me. I was confused for about 12 seconds. It hit me (much like a ton of bricks) that not everyone knows the support that I have known for almost 7 years now. Just because people go to church does not mean they experience love, compassion, love, grace, patience, LOVE, and more patience like those of us reading this now. I have poured it all out several times in front of women who picked me up and nursed my wounds. I have cried, cursed, and yelled over these 7 years and have NEVER once been turned away. I have not met ridicule from those inside my trust. I have confessed sins in front of more people than those sins hurt an found love and forgiveness...no condemnation. What peace I have found. God's intended church is not in a building with stained glass...it has been found in you all...my trust. I thank you for listening to me over these years as I struggled to let go of the past and as I continue to walk this bumpy road.
I emailed a few college friends who also have children with special needs. It seems having to trust that God loves us even when we don't feel it is a common occurrence among Christian parents of children with special needs. The pain we feel over our children leaves a gaping wound. After many of us wrestle with God we are able to know He loves us and that that won't always make sense everyday. On friend told me that when she is home with her children they are who they are. There are no such things as delays or mental retardation. She can just enjoy her children for who they are and how they were created. When she takes them out in public she is reminded of how much they can't do. Then she feels the pain and is sad. What a relief I found in her words. It is okay to be sad when I see the gap between Eli and other kids his age but what a blessing to be able to enjoy him at home just the way he is. Things will be hard and there will be more trials to face in his life but we always have home where we can rest together.
This weekend we visited my husband's grandparents and went to church with them. You all will find the beginning of this story ironic. The Sunday School teacher opened with a question about how we were disciplined as a child...HA!!! I just kept my mouth shut and listened to those around me joke about the times their parents disciplined. As the hour was coming to an end one of the women said something I thought you all would have wondered about as I do. She is married with two boys. She is about my age and had a good income. She said that about a year ago she began to realise that she had had a pretty safe life. She had heard several testimonies from people that had walked through horrendous things and God had become more real to them. She marveled at having a testimony that would change someones life. She then proceeded to pray that if God saw fit to give her "rain". He did! I don't know the entire story but she is having a hysterectomy this week (she is my age), she'd had to quit her job, and her husband had had to change jobs when they had to move. WOW! I was laughing inside. Who would have thought that someone would ask God for what I am handed on, what feels like, a regular basis. I don't really know how to feel about this but I guess I don't really have to feel anything. She got what she asked for and God is more real to her. I take what I am given and we move on. My husband and I were discussing this on the way home. We know there are people in our lives who have never "suffered" and how sometimes that can cause us to wonder why is it all dumped on us. Here in our early 30's we have experienced more than some of those we know twice our age. Of course we never truly know what another is going through. Anyway, I mentioned my recent rant to God after Eli's diagnosis. My husband chuckled a little. I reassured him that I have always known deep down that there was a purpose. I know that this has all been scripted and mapped out. I let him know that I hate the purpose now. I want to stomp on the purpose and grind it into dust. I want to undo the purpose until it's presence has been forgotten. BUT I know there is a purpose. I wondered if my husband was ashamed that I always react in anger at things like these. He laughed again and told me I am much like David in that I am hot-headed! WHAT? ME?! Ha ha! We both agreed that I am not afraid to let God (and anyone in a 10 mile radius) know how I feel about something. I cry when I am happy and something touches me deep and I will scream when something makes me mad. In a word I am "passionate". I know my healing over these 7 years has opened the flood gates of my emotions, once locked away deep, DEEP inside. I am very self conscious of these things. They often overtake me an I am overwhelmed and vulnerable. I saw this as a flaw of someone very new to expressing what I feel. Little did I know that my husband has come to treasure this in me. Let's just say I can put another check on the bucket list...I always wanted to be treasured for being "every woman". Besides, in the last few months I have been on a search to define who I really am. Am I outdoorsy(yes)...do I like to cook/bake (no)...am I hotheaded(yes!!)? I wondered how God really made me. Did He grant me a personality of being outspoken? Does God really do that to people(HAHAHA)? It was always a source of shame in my childhood. Being loud and getting attention was a constant source of ridicule. I carry that still. But, is it futile to fight against that? Am I that woman who will volunteer for anything even before I am told what I am supposed to do? I am afraid so! Thank you Lord for making me this way! As Madeline says, "I 'yike' it!!". My next adventure is to see if I was created to be "sporty" or "outdoorsy". Growing up I wanted to play every sport and be a track star! Being forced to be a second care-giver to my siblings meant I was not allowed to do many extra curricular activities. I didn't ask to join anyway. It was common knowledge that I was not good at anything. HA! I am about to kick that untruth in the @$%!!!! I begin within the next few weeks to work up to running a 5K. I don't have my heart set on a 5K but more on having energy to enjoy activities with my kids and looking and feeling better. A 5K would just be some super sweet icing on the cake. We'll see. I hope I can do this...I HATE to exercise!!!!
Friday, July 1, 2011
I was hoping my "writer's block" would have lifted by now but I just can't find that soothe that I usually get from pouring my words out.
Good news an bad news, Eli does not have autism. He has two of the three markers but they could not diagnose him autistic because his anti-social skills are not so severe. Instead, the results of the testing show Eli falls into the category of being mentally retarded. Right now they call it a severe developmental delay because he is only four. Our IQ isn't firmly established until we are age six. Unless Eli can catch up to his peers in 18 months his delay will become something permanent and he will be considered mentally retarded. This, as I am learning, is a very broad category ranging from profound to mild. Eli is/would be considered mildly mentally retarded. Why does that not make me feel better?
We all know what happens to kids in the "special" class in schools. Oh God, not my baby! WHY, WHY, WHY???? I am pissed! Only 2% of children even fall into this category...but still my baby stands among them! Why, why is my son made to suffer this? God, have I not suffered enough so that my children might be looked over? Why this...why pile this pain on top of everything else I/we have been made to endure? How could you do this to Eli? How could you...a loving Father? I don't understand! How can I be expected to be so much for Eli? I am not good enough for this! I don't have what it takes to mother a special needs child! I can't do this...you can't do this to Eli! He deserves more and I don't know how to give him what he needs. I don't know what I am doing! How can I, who was never mothered have so much expected of me? How could you?! How is this love?? I can't fix Eli's brain and make it work better or faster...that is YOUR job!! I can't do this! If it is left up to me...what will happen to Eli?
I can hear you all correcting me out there! I know the truth in my head...I know it is not in my hands but I guess heartbreak wins out for this moment. It is all still fresh. I guess you could say the wound is still bleeding. Everyone is happy he doesn't have Autism and they tell me to have faith that he can catch up in 18 months. Right after I visualized slapping them in the face a few times I want to scream at them and tell them they are stupid!!! Right now, I need to be realistic. It isn't time to take the "hands off faith" approach! Right now Eli functions on a two year old level. Meaning all his accomplishments are the same as Madeline's. But not for long. Maddie begins to pass her brother as she continues to reach milestones. This is just the beginning of the pain in that area of their relationship...but one thing at a time. I don't feel wise in not preparing my heart and our future for the possibility that Eli will, in fact, be intellectually disabled. I guess it doesn't really matter how that sounds because I am the one preparing my child for the fight OF HIS LIFE! I am the one who will have to answer the questions from both my children when they ask me, "Why?".
I am angry...as you can tell. I still don't understand why God expects so much of young children. I don't understand why the pain continues to be piled on my family. I know that anger is a proper response to this news and I know that I will figure this out. I may never be someone who responds to these things with immediate praise to God but God loves me no less. I remember thinking a few months ago that my heart had been broken in all ways possible...that I might never have to know real pain again. HA!!! I have been mentoring another mom from our church who finds herself at the beginning of such a diagnosis for her daughter and I was actually afraid that I had lost touch with the pain I felt over "mourning" my child's losses. HA!!! I hope you can all hear me laughing over how ridiculous those thoughts seem to me now!!
Writers block...gone!
Good news an bad news, Eli does not have autism. He has two of the three markers but they could not diagnose him autistic because his anti-social skills are not so severe. Instead, the results of the testing show Eli falls into the category of being mentally retarded. Right now they call it a severe developmental delay because he is only four. Our IQ isn't firmly established until we are age six. Unless Eli can catch up to his peers in 18 months his delay will become something permanent and he will be considered mentally retarded. This, as I am learning, is a very broad category ranging from profound to mild. Eli is/would be considered mildly mentally retarded. Why does that not make me feel better?
We all know what happens to kids in the "special" class in schools. Oh God, not my baby! WHY, WHY, WHY???? I am pissed! Only 2% of children even fall into this category...but still my baby stands among them! Why, why is my son made to suffer this? God, have I not suffered enough so that my children might be looked over? Why this...why pile this pain on top of everything else I/we have been made to endure? How could you do this to Eli? How could you...a loving Father? I don't understand! How can I be expected to be so much for Eli? I am not good enough for this! I don't have what it takes to mother a special needs child! I can't do this...you can't do this to Eli! He deserves more and I don't know how to give him what he needs. I don't know what I am doing! How can I, who was never mothered have so much expected of me? How could you?! How is this love?? I can't fix Eli's brain and make it work better or faster...that is YOUR job!! I can't do this! If it is left up to me...what will happen to Eli?
I can hear you all correcting me out there! I know the truth in my head...I know it is not in my hands but I guess heartbreak wins out for this moment. It is all still fresh. I guess you could say the wound is still bleeding. Everyone is happy he doesn't have Autism and they tell me to have faith that he can catch up in 18 months. Right after I visualized slapping them in the face a few times I want to scream at them and tell them they are stupid!!! Right now, I need to be realistic. It isn't time to take the "hands off faith" approach! Right now Eli functions on a two year old level. Meaning all his accomplishments are the same as Madeline's. But not for long. Maddie begins to pass her brother as she continues to reach milestones. This is just the beginning of the pain in that area of their relationship...but one thing at a time. I don't feel wise in not preparing my heart and our future for the possibility that Eli will, in fact, be intellectually disabled. I guess it doesn't really matter how that sounds because I am the one preparing my child for the fight OF HIS LIFE! I am the one who will have to answer the questions from both my children when they ask me, "Why?".
I am angry...as you can tell. I still don't understand why God expects so much of young children. I don't understand why the pain continues to be piled on my family. I know that anger is a proper response to this news and I know that I will figure this out. I may never be someone who responds to these things with immediate praise to God but God loves me no less. I remember thinking a few months ago that my heart had been broken in all ways possible...that I might never have to know real pain again. HA!!! I have been mentoring another mom from our church who finds herself at the beginning of such a diagnosis for her daughter and I was actually afraid that I had lost touch with the pain I felt over "mourning" my child's losses. HA!!! I hope you can all hear me laughing over how ridiculous those thoughts seem to me now!!
Writers block...gone!
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