Sober

I know some of you may not hear or enjoy Kelly Clarkson's music, but I have one particular song of her's in my top 30 favorites. It is clearly a song about an alcohlic going through the process of becoming "sober". I couldn't find a reliable meaning from Clarkson herself, so we are left to our own interpretation. I know that some of the groups I have gone through have used a curriculum adapted from the AA (Alcoholics Anonymous®) curriculum. That has always amazed me. Alcoholics are that for life...always fighting the demon, the addiction. They fight a battle everyday not to take a sip...not even one sip. Alcohol was the best, not because it tasted good but because it rushed into their bodies and washed away all the pain and all the memories. No matter how much you try...the very thing you were trying to escape is back the next morning...with a vengeance. Don't we feel like that most days? Fighting to keep to the right side of the "journey". If we give in...we fall hard. Survivors are some of the bravest people you will ever know. People who fight an unseen foe who would likely kill them from the inside out. People who face the pain from the past...who fight for the best they can be...who fight for those they love...those are brave people. That is courage that no one speaks about. You never get a medal or a commendation. You just get to wake up the next day and fight all over again. Surviving isn't all fight. You start to see with clear eyes. You see things that you might never have seen before. Me, I sit in the moment when I watch my husband play with our children. I wonder if I would have ever know before to take census of all the love that surrounded me. Would I have ever felt peace? No!

This song always reminds me of how I felt in my body at going to my first group "therapy". I really thought, "This could break my heart or save me." I was weighed down by pure terror. Some days I...I wondered if I could ever breathe again, the pain threatened to choke me. It all seemed so hopeless and I wanted it to be over. I wanted to skip all the stuff in the middle...I just wanted to be better. If I had done that I wouldn't have been able to "get it right". I had to come to terms with the truth that it is never really over. This road I will walk till I die. Sometimes that is a blessing and a curse. My journey gives me good perspective but exhausts me somedays when my mind can't get past the memories.

SOBER

And I don’t know

This could break my heart or save me

Nothing’s real

Until you let go completely

So here I go with all my thoughts I’ve been saving

So here I go with all my fears weighing on me

Three months and I’m still sober

Picked all my weeds but kept the flowers

And I don’t know

I could crash and burn but maybe

At the end of this road I might catch a glimpse of me

Three months and I’m still breathing

Been a long road since those hands I left my tears in but

I know It’s never really over, no

Wake up

Three months and I’m still standing here

Three months and I’m getting better yeah

Three months and I still am

Three months and it’s still harder now

Three months I’ve been living here without you now

Three months yeah, three months

Three months and I’m still breathing

Three months and I still remember it

Three months and I wake up

Three months and I’m still sober

Picked all my weeds but kept the flowers

I have to tell you what I did the other day. I am really excited! I bought Maddie and I some pink shoes! That is right, I bought myself some pink shoes...and it is going to be awesome and freeing. One more chunk of my childhood is mine again!!!

If you need help: http://www.aa.org/