I often have times where I wish life were like a fairytale. I mean a serious fairytale. The princess is born the most beautiful little girl in all the land. Her mother is kind and her father is strong but wrapped around the heart of his little princess. He watches her grow and fights the pain of letting her go when the handsome prince comes and asks her to marry him. She (of course) makes an amazing bride with a killer sparkling gown. She is strong and confident like her mother and kind hearted like her father. She marries and has beautiful and perfect children. She never gets fat and wrinkles are reserved for the witch. Her husband adores her and her children seem to see a halo whenever they look at her. Other women in the land see her as something to become. Her humility and kindness keep her ego in check. She instructs her children in the lessons of love and good character, just like her mother did. She grows old gracefully and dies in her sleep.
I "wake" up to the sounds of my kids fighting or the television with a rush of guilt that overwhelms me because they know more about Elmo than any other subject! Life is no fairytale...it isn't even a sitcom. People get stretch marks, wrinkles corrupt the youth you can hardly remember...mommy's and daddy's don't always love their children and sometimes they don't even stay around. The "princess" is not always the center of her family always encouraging the right thing or what is honorable.
I always wonder how someone becomes one of those women...or better yet one of those moms. You know the ones. The moms that believe in their children when they want to become a rock star...an astronaut...or the first monkey to swim across the Atlantic. The moms who inspire their kids as if they and June Clever were directly related. Who's knowledge of wisdom and truth seems to be whispered in her ear directly from the lips of god...she always has the right answer. The moms who work 40+ hours a week and still manage to go to the gym, make dinner, and read to their kids...what space-time continuum have they plugged into??? The ones who's kids grow into loving human beings that feed the poor and give back to God. There is your fairytale!! How does a mother love her children just right and keep the extended family happy...how does she keep everything existing in harmony so that even she is content and at peace???
I know all of you are hitting your reply button right about now but let me continue.
First of all, a woman in a fairytale never seems to face a challenge. I can imagine her mind would be goo by the time she has raised her children after having everything handed to her her whole life. She would never struggle and she would never be wrong...sounds good some days but in the end she'd be a mindless and bored woman. She would not have many chances to call on God either.
Still, I wonder what my life would look like if I had been raised like a princess. I often see ad's with children dressed in bright clothes playing in fields of flowers. The sun is out and the weather is perfect. They are smiling and laughing. Mom and dad hold hands nearby. I guess that is what I envision when I picture a safe and loving childhood. Then there is me...I had a field too. I am surrounded by garbage, naked...and it is dark. I hardly notice I am missing my shoes as my face is expressionless. I am alone. I know it sounds like I have hit the bottom again...not so. I just get overwhelmed sometimes at having to learn how to be human because no one taught me how. This Sunday was father's day (you all knew this was coming, didn't you, lol!). It wasn't my worst one, so that was good. I can never seem to let a Father's Day go by without trying to picture my father's face. I can't seem to help it. I will always wonder I guess. My mother could always picture him when something I did or had resembled his...damn how I wished I could rip that picture from her brain!!! It seemed like she stole even his appearance from me. How can one day on the calender make me feel such bitterness and loss...loss as wide as North America. One day of remembrance can reduce me to a nothing again. I might as well be missing the right side of my body if I am expected to maneuver this world without instruction or a physical father. I go to bed and wake up the next day and life goes on. The loss is milder and even put off for another year. I fought back tears more than once Sunday...I just didn't feel like feeling like a fool spending time in this AGAIN!!!
That is not where my father's day ended. In response to my last blog, the lady who I affectionately call my "therapist" asked to meet with me. Oy, do I shutter when she asks me to "meet with her". I know there is something I have done that speaks my damage and there is a way (a way that is often more painful than just keeping going in my damage) to correct it. I know it is best to listen but it just seems easier not to. Long story short (because the details are not quite clear to me just yet...another book to read and study) it is actually unhealthy to keep Eli's grandparents out of what is going on in his life. I HATE WRITING THAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Eli will never get a chance to bond with his family and will at some point in his life feel that he is the reason he has no relationship with these people (followed by a gulp and guilty feelings). My reaction to what has been said about me/Eli is to react in anger and suspicion towards the family. (I AM STILL VERY ANGRY AND VERY SUSPICIOUS!!) Thinking I know what will happen or what will be said if we communicate Eli's issues is a bit ridiculous. Honestly it makes me feel out of control! I don't trust them! How can I offer up one of the people most precious to me....without knowing how to keep him safe?? I am scared. What if they judge me as harshly as I judge myself? What if they find out I am as bad a mom as I think I am? Will they keep comparing Eli to the other kids? What if they think our finally telling all of this excuses them from our reasons not to tell? Evan promised to speak up if anyone treats Eli as if her were retarded. Ugh, now I have to trust my husband!!
I also realized I had probably isolated Evan from his parents. I had asked him not to disclose some things which hurt their communication. Seems as if I have taken on the role of the evil witch in the fairytale. How does this happen? How do the decisions I make feel like the best and turn out to cause trouble? How can my heart be so warped from the truth?
PLUS, turns out I may have suffocated and killed my need for mothering when Diane chose Angie over me. Don't you just love a heaping helping of another problem on top of the huge plate of crap you have already served yourself??? BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! Boo to having to be in relationships! Boo to the possibility of getting hurt again! Boo to the chance I will be overlooked again! Boo to my mother (followed by a punch in the face and a kick to the knee) who should have done all the good mothering in the first place...may you and I never meet in a dark alley!!
Tuesday, June 22, 2010
Thursday, June 17, 2010
Deception and Humiliation
I was able to teach the fifth grade girls during VBS last week. It was a really great week with an age group that I enjoy. A few people asked me why I would volunteer to teach the fifth graders...I was just glad they weren't the second graders!
On the fourth day the girls and boys groups met for a relay game. The girls won by a landslide. We left the gym to walk around the building and wait in line to go inside for a snack. The boys group met up behind the girls. Their leader (a man) told them they should hold the door for the girls...the boys did so and then I saw and heard something that felt like the equivalent of shattering glass! The girls started putting the boys down and saying "Nah nah nah we won!" My mouth must have dropped and I told them to stop and we don't treat people like that! I wondered (but not for long) where they would be taught to react to respect by passing on humiliation. I know it takes a lot to motivate boys and girls of a certain age. For lack of better techniques we put boys against girls and drive them to "beat" the other. Whichever team wins is the better sex. YIKES!!! Then we expect boys to graciously hold open doors and girls to know how to receive such a gesture...HOW??? We set them up...we deceive them (even if we don't realize it) and then get "ashamed" or even impatient when they can't act t he way we'd want.
The next day in VBS we were listing ways we can honor God. In Philippians 4:4-9 we even find a sort of checklist on how to double check if what we are doing honors God. We came to "whatever is lovely" and I asked them what "lovely" meant. No one knew and I reminded them of what I had witnessed the day before. I told them that was not lovely! Lovely isn't putting on a new dress or pretty shoes...it isn't a good hair day or the right shade of eye shadow. Lovely was how they should have received the boys sign of respect. No law tells a man he should hold a door open. Men don't do that because they think women are weak. They do it simply because they respect women...they admire women. Their mothers are women...mother's who changed their dirty diapers, who held them when they cried (a man's most vulnerable state) and didn't bring him shame, men have many reasons to respect a woman. He admires the tenderness in her and wishes to bring it out as he holds the door for her or helps her with her heavy bags. Men don't always know how to be tender in an emotional way...they work with their hands (as God intended) and thus show tenderness, love, appreciation, etc with their hands or their actions. A women who sees this or understands this when a man holds the door for her feels appreciated and her head may swell with something similar to self esteem. She feels lovely and thanks him out of being lovely... I cannot pass by a man or boy of any age who holds a door for me...I want to thank him for seeing me as lovely. My Eli has even picked up on this from his daddy. He often holds the door open for Maddie and I and shuts it when we are out...he may just like to slam the door but we focus on the act, lol! I don't know if all this registered with fifth grade girls but you never know.
I read a very interesting article today. Jessica Stern interviews violent men/terrorists worldwide. Her fearlessness stems from a childhood rape when a man broke into her home and repeatedly raped she and her sister while the other watched. She says in the article that, "something got cut out of me...my capacity for pain and fear was removed". She says she remained "comfortably numb" which allowed her to confront dangerous men without feeling afraid. Her rapist ended up committing suicide after serving in prison for other rapes. She spoke with people who had known him, in her own search for closure, and learned of the possibility of her rapist having been sexually molested as a child. She states the belief that humiliation might play a role in a man/boy becoming a terrorist (we all know terrorist here can mean real terrorists and the men who sneak into young children's bedrooms at night). In her interviews the word "humiliation" comes up all the time. She reports that in Afghanistan there is something called "man loving day" every Thursday. On these days warlords rape boys and spend Friday in prayer that forgives them of these sins. Can you imagine the anger, the HUMILIATION suffered by those young boys. It is safe to assume these boys grow up to replace the men who rape them and the cycle continues meanwhile millions die as a result of terrorism. I was shocked and horrified. There is still the element of "choice" to terrorize another person or persons...but what a huge thing to overcome when it is part of your culture...unbelievable. Certainly answers many questions as to why this world is so messed up. Broken people outnumber the loving ones...and the cycle continues!!
On the fourth day the girls and boys groups met for a relay game. The girls won by a landslide. We left the gym to walk around the building and wait in line to go inside for a snack. The boys group met up behind the girls. Their leader (a man) told them they should hold the door for the girls...the boys did so and then I saw and heard something that felt like the equivalent of shattering glass! The girls started putting the boys down and saying "Nah nah nah we won!" My mouth must have dropped and I told them to stop and we don't treat people like that! I wondered (but not for long) where they would be taught to react to respect by passing on humiliation. I know it takes a lot to motivate boys and girls of a certain age. For lack of better techniques we put boys against girls and drive them to "beat" the other. Whichever team wins is the better sex. YIKES!!! Then we expect boys to graciously hold open doors and girls to know how to receive such a gesture...HOW??? We set them up...we deceive them (even if we don't realize it) and then get "ashamed" or even impatient when they can't act t he way we'd want.
The next day in VBS we were listing ways we can honor God. In Philippians 4:4-9 we even find a sort of checklist on how to double check if what we are doing honors God. We came to "whatever is lovely" and I asked them what "lovely" meant. No one knew and I reminded them of what I had witnessed the day before. I told them that was not lovely! Lovely isn't putting on a new dress or pretty shoes...it isn't a good hair day or the right shade of eye shadow. Lovely was how they should have received the boys sign of respect. No law tells a man he should hold a door open. Men don't do that because they think women are weak. They do it simply because they respect women...they admire women. Their mothers are women...mother's who changed their dirty diapers, who held them when they cried (a man's most vulnerable state) and didn't bring him shame, men have many reasons to respect a woman. He admires the tenderness in her and wishes to bring it out as he holds the door for her or helps her with her heavy bags. Men don't always know how to be tender in an emotional way...they work with their hands (as God intended) and thus show tenderness, love, appreciation, etc with their hands or their actions. A women who sees this or understands this when a man holds the door for her feels appreciated and her head may swell with something similar to self esteem. She feels lovely and thanks him out of being lovely... I cannot pass by a man or boy of any age who holds a door for me...I want to thank him for seeing me as lovely. My Eli has even picked up on this from his daddy. He often holds the door open for Maddie and I and shuts it when we are out...he may just like to slam the door but we focus on the act, lol! I don't know if all this registered with fifth grade girls but you never know.
I read a very interesting article today. Jessica Stern interviews violent men/terrorists worldwide. Her fearlessness stems from a childhood rape when a man broke into her home and repeatedly raped she and her sister while the other watched. She says in the article that, "something got cut out of me...my capacity for pain and fear was removed". She says she remained "comfortably numb" which allowed her to confront dangerous men without feeling afraid. Her rapist ended up committing suicide after serving in prison for other rapes. She spoke with people who had known him, in her own search for closure, and learned of the possibility of her rapist having been sexually molested as a child. She states the belief that humiliation might play a role in a man/boy becoming a terrorist (we all know terrorist here can mean real terrorists and the men who sneak into young children's bedrooms at night). In her interviews the word "humiliation" comes up all the time. She reports that in Afghanistan there is something called "man loving day" every Thursday. On these days warlords rape boys and spend Friday in prayer that forgives them of these sins. Can you imagine the anger, the HUMILIATION suffered by those young boys. It is safe to assume these boys grow up to replace the men who rape them and the cycle continues meanwhile millions die as a result of terrorism. I was shocked and horrified. There is still the element of "choice" to terrorize another person or persons...but what a huge thing to overcome when it is part of your culture...unbelievable. Certainly answers many questions as to why this world is so messed up. Broken people outnumber the loving ones...and the cycle continues!!
A long time...
Yikes, I thought the summer months would bring more time/chances to blog but that hasn't happened.
I realized that I hadn't updated you all on Eli and this journey we find ourselves on with him. After his ear tube surgery he was evaluated again by a special education teacher that I was referred to by one of the speech teachers in the school district. it took about 2 hours but this teacher and about 3 other assistants did numerous "tests' on Eli. For example, they asked him to stack blocks and jump up and down. They asked me pages and pages of questions for information all the way back to my labor and delivery of Eli! I went back a week later to hear the results of their findings. Eli is severely developmentally delayed and speech impaired due to hearing loss. Because of these things they were able to develop an IEP (Individualized Education Plan). What this is is a "list" of specific needs and adaptions Eli will need to be able to learn in a classroom and to catch up to other kids his age. They determined that Eli's communication skills are equivalent to an 18-24 month old. A child's communication skills are directly related to their emotional abilities and problem solving skills, etc. Not only was Eli underachieving in the area of communication but his delay has effected his ability to interact with his peers and "solve problems". He never had the chance to "learn" what things mean or what they do because he could not hear us communicating to him...well, actually, Eli has never hit the "Why mommy" and "What is that?" stage. Starting the end of August Eli will attend the special education preschool held in the Head Start building in town. He will have a regular or special ed teacher and also a speech therapist. He enjoyed being in the classroom during the two visits we made. I have no doubts he will adjust well. I fear the road ahead for him. I fear the long term effects of his hearing loss. I fear the struggle he will face to learn simple things. Thank the Lord Eli and I are separate people.
We all know the dangerous stigma attached to "special education" or "special needs" labels. I am REALLY struggling with this! We are yet again faced with the decision of how much information to tell Evan's family. In light of things that have happened in the last year there is a real trust issue...mostly from me. My fear is that people will lower the "bar of expectation" or even hope for Eli and his future. Evan is concerned that people in the family will begin to "talk down" to Eli after they are told he has "special needs". Evan wants to tell the family because of a recent conversation with Evan's mom and dad. Evan's dad started talking down to Eli as if he and Madeline were the same age. He'd ask, "Eli where is your nose?". Evan later asked me if I noticed that and if it bothered me. I really hadn't noticed. Eli is not a person who will sit and chatter with you (speech delay or not) like Madeline will. Eli is a touchy-feely kid and he wants to relate with you by playing on the floor with you or having you read him a book. Eli's grandparents see him once maybe twice a year so they don't know him in that way. I dismissed Evan's dad's ridiculous questions to Eli because Eli was ignoring him anyway. It bothered Evan though. He wanted to tell his father that he could talk to Eli like a normal kid. I reminded Evan that his father did not know the whole situation so we couldn't judge him too harshly. This sparked a 2 hour discussion on should we/shouldn't we tell them.
Again the trust issue comes up with me. I can handle or process the things the Warden's say or do to me. I know I can be unreasonable at times so I deal with it! I just don't know if I can "hold back" when it comes to things being said or done to my children. There was a suggestion last Christmas that Evan and I were not doing anything to help Eli along with his speech...this sparked a TOTAL pulling away by me! I just felt like "you get one chance and one chance only with guarding the hearts of my babies" and that was it...enter mama bear!! This was before we learned of Eli's hearing loss. I was SO thankful we had taken the road of silence concerning Eli. I had and still have a whole load of guilt over that. Mom's are just supposed to know when something is wrong...and I didn't catch it...I didn't save my baby. I was able to separate my guilt from what Eli needed from me at each interval of his journey...thank the Lord for that! My feeling guilty is mine...it is even moved into grieving in a way. All summed up it is a process. A small scale process in the shadow of other things in my life, but a learning and growing process just the same. I hope to come out on the other side a wiser, less self critical mom! I have learned that grieving in public is a painful mistake no matter what family you were born or married into. The ladies reading these words are my grieving party. A soft place to land and to be patched up. Women who can look at my grief with wisdom and know there are infinite paths to arrive at God's feet and receive His Truth in Love!! You also know this process takes TIME! When I say public grief is a mistake I am reminded of the lack of patience we find with people who can't seem to remember love or compassion when they see someone in pain. I don't always remember these things when I come face to face with someone still in the "shoes I used to wear". I think I know what they need because it worked for me...stop there!!!...just LOVE!!! Love lays the bricks in the path to healing!!
Anyway, Evan and I have not come to a mutual decision concerning Eli and whether we should tell family. I feel like I am throwing him in the deep end...by having to trust that he won't be hurt by words or action of people who aren't always sensitive. We don't know if this problem will have long term effects on Eli. If we tell them now aren't we obligated to continue to inform them on his progress...even when he fails? In me aggressive need for control I know that I will not be able to control what is said about Eli and even who hears. I feel like Eli will stick out like a sore thumb in a family where no one else has "special needs". Evan and I succeed in treating Eli equally at home...but will he find this thoughtfulness everywhere else? Will some people choose to ignore him because "he doesn't understand anyway"? Will Eli's parents be able to control their anger when they see him being treated like he was "stupid"????? What would you all do?
I realized that I hadn't updated you all on Eli and this journey we find ourselves on with him. After his ear tube surgery he was evaluated again by a special education teacher that I was referred to by one of the speech teachers in the school district. it took about 2 hours but this teacher and about 3 other assistants did numerous "tests' on Eli. For example, they asked him to stack blocks and jump up and down. They asked me pages and pages of questions for information all the way back to my labor and delivery of Eli! I went back a week later to hear the results of their findings. Eli is severely developmentally delayed and speech impaired due to hearing loss. Because of these things they were able to develop an IEP (Individualized Education Plan). What this is is a "list" of specific needs and adaptions Eli will need to be able to learn in a classroom and to catch up to other kids his age. They determined that Eli's communication skills are equivalent to an 18-24 month old. A child's communication skills are directly related to their emotional abilities and problem solving skills, etc. Not only was Eli underachieving in the area of communication but his delay has effected his ability to interact with his peers and "solve problems". He never had the chance to "learn" what things mean or what they do because he could not hear us communicating to him...well, actually, Eli has never hit the "Why mommy" and "What is that?" stage. Starting the end of August Eli will attend the special education preschool held in the Head Start building in town. He will have a regular or special ed teacher and also a speech therapist. He enjoyed being in the classroom during the two visits we made. I have no doubts he will adjust well. I fear the road ahead for him. I fear the long term effects of his hearing loss. I fear the struggle he will face to learn simple things. Thank the Lord Eli and I are separate people.
We all know the dangerous stigma attached to "special education" or "special needs" labels. I am REALLY struggling with this! We are yet again faced with the decision of how much information to tell Evan's family. In light of things that have happened in the last year there is a real trust issue...mostly from me. My fear is that people will lower the "bar of expectation" or even hope for Eli and his future. Evan is concerned that people in the family will begin to "talk down" to Eli after they are told he has "special needs". Evan wants to tell the family because of a recent conversation with Evan's mom and dad. Evan's dad started talking down to Eli as if he and Madeline were the same age. He'd ask, "Eli where is your nose?". Evan later asked me if I noticed that and if it bothered me. I really hadn't noticed. Eli is not a person who will sit and chatter with you (speech delay or not) like Madeline will. Eli is a touchy-feely kid and he wants to relate with you by playing on the floor with you or having you read him a book. Eli's grandparents see him once maybe twice a year so they don't know him in that way. I dismissed Evan's dad's ridiculous questions to Eli because Eli was ignoring him anyway. It bothered Evan though. He wanted to tell his father that he could talk to Eli like a normal kid. I reminded Evan that his father did not know the whole situation so we couldn't judge him too harshly. This sparked a 2 hour discussion on should we/shouldn't we tell them.
Again the trust issue comes up with me. I can handle or process the things the Warden's say or do to me. I know I can be unreasonable at times so I deal with it! I just don't know if I can "hold back" when it comes to things being said or done to my children. There was a suggestion last Christmas that Evan and I were not doing anything to help Eli along with his speech...this sparked a TOTAL pulling away by me! I just felt like "you get one chance and one chance only with guarding the hearts of my babies" and that was it...enter mama bear!! This was before we learned of Eli's hearing loss. I was SO thankful we had taken the road of silence concerning Eli. I had and still have a whole load of guilt over that. Mom's are just supposed to know when something is wrong...and I didn't catch it...I didn't save my baby. I was able to separate my guilt from what Eli needed from me at each interval of his journey...thank the Lord for that! My feeling guilty is mine...it is even moved into grieving in a way. All summed up it is a process. A small scale process in the shadow of other things in my life, but a learning and growing process just the same. I hope to come out on the other side a wiser, less self critical mom! I have learned that grieving in public is a painful mistake no matter what family you were born or married into. The ladies reading these words are my grieving party. A soft place to land and to be patched up. Women who can look at my grief with wisdom and know there are infinite paths to arrive at God's feet and receive His Truth in Love!! You also know this process takes TIME! When I say public grief is a mistake I am reminded of the lack of patience we find with people who can't seem to remember love or compassion when they see someone in pain. I don't always remember these things when I come face to face with someone still in the "shoes I used to wear". I think I know what they need because it worked for me...stop there!!!...just LOVE!!! Love lays the bricks in the path to healing!!
Anyway, Evan and I have not come to a mutual decision concerning Eli and whether we should tell family. I feel like I am throwing him in the deep end...by having to trust that he won't be hurt by words or action of people who aren't always sensitive. We don't know if this problem will have long term effects on Eli. If we tell them now aren't we obligated to continue to inform them on his progress...even when he fails? In me aggressive need for control I know that I will not be able to control what is said about Eli and even who hears. I feel like Eli will stick out like a sore thumb in a family where no one else has "special needs". Evan and I succeed in treating Eli equally at home...but will he find this thoughtfulness everywhere else? Will some people choose to ignore him because "he doesn't understand anyway"? Will Eli's parents be able to control their anger when they see him being treated like he was "stupid"????? What would you all do?
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