You know how most of us can can say, "I am not who I once was."? I can safely say, "I am not who I was six months ago"!! I don't even know when I posted last. Life has been CA-RAZY, even at times sort of unbelievable. I am writing to you from my in-laws house. We have moved out of our house...but let me start from a few weeks ago.
Most of you will remember my post about losing my mixer and then the television, among other things. I was so puzzled by the "silence of God". Well, a few weeks ago, as we were putting the kids to bed, Evan flipped on the heater in their room. All of the sudden we heard loud pops and then a burning smell. That was IT!! We called an electrician friend to come and help us figure out what was wrong. So many things breaking was too much of a coincidence. He came...took a look at our OLD fuse box...and came to the conclusion that the house should never have been sold to us without the electrical system being brought up to date (not even up to the 1970's standards). Indeed an electrician had signed off on our house BUT he was a friend of the previous owner. My immediate suspicion was that that man had never set foot in the house but wrote the letter as a favor! I.WAS.LIVID!!! How dare someone disregard our safety is such a way. All the things that could have happened.... Humbling for sure. We moved next door that afternoon. The kids acted like it was a vacation!! I was so worried about Eli. Knowing he would not understand what was happening and why we couldn't go home. It took about a week for him to get up and get ready for school without a tantrum but we made it through. The only time he has asked to go home was to get a toy!! Madeline is just pleased to be along for the ride...love that!! A friend shared a thought with me that really rings in my head a lot..."if this had to happen, this is the best scenario (moving into a home Eli knows well)". PLUS, there is a dishwasher, lots of cupboard and counter space...all things missing on my house:-). We bring over what we need when we need it and have gotten into a routine that everyone likes.
Now, the future is even more unclear. We have had a second electrician come and he confirmed the house was "unsellable" when we bought it. We are going to have a third electrician come...just to make sure. Our next move is one that goes against our grain...as Christians and just as people trying to live honestly. We plan to sue the electrician who inspected the house originally. I have a letter he wrote and signed saying the electric was in "good working order and presented no hazard". This is clearly untrue. It is an expensive repair to rewire a home, about $2200-$2500. I am sure this man made this mistake unintentionally...but if something had happened...if our home had burned down and we had lost our lives...well, lets just say he could have been held accountable for something much much worse.
These trials of ours started back in September when our car broke down. Then a few weeks after that Evan was told his hours at work would be cut from 50 to 40. We lost 1/3 of our income (after taxes, 401k, and savings). I began looking for work and was unsuccessful. As we adjusted to the cut in income (we stopped saving money in savings account and 401k) we had to cut everything...I mean everything! There were weeks where all we ate was peanut butter and jelly or cereal! We had $50 or less to buy food and gas each week and Evan drives about 50 miles a day to work and back. It is 31 miles to take Eli to therapy each week and back. We went no where and spent no money. The kids birthdays and Christmas was "creative" to say the least. But, we never went without food. We never overdrew our checking account. The cars never ran out of gasoline (you can drive about 20 miles after the light comes on...hehehe). We stayed warm. The bills were paid on time. We had a great Christmas with family. We laughed, we cried (a lot)...but we made it. I know it sounds like the hard times are over. Well, they aren't nothing has changed. I still am unemployed and we are lucky if Evan gets more than 40 hours at work. But everything is lined up for us...even sales at the grocery stores have been exactly what we have needed. We were without Internet for a week..I made not sales online until THE DAY we had it transferred and turned back on. What we need comes right when we need it. I see God caring for me when the situation seems so unbelievably impossible to overcome. I don't know what will happen. I have feared the future several times over these weeks. But I know I can't do it...I can't pay for it...I can't fix it...I can't change this reality. I can choose to be mad...I can choose to worry until my stomach is turned in knots...I can choose to let the stress overtake me (and sometimes it creeps up in me)...or I can choose to let it go. You guys, I am not a loony, I still worry because I don't know what is going to happen and I LIKE to know what will happen. The element of surprise is wasted on me!!! But when my stress and worry begins to lead me into feeling overwhelmed and despair...I HAVE to shrug my shoulders and know...I can't change this...I CAN'T. God HAS to fix this in whatever way He has worked out...I just can't do it. And frankly, I don't want to have to figure this mess out. HAHAHA, God, just let me know when to move...again. I have seen God's care all throughout these last two months especially. It is woven in and out of each day. It was in the kindness of strangers blessing us with money, food, or work. I could have felt guilty (I did a little)...but God washed over me with a promise, that someday I will be called to do these things for another and that I will have the means to do so. Isn't that so so exciting?!?!?! Someday I can be a bridge for another to see God caring for them. SO, no, I am not the same person that harbored my body six months ago. I don't know if letting God care for me will ever be my first instinct...that I will not have to have a war in my head over choosing God or choosing control (what control??)...but I like choosing God this way. I like knowing I made a good choice. I like knowing my choice makes me easier for my husband and children to be around. It isn't always as easy as I made it sound here. This situation is totally unfair. I struggled so so so much with anger over watching my son struggle with this change. I am already angry at the time when we have to change things again when we move back home. He will struggle then too. But, who knows when that will happen (well I know Who, but He never tells me that stuff:-/). It is hard to feel settled in someone elses home but it is what it is...now excuse me as I go empty the dishwasher (yay!!!!!!).
