To spank or not to spank...

I feel the need to unload but it has been an unreal week! For more info read my family blog http://evashwarden.blogspot.com/ (Lol, so I don't have to repeat myself).



To add to that unimaginable situation, Eli decided that this week was a good time to rip off his diaper and poop on his bed! I kid you not...he really did that! And in the midst of not having any hot water. I was so mad at him!! A small victory came out of that though. Well it was a rather large victory in the shadow of stress that literally felt heavy on my body! When I had walked into his bedroom and saw the pile of poop...I was shocked. He has never done anything like that before. We are getting ready to potty train here in a few weeks so I know that this is very precious time in preparing him to let go of diapers. (He violently refuses underwear!) I had a dialog in my head when I was staring at that pile of poo! I was so angry at him. I knew I had to let him know that what he did was wrong. If I spanked him I knew I would hurt him...I was that angry! He knows better! I was afraid that if I spanked him he would be that much more opposed to potty training. I think I wanted to spank him to relieve my own stress...NOT a good reason or a good idea! That leads to abuse. I decided to make him take a cold bath! A quiet punishment...and I had no choice! Turns out he loved the cold bath...little twirp! I made him go take his nap early. Mommy needed to be alone. I was proud of myself. During that whole episode I was focused on my son and not on what he had done to me! Accidents happen and children disobey...life! I had a choice to make. I could have spanked him but I would have been remorseful afterward. I was so completely shocked that I had actually taken a "timeout" to weigh the options. To spank or not to spank...what would be the outcome of what I chose? I felt a huge break-away from my mother. She beat us out of anger and often for no reason. I have a very vivid memory or one of the times she beat me. It was night time and everyone must have been in bed. I don't remember what set her off. We were at the food of the stairway. Somehow she pinned me down with my body laying "up" the stairs. She punched me over and over and over. I was laying on my stomach and staring at the wall. I remember everything going...white. Did I pass out? I don't think so, but I was close. I thought she was killing me. I was in 6th or 7th grade and probably close to 12 years old so my concept of death was very immature. In my mind I was going to die. I remember letting go...just letting go, ready to die. I was a child coming to the reality that my mother had control of every breath I breathed and she had the power to kill me or let me live. A very defeating realization!! I don't think my mother ever took the time to control herself and put her child's emotions before her own. She couldn't see past herself. I have many opportunities to blame my mother for all the things she has done. She made choices and they were bad choices. I'd go as far as to say irreparable choices. I know now, being a mother and staring those choices in the face, that my mother was not equipped to "mother" us. She wasn't mothered as a child and therefore cannot know how to do it. I was not "mothered" and I didn't know how to do it. The difference is that I CHOSE to seek out the knowledge. I chose love...I chose to forget the fear of discovering what "ailed me" and dove into the cesspool of my heart and my actions. When I found out I was having a boy I panicked. I had already been in counseling for 2 years. I knew I had a long road ahead of me. I knew I was starting from scratch when it came to taking care of another human being...being aware of their needs before my own. I don't mean the diapers or feedings. I mean the heart. I had no idea how to care for the emotions of another person. Sculpting a character! I mean, no parent is 100% prepared! I just felt like a had nothing..I was empty when it came to "mother knowledge". Anyone who knows me will tell you that I HATE being caught unprepared. I get interest in a new topic and I research it to death! I had a deep desire to know how boys "worked". I mean the emotional side. What really makes us different? How could I cater to a boy if I had no idea how we were different. I read every book I could! I wanted the best for my kids. I never felt like I was what was best for them but I had to try. I couldn't make the same mistakes! I chose love. I researched, I worried, I asked questions,...I tore myself apart to be ready for my baby...my sweet baby Eli! I chose love. What a gift I got in return...unmeasurable. I watch his life unfold in front of me. I fell in love...I mean IN LOVE when I heard his first cry of life. I have loved him long before he took his first breath...but, love at first sight takes your heart forever! My gift was that love. I tore away all those chains (well there were still some left...but you know what I mean!) and I was able to experience love. I mean the kind of love where you offer up your heart...it is out in the open, exposed, vulnerable. Why else would so many mothers obsess and worry about SIDS, germs, and diseases...they are in love with their kids! Any harm done to them leaves a small crack in that mother's heart. I held all my heart when I held my son.

I never knew how big my heart could get...until my Maddie came. I look at her...that light in her eyes. She sparkles and there is my heart. What joy I have! I often remind myself that if I were to die today...I have lived a whole life. I have "done" all I could have wanted. What a legacy I leave behind. A legacy of love and sacrifice...I reaped the most from it too...