It is going to sound incredibly cliche when I say...I have no idea where to start to catch you all up. God's timing is an incredible and very accurate experience.
In dealing with our house (still living in Evan's parent's house) I have had a choice to be angry and worried or to realize I have no control. I can't say that I haven't worried over this monstrous problem. Worry can seep in when I am reminded how big this is and how much I can't fix. This is where I have a choice. Do I stay in the worry? Or, do I take in a DEEP breath and remember God has promised to take care of me. God PROMISED!! I have to live in the promise, I do, and I can tell you it is much more relaxing.
So, of course, living in my mother-in-law's home has forced the lines of communication open again. We've had to keep them updated on the latest news with our house, etc. I had closed the door on "all that". I had worked so hard to accept that a relationship with her would only go as far as talking about the kids and a lot of other small talk. She would never know me and never want to know me. Now, having to talk with her almost daily forced me to face the longing I still have for a mother. Ugh, facing my needs is so ugly to me. It made me feel so exposed an I HATE being unable to hide. I usually stuff those longings back down inside. I can run from them until the emptiness has faded. BUT...that only keeps me on the road of loneliness, sadness...emptiness, etc. As "protective" as those things are they do not lead to living the fullest life...and I want to live the fullest life. I have made another choice recently. I choose not to run from my emotions, even the ones that came with longing. In other words ,the ones who make me feel like I am being skinned alive from the inside out. So, I stayed in the longing and it was HORRIBLE people, just horrible. I wept. I wept a lot.
In wanting to find a way to soothe the longing and sadness I watched the "Passion of the Christ" over Easter weekend. I didn't really know where else to go. I needed a way to find some relief...something short of reaching down inside my body and rubbing salve on my heart...seriously!!! I have watched that movie several times. It is a great movie but it is just a movie. But this time it was different. From the first scene I was already seeing it in a new way. I watched "Jesus" struggling in the garden. I realized, as if for the first, time that Jesus struggled. He struggled and wrestled with His Father. Jesus begged God to let the "cup pass from Him". He didn't want to die. He didn't want to be beaten. He didn't want to be ridiculed. He didn't want to be spat on. He didn't want to be betrayed. He didn't want to be tortured...He had done nothing wrong. His spirit was willing to follow his Father...to His death but His body was "weak". He didn't want to endure what was to come. He had to make a choice. Did He love us enough to die a painful death? Did He love us enough to give up the power to walk away? Could He give up the power to break the chains they'd lock Him in? Could He give up the power to come down off the Cross to prove who He was? Did He love us enough to hang naked on a cross in unbearable pain and to suffocate to death? He could and He did. He chose us...each one of us. Love drove Him. Love drove Him to stand and be beaten for me. Love drove Him to bleed for me. Love drove Him to let a crown of thorns be pushed into His scalp for me. Love drove Him to drag a heavy cross for miles...after being tortured, for me. Love drove Him to lay down on the cross and allow them to drive nails into His hands and feet for me. Love drove Him not to fight back so that He could save me. He did these for all man kind and just for me all at the same time. If I had been the only one to ever be born into this world again, Jesus would have done all these things just for me...just to have me back...just to have me for eternity. My emptiness was filled. My longing for a mother and a father would always be with me. I was made to love...I was born for love and relationship. My parents should have loved me. They should have cherished me and delighted in me so that when I was told that Jesus loved me, cherished me, and delighted in me I would know what those things "felt" like. Isn't it genius how God sets that up?? How we are born to a mother and father who (should) model these things as best they can so that we are set up to let God wrap us in these things perfectly! So many of us never have parents who model God for us. How can we possibly understand God's love and affection without seeing it modeled? All things are possible with God. He will always find a way to redeem (as far as I understand) what was intended, what was lost...when we are ready and open to receive.
Always and perhaps when and where we least expect it...
Evan's mom and dad were planning a trip to the states for "ministry" last month when Diane asked me to do a few things to help with the scheduling. One day were typing back and forth in a chat room. The conversation, as always, turned to talking about the kids. I commented on how much I loved to see Eli attached to his Uncle (her son) so much and how sweet it is to hear Madeline tell me every 20 minutes how much she loves her grandma!! Diane said a few things about family and how she couldn't imagine the family with out me in it.
My heart panged with longing...
Stay with ME...
Oh, God...this hurts!
I mentioned how my current group study of "Wounded Heart" was really hard.
Oh God, why did I say that...I opened this up but she doesn't want me...my heart will break!!
Stay with me, my love!
Diane asked me if I wanted to share. I reminded her that she had told me she didn't want to discuss these "heart issues" with me. Thinking the conversation could stop there and I could run away from her and my longing!
Nope!!
She told me she had meant she didn't want to be responsible for giving advice and counseling to me from so far away but that she always wanted to know what I was learning and how I was growing. I told her I had taken her words to mean she didn't want my emotion...that she didn't want me. I told her that it had hurt me to think those things but that I knew I was a lot to handle. I told her how I had reworked our relationship in my head. She was grandmother to my children and mother to my husband and that was it. I was okay with me...I didn't have to admit my longing. I could stay safely inside my self. I was lonely but I was protected.
She apologized but I told her it was no ones fault...just a unfortunate miscommunication. Then she asked me something that shook my fortress...
"Can I come back?"
WHAT!!!!! (I reread the question several times half hoping I had read it wrong or that it would disappear.)What...no one wants to come back to me! No one wants me really...is she serious? This can't be for real. Maybe if I ignore this it will go away...GO AWAY!!!
STAY, MY LOVE...STAY!
I always have music playing. That day was no different. The song playing was "Come Away" by Jesus Culture. The instant her request popped up on my screen (and after my inner monologue stopped screaming "GO AWAY") I heard the words of the chorus, "Open up your heart and let Me in, open up your heart and let Me in, ..."
God? God it isn't safe! She doesn't want me! God...NO!! NO!! NO!!
Open up your heart and let ME in...STAY!!
Stay...stay...stay...
But God, NO!!!
Stay, my love...trust...peace!
....is this it, God? Is this really the way I should go? If I 'stay' will I find You? If I let her in will I find You?
Go, my love...go
But, GOD, I don't know how! I don't know what to do? I am afraid God! Please, let there be an easier way! Please God...this isn't safe!
Stay, 'MY' love...
Peace comes. I strip away the wall...my protection. I trust you, God. No turning back! I will give it all...I will!
I tell her I don't know what I am supposed to do. I don't know how to be someones daughter. She says, "Can we try and walk through it together?" I asked her if she was sure she wanted to do this. I have made up my mind, no turning back...she'd better be ready!!
I am not coming back to this beginning again. This is it! I will love...I will LOVE and I will be LOVED!! NO turning back...no turning back!!
She was sure...that I have been a "daughter" all along...that she loves me for who I am...that my changing or not changing is not a measure of the love she has for me...
Receive, my love, RECEIVE!!
I receive...I receive
What have I done? I have squandered this relationship! I have judged and I have misinterpreted this woman's affections for...years! I have taken everything and offered nothing in return. I have walked away and caused another person the same pain I am trying to recover from. I am guilty. I have abused. Oh God, I am...sorry. I mourn. I weep. I repent.
I am a daughter, now and forever. I am safe. I can rest. I give...and I receive. I need, I ask for what I need and I receive.
But God, what if I fail? What if she hurts me?
Stay...
No turning back...I am not afraid.
What an incredible ability it is to "receive". I mean seriously receive and embrace love unabashedly, unchained, and without second thought...as was always meant for me. I receive what God gives...what Diane gives...like a child soaking up her mother's praise. I drink deep in God's promise that this exposure will lead me straight to Him. I STAY in obedience and in desperation to feel my God. I stay here to learn to be loved and to love in return...so that I know God's love and so I can love Him. So that I REALLY know and feel God LOVE ME!! I does not matter whose mother she is...she is mine too. I have a voice and a place and a love deeper than any parental love I have EVER known.
Thank you, God. Thank you!
