You know, it is funny...all mu life I have seen (and even been annoyed by) people of faith. You know the people, the ones who can see and speak of God's love in the most violent and devastating tragedy...I always thought they were not real. Maybe if I touched them they would be a hologram...a person could not possibly be that insane to be able to forgo the pain and see the "Light".
Somehow, someway I became that insane...according to some of you who have spoken to me since my post about Eli possibly being autistic. When I spat out how I felt numb in the last blog...I was waiting on God. I was waiting for just something. The journey we have been on in the last year with Eli has made it next to impossible for me to believe I could control what happens to my son. I gave Eli back to God long ago. My son struggles in this life but is not alone. I came to this blog like I always do...I come here to spill out the depths so that I can fill it back up with the truth that follows. Jesus met me there. I saw why Eli's mother was beaten...I saw why I was abused and left to crawl on the path to healing. Hasn't this journey made me wiser than my years? Don't I have a lifetime of pain and the soothing needed from God above? I have not been where Eli is going...I don't know what his path will look like. I am honored to be given such a very special child...a child chosen to "suffer" but hopefully overcome. I wonder, God, did you mean for Eli to have a stronger mother...a wiser one...but I to have been given pain and hindrances I would never ask for. I have learned I can't change the past but can use my lessons for the future. I know everything happens for a reason...a Higher reason. Eli still cannot speak...maybe autism is to blame. A specific diagnosis, however devastating, would give Eli more specific help. Maybe this is the key to unlocking the Eli we know is there. God knows the way...if this is the valley we must walk through I will go. Let me carry my son until he can walk for himself...god carry me and let me be the mother...the strength my son needs to overcome and learn to praise you with every breath he breaths no matter what he faces. God make me the haven a boy like Eli will need to protect him or at least soothe him from the cruelty he might face...from the frustration and exhaustion his trials will bring him...always bringing the right words to teach Eli to thank you and not blame you. I am not alone...Eli is not alone, he walks hand in hand with his Father. You gave him to me, to bless me, and I give him back to You.
Eli's surgery is tomorrow at approx 7:30. We don't have any way to really verbally prepare him for what is to come. Thankfully this is a pretty simple surgery with only about a 4 day recovery. Thank you to all of you who have prayed and even donated money in our time of great need. We were able to make the payment to Eli's doctor because of your kindness. I hope you have already reaped the blessings you deserve from giving.
Wednesday, December 29, 2010
Wednesday, December 15, 2010
The "A" word...
The kids both had their yearly check-ups today. I scheduled them back to back so I could take them both in at the same time...NEVER AGAIN!! Maddie had to get her finger pricked and had a little trouble clotting from the stick. She was bleeding everywhere and Eli took advantage of my being distracted to take his turn on the elevator. Anyway, we went through the usual and short list of Eli's achievements. No surprise to anyone there...or so I thought. Eli's doctor asked if he and I had ever discussed more serious implications of Eli's condition...specifically his odd behaviors. I really thought he was leading into telling me he thought Eli had ADHD. I was ready for that...I thought he would suggest medication, etc. I was ready to refuse on principle and faith that we can handle Eli's behavior and outbursts. He didn't say a word about ADHD. He told me he was concerned Eli was showing signs of Autism Spectrum Disorder. I am sure my mouth dropped. We discussed it a little more and his doctor is referring us to a place in Atlanta that can do the official observation and make a diagnosis.
I am numb. It has been a long while since I have not been able to feel in a situation that should invoke a strong feeling. I expected ADHD...and I got Autism. This was supposed to be a routine visit and I get the shock of a lifetime...words a parent prays they never hear, "I think your son has Autism". God, when is enough enough. How much is one little boy supposed to handle? How much heartbreak is this mother and father going to be given? I feel so alone. I feel like God has forgotten about us. I don't know where to go or what to do. I just feel alone and forgotten. I feel that if I cried out to God all I would hear would be an echo. The sorrow and stress has rained down on our family today. Give me some peace...give me some hope...
I am numb. It has been a long while since I have not been able to feel in a situation that should invoke a strong feeling. I expected ADHD...and I got Autism. This was supposed to be a routine visit and I get the shock of a lifetime...words a parent prays they never hear, "I think your son has Autism". God, when is enough enough. How much is one little boy supposed to handle? How much heartbreak is this mother and father going to be given? I feel so alone. I feel like God has forgotten about us. I don't know where to go or what to do. I just feel alone and forgotten. I feel that if I cried out to God all I would hear would be an echo. The sorrow and stress has rained down on our family today. Give me some peace...give me some hope...
Weeping in worship
Been a while, I know. I decided to have a "handmade Christmas" this year. I grossly underestimated how many man hours such a task would require! My sewing machine has been working as hard as I have.
Some good things have been happening. I promised a friend I would make a gift for her to give a mutual friend about to have a little boy. I sat at my sewing machine making a little pair of baby shoes. I held this small project in my hands and I was overcome. I was overcome with joy...joy in having this ability to create. I was so thankful for the way my mind can work out and put together such a project. I was so grateful to God for giving me a talent. I know everyone is good at something but I seriously believed that applied to everyone else. I was set aside...undeserving of a talent or a gift. I was simply the leftovers. Like the fabric I throw away after a project...to small a piece to create a thing it is no good to anyone and would just take up space or create a mess. I was the cast aside and I had accepted my fate. I should not inquire or ask for more from anyone. Yet there I was...the seamstress! I was so proud of myself and so thankful to God all in one instant. I even took a risk by putting my handmade goods online to sell. A few friends bought what I had made but that still gave me the confidence to say I was "good"...that I was good at something not everyone else can do. What an amazing feeling...to have the feeling of being touched and woven together with a specific set of qualifications!! I wept in worship.
Then...there came a hard blow. My sweet Eli will need another surgery. His infections has returned and his ears are filled with fluid. A simple surgery so he won't be phased much at all. The blow came when I was told we needed to pay his doc $150 and the hospital $500 before the day of the surgery, December 30th. The total cost for his surgery to us is $1,471. I think I lost a year of my life when the nurse told me this news. HOW? How can we pay this and still feed our children? Where will the initial $650 ever come from? To be able to incorporate my faith here would be very calming, but I am a worrier. I can remember my faith when problems seem smaller. I asked myself why do I freak out and feel alone and solely responsible when it comes to financial things like this. I didn't wait long for an answer. Growing up we were poor. My mom stressed about the bills and included me in on her worries. "If we don't get money from somewhere we are going to be on the street next month." Things like this would haunt me. To this day my biggest fear is being homeless. When we come up short I resort to trying to "fix" it. I scramble and panic...I run away from faith (which in my mind means doing nothing). I think I incorporate having so little money with being forgotten. My mother told us God wasn't taking care of us. God was punishing us, etc when there was no money. I feel that now. I feel like I am on my own. I feel like I am being punished for something. To have faith in this situation...what in the world does that look like? To believe God will pay this bill seems so absurd and irresponsible. I feel like I am on my own. I am scared. I am scared to live paycheck to paycheck. I am afraid I won't be able to feed my children. I am afraid others think I am bad because we struggle with money. I don't know how to have faith here. I want the calm and the peace faith would bring me now. I need to see a way...I need to know how God will take care of us. I need to know so that if His way isn't what I want I can complain and find another way. It sounds so ridiculous when I say that out loud but my fear drives me here. Eli needs this...that is all that keeps me from picking up the phone and cancelling the surgery. Love keeps me doing the right thing. God that is all that I have right now...I love my son and I move forward in giving him the best I can. Take care of him, take care of me. Please provide so we are never without a roof and beds to sleep in...
Some good things have been happening. I promised a friend I would make a gift for her to give a mutual friend about to have a little boy. I sat at my sewing machine making a little pair of baby shoes. I held this small project in my hands and I was overcome. I was overcome with joy...joy in having this ability to create. I was so thankful for the way my mind can work out and put together such a project. I was so grateful to God for giving me a talent. I know everyone is good at something but I seriously believed that applied to everyone else. I was set aside...undeserving of a talent or a gift. I was simply the leftovers. Like the fabric I throw away after a project...to small a piece to create a thing it is no good to anyone and would just take up space or create a mess. I was the cast aside and I had accepted my fate. I should not inquire or ask for more from anyone. Yet there I was...the seamstress! I was so proud of myself and so thankful to God all in one instant. I even took a risk by putting my handmade goods online to sell. A few friends bought what I had made but that still gave me the confidence to say I was "good"...that I was good at something not everyone else can do. What an amazing feeling...to have the feeling of being touched and woven together with a specific set of qualifications!! I wept in worship.
Then...there came a hard blow. My sweet Eli will need another surgery. His infections has returned and his ears are filled with fluid. A simple surgery so he won't be phased much at all. The blow came when I was told we needed to pay his doc $150 and the hospital $500 before the day of the surgery, December 30th. The total cost for his surgery to us is $1,471. I think I lost a year of my life when the nurse told me this news. HOW? How can we pay this and still feed our children? Where will the initial $650 ever come from? To be able to incorporate my faith here would be very calming, but I am a worrier. I can remember my faith when problems seem smaller. I asked myself why do I freak out and feel alone and solely responsible when it comes to financial things like this. I didn't wait long for an answer. Growing up we were poor. My mom stressed about the bills and included me in on her worries. "If we don't get money from somewhere we are going to be on the street next month." Things like this would haunt me. To this day my biggest fear is being homeless. When we come up short I resort to trying to "fix" it. I scramble and panic...I run away from faith (which in my mind means doing nothing). I think I incorporate having so little money with being forgotten. My mother told us God wasn't taking care of us. God was punishing us, etc when there was no money. I feel that now. I feel like I am on my own. I feel like I am being punished for something. To have faith in this situation...what in the world does that look like? To believe God will pay this bill seems so absurd and irresponsible. I feel like I am on my own. I am scared. I am scared to live paycheck to paycheck. I am afraid I won't be able to feed my children. I am afraid others think I am bad because we struggle with money. I don't know how to have faith here. I want the calm and the peace faith would bring me now. I need to see a way...I need to know how God will take care of us. I need to know so that if His way isn't what I want I can complain and find another way. It sounds so ridiculous when I say that out loud but my fear drives me here. Eli needs this...that is all that keeps me from picking up the phone and cancelling the surgery. Love keeps me doing the right thing. God that is all that I have right now...I love my son and I move forward in giving him the best I can. Take care of him, take care of me. Please provide so we are never without a roof and beds to sleep in...
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