When I get stress out, I mean so stressed that I can't fall asleep even though I am exhausted, I can't see past myself. Stress is a part of life, always there...that is why I appreciate these "episodes"...after they are over.
The first time it happened, I wasn't even a mother yet, well in a way. I had just found out I was pregnant and we had had an ultrasound done to make sure I wouldn't miscarry again. There he was, my baby boy. I didn't know he was a boy yet. I was at home alone and all the sudden I had a thought, "What if Evan loves this baby more than he loves me?". All the sudden I felt insecure about my place. It literally lasted 45 seconds because I was able to remind myself of the man I had married <3!!>
This brings me to the second "episode". Much worse than the first. It came in the early morning of Father's Day 2009. Maddie had yet to sleep through the night. She slept next to me in the pack n' play. I was again exhausted. I knew what the day held. Praising Evan as a father which would lead me to face my own pain of abandonment (see, can't see past myself!). I laid in bed and looked down at my sleeping daughter. (Here comes the bad part.) I thought to myself...I could ruin her life. I could poison her mind with all the bad things about her father. Why should she have a daddy and I never did? Why should she be a daddy's girl and I never was? I could be so mean. It isn't fair. Why should their lives be so easy? Why should they be given everything I would kill for? I imagined Maddie being better than me, being the person I want to be and I was jealous...and it went on like that. It still brings me shame. How could I? It showed me a glimpse of what I could be. It showed me how consumed with selfishness my mother really was. She was a single mother and that is not something I could ever be and survive!! But I have to wonder...did she choose that role? With my brother and I, yes she did! You chose to have sex and get pregnant. If you don't want children don't have sex...or protect yourself! She chose the man she would have these relationships with. Why do women chose men who treat them badly? Why chose a man you can't trust? Teenagers too, why have sex with a boy if you have even one doubt. I don't want to get into all that right now. Anyway, she chose single parenthood. When my stepfather left she had 4 kids. I don't think she chose this...she must have thought it was forever. They adopted two children together. But if that wasn't stressful enough...SHE ADOPTED TWO MORE!! There is debate as to why...I believe it was for the money. They all had special needs and she got paid 4 times per month according to the severity of their disabilities. Whenever CYS got into our business she would immediately begin to tells us we would all be living on the streets if they took the kids away! If I let anger and bitterness consume me I would be just like her. I kind of got off track here. That episode showed me who my mother really was. She made choices to benefit herself. She did not live out of love. She was motivated by anger and bitterness. She treated her children with anger. Ever throw or hit something in anger? She took all that out on us. I can remember coming home from school...that was like walking into a dark alley not knowing who was behind the shadows. We never knew if she was raging or not. I always kept my school bag on as long as I could. For some reason I thought if I kept it on she wouldn't hit me. That just left my face and hair exposed for hitting and pulling. It was the ambivalence that was so unbearable. We never knew her mood so we had to prepare for them all. I had to prepare for a battle every day coming home from school. The weekends were the worst...no break! I slept with my body wedged between the wall and the side of my mattress. I figured if she came in to get me in the night she wouldn't be able to find me in the dark. she would hit the mattress the first time and that would wake me up and I would be ready for the second blow. I fell asleep most nights with that thought...preparing myself for a surprise attack. I took me most of college to be able to sleep on top of my mattress. I still get afraid of being beaten in my bed whenever I hear a sound at night. Having a glimpse of my mother's mind was a scary...very scary thing. I felt tense and angry. Can you imagine what that does to your body? Imagine being on your death bed and looking back at those wasted years. All those precious moments you ruined. I look at what my mother has lost. She has lost me but she has lost my son and my daughter. They don't even know she exists. She is not a part of them...a complete stranger. Everyday that goes by she misses. What an incredible loss. She can never get it back because of her own choices.
The next morning...it was all gone. All those evil thoughts were forgotten and they had no bearing on how I treated my children or their father that day...weird.
Last night was just the same. We haven't had hot water for a week and a half, I can't clean anything, etc. All the past weeks business got to me and I lay in between wake and sleep. I basically had the same thoughts I had had on the eve of Father's Day...but even now the details escape me. The feelings and the thoughts go as fast as they come. I never face an actual decision to ruin my children. The actual choice never comes to face. This is why I believe these are just glimpses into how far I have come...what I would be like had I not begun this journey. How miserable I would be. How beautiful...just beautiful my life is now!
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