The sweetest boy!

I know that I usual focus on my Maddie because she is a girl...and I am a girl, but I feel compelled to open my heart up with my little boy. I loved the first time someone couldn't remember my name and said "You are Eli's mom!". It set off little butterflies in my heart. I am Eli's mom! I was scared to death..seriously, when I was told I would be having a boy. What do I do with a boy? I read as many books as I could find and I was opened up to a world of love and a bond that could never be duplicated...being the mother of a little boy like Eli. It has not been your "normal" child raising with Eli. He has a speech delay and that has made numerous things more difficult than they would be otherwise. I am often around children his age and I get a deep ache in my heart. Other 3 year olds are talking about baby Jesus, and their friends, and telling their mother's that they love them. Eli can't or doesn't do those things. I felt like a heathen when I realized that Evan and I had not told Eli about baby Jesus. We realized that there are a lot of things we haven't taught Eli because we are unsure of how much he understands. I get very little feedback when I talk to him or read to him. He doesn't show a mental delay. We are beginning the process to get him into speech therapy. It breaks my heart into pieces to think he might have a struggle like this when he begins school. I search back over his life to find what I did wrong...did I cause this huge problem in his development?

Sometimes I sit back and just watch him. Trying not to let my mind be crowded in what he can't do. He has the most excitable and expressive face. His eyes brighten when he smiles. He laughs more than he cries...most days! I have been most blessed when I watch him with his sister. When she first came he wanted to hold her all the time. He would take the bottle from my hand and go and feed her. I would often here or see him walk over to where she was laying and he would say, "Hey girl"...that is her nickname now, because of the "name" he gave her. he loves babies and loves to kiss them on the head just like he had done with Madeline. When she could move around and touch his toys he became less affectionate...as to be expected. Every now and then I will catch him giving her her pacifier or getting a tissue to wipe her nose...even giving her a bite of his snack. I see a heart in my boy...a heart that I had prayed so hard. I pray that he is just like his daddy. I pray that he is more generous than the world would expect. I often feel a little hand around my arm and he will be looking up at me and all he'll want is a kiss. Perhaps my favorite task is the boo-boo kisser. He doesn't get hurt a lot...not for lack of falling, he has a hard head, but sometimes he will come up to me crying and I'll ask where his owie is, he will point, and I will lay a gentle kiss...and the tears dry up immediately. What a powerful message to my heart...I am his mommy.

I have often been intimidated when I hear or read of people thanking their mother's for their sacrifices and their hard work in raising them...just general deep love of mothers. I have even read books where people suffer a huge gap in their lives and in their personalities because they didn't have a mother. How can I ever live up to such expectations? How can I mean so much to these two people? I couldn't possibly ever mean that much to someone. What if I mess up? What if I am not the best? What if I can not teach them to be kind, loving, and fair? I am none of those things...how can I teach them? We went into Wal-mart on Saturday and passed the veterans collecting for Toys for Tots. Evan said that he would look for toys to donate. I agreed but was chastising myself because if it had been me alone with the children...I probably wouldn't have donated. I am not giving. I know I am living by the horrid example I was given but that is no longer an excuse...a fact...but the time has come to overcome. We found some toys and gave them to Eli to drop in the box. He wasn't sure what to do and wasn't too sure he wanted to give the box of cars away. I was hoping that that was the beginning of my son learning to be a giving man. To be so thankful for what he has that he would want others to "have" as well. I have learned that giving from feeling guilty is not selfless...it is selfish in a way. Wanting to give so that you don't have to feel bad just doesn't sit well in me. I want to teach myself and my children to give because of the joy we have in receiving. Giving so someone else can feel the joy of receiving is what I want to be their motivator. That is selfless. Isn't that why we buy and wrap up gifts for our kids or family? Not because it is expected but because we searched for something that we knew would excite them. The look on their faces is thanks enough...you have communicated your love this time in a gift.

Been a while

It has been like a month and a half since my last post...but you knew that already. I certainly get caught up in this season of holidays. My agenda reads like a road map! Needless to say that these 2 months have not been without incident. Both of my children have had birthdays!!! Eli turned 3 and Madeline turned one! I simply can't believe it!!

The holidays bring a small amount of bitterness or maybe a better word would be "longing". We always make plans to go here and there...but always with Evan's family. I long for things to be different. I wish my mother was the opposite of who she is now. I wish that my children had a safe "Quinn" family place to go to for holidays. I wish I could give them a bigger legacy instead of a one sided one. It simply isn't possible but the holidays still bring with them a certain, small loneliness. I am excited and grateful to have my children and my husband. We have our own special plans for Christmas and will celebrate as a little family. I guess it would just be nice to finally have my own family gatherings to look forward to. We have been blessed this month and our children have been and will be spoiled with love and even a few gifts. I hate that it always sounds like I am complaining or wanting more. Well, the truth is that I do want more. My in-laws were here recently. They stayed with Evan's sister an hour away. She had had a baby and Diane came to help. We made the trip several times to see them but they only made the trip to us once...for Madeline's birthday party. Diane did get sick but had only planned to come to be with us for less than a day and ended up canceling. When they were here, both of them were literally by the door ready to leave and go back to be with Evan's sister. It was bizarre, to say the least. I understand that it is different when your own daughter has a baby. I understand that your relationship with your daughter is just closer than your daughter-in-law...but that is what I am talking about. My mother will never look on my with "awe" at being pregnant. My children will never have the same kind of relationship with their grandma as I had with mine. Their grandmother is not affectionate and does not pursue them. She lives 16,000 miles away and does not pursue her grandchildren when she is 16 inches away. That breaks my heart. I wish she were different too. Evan's parents are my kids' only shot at grandparents and they are failing miserably. I am soooo tired of my kids missing out. They are most definatley loved but I want those bonds for them as well.

In the last 6 months my role in Evan's family has changed. Diane and I decided...well I suggested and never heard a reply, that we have a shift in the relationship. She was getting frustrated that my progress to healing was not...faster. I was frustrated and hurt by her seemingly cold feelings towards my pain. I told her that I would no longer be expressing my pain or my fear, or anything of the like. I would allow her to be our mother and our grandmother. Long story short, I started this blog and found a freedom I hadn't ever experienced. Those who read this are fellow survivors. People who understand deep loss and pain. I am not sure the new role I gave myself is a good one or a bad. I keep my real self away from all of them. Meaning the relationships are civil but they are surface. They are all about the kids and nothing more. It sounds bad but seems to keep everyone happy. Evan's sister even said to me that (since she and I had a small falling out in May) the families seem to be closer after "what happened". I had to laugh out loud when she wrote that to me in an email. She and I never spoke to each other about "what happened". I know that Diane filled her in on what happened between us...another reason to cut the heart stings I had attached to Diane. I simply stopped hoping or wanting someone to understand. I expect nothing from them. I give them nothing to gossip about. If they still decide to talk about me...may they realize how destructive that is before it is too late. I have wondered if everyone has to put on this sort of "face" or "mask" inside a family. It doesn't feel right but still seems to work. I got tired of that family making me feel like who I was was not good enough or wrong. Was I looking to receive something from Evan's family that they could not give? Was I being unfair? Was that as good as it would get? I don't feel like I am who I am with them but again...everyone is happy with the "new" me. It is a shame but life is a little more peaceful. I wish they loved me for what I have overcome but they will never know....that has to be enough for me.

I was even suggested that someone in the family did not like my choice for Madeline's birthday theme...Disney Princess. I have heard a common distaste for the color "pink" and all that it stereotypically means to a female. That is dangerous ground with me. Pink is a color....just like yellow, purple, or blue for crying out loud! Some would let themselves believe that a "girly-girl" with her ruffles and necklaces in pink is a sign of weakness. DANGER, DANGER, DANGER!!! Why would you ever tell your daughter that something she might like now or in the future is weak...or shameful? Women wear ruffles...women wear jewelry...women can wear pink!!! I will teach my daughter that she can be whatever kind of girl/woman that she wants. Why not? She is a girl, right? Is it not in her to be maternal? Is it not in her to pick up a doll and hug it instead of throw it to the ground and begin to wrestle with it like a boy? Boys and girls are different...plain and simple! She has plenty of time to decide what she will like and dislike. It is my job, and my pleasure to lay a foundation that she can be...whatever! My mother hated her own womanhood. She strives to be strong and independent. Femininity was a total loss on her and that was passed on to me. My Maddie will never struggle with knowing what a real woman looks like. It should be said that Maddie was dressed in a tutu and pink sneakers for her birthday party! A little of both worlds! A complete picture of the beauty that makes up my daughter. It has also been said that mothers should not let their daughters' live in a fairy tale. Letting them think that people fall in love at first sight and live happily ever after is destructive when they face reality. I think you all know how I feel about this one! People do fall in love at first sight...well, I loved my children before I ever laid eyes on them...but that is basically the same thing. My daughter will never believe that life is perfect with me for a mother. I mean that in a good way. I don't pretend. Evan and I have words and I am a load person. Why thrust my daughter into the "hard knocks" of life when she can still enjoy her childhood. Kids don't leave the house thinking life is like living inside of "Cinderella" unless you make them think that! I don't have all this figured out right now...I guess I don't really have to. My Maddie is a princess. She has a better life because her mother lets her be a child...a little girl dressed in pink frilly dresses until she tells me otherwise! Let it be!

"There is a sacredness in tears. They are not the mark of weakness, but of power. They speak more eloquently than ten thousand tongues. They are messengers of overwhelming grief...and unspeakable love." -Washington Irving ---This quote makes me think back to 3 and 1 year ago when my babies first drew breath. I have cried many tears in my life...until I could cry no more. My grief was, in fact, overwhelming. My pain no longer controls my life. The love I feel now can often not be measured in words. To be the mother of Eli and Madeline is my greatest...deepest joy.