February 15th

Rebecca gave her 2 weeks notice today at work. What an woman of integrity...instead of leaving in secret she'd rather be and adult! They asked her for an actual date to take her off the schedule, so we decided together that Monday February 15 would work best. I will already be in town, probably by the 13th. The tax return was about $200 more than we expected...a small but useful blessing! I noticed that some airlines have Valentine's Day sales so I might not have to spend 14 hours on a train!!!!! My sister will be safe and on her way to an enormously beautiful healing!

I was reading in Job last night and was struck at the last chapter. God restored to Job new family but obviously not the loved ones he had lost. He would still love and miss the wife and children that had passed away. God's restoration came and Job was blessed but things were not made exactly like they had been before. I would never imagined when I was praying for God to restore my family that it would be only a few years. I also would never have dreamt that God would restore a different family from my own. I get to go and "rescue" my sister and send her off with another sister. It feels lonely now. I know my decision to shed light on the abuse in my home was right and it sent my siblings in all different directions. We may never all be together again. I think of the sacrifice I made...a sacrifice that gave them all new opportunity one way or another...now they go their separate ways. Will this be the feeling I get as Eli drives off to college? I am not in a mourning state of mind. I am proud to see them living lives headed for freedom...but selfishly I want them here with me. It can't be that way. I am happy too. Things are being restored and made right. The scars are there but are slowly fading as new life is brought to the surface. Who knows, by Christmas we could be sharing our tree with a few of the Quinn family...a dream of mine...another restoration! Two and a half weeks I have to prepare to take Rebecca and then let her go. God thank you for you love...and your restoration.

A vision of the end

I am telling you that I enjoyed roller coasters in my youth but as an adult they made me queasy...emotional roller coasters have the same sickening effect. One week ago today began a literal daily up and down. The last I left things, I was down...well I am up again! Becca called me this afternoon. My mother left her alone while she went to talk to her pastor (ugh!) and Becca was able to call me during that time. I was able to initiate a 3 way call between all the sisters! (First off, this call came minutes after finding out my biological brother was arrested and charged with DUI and hit and run in late September!) Some of the first words of of my mouth were to tell my sister how sorry I was that she had to be in this situation. Becca told us that mother had been telling her that she (Becca) is confused and not thinking clearly and doesn't know what she is talking about. She went on to tell Becca that if she went to live with her sister they would be "unequally yolked"! Um, talk about taking something out of context!! I let Becca know that was concerning marriage and Naeemah reminded her that "real" Christians are not supposed to judge! My mother had been trying to convince Becca to go live with a lady from their church. Becca showed no interest...just another way to be controlled! Becca told us about being grounded for not keeping her bed clean and being made to sleep on the floor. They were watching the show "Criminal Minds" and the show was a story of teens who played a choking game. Mother turned to Becca and told her if she ever decided to do that that my mother would choke her herself! Last night my mother slept in their living room by the front door so Rebecca couldn't leave...this only 3 hours after telling Naeemah that she would not stop Rebecca from leaving. Rebecca says she definitely want to "get out of here". She sees now that the other kids are never coming back and that she does not want to be 30 still living in that house. We told her how proud we were that she had chosen to tell the truth. Naeemah even said that she had learned something by Rebecca's honesty. I see now that it needed to be this way. I think now that everything is out in the open (well, she still doesn't know that I am directly involved...little surprise for her when that comes to light!!) Rebecca can process this and think through how she wants to proceed. We told her we'll so this however she wants it done. We learned that she is an adult now and deserves a big say in how this goes down!! I am proud of her like I have never been before.

Now it is a waiting game. We told her that if things get bad and she wants to leave before I can make it up there to go ahead and call Naeemah and she'll be there in 2 hours. Otherwise, I can be up there about Valentines Day and we can go about the plan we'd had from the beginning.

I am beginning to lose sight of why we are doing this. The more I hear the angrier I get at my mother and all that she has done and said. I want to go into this with a clear head and a clear heart. I want to do this for Rebecca and not "to" my mother. I am happy for the 2 1/2 weeks that I still have to wait until I can hop on the train and be reunited with my sister. God allow these two weeks to be a time to clear out some of the anger so that I can think and speak clearly. May all be done that is best for Rebecca.

Guess what came in the mail today...Evan's W2's. We'll head to the tax place tonight and have our return in about 2 weeks...hopefully less! Pray it comes in God's timing....oh, and that there is enough!!! Lol:) Thank you all for your persistent thoughts and prayers. I see an end in sight for the hold my mother has over my sister. May this begin a road of healing for Rebecca and possibly for mother.

A setback...

Around 9pm last night I got a call from Naeemah. She had just spoken to Rebecca. After my mother picked Rebecca up from work and she had gotten in the car, Rebecca felt sick to her stomach at the thought of going home again. SHE TOLD HER SHE WAS LEAVING!!! She told her everything! The problem comes after the confession. We had no plan in place for another 3 weeks. Naeemah was even able to speak to my mother who told her that she had never told Rebecca she couldn't visit or speak to her over the phone (LIE!!!). My mother said that she would not stop Rebecca from leaving (I can hear you all laughing out load now!). I tried calling her and, of course, no one picked up. Naeemah was able to talk to Rebecca a second time...and the snake showed her skin! All the sudden Rebecca wasn't sure she wanted to leave and that she needed to find the "christian" way to leave. Naeemah could hear my mother saying these things in the background. My mother had started a "prayer chain" when they had gotten home asking people to pray because Rebecca was thinking about leaving. What trash! We tried calling until about 11pm last night and no answer. Rebecca is home all day alone with my mother. She still is not or is not allowed to pick up the phone today.

I don't know what to think here. I don't think Rebecca thought this through. I am not sure what she thought would happen after she told my mother these things. I am trying to put myself in Rebecca's shoes. Does she feel better that there is no more sneaking? My mother knows she has been talking to both of her sisters...no chance of surprise there. Will this make my mother "play nice" for a little while? Probably not! I am just having trouble processing all of this. I believe that this is a crossroads in Rebecca's life. We all get these sort of "chances" in our lives. We are faced with two roads...one that leads to comfort which is continuing down the same path that we've been on...the path of survival where we can continue to live to make it to the end of the day...where are survival skills can be used daily or we can choose the other path. The other path is unknown and unfamiliar. The other path we will force ourselves to stare into the pain and the past and take responsibility for who we've become. The other path is rough and ragged but only because we can't see the end from the beginning. The end of a path is a whole heart, the love of friends and family...true love, healed wounds, laughter. The end of the path is a life and a longing for the eternal life we've been promised. We can't see these things when the path is thick with turmoil. My sister needs to trust before she can choose the right path.

I need to speak to my sister. I need to hear her voice to know where she is in this "process". I need to tell her that everything will be okay. I think she is afraid of God...but not in the good, loving way that God meant for her. Ladies, help me out with some scripture. I think telling my mother was the nest version of the "christian way" to leave...but of course, because it didn't have the end my mother desired, it has been perverted into sin of some kind. Help me out ladies, show me God, show me the next move to make. Show me the map you've laid out for my sister!

She's READY!!!

Rebecca told Naeemah today that she will leave with us when we come. I will write more details later (its dinner time here). Now I need some heavy prayer from you ladies. We were going to wait until our tax return came so we could pay for the trip. But that will be another 2-3 weeks! Pray that the Lord opens a door somewhere...that the money pours is and I can take the trip sooner. I need to be there to get my sister's things and tie up the loose ends that Naeemah can not. Pray ladies...pray like never before! Also, Evan needs to be able to take his vacation early...shouldn't be a problem but you never know. Pray, pray, pray!!!

A message...an opening?

I just sent this email message to my sister. It is so difficult to be able to communicate with her because of all the restrictions my mother has put on her. I was sitting at the computer and I was just staring into space wondering how we could reach her... How can I teach her what it means to trust me? She will need to trust me if she is ever going to leave. How can I teach her this without overwhelming her or making her feel manipulated. I made her an offer. I sent her this message:

"Becca, I am sure you know that you have been on my mind more than usual. These last few days. I couldn't help but realize that you might have a lot of
questions about where I have been these last 5 years. I was wondering if I could
send you a few messages just explaining things. It won't confuse you...it is
about me. You are my sister. Since Mikaila is so much younger, I feel closest to
you. I have been without you for what feels like decades...I don't know, I want
you to get to know me again. Would you mind?"

I am hoping that I can show her my journey...complete with fear and triumph. She may be (or will be) feeling the same things. Will that line the path to her trusting me? She might say yes...God, Open my mind to remember the details she needs to hear...say the things that will break her heart for herself!

Letting go

We have no word from Z yet. I have been in contact with a Pennsylvania detective to make sure none of us need to prepare for a legal hassle if Rebecca does decide to leave...we don't. Rebecca is 20 years old and free to leave if she chooses. Free...what a small word with a heavy meaning! Naeemah has received a lot of information in these last 2 days. What a blow, to say the least. I can't imagine the anger she must feel...different from my own. She is wants to see this all go to trial. She is still in the place where revenge is the only thing that will soothe her anger. It is a place in our hearts, when we love someone, that we need to pass through. I describe it best as a mother. If someone, anyone, were to harm my child...my first reaction would be to rip the perpetrator to shreds. How dare you have no respect for what I love most in this world? I feel the same about my siblings. The desire in my soul is to protect them. I have failed in the past. I didn't protect them when they needed me. I do it now! As Naeemah gets more and more involved and intertwined with all of this I realize something...I will have to give her my sister. If I rescue Rebecca...I will have to let her go again, to someone else. Letting go...like ripping off my own arm...it feels like! Letting her go...trusting that she will be safe...trusting in a God that I cannot see with my own eyes will watch over her with His. Letting her go...because I love her. Letting her go because that is what is best for her. Letting her go...so another sister can see her everyday and watch her grow away from her past...letting her go. It isn't the end but I have been there all this time. God let me mourn this now. Let me mourn that I am not the only sister now. Give Rebecca the best life. Give Rebecca the courage to walk away. Give Rebecca a taste of the joy a life in freedom will give her everyday. Give Rebecca to Naeemah. Restore that family with its last missing member. Restoration...I prayed for this but I never had in mind that you would restore it outside my family. God, you will take care of her. God, I know...God bring her out of the prison the is in now...I will let her go...because of my love for her.

Okay everyone...this is an update. As of now, my brother Caleb has a phone number for my other brother Z. The last piece of the puzzle, so to speak. Z has asked to talk to Caleb. We don't know the whole situation. This will be the first time we have spoken to him in almost 5 years. I am trying to contain myself here! I don't want to go ahead and push God's hand. There is a lot of healing to do and I don't always need to be the tool! This makes a trip to Pennsylvania for me...even closer to my heart! Pray that the money and other things falls into place the way only God can conduct things!!!

On my knees

I am not a big fan, or haven't been in the past, of facebook or any other technology that sends my information out into the great unknown. In the past week I have never been more thankful for the "information super highway". God has used facebook to restore things to me that I thought were lost for the better part of the rest of my life. My sister, Rebecca...

I have been talking to my brother Caleb who had found Rebecca on facebook. I decided one day to just try to reach out to her. I sent her a message, wishing her well and telling her how I have missed her. About 2 days later, I got a response. She said she had missed me and asked about my kids. She mention, briefly, that her life was hell. Thus began our whirlwind week. She confided in me that she used to cut herself and that most days she wishes she was not alive. My mother treats her like a child and she just wants a life for herself. I asked her if my mother still hit her and Rebecca became very defensive. She says they get into "tiffs" a lot but she doesn't raise a hand to her anymore. She mentioned that my mother was angry that "I put them in foster care" and that my mother would never forgive me. I have to admit, I lost my cool a little but I replied that I did not need forgiveness and that I had done the right thing. Rebecca replied that she was shaking mad at what has been going on in our family and that she didn't want to talk about it anymore. I was mad at myself for not remembering where she in in her life. She needs me and I don't need to be offended, even slightly, at what she says. I apologized and decided to just be there for my baby sister. I was thankful to God for what I could learn from my sister. I want to learn how to bring someone from a life of bondage to a life of freedom with my love and patience...so that I can show them God and He do the rest. I am ready to learn. The next morning I sent her a message about a memory we share together. I tried to keep it light hearted even when she mentioned my mother. I gave her pieces of the truth that I have learned in the past 5 years. I want to show her what this life can give her.

Today, my phone rang. I didn't recognize the number...but I answered just in case. The voice on the other end was like music...it was my baby sister. She was alone and had the chance to call me. We talked for about an hour. We caught up on some things. She is unhappy living with my mother but feels guilty for wanting to leave. She loves her, she says. I told her that when she is ready to leave to call me and I will find a place for her to go. Rebecca has a biological sister, Nieemah...a woman just as passionate about Rebecca as I. She told me of their last conversation. My mother had been lying to Nieemah about where Rebecca was during the years she was back in foster care. Nieemah showed up on my mother's doorstep 2 days after Rebecca had decided to go back home. She found out the truth that night. Sadly, Rebecca listened to my mother's manipulation and ended the relationship with her biological sister. She voiced regret over that in our conversation today. Rebecca said that if she ever wanted to leave that she had a place to go...to her sister's house!!! I had forgotten that this sister was still around. I found her husband on facebook (!!!) and wrote him asking if his wife would call me. She did and we talked for another hour. I had to fill her in on what had really happened. She was open and respectful. A good woman.

She and I both are at a loss as to where to go from here. Rebecca has a place to go but she needs to leave on her own. I had been making plans to take a train up to Pennsylvania to visit everyone at the end of March. Now, in my wildest dreams, it may (or I want it to) turn into a rescue mission. Is it possible, God, that Rebecca will be ready to leave and have her two sisters escort her? I am trying to control myself...but my heart is beating a mile a minute. Is it over soon? Will they all be safe...soon? I am on my knees praying for God to handle all this! I have seen Him weave this restoration so far....weave away God! Pray with me, won't you? Pray that the Quinn family sees a miracle. Pray that this will be the final act that sends my mother into healing...facing the truth and finding forgiveness! Pray, pray, pray!!!

Wouldn't change the path

I look over to the right of me and I see my two children. Right now, Maddie is switching between ripping apart a tissue and feeding herself "something" from a bowl in her "kitchen". Eli is reading his dinosaur book for the 1, 245th time! What a simple...but beautiful sight. My children, the reason I am what, where, and who I am now. I often wonder if other women are as emotionally sentimental. I bought Madeline a tea set for Christmas. When I pulled the box off the shelf, I held it in my hands and had a bit of a flash forward...of my baby girl all dressed in frills waiting for her daddy to join her for tea...of she and I enjoying many gallons of invisible tea and cookies...of memories I have before they ever take place. I often imagine Eli as a grown man, getting married. It thrills me to think of him, coming from me but with no signs of the dysfunction in his "ancestry"...being a husband and father just like his father. What a peaceful thought. Again, I ask you, do all women think this way?

For years before I read books about God and love, I sat in Christian college classrooms, I attended seminars and lectures about being a woman of God and love, etc...and I never got it, never. Most of those people said the same things. I thought it was beginning to be a conspiracy. People just spit out the same old speech or wrote the same repetitive sentence in order to get a pay check. The same old cliches wrapped in a prettier package than the last fad. It never hit me...it never sank in. Don't get me wrong. I usually cried right along with the other women. Of course I was crying for a completely different reason. I cried because all those fancy words bounced off my heart of stone and usually landed on the lady next to me who could raise her hands in praise to God. She could close her eyes and pray. She had compassion and happiness...two things that escaped me. I wanted to be whole and solid in whatever love did to these women. I wanted it woven in and out of every millimeter of my body and mind. It never happened. Thus lead to my thinking I must be the anti-Christ. You laugh, but I really believed that I was solid evil and full of darkness. Why else couldn't I get it? Why couldn't I absorb the feelings of love or whatever it was that other people felt for God?

I can listen to the same people and read the same books and what they say makes sense to the logical side of me...like it adds up like a mathematical addition problem...cause and effect! Of course when something is clear and just makes logical sense it is easier (for me anyway) to accept into truth and truth is easy on the heart! What brought me to the other side of love and understanding the eternal truth of love? Don't you wish it was that simple? As if one thing, one event can bring you across the bridge into forever being happy and at peace in this life! I wonder still, what was it? Let's review...was it Diane? Was it her sitting next to me in "therapy" because she genuinely cared? To know love exists and accept it I firmly believe it has to be displayed to you. Why else would God let us enter this world as babies? He gives us parents to be the examples of physical and emotional love and trust so that later we can make an informed decision whether we will give Him our hearts although we can't see Him. Those who are in love know that that feeling keeps your heart beating and will sustain you till you breath you last and then enter into the presence of God's face (awesome!!!!!). We need to remember that it is not God who makes our parents bad examples of love...they make those decisions. Diane was my example of parental love...love that survives the storm. She isn't perfect and I am not perfect and the relationship suffers at times but that is life. Life does not steal the love back. Life does not make truth of God false. Life can rock the boat but God will make you float (haha, I just made that up!)! I also think understanding the truth is the direct result of my digging deep into the past and into myself or what my childhood "taught" me. My mother lied to me...A LOT! She once said to me that all the law required her to do for me was feed me and clothe me. I always felt like a burden wherever I went. When I needed "love" or some sort of emotional attachment I felt like I was whining or being annoying. I NEEDED to feel significant to someone...anyone. Is this why the teen pregnancy rate is so high? Sex and babies...proof to yourself and others that someone spent time on you. Is this why people use drugs and or drink? Chemicals dull the pain of loneliness and alter your mood. Is this why some people commit suicide? I can remember contemplating suicide and thinking, "They will miss me when I am gone!". There are so many reasons people do these things. Not all pregnancies cast shadows on your future. I don't fully understand addictions, thank the Lord! It just seems that so many of the world's problems could be cured with love...WOW, the biggest cliche ever. But think about it. What does real love for someone do to you? Take my love for my husband. If something happened to Evan, my world would feel like it had no direction. I would hope to see everything stop so that every thing on this earth would stop and mourn with me. It would make sense if the sun never came up again. Why would I want to wake up if he weren't there to walk beside me? It is my love for him that wants nothing bad to happen to him...nothing painful. It is love that let's me put myself aside and do things for him. I don't do or say things that will crush him. My actions are not always perfect but love does not allow me to do or say things that would cripple him. When I hear of someone being killed in an accident or otherwise, I liken how I feel about my family and realize that there are people in pain! People who are in mental hospitals...the ones who talk "crazy"...what if they feel it? What if they believe the things they say, deep in their hearts, they believe it? Don't we say what we feel? What if something in their lives was too much to bear and now they hold on to one good memory? What if they are just so afraid? What if the homeless man's pain is so so so deep he can't get out of it? What if he felt like death was the only release he will ever feel? My grandmother was in a nursing home for the last 4 years of her life. She always wanted to die. She prayed for it. I never understood that until recently. She had a stroke and could not use the left side of her body. All in one afternoon she lost the ability to take herself to the bathroom among many other things I do without ever thinking I could lose the ability. Of course heaven would seem 1000x more appealing than being paralyzed and in constant pain! There was a woman that stayed down the hall from my grandmother who would roll her wheel chair down the halls of the building screaming "Operator, operator!" over and over. I never hear her say a different word. I was scared of her. She would wheel close to people in the hallways and yell her word at them. I use to hide from her until I could sneak past her. I wonder now, what happened to her? Was she reliving something in her past? Was it a tragedy? Why at the end of her life was this incident all she could think about? Was she still in pain? I guess you can call it "putting yourself in another person's shoes". Would that kind of compassion change the world?

All this said...when I look out into my living room I realize some big things. I would never be this person if I had deviated from this path even once. If I had not experienced the pain I could not experience the healing. I would not have the perspective of both "ways of thinking". I wouldn't give that up. What an amazing tool I have...one that will help me teach things to my children. It was a dark, painful, and lonely beginning but it gave me this life...right now. I cherish my children more than I would have otherwise. The cycle of my mother and her mother repeating the dysfunctional habits they were taught has been shattered...it is over.