It felt so amazing to squeeze my children...even if Eli had to do a double take when he jumped in my arms. Maddie still waddles to daddy when she gets hurt. Hopefully that will change back soon.
I am so fond of the time I spent with my brothers and sisters. For the first time in 5 years...it has been too long. I really needed the time with Rebecca on Thursday. I got back to my hotel and cried a little. Five years separated us but couldn't break the spirit of sisterhood. I say this first hand. There we were talking about what caused us pain and laughing over mistakes we made or were making...GPS' aren't infallible either! At one point we were in a restroom and I was drying my hands. I heard a woman's voice say, "Well excuse me!!" and my sister apologize. I turned to see the back of a women who could have been my mothers taller sister. Rebecca and I looked at each other and mouthed simulataniously, "Looks like mom!" We walked out of the bathroom and Rebecca said through giggles, "We better run or she';; catch us and beat us!" We both cracked up. I reminded her of what Evan had told me to do years ago when I would face her in court and I was pregnant with Eli..."kick her in the knees and run!" Humorous because my mother has had numerous knee surgeries and the kick would leave her incapacitated! I was in awe of my sister all this time. Only 3 days out from her "break out" from my mother's home and she seemed to be as "healed" as I! Certainly not jealous but I was just in awe. My bitter side has always gotten in the way of my being a forgiving person. Here she was, not quite to forgiveness, but clearly not looking back towards the road she'd left behind. I wondered if that was because she is more "childlike" because of her mental handicaps. Is being a little more childlike allowing her to be so resiliant? I don't know. Rebecca always has had a spirit of beauty. She is going to be alright. She wasn't afriad to talk about the past and things my mother had said. She wanted to clear up the things that she said bothered her. My mother had told her that Evan, my husband, didn't like her. I told Rebecca that I was sorry my mother had told her that but it just wasn't true. Evan loved her...and for her to look at where I was right then. I was 800 miles from home. Evan was home with our 2 kids by himself so that I could come and help her. That is certainly love even if an unseen or unprecidented kind of love in her life. We ended the night with another story my mother had told. After I had called the agency to report my mother she came back with an accusation of her own. She told the kids she wasn't sure why I would call her abusive when there was one time when I slapped Caleb in the car to make him behave. I was floored! We called Caleb right then to ask him about this. I never remembered slapping any one of them and Caleb confirmed this with a laugh. "No, never" he replied and finished with another belly laugh. I guess making an accusation against me helped her digest what was going on for a few moments. She must have had some painful moments when thinking about my having children who she'd never meet. She told Rebecca that my kids will be "real brats". After my blood pressure returned to some kind of stable level and allowed me to speak in an appropriate tone, I asked her what she thought mom meant. Rebecca said she was talking about how I had reacted to my brother's birth. When my mother left us in the room alone, my brother would end up crying. I kind of laugh about it now knowing that the same thing happens when Eli is left with Madeline. My child is the sweetest boy who reacts normally to another baby crowding his mommy's lap. How lost she is when it comes to knowledge of her oldest daughter. I think of how much I miss my brother now, even after the terrible things he has done, I wish the greatest healing story in his life. It angers me a little that she could twist a natural sibling rivalry reaction of mine into making me feel evil inside my whole life. Yes, I have heard those stories before about when my brother came. I have been called terrible things. Every jealous reaction she ever witnessed on my behalf was the same thing...evil among us!
I have to admit, I had low expectations of my visit with Zechariah. He had been the one who had denied me the longest. He is the one who claims to be the closest to mom. I could never lie about my feelings towards her. I thought our visit might end badly. I walked up to a boy who was twice the size he had been the last time I saw him. He sounded like he had traded in his high, squeeky voice that couldn't pronounce its "R's" for a much deeper, stabler one. We sat and talked comfortably for about 3 hours. Most of the conversation was dedicated to my mother but even that didn't seem to phase either of us. He spoke of her stressful financial situation. She is about to file for a second bankruptcy after her home was forclosed on about 2 months ago. Half of what she earns goes towards the care the kids receive. The more she earns, the more they take. I told him that I wouldn't wish any of that on my worst enemy. We spoke about the money missing from Rebecca's bank account. She had made $15,210 over the past 2 years and only $348 remains. Naeemah has decided to force my mother to pay $100 in return bacuse she could not come up with a good answer as to where the rest of the money went. Zechariah is worred how she will make those payments. I just replied that she can't take $15,000 and get off scott-free. More and more trouble seem to be piled on top of her. I can feel sympathy for the stress but I cannot seem to believe she hasn't earned it with the life she has lead.
It turns out that she didn't call me back because of something her Pastor said. He said that she couldn't call because I had invaded her when I came to the house to pick up Rebecca. Something tells me that the truth or the whole truth has been lost each time the excuse has changed hands. I called her a second time and tried to explain why I had had to come to her house. I apologized for "invading" and told her those feelings were valid but sometimes situations like that arise and you just deal with it. If life was meant to be comfortable...ugh, how boring! Anyway, I told her the ball is in her court. Zecariah ended with a little confession. He had been listening to me talk about or Christmas' and a family reunion and mentioned that he was a little jealous. Natural, of course. I can't begin to imagine how lonely their holidays. I told him that around the holidays I get a little misty but it can't even compare to what they all go through. I told him that I don't know what will happen in the future. Right now any kind of reconciliation seems impossible but then I had thought he and I were lost to eachother forever and that it hadn't even been 5 years. I had to say that there is a lot that needs to happen. She needs to admit what she has done and get some help...real help! My children are off limits as well. I really don't know where the road in the Quinn family will lead. I am not going to be pressured or guilted into inculding my children in it...dysfunction may always be dysfunction and my children deserve the best chance!!
No comments:
Post a Comment