I was reminded tonight that I usually need a "slap in the face" before I realize something as truth. For example, someone said to me tonight that I have an attitude about father's, fatherhood, and anything having to do with father's in my life! This was said to me in a loving but matter of fact way...just like I usually need. I DO have an attitude...an angry, pissed off attitude.
God presents Himself to us as a Father. Well, He should. He created us and watches over us and loves us in a similar way to an earthly Father. Jesus used parables the way publishers use pictures in books and manuals. Pictures quite literally show or explain the truth, the process being presented in a manual. Parables were used as mental pictures. God bringing himself to his people in a way they could relate to and understand. He loved them and wanted to be real to them. Imagine then, if you will, the ones who have had no father. There I am. No earthly father. I have never seen his face...not even a picture. He held me once as a baby but I have never felt his touch to my memory. He is a void. An emptiness...a nothing. He is a fantasy. In my dreams I "see" him but I always wake up right before he would reveal his face. All my life I have wanted with a desperation that I could sometimes feel in my chest to see my father. I still want my father. I still want him to come walking up my driveway...I feel so foolish but it is the truth. I am holding out. I am in a sort of waiting room. I wait for this man that I don't even know to come and make it all better. I have some sort of twisted hope that he will just come back and life will go on. It sounds so ridiculous, I know. I want him, I want him, I want him. I want to be the daughter! I want to belong to a man on this earth the way my Maddie belongs to her daddy. I want to be my dad's little girl. I want someone to look at me that way. I WANT IT!!! I can hear you all saying, "But God...". I know I am all this to God and more. I know what the Bible says...but the my heart doesn't speak Bible sometimes. Father is such a stupid, dirty, ugly word to me! Why me? In a room full of women weeping over things their father's did to them I can still feel lower than them all because I can sit and remember that mine just walked away. He never had a second thought. I was waste to him...a mistake, a burden, TRASH! He discarded me and left me for dead. I wonder if he even knows my name. How can I want him this much and he want me so little? It feels like a scarlet letter. All of you have a father but I am the bastard. I wasn't worth a second look. He might as well have wrapped me up in a trash bag and dumped me in the land fill.
I can tell you that my heart knows God never left me. I can tell you it was my father's choice to abandon me. Somehow the latter has more weight on how much I value myself! What a shame. The scars my father left on me cover me entirely. I know my wounds and my scars make up my story. I know my life has a purpose. I know God allows bad things to happen but He never authors it. (Someone said that to me tonight too...what a pleasant reminder!) Why is it so hard for me to say that God never meant for me to be fatherless. When I think of me it is automatic to think that I am fatherless. I have an easier time believing it was never meant to be...but it was, wasn't it? God intends for everyone to have two parents...hence the reproductive differences of the male and female!! He designed it this way for a purpose. A mother cannot fulfill the role of a father and a father cannot fulfill the role of a mother. We as human beings need both to become well rounded people. What happens when the family is not a complete circle...DAMAGE!! I know the damage exists in two parent families as well. But I can only speak to what I know. Sometimes I feel like a nomad. Where do I belong and from where (or whom) did I come? Man this really sucks!! I will probably never lay eyes on my father in this life or the next. I will never know who he is or what he looks like. That breaks my heart. I feel like everything has been taken from me...my mother and my father. I feel blind sometimes at the hand of these two people. I am a product of sin and I am lost. I am branded the bastard and all that comes with it.
I know I have purpose. I know the wrongs of the past will stay in the past. My children are the first in at least 2 generations to be held by their fathers. They will never be fatherless. That is a victory. I don't know what purpose my being fatherless will serve. I don't know why God can't pick up my father where he stands now and bring him to me. Well I guess I do know why He doesn't do that...my father would most likely walk away again. I just don't understand. I know that if my father were to come back I wouldn't know what to do with him. It wouldn't make all this pain just float away. He would be just as much a stranger to me as he is now. Fatherhood would still be blank to me.
I have left the spot vacant in my life. It doesn't feel right to let another man father me. It would feel like betrayal. I don't want another man there...maybe I don't want anyone there at all. Who knows??!! I know I am afraid of what I would face if I pulled apart the strings of that "area" of my life. It scares me to death. It would be like crossing the desert without a map...a road to certain death!! I don't think I have enough faith to face it all. How can I help other people when I am such a coward??
Thursday, July 22, 2010
Tuesday, July 20, 2010
PMS...I hate you!!!
Women...we are made in a special way. Passion, love, anger, laughter, etc all wrapped into a pretty "package". The weaker sex...are not so weak! We may not lift cars over our heads but strength comes with many disguises. Most days of the month I would tell you I am proud I was made a woman. I'd tell you that we get the better role because we get to carry babies and go shopping for nice things (of course those are not of equal value to me). With the former comes a down side...one we can ungratefully thank Eve...PMS and "Aunt Flo"! I feel that the older I get the more uncontrollable these premenstrual symptoms get. So out of control that last month I was diagnosed with PMDD or Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder and prescribed Prozac. PMDD is basically symptoms of PMS only much much stronger. I described a span of about 5 days when I felt totally out of control over my emotions. I couldn't sleep and my body was tight with tension. When I woke up on the 6th day it was like I had slept for 24 hours. I felt lighter, enthusiastic, and happy. A total turn around.
A few times I have been "offered" medication for depression. In the years after my marriage but before I began my healing process I confessed to my husband that I thought I was depressed. After beginning the healing process I became determined to handle things on my own. I admired people who didn't have a "hang up" about medicating themselves...or didn't let it bother them. I couldn't admit my weakness was sometimes more that I could handle. This is a touchy subject especially in the church. I have heard interviews and read articles saying taking medication is ripping away trust in God and believing in God's healing power. I have to admit, I believed that to a point. I believe that many people suffering from psychiatric problems were once victims as children. I am no doctor so I can only speak from my own experience. I was functional as long as I was at home. Once I moved out the skills I'd used to survive my mother were no longer valid. I was lost. Actually, the word "lost" doesn't seem to weigh enough to cover what I was going through. I had absolutely no social skills. I was suspicious of everyone. I couldn't fit in anywhere. I might get close to someone but I would run away in fear. I was so awkward and weird. Not being able to fit in took a toll on my already minimal self esteem. Meanwhile I was trying to function on the outside with the leftovers of physical, emotional, and sexual abuse on the inside. I often couldn't contain my pain and resorted to cutting myself to get some kind of relief. I stopped after another girl was caught cutting herself. Her parents were called and everyone knew what she had done. My mind filled with the things that would happen to me if my mother found out I was doing the same. I cried myself to sleep most nights...even into my marriage. I was in a constant state of anger or rage. I rarely laughed or smiled. I fought with my husband constantly. Things had to be my way or no way. If something went wrong I lost my mind! I'd retreat and become reclusive. I certainly couldn't concentrate or perform in college and of course my grades suffered. As I have said before, I felt like the Antichrist. I am serious! I really felt like I was going to fulfill the role of the Antichrist...I felt evil. All of this lead me to feel like I was fooling everyone. No one knew how truly bad I was. It was only a matter of time. I literally felt that at some point in my life I would end up in a psychiatric hospital...no lie! I would hold it together as long as I possibly could but it would all end in psychosis! I just had to hide it as long as possible.
I do believe that God can heal in an instant. I have begged Him for healing hundreds of times but it has never come in an instant. I was begging God for the easy way out. If God had given me the easy way out I would no doubt find myself in trouble again lacking the wisdom I would have learned from overcoming the past. Like a good parent, God wanted what was best for me now so I can thrive in the future. I have been in this journey for 6 years now. I have come a long long way in 6 years but as most of us know this is a life long process. Scars fade but they never really disappear. I will fight this until I die...but that is okay. I wonder if my next battle is again with the emotional scars. I have never taken up the offers for depression medication. I think it was fear that kept me away from the help they might offer. I was afraid of addiction...I was afraid of not being myself...I was afraid my husband would love the wife on medication more than the wife I really was. Who could blame him?
Then, a few months ago, I was overcome with the symptoms I described above. I thank the Lord I never got physical with my kids, but I raised my voice (okay, I YELLED a lot!). I wasn't able to enjoy them or anything really. I found myself in tears at not being in control over my own emotions...my own body. I never wanted to take medication. I never wanted to admit it had all become to much to bare. I know the things that were done to me so I know that it is in me to do the same to my children. That I CANNOT bare. It takes a lot out of me to admit I can't control "it" on my own. I look 20 years down the road. What will matter more; that my children are happy and functioning adults or that I had to take a few pills every month to help things not get out of hand? Ugh, it is a daily choice sometimes. If I know that I am feeling the "symptoms" do I choose something I think shows weakness in me (a pill) or do I forsake all stigma and choose my children over it all? I choose my children. I will always ultimately choose my children.
A few times I have been "offered" medication for depression. In the years after my marriage but before I began my healing process I confessed to my husband that I thought I was depressed. After beginning the healing process I became determined to handle things on my own. I admired people who didn't have a "hang up" about medicating themselves...or didn't let it bother them. I couldn't admit my weakness was sometimes more that I could handle. This is a touchy subject especially in the church. I have heard interviews and read articles saying taking medication is ripping away trust in God and believing in God's healing power. I have to admit, I believed that to a point. I believe that many people suffering from psychiatric problems were once victims as children. I am no doctor so I can only speak from my own experience. I was functional as long as I was at home. Once I moved out the skills I'd used to survive my mother were no longer valid. I was lost. Actually, the word "lost" doesn't seem to weigh enough to cover what I was going through. I had absolutely no social skills. I was suspicious of everyone. I couldn't fit in anywhere. I might get close to someone but I would run away in fear. I was so awkward and weird. Not being able to fit in took a toll on my already minimal self esteem. Meanwhile I was trying to function on the outside with the leftovers of physical, emotional, and sexual abuse on the inside. I often couldn't contain my pain and resorted to cutting myself to get some kind of relief. I stopped after another girl was caught cutting herself. Her parents were called and everyone knew what she had done. My mind filled with the things that would happen to me if my mother found out I was doing the same. I cried myself to sleep most nights...even into my marriage. I was in a constant state of anger or rage. I rarely laughed or smiled. I fought with my husband constantly. Things had to be my way or no way. If something went wrong I lost my mind! I'd retreat and become reclusive. I certainly couldn't concentrate or perform in college and of course my grades suffered. As I have said before, I felt like the Antichrist. I am serious! I really felt like I was going to fulfill the role of the Antichrist...I felt evil. All of this lead me to feel like I was fooling everyone. No one knew how truly bad I was. It was only a matter of time. I literally felt that at some point in my life I would end up in a psychiatric hospital...no lie! I would hold it together as long as I possibly could but it would all end in psychosis! I just had to hide it as long as possible.
I do believe that God can heal in an instant. I have begged Him for healing hundreds of times but it has never come in an instant. I was begging God for the easy way out. If God had given me the easy way out I would no doubt find myself in trouble again lacking the wisdom I would have learned from overcoming the past. Like a good parent, God wanted what was best for me now so I can thrive in the future. I have been in this journey for 6 years now. I have come a long long way in 6 years but as most of us know this is a life long process. Scars fade but they never really disappear. I will fight this until I die...but that is okay. I wonder if my next battle is again with the emotional scars. I have never taken up the offers for depression medication. I think it was fear that kept me away from the help they might offer. I was afraid of addiction...I was afraid of not being myself...I was afraid my husband would love the wife on medication more than the wife I really was. Who could blame him?
Then, a few months ago, I was overcome with the symptoms I described above. I thank the Lord I never got physical with my kids, but I raised my voice (okay, I YELLED a lot!). I wasn't able to enjoy them or anything really. I found myself in tears at not being in control over my own emotions...my own body. I never wanted to take medication. I never wanted to admit it had all become to much to bare. I know the things that were done to me so I know that it is in me to do the same to my children. That I CANNOT bare. It takes a lot out of me to admit I can't control "it" on my own. I look 20 years down the road. What will matter more; that my children are happy and functioning adults or that I had to take a few pills every month to help things not get out of hand? Ugh, it is a daily choice sometimes. If I know that I am feeling the "symptoms" do I choose something I think shows weakness in me (a pill) or do I forsake all stigma and choose my children over it all? I choose my children. I will always ultimately choose my children.
Thursday, July 8, 2010
The best advice
I read this in a story about billionaire, Warren Buffett, today. No doubt the journalist was hoping for some stock market key to a quick fortune when she asked him what was the best advice he ever received...but that isn't what she was given. Buffet recounts the best advice he's ever received, "The power of unconditional love. I mean, there is no power on earth like unconditional love. And I think that if you offered that to your child, I mean you’re 90 percent of the way home. There may be days when you don’t feel like it, it’s not uncritical love, that’s a different animal, but to know you can always come back, that is huge in life. That takes you a long, long way. And I would say that every parent out there that can extend that to their child at an early age, it’s going to make for a better human being." WOW!!! This from a man who can give his kids ANYTHING they ever had a small want for but he would rather enrich them with love. he would rather build their character than their collection of toys.
Buffet comments that his own father loved him unconditionally. I understand (I mean a seriously bitter understanding) that being shown a love like this makes it a HELL of a lot easier to give it away. We know that Jesus allowed Himself to be beaten and nailed to a cross because He would rather Himself die than any of us...we can know that but do you ever wish you could have seen Jesus? I do!! I WISH I could have been one of those children running to sit as close as I could to Jesus. I WISH I could have felt His Fatherly touch on my face. I know, I know I can return to be "like a child" but don't say it to me! I can NEVER get a second chance to be a little girl! I can never go back and live a safe childhood. It just wasn't meant to be. Some would call me a "doubting Thomas" because I want to SEE Jesus. Don't worry, I'd rather speak my own truth than stand behind what I am "supposed" to do. I want to see Jesus. I want him to sit next to me and tell me what the truth is..I want him to be visible to my eyes...I want a picture to put in a frame to remind me of my good friend J.C.!!! But do I really want that? *sigh*No, not really. I mean, wouldn't putting Jesus in a frame somehow put a limit on Him? If I could touch him...wouldn't I eventually forget? If I could sit with him...wouldn't I eventually have to look away or say goodbye? Wouldn't that put an end to my faith? I mean isn't it my drive in life to do the best I possibly can so that I can die (in God's time...I am not suicidal!!) and LOOK out and see JESUS???
My past is what it is. As I have said before I wouldn't change it (I couldn't anyway...even though I've tried!). Would I be sitting here right now typing out these words if I was loved as a child? Nope! Would I even be able to hold company with those of you that read this? I could but it would not be the intimacy we share. So, I am good. I will take what I have and keep pressing on...bound to fail again and again...but get up, brush myself off and hope no one saw!! But seriously, I too wish I could pave the way in life for my children. I wish I could be perfection for them. I wish I was a billionaire so they would want for nothing. I KNOW I try to make up for my low self esteem as a mother when I buy my kids things they don't really need. Truth is, they forget about those things within a millisecond of receiving them...and then I am left to "prove" my worth again. Prove it to whom? They don't understand what I am doing! Will a pretty doll make Maddies "owie" go away next time? Not at all...but mommy's kiss will. Will Eli's new Buzz Lightyear shirt comfort him when he wakes up in the middle of the night? Nope, but mommy's hugs will. Bottom line, my kids know where to run when they are hurt or scared. They can't run to me when they are 30 and fall off of something (Eli will most likely still be climbing things when he is that age!)! But they will know it is safe to cry, it is safe to be angry, it is safe to go to someone you love...and a whole bunch of other things I cannot understand as the messed up person I am (lol!). Love will fill the holes. God promises us this...I don't often see how love can bypass my craziness but...I have to believe the God who let his own son leave home knowing the only way he'd see him again was after his son had died a gruesome death JUST so God could usher me into heaven someday. I can't wake up in the morning and think if I hug and kiss my kids that I no longer have to sort through the crap I wade in from the past. THAT would not be love. I am saying that I will fail. I will lose my temper. I will (and do) raise my voice. If I have laid a foundation of love...and prove it again and again, love will cover the mistakes and my kids will be whole human beings. On that day mom will take a looooooong nap! Unconditional love is exhausting and a little messy!!
Buffet comments that his own father loved him unconditionally. I understand (I mean a seriously bitter understanding) that being shown a love like this makes it a HELL of a lot easier to give it away. We know that Jesus allowed Himself to be beaten and nailed to a cross because He would rather Himself die than any of us...we can know that but do you ever wish you could have seen Jesus? I do!! I WISH I could have been one of those children running to sit as close as I could to Jesus. I WISH I could have felt His Fatherly touch on my face. I know, I know I can return to be "like a child" but don't say it to me! I can NEVER get a second chance to be a little girl! I can never go back and live a safe childhood. It just wasn't meant to be. Some would call me a "doubting Thomas" because I want to SEE Jesus. Don't worry, I'd rather speak my own truth than stand behind what I am "supposed" to do. I want to see Jesus. I want him to sit next to me and tell me what the truth is..I want him to be visible to my eyes...I want a picture to put in a frame to remind me of my good friend J.C.!!! But do I really want that? *sigh*No, not really. I mean, wouldn't putting Jesus in a frame somehow put a limit on Him? If I could touch him...wouldn't I eventually forget? If I could sit with him...wouldn't I eventually have to look away or say goodbye? Wouldn't that put an end to my faith? I mean isn't it my drive in life to do the best I possibly can so that I can die (in God's time...I am not suicidal!!) and LOOK out and see JESUS???
My past is what it is. As I have said before I wouldn't change it (I couldn't anyway...even though I've tried!). Would I be sitting here right now typing out these words if I was loved as a child? Nope! Would I even be able to hold company with those of you that read this? I could but it would not be the intimacy we share. So, I am good. I will take what I have and keep pressing on...bound to fail again and again...but get up, brush myself off and hope no one saw!! But seriously, I too wish I could pave the way in life for my children. I wish I could be perfection for them. I wish I was a billionaire so they would want for nothing. I KNOW I try to make up for my low self esteem as a mother when I buy my kids things they don't really need. Truth is, they forget about those things within a millisecond of receiving them...and then I am left to "prove" my worth again. Prove it to whom? They don't understand what I am doing! Will a pretty doll make Maddies "owie" go away next time? Not at all...but mommy's kiss will. Will Eli's new Buzz Lightyear shirt comfort him when he wakes up in the middle of the night? Nope, but mommy's hugs will. Bottom line, my kids know where to run when they are hurt or scared. They can't run to me when they are 30 and fall off of something (Eli will most likely still be climbing things when he is that age!)! But they will know it is safe to cry, it is safe to be angry, it is safe to go to someone you love...and a whole bunch of other things I cannot understand as the messed up person I am (lol!). Love will fill the holes. God promises us this...I don't often see how love can bypass my craziness but...I have to believe the God who let his own son leave home knowing the only way he'd see him again was after his son had died a gruesome death JUST so God could usher me into heaven someday. I can't wake up in the morning and think if I hug and kiss my kids that I no longer have to sort through the crap I wade in from the past. THAT would not be love. I am saying that I will fail. I will lose my temper. I will (and do) raise my voice. If I have laid a foundation of love...and prove it again and again, love will cover the mistakes and my kids will be whole human beings. On that day mom will take a looooooong nap! Unconditional love is exhausting and a little messy!!
Sunday, July 4, 2010
High treason
We had an interesting discussion in small groups today at church. Someone remarked how they thought it odd or uncomfortable that people would stand up (unprovoked) during a patriotic song but might not do the same during a song that spoke about our heavenly citizenship. Where or how do we separate patriotism from being "of the world"? Someone even mentioned that they believed the country was indeed NOT founded on biblical principles. Which sparked a debate. Not to mention one man's feeling awkward at saying the pledge of allegiance in church. I thought about this to myself (although the history teacher in me was SCREAMING to be heard!!). I thought of the very fact of our debating over such things about our country INSIDE of a church...the irony was too much. You have to take all this in from a historical perspective. We get hot under the collar and yell at each other over religion and patriotism because we are spoiled. Very few places in the world will allow such outspokenness...often speaking out will land you in jail or worse. Opinions are not as tolerated as they are on our soil. Two hundred and thirty five years ago our country was born. It was not a joyous occasion for all. We didn't get swaddled and kissed by "mommy". We were born out of rebellion...we could be considered a "bastard child" if you will. Meeting in Independence Hall (as it is now known) was treason...not to mention drafting and then SIGNING the Declaration of Independence! Imagine if your own child wrote you a letter basically saying they were moving out and emancipating themselves because they didn't like the way you and dad spent the income! Yes, the colonies were the epitome of the unruly child. But there is a beauty in that. I myself am the mother of a strong willed child. It is a rough place to be but I can see past the tantrums and high pitched screams...her spirit. As a child, Madeline cannot control her desire for what she wants...she has no boundaries or self control. She doesn't give up easily...hence the 7 minute screaming fits!! What passion that will turn into!! How safe those whom she will love will be in her arms. She will fight for what she knows is right...stubbornness isn't always bad. My girl is just like me! The colonists had their reasons for their "rebellious streak". The men who signed the declaration faced torture and death if they had lost the war. They had passion and they were stubborn! What if they had not been this way? We'd be sitting in a Catholic Church guarding what we said against the Queen! This was one tantrum I am thankful for. Is not the woman (or man) who seeks healing from his past not in rebellion too? She dares to question the "way it has always been". She dares face pain and past in the face...not always winning the battle but winning the war. Is she not brave and courageous?? Does she not face a giant demanding it release her?
I had to laugh when the comment was made that our country was not founded on biblical principles. Not all the framers of the constitution were considered (or considered themselves) Christians. A large majority of they didn't live the lives of what we would consider "Christian". George Washington himself had slaves and even "bought" (sure he did) these slaves teeth to create on of his infamous dentures. He did not value all life as equal. He did believe that God had saved him from death many times throughout his lifetime so that he could lead this newly formed nation. Otherwise, he would have turned down the Presidency. Bottom line, our founding fathers were just as flawed as we are today. Society was more accepting of the bible and the state (government) being intermingled or unseperated from religion. It was all that any man had known. To question that...well, there wasn't much of a question. Besides, even the non-christian could see the value in "biblical" principles. Do not steal, do not murder, etc. We also have to remember the "attitude" on slavery. White men believed that God had nothing against slavery. Although, the doubt was already present with some. White men simply believed the African was below him. He had been taught this by his father and he would teach this to his son. Women were also inferior because that is just the way it was. We know that this is NOT the way God felt. We KNOW God created us all and we are all equal in his sight. We also know the horrendous events that transpired because of this "belief" among early Americans. I don't excuse slavery. To lord over another human being is evil. But to say that our country was not founded on Biblical principles is not true. We cannot blame John Adams for abortion laws of today. Get real people! There wouldn't be so many amendments to the constitution if the men who wrote it were without sin or sinful attitudes. Our country grows and it changes. The Constitution is a foundation. I admire the rebellious people who stood up to King George! These men were not perfect. Some made HUGE mistakes. But why would I expect them to be perfect. Only Jesus was without sin. Jesus is set apart. I am an American. I am proud to live here and (most of the time) there is no where else I would rather be. I will not be here forever. Someday I will die and go to my real home. I do not worship or have a worship attitude when I sing "America the Beautiful". I know that the pledge of allegiance was originally propaganda meant to drill "allegiance" into the children of a new nation. If I keep an attitude of Heaven as my HOME this does not bother me. There is history all around me. To forget the past condemns us to repeat it's mistakes. We ALL know that all too well. I remember the times my mother beat me, spat on me, or said she hated me...I remember them clear as day. Do they spark me into hate, sometimes. Do they make me mad, sometimes. Do they keep me in sadness, NO! I see how far I have come. I see the future when I watch my daughter walk down the isle knowing I did the very best I could and she is a whole woman! I get courage from the past. I face my daily healing and my future with bravery. I fail. I fail BIG TIME! But the war will be won. Every battle gives me strength and wisdom for the next. I am in rebellion too. I rebel against the cycle of abuse for generations past. I rebel against beating and hating my own children as I was taught to do. I rebel against my mother and have lost because of it. Rebellion is not beautiful...often painful and bloody but I will not give up. Founding fathers, however flawed, had a GREAT idea! Happy 4th of July everyone. See you around our this land till we all go HOME!!!
I had to laugh when the comment was made that our country was not founded on biblical principles. Not all the framers of the constitution were considered (or considered themselves) Christians. A large majority of they didn't live the lives of what we would consider "Christian". George Washington himself had slaves and even "bought" (sure he did) these slaves teeth to create on of his infamous dentures. He did not value all life as equal. He did believe that God had saved him from death many times throughout his lifetime so that he could lead this newly formed nation. Otherwise, he would have turned down the Presidency. Bottom line, our founding fathers were just as flawed as we are today. Society was more accepting of the bible and the state (government) being intermingled or unseperated from religion. It was all that any man had known. To question that...well, there wasn't much of a question. Besides, even the non-christian could see the value in "biblical" principles. Do not steal, do not murder, etc. We also have to remember the "attitude" on slavery. White men believed that God had nothing against slavery. Although, the doubt was already present with some. White men simply believed the African was below him. He had been taught this by his father and he would teach this to his son. Women were also inferior because that is just the way it was. We know that this is NOT the way God felt. We KNOW God created us all and we are all equal in his sight. We also know the horrendous events that transpired because of this "belief" among early Americans. I don't excuse slavery. To lord over another human being is evil. But to say that our country was not founded on Biblical principles is not true. We cannot blame John Adams for abortion laws of today. Get real people! There wouldn't be so many amendments to the constitution if the men who wrote it were without sin or sinful attitudes. Our country grows and it changes. The Constitution is a foundation. I admire the rebellious people who stood up to King George! These men were not perfect. Some made HUGE mistakes. But why would I expect them to be perfect. Only Jesus was without sin. Jesus is set apart. I am an American. I am proud to live here and (most of the time) there is no where else I would rather be. I will not be here forever. Someday I will die and go to my real home. I do not worship or have a worship attitude when I sing "America the Beautiful". I know that the pledge of allegiance was originally propaganda meant to drill "allegiance" into the children of a new nation. If I keep an attitude of Heaven as my HOME this does not bother me. There is history all around me. To forget the past condemns us to repeat it's mistakes. We ALL know that all too well. I remember the times my mother beat me, spat on me, or said she hated me...I remember them clear as day. Do they spark me into hate, sometimes. Do they make me mad, sometimes. Do they keep me in sadness, NO! I see how far I have come. I see the future when I watch my daughter walk down the isle knowing I did the very best I could and she is a whole woman! I get courage from the past. I face my daily healing and my future with bravery. I fail. I fail BIG TIME! But the war will be won. Every battle gives me strength and wisdom for the next. I am in rebellion too. I rebel against the cycle of abuse for generations past. I rebel against beating and hating my own children as I was taught to do. I rebel against my mother and have lost because of it. Rebellion is not beautiful...often painful and bloody but I will not give up. Founding fathers, however flawed, had a GREAT idea! Happy 4th of July everyone. See you around our this land till we all go HOME!!!
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