My soul cried out

I have gotten used to tears.  For a long while I was unable to find tears but as I began my healing, and began to let go a little, tears found me.  I can remember taking a walk with Evan in the beginning.  We walked past a cow close by, it Mooed LOUD...it scared me and I cried.  It sounds odd, but for those of us who have severed our souls from feeling know any tears or feeling is a sign of life!!

We traveled to Canada this past weekend for the funeral of Evan's Grandma, Lena.  It was a surprise to be able to go.  We took Eli with us.  The Warden family loves to gather and share...any and everything they "feel".  We arrived Saturday afternoon and were gathered with the family by Saturday afternoon.  It was time for everyone to share their memories of Nana.  Not being a blood relative I didn't feel comfortable sharing in the "mourning".  It didn't feel like my place.  UNTIL, someone mentioned Lena's leaving a heritage and a legacy.  I looked up at great great Aunt Honor, the five great Aunts, two great Uncles, grandparents, and 16 second cousins to my babies...what a heritage!  This was it...this is the better life I wanted for my children...all because of Nana.  I could have been the only one in the room because I don't remember much else as I began to weep.  I cried out joy and peace.  I had finally come face to face with the reality of how far removed my children are from my past.  That room was busting at the seams with people in love with me and my children.  I was brought out of a pit...out of Jericho...and woven into family where love and acceptance run deep.  We laid Nana to rest and again the Pastor mentioned her legacy as he counted to children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren surrounding her graveside.  My body shook in sobs again in thankfulness for the Grace of God in giving me the best.  How unlikely was it that I would end up standing there...with the status of grand daughter (in-law)?  Who am I that I might take up space among Nana's children?  Who am I that God would give me and my children such a gift...such a heritage?  The past will not overshadow the future.  I thanked Nana as we said our final goodbyes.  As we drove off I looked back at the casket...sitting all by itself in the rain with no one around.  The mother in me felt wrong to be leaving her alone.  I thought I should stay until she was in the ground where she would rest but I remembered what Popop said as they lowered her a little ways, " She is not here, she is risen!!".  Even the night before at the viewing, Popop remembered something he had heard, "The shell is here but the nut has gone to heaven!" (Warden Humor).  Nana lives in a different place.  May she not be burdened by the weight of her crown in Glory!!  Will I live my life as well as she?  Will hundreds of people travel thousands of miles to say goodbye to me because I leave a wide heritage?  Heaven is not so far away!  Am I living as a Faithful Servant?  Will God say to me, "Well Done"?

See you soon, Nana!

Most of you know that Evan's grandmother passed away on Monday after a very short battle with pancreatic cancer.  Of course, when someone so close to you passes away your automatic response is to look back lovingly (hopefully) over the memories you have of them.  Evan has a lifetime of fondness when it comes to his Nana.  Most of those memories have to do with food...Nana could COOK!!  I am highly suspicious of her sugar cookie recipe...many of us have tried but failed to reproduce that taste Nana offered in her cookies.  I guess love is a real ingredient!  That reminds me of the first time I met Nana (which is also my favorite memory).  Even though they lived in Canada, Evan's grandparents traveled to Toccoa, GA for our wedding.  I had heard about Nana and her rather crass humor but we had never met.  She came through the procession line, leaned in to me and said, "I saw what you did (or something of the like)!!"  She was referring to "the Kiss".  I just laughed as all the rumors I had heard about Nana became truth to me.  There is even a picture taken of my face as she is whispering this to me.  My face is surprisingly has a "warm" reaction to this "welcome" into my new family.  I was thinking today about that moment and the love ingredient.  It never occurred to me to be embarrassed at the comment from my new Grandmother-in-law.  Here was a sweet woman who had been praying for me my entire life...as she prayed for the future wife of her (favorite ;-)) grandson.  To her, I was already family...already an acquaintance.  She had known me since before I was born.  She has spent 5 years in prayer over my own children.  I feel peace knowing her blood courses through them...diluting the bad blood they inevitably inherited from my mother and father.  It almost makes their lives look new everyday...freshly picked from what would be a minefield.  I also remember the weeks after I cut ties from my mother.  I was gravely afraid I was disobeying God by not honoring my mother.  I pleaded with Evan to let us write/call his grandparents and present my case.  If they told me I was honoring God than I would be at peace.  I could not yet trust God...but I could trust that Nana and Popop would not let harm come to me.  They, of course, gave me their blessing and ushered me into the beginnings of a search for more truth.

Only God and Nana know what she is doing right now.  So REAL is Heaven when you know for sure the one who has passed is now, at this moment, sitting (or running, skipping, etc.) at the feet of the Father she so patiently waited to see.  I think it fitting that Nana would go before all the rest of us.  She goes there to prepare a welcome for her many generations that will follow her.  All those "Heavenly" sugar cookies need time to cool;-)  So go now Nana and we will see you in a little while.

P.S.  I don't know why but I have a feeling Nana whispers in God's ear a prayer for my little Eli!!!