Not all like that...

I somehow how have missed the realization or just the chance to voice it...that not all parents are like mine. Sometimes far and in between there is a mother who lives to nurture her children. When she is away all she can think of is kissing the chubby cheeks of her most beautiful daughter. All she can think of is the next change she'll get to run after her active 3 year old boy until she collapses in exhaustion. Some mother's burst fill of love and life lessons. Some father's do dance with their little girls...even if the thought of holding that precious baby girl minutes after she cried her first breath scares him to death..."What if she breaks?". Some daddy's wrestle on the floor and are there when their children leap into the air...because daddy is always there. We don't always mirror the parents we were given. Sometimes we are better because we take the taste of love when we feel that first baby kick...we take the love and never look back. We grab love by whatever it gives us to hold onto and we run...we run through fear and rejection, joy and happiness.

This love leads to the natural desire for the ones around us to know...love and truth. I think of what my mother has missed out on. Way back 30 years ago...it began, or in her case continued. The birth of a daughter and looking back she is more proud of a "natural" birth. I am serious. My sister told me that when i had my son Eli my mother was convinced I would ask for drugs because I wasn't strong like her. How insignificant!!! Thirty years later...do I care or does it make any difference in our relationship the way I came into the world? It hurts me as a woman when someone judges me on such a personal choice...when in the end I had to give up my deep deep desire to give birth the old fashioned way when they told me Eli would not survive if i didn't agree to a C-section. I have never second guessed. What a shame that is one of the few "victories" she can claim in her life. What about the 6 children she "raised". What an amazing colidescope of personalities and abilities...and she missed it all. I am a teacher and a mother...my sister likes to write, my brother loves to cook...and there are three more with talents all different than the last...and she missed it. Almost all of us have survived a hell of our own...because of something deep inside...we have over come things that would make most adults crumble and she misses it all. Two AMAZING "grandchildren" who don't know she exists...wouldn't that be enought for her to "let it go"...nope, she is missing it all. I called her yesterday and offered a chance but she never called me back. I told her it was time to stop putting the kids in the middle. If she had something to say or ask me she needed to come to me. I told her I was reaching out and would she meet me even a quarter of the way...I knew she was angry inside but there is a way to feel happiness. I told her that I was not afraid of her and that she wasn't afraid of me, that I knew of. It was time to act as adults. I knew I would regret leaving here and not trying. I gave her a choice and she chose the way she always has...that isn't my problem. It can never be said that I didn't reach out...I will never have to lie to my children if they ask if I tried to make amends.