My son is known to our family and friends as a pretty rowdy little boy. To put it simply, my Eli loves life! he loves being alive and is the epitome of "childlike" when he approaches something new. He runs in without hesitation. My husband and I are generally accommodating...unless he can find a way to hurt himself or he is hurting someone else, we let him "run". I had trouble with this at first. Letting him climb on things and explore at certain heights...scared me to death! All I could think about was the bad things that could happen. It is a maternal thing for sure. I was never more thankful for my husband when he continually told me that "all boys do it". In a way, I might be cutting into his personality if I keep him from having fun and discovering! Isn't that what we regret most as adults...our being hesitant and holding back in fear...fear that isn't always founded? "Live and Learn"...learn from mistakes. I'd rather him try and fail than never try at all. He does that with all things from food to playing!
We recently took a vacation to Myrtle Beach. It would be Eli's first time seeing the ocean. I knew my brave son would have no trouble enjoying himself in the water. The first day we were there we took the kids down to the beach. Maddie was a little scared, probably of the noise. I knew then she would be so much more...calm than her brother. Eli literally ran ahead of us into the ocean water. Never in his life had he seen or heard the ocean. At first sight he ran, unhindered, into the ocean. It made my heart ache a little. I watched him dance and squeal as the waves came at him. I watched my son...part of me having the time of his life. Unaware of people watching him and laughing. He was totally living in the moment! I wondered if I was ever allowed to just be a kid. Did my mother ever take joy and rest in watching me dance in the waves? Was I ever that carefree? Probably not. I cannot imagine me ever thinking only of myself to enjoy myself! My son is a child and I know that by name they act as such...but I think there is a lesson there. If you were to line up my life and Eli's life up side-by-side...what would you see? I picture Eli's life glowing somehow...overflowing with experiences and laughs. My life...or my childhood would be dark and even empty. I imagine one would hear an echo. I can picture a few memories hoarded in the corner...yet even those are dark. I was to afraid to share my loves...what excited me. I was afraid to share what I wanted because it would be a tool my mother could use against me, something she could hurt me with. In turn I never learned who I was, I never knew what I liked or disliked. I was enmeshed with my mother. A cruel example of a mother. I have this picture of my mother picking me up and breaking me into pieces and shoving those pieces into her pocket. Like she deliberately kept me separated from myself. In pieces I could never think for myself or grow up. I had to do what she wanted to get any piece of myself. She was lord and master...she was queen and all like revolved around her.
Even on vacation, I had a terrible time trying to enjoy myself without feeling guilty. I felt guilty that my life was good and that hers was bad...almost to the point of shame. I wished that things would have been different. I didn't wish for the woman my mother is now but who she might have been...for whom I might have been.
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