As my husband and I face the fact that we need a serious budget and we have decided to use Dave Ramsey's material I am faced with some hidden scars. Scars that I have let control our finances and my spending. We are certainly not living in poverty but are not well-to-do. We find ourselves somewhere on the far side of comfortable. As my husband has been pushing this whole budget stuff I have begun to realize the deep hole I have dug. I am one of those emotional spenders. Much like a person who eats their emotions...I am one who enjoys "retail therapy". In the 7 years now that I have had to face my past and cut my mother out, etc. I must have been filling the loss up with what was taken...mainly just things most people enjoy. "Take that you evil, greedy B**CH!". But to make up for "lost time" I went overboard!! My mother didn't spend money on me. If she did HAVE to she did it begrudgingly and poured out guilt all over what was purchased. To this day, when I purchase something for myself it has guilt woven into it. I wear it (or use it) with this guilt "defect" running through it because it is all that I deserve. It almost feels like a lie. "You think I look nice but you don't know the truth...I don't deserve to look nice or have nice things." In these 3 years or so we have been in our struggle with Eli I have been so angry that I cannot control what is happening to my son. How does a mommy out of control ease her child's pain? She buys him a toy after every doctors appointment...and there have been so many. I couldn't face the truth so I soothed both of us with a toy. I fought the invisable foe with my credit card and it felt good!!! "Take that you friggin autism, speech delay, severe developmental delay...or whatever you are!!!". I needed to see some joy on my son's face after his turmoil. That in itself isn't always so bad, I know, but there is just a point when it is literally too much. Now, I have to fess up and come clean about the mess I have made. I have to stand in front of my husband one more time and make a painful confession. That man deserves many mansions, I am telling you!!! As I prepare for a very pain filled confession I am reminded of the many times I have felt the weight of facing truth throughout this journey. Right now I feel that familiar weight in my chest as if this time it will kill me. This time it is too much. I remember standing outside the home where we had our group counseling sessions (Cindy's) and begging myself to just get back in the car and drive away. What waited in that house was sure pain...it was as if I were going to be stripped naked in a room full of people. It was as if the tears would sting and all the bruises from my mother would be felt all at the same time. But I always went back. Of course I drove away a few times...but I went back. I believed that the battle was the gateway to being rid of all that S**T!!! I was promised that this journey was the way. I was promised that there was a different Ashley on the other side of the dark swamp. It was the hardest time in my life. Facing the truth made the time being my mother's victim seem easy. Continuing to live as a victim even after she was long gone would have been easier than walking through the threshold of that house. The times I went were out of obedience...simply knowing that was the right thing to do. I didn't like it but it was better than feeling guilt over not going. It took so long but each time I went...each time I faced even small truth, I chipped away the crusty shell my mother, my father, and any other person had poured out over me. I "kicked it in the crotch", if you will. And here I am! This debt crap is certainly not the highest mountain I have ever climbed. If my husband can find forgiveness (and it may take some time), the sting of the truth will soon fade.
After my last post I got so many emails from you all. Ha ha, it is as if you all know that I obsessively check email to see your validation which always comes from my faithful! Anyway, I knew it would touch you as women because AS women we all seem to deal with the weight issue. Some of us it is a choice...some of us it was not so much. For some of us weight is our dark swamp...a journey through "fire" to clean up the mess someone else made for us. And in every swamp there are hidden dangers. As we tackle the surface the hidden dangers (the forgotten memories...the painful triggers) threaten us...to the very core. We feel the threats, the pain, the truth in our bones. To those of you in that very swamp...I love you. It isn't fair...but it still is... If only my soul could be as beautiful as yours. Your body is only temporary in this life...(or maybe not;-)) For you my heart is tender and my soul cries out for you as you tackle your swampy future. I don't care what that person looks like on the outside because on the inside she is healed...she is clean...she is redeemed!!! There IS a promise of a different you at the other end...take that to the bank. And as for those that have or will threaten your life...give them a good kick in the "you know what's". It will sting and you will cry, curse, etc. but it is now you and God...those other jerks are just dust. You know what threshold you need to walk through...sweetie, that is half the battle!!
I am so thankful for music, once again. I am refreshed whenever an artist can produce a song that can remind me of where I have come and make me thankful I am not there any longer. I was telling a friend a few weeks ago that I feel like there are two kinds of faith. Faith that some have breeded into them. Faith that is as much a part of them as their arms or legs. They think faith and cannot part from it...it is their firm foundation. There are those of us who have to break down the lies and build up a firm foundation often through some kind of recovery. Things in this life threaten us and we have a choice...we may not have Truth as our first reaction. We can fall back to the lies (easy) or we can choose (sometimes painfully) to "have faith" and remember what happened the last time we had to make such a choice. No faith is better than the other...no faith is rewarded more. Both carry us to an eternity with our Father. An eternity without being fatherless...oh, God, yes please!!! Anyway, I always sort of resented when people said that Jesus cried with me all those years. It kind of pissed me off to think of Jesus crying when I was being molested...um, INTERVENE!!!! As a parent I can understand a little more. There are things that happen to our children that cannot be helped. Sometimes it was our choice or even an other's choice and to intervene would make a mess. I wonder what makes God weep more...when we are being molested or knowing this is what will bring us to His arms eventually? Or which tears at Him more...love for the victim or love for the perpetrator? God loved my mother and still does. God loved my step father and still does. That is okay with me...today anyway;-) ...Oh, the song, right! I heard this song and it made me realize that thinking of Jesus crying isn't that He isn't intervening...love, true love, opens us to pain and joy...often at the same time. Maybe Jesus cries because he cannot send lightening bolts!!! Maybe Jesus cries about the day we will lay that very moment at His feet.
Weeps For You by Jonny Diaz
She's sitting in the pew on Sunday morning
Praying what the pastor says can change her broken life
And the rain outside has really started pouring
But the darkest clouds of all are the ones she feels inside
She looks up at Jesus carved in stained glass
And her heart feels as heavy as the sky
She wonders if he hears her desperate prayers
And is that rain or are those tears he's crying
Did you know that He weeps for you
Cause he knows what you're going through
Even when you feel lost and scared
He promises that he'll still be there
Did you know his heart breaks for you
and there is one thing that's always true
that in your worst of times you'll never cry alone
Did you know he weeps for you
He's sitting in the waiting room at St. Jude's
Holding his wife's hand and what little hope that's left
But when the doctor enters in his head is shaking
He says I am so sorry... but we tried our very best
Out of the corner of his eye he sees a painting
Of Jesus cradling a baby lamb
And he can see as he looks through his own tears
That the savior is now crying along with him
Did you know that He weeps for you
Cause he knows what you're going through
Even when you feel lost and scared
He promises that he'll still be there
Did you know his heart breaks for you
and there is one thing that's always true
that in your worst of times you'll never cry alone
Did you know he weeps for you
He never did promise that it would be easy
There are bumps in the road, no matter where you go
But he went before us..so we don't have to go alone
Did you know that He weeps for you
Cause he knows what you're going through
Even when you feel lost and scared
He promises that he'll still be there
Did you know his heart breaks for you
and there is one thing that's always true
that in your worst of times you'll never cry alone
Did you know he weeps for you
Tuesday, July 26, 2011
Monday, July 11, 2011
A good week
What an interesting week since I last wrote. Needless to say the last time you heard from me I was mad!!! I make no excuses now. I was angry and I was hurt that God would ask my son to walk such a bumpy road in his little life. Before I get into that, let me walk you through a few things I experienced this week.
There is a woman at my church that is going through the diagnostic process with her child. Things are much worse for her. Her child is a teenager...able to speak...you get the picture. Anyway, we have been chatting off and on. She emailed me following our diagnosis apologizing over and over for venting her pains to me. She hadn't done that to anyone but her husband. She was sorry for burdening me. I was confused for about 12 seconds. It hit me (much like a ton of bricks) that not everyone knows the support that I have known for almost 7 years now. Just because people go to church does not mean they experience love, compassion, love, grace, patience, LOVE, and more patience like those of us reading this now. I have poured it all out several times in front of women who picked me up and nursed my wounds. I have cried, cursed, and yelled over these 7 years and have NEVER once been turned away. I have not met ridicule from those inside my trust. I have confessed sins in front of more people than those sins hurt an found love and forgiveness...no condemnation. What peace I have found. God's intended church is not in a building with stained glass...it has been found in you all...my trust. I thank you for listening to me over these years as I struggled to let go of the past and as I continue to walk this bumpy road.
I emailed a few college friends who also have children with special needs. It seems having to trust that God loves us even when we don't feel it is a common occurrence among Christian parents of children with special needs. The pain we feel over our children leaves a gaping wound. After many of us wrestle with God we are able to know He loves us and that that won't always make sense everyday. On friend told me that when she is home with her children they are who they are. There are no such things as delays or mental retardation. She can just enjoy her children for who they are and how they were created. When she takes them out in public she is reminded of how much they can't do. Then she feels the pain and is sad. What a relief I found in her words. It is okay to be sad when I see the gap between Eli and other kids his age but what a blessing to be able to enjoy him at home just the way he is. Things will be hard and there will be more trials to face in his life but we always have home where we can rest together.
This weekend we visited my husband's grandparents and went to church with them. You all will find the beginning of this story ironic. The Sunday School teacher opened with a question about how we were disciplined as a child...HA!!! I just kept my mouth shut and listened to those around me joke about the times their parents disciplined. As the hour was coming to an end one of the women said something I thought you all would have wondered about as I do. She is married with two boys. She is about my age and had a good income. She said that about a year ago she began to realise that she had had a pretty safe life. She had heard several testimonies from people that had walked through horrendous things and God had become more real to them. She marveled at having a testimony that would change someones life. She then proceeded to pray that if God saw fit to give her "rain". He did! I don't know the entire story but she is having a hysterectomy this week (she is my age), she'd had to quit her job, and her husband had had to change jobs when they had to move. WOW! I was laughing inside. Who would have thought that someone would ask God for what I am handed on, what feels like, a regular basis. I don't really know how to feel about this but I guess I don't really have to feel anything. She got what she asked for and God is more real to her. I take what I am given and we move on. My husband and I were discussing this on the way home. We know there are people in our lives who have never "suffered" and how sometimes that can cause us to wonder why is it all dumped on us. Here in our early 30's we have experienced more than some of those we know twice our age. Of course we never truly know what another is going through. Anyway, I mentioned my recent rant to God after Eli's diagnosis. My husband chuckled a little. I reassured him that I have always known deep down that there was a purpose. I know that this has all been scripted and mapped out. I let him know that I hate the purpose now. I want to stomp on the purpose and grind it into dust. I want to undo the purpose until it's presence has been forgotten. BUT I know there is a purpose. I wondered if my husband was ashamed that I always react in anger at things like these. He laughed again and told me I am much like David in that I am hot-headed! WHAT? ME?! Ha ha! We both agreed that I am not afraid to let God (and anyone in a 10 mile radius) know how I feel about something. I cry when I am happy and something touches me deep and I will scream when something makes me mad. In a word I am "passionate". I know my healing over these 7 years has opened the flood gates of my emotions, once locked away deep, DEEP inside. I am very self conscious of these things. They often overtake me an I am overwhelmed and vulnerable. I saw this as a flaw of someone very new to expressing what I feel. Little did I know that my husband has come to treasure this in me. Let's just say I can put another check on the bucket list...I always wanted to be treasured for being "every woman". Besides, in the last few months I have been on a search to define who I really am. Am I outdoorsy(yes)...do I like to cook/bake (no)...am I hotheaded(yes!!)? I wondered how God really made me. Did He grant me a personality of being outspoken? Does God really do that to people(HAHAHA)? It was always a source of shame in my childhood. Being loud and getting attention was a constant source of ridicule. I carry that still. But, is it futile to fight against that? Am I that woman who will volunteer for anything even before I am told what I am supposed to do? I am afraid so! Thank you Lord for making me this way! As Madeline says, "I 'yike' it!!". My next adventure is to see if I was created to be "sporty" or "outdoorsy". Growing up I wanted to play every sport and be a track star! Being forced to be a second care-giver to my siblings meant I was not allowed to do many extra curricular activities. I didn't ask to join anyway. It was common knowledge that I was not good at anything. HA! I am about to kick that untruth in the @$%!!!! I begin within the next few weeks to work up to running a 5K. I don't have my heart set on a 5K but more on having energy to enjoy activities with my kids and looking and feeling better. A 5K would just be some super sweet icing on the cake. We'll see. I hope I can do this...I HATE to exercise!!!!
There is a woman at my church that is going through the diagnostic process with her child. Things are much worse for her. Her child is a teenager...able to speak...you get the picture. Anyway, we have been chatting off and on. She emailed me following our diagnosis apologizing over and over for venting her pains to me. She hadn't done that to anyone but her husband. She was sorry for burdening me. I was confused for about 12 seconds. It hit me (much like a ton of bricks) that not everyone knows the support that I have known for almost 7 years now. Just because people go to church does not mean they experience love, compassion, love, grace, patience, LOVE, and more patience like those of us reading this now. I have poured it all out several times in front of women who picked me up and nursed my wounds. I have cried, cursed, and yelled over these 7 years and have NEVER once been turned away. I have not met ridicule from those inside my trust. I have confessed sins in front of more people than those sins hurt an found love and forgiveness...no condemnation. What peace I have found. God's intended church is not in a building with stained glass...it has been found in you all...my trust. I thank you for listening to me over these years as I struggled to let go of the past and as I continue to walk this bumpy road.
I emailed a few college friends who also have children with special needs. It seems having to trust that God loves us even when we don't feel it is a common occurrence among Christian parents of children with special needs. The pain we feel over our children leaves a gaping wound. After many of us wrestle with God we are able to know He loves us and that that won't always make sense everyday. On friend told me that when she is home with her children they are who they are. There are no such things as delays or mental retardation. She can just enjoy her children for who they are and how they were created. When she takes them out in public she is reminded of how much they can't do. Then she feels the pain and is sad. What a relief I found in her words. It is okay to be sad when I see the gap between Eli and other kids his age but what a blessing to be able to enjoy him at home just the way he is. Things will be hard and there will be more trials to face in his life but we always have home where we can rest together.
This weekend we visited my husband's grandparents and went to church with them. You all will find the beginning of this story ironic. The Sunday School teacher opened with a question about how we were disciplined as a child...HA!!! I just kept my mouth shut and listened to those around me joke about the times their parents disciplined. As the hour was coming to an end one of the women said something I thought you all would have wondered about as I do. She is married with two boys. She is about my age and had a good income. She said that about a year ago she began to realise that she had had a pretty safe life. She had heard several testimonies from people that had walked through horrendous things and God had become more real to them. She marveled at having a testimony that would change someones life. She then proceeded to pray that if God saw fit to give her "rain". He did! I don't know the entire story but she is having a hysterectomy this week (she is my age), she'd had to quit her job, and her husband had had to change jobs when they had to move. WOW! I was laughing inside. Who would have thought that someone would ask God for what I am handed on, what feels like, a regular basis. I don't really know how to feel about this but I guess I don't really have to feel anything. She got what she asked for and God is more real to her. I take what I am given and we move on. My husband and I were discussing this on the way home. We know there are people in our lives who have never "suffered" and how sometimes that can cause us to wonder why is it all dumped on us. Here in our early 30's we have experienced more than some of those we know twice our age. Of course we never truly know what another is going through. Anyway, I mentioned my recent rant to God after Eli's diagnosis. My husband chuckled a little. I reassured him that I have always known deep down that there was a purpose. I know that this has all been scripted and mapped out. I let him know that I hate the purpose now. I want to stomp on the purpose and grind it into dust. I want to undo the purpose until it's presence has been forgotten. BUT I know there is a purpose. I wondered if my husband was ashamed that I always react in anger at things like these. He laughed again and told me I am much like David in that I am hot-headed! WHAT? ME?! Ha ha! We both agreed that I am not afraid to let God (and anyone in a 10 mile radius) know how I feel about something. I cry when I am happy and something touches me deep and I will scream when something makes me mad. In a word I am "passionate". I know my healing over these 7 years has opened the flood gates of my emotions, once locked away deep, DEEP inside. I am very self conscious of these things. They often overtake me an I am overwhelmed and vulnerable. I saw this as a flaw of someone very new to expressing what I feel. Little did I know that my husband has come to treasure this in me. Let's just say I can put another check on the bucket list...I always wanted to be treasured for being "every woman". Besides, in the last few months I have been on a search to define who I really am. Am I outdoorsy(yes)...do I like to cook/bake (no)...am I hotheaded(yes!!)? I wondered how God really made me. Did He grant me a personality of being outspoken? Does God really do that to people(HAHAHA)? It was always a source of shame in my childhood. Being loud and getting attention was a constant source of ridicule. I carry that still. But, is it futile to fight against that? Am I that woman who will volunteer for anything even before I am told what I am supposed to do? I am afraid so! Thank you Lord for making me this way! As Madeline says, "I 'yike' it!!". My next adventure is to see if I was created to be "sporty" or "outdoorsy". Growing up I wanted to play every sport and be a track star! Being forced to be a second care-giver to my siblings meant I was not allowed to do many extra curricular activities. I didn't ask to join anyway. It was common knowledge that I was not good at anything. HA! I am about to kick that untruth in the @$%!!!! I begin within the next few weeks to work up to running a 5K. I don't have my heart set on a 5K but more on having energy to enjoy activities with my kids and looking and feeling better. A 5K would just be some super sweet icing on the cake. We'll see. I hope I can do this...I HATE to exercise!!!!
Friday, July 1, 2011
I was hoping my "writer's block" would have lifted by now but I just can't find that soothe that I usually get from pouring my words out.
Good news an bad news, Eli does not have autism. He has two of the three markers but they could not diagnose him autistic because his anti-social skills are not so severe. Instead, the results of the testing show Eli falls into the category of being mentally retarded. Right now they call it a severe developmental delay because he is only four. Our IQ isn't firmly established until we are age six. Unless Eli can catch up to his peers in 18 months his delay will become something permanent and he will be considered mentally retarded. This, as I am learning, is a very broad category ranging from profound to mild. Eli is/would be considered mildly mentally retarded. Why does that not make me feel better?
We all know what happens to kids in the "special" class in schools. Oh God, not my baby! WHY, WHY, WHY???? I am pissed! Only 2% of children even fall into this category...but still my baby stands among them! Why, why is my son made to suffer this? God, have I not suffered enough so that my children might be looked over? Why this...why pile this pain on top of everything else I/we have been made to endure? How could you do this to Eli? How could you...a loving Father? I don't understand! How can I be expected to be so much for Eli? I am not good enough for this! I don't have what it takes to mother a special needs child! I can't do this...you can't do this to Eli! He deserves more and I don't know how to give him what he needs. I don't know what I am doing! How can I, who was never mothered have so much expected of me? How could you?! How is this love?? I can't fix Eli's brain and make it work better or faster...that is YOUR job!! I can't do this! If it is left up to me...what will happen to Eli?
I can hear you all correcting me out there! I know the truth in my head...I know it is not in my hands but I guess heartbreak wins out for this moment. It is all still fresh. I guess you could say the wound is still bleeding. Everyone is happy he doesn't have Autism and they tell me to have faith that he can catch up in 18 months. Right after I visualized slapping them in the face a few times I want to scream at them and tell them they are stupid!!! Right now, I need to be realistic. It isn't time to take the "hands off faith" approach! Right now Eli functions on a two year old level. Meaning all his accomplishments are the same as Madeline's. But not for long. Maddie begins to pass her brother as she continues to reach milestones. This is just the beginning of the pain in that area of their relationship...but one thing at a time. I don't feel wise in not preparing my heart and our future for the possibility that Eli will, in fact, be intellectually disabled. I guess it doesn't really matter how that sounds because I am the one preparing my child for the fight OF HIS LIFE! I am the one who will have to answer the questions from both my children when they ask me, "Why?".
I am angry...as you can tell. I still don't understand why God expects so much of young children. I don't understand why the pain continues to be piled on my family. I know that anger is a proper response to this news and I know that I will figure this out. I may never be someone who responds to these things with immediate praise to God but God loves me no less. I remember thinking a few months ago that my heart had been broken in all ways possible...that I might never have to know real pain again. HA!!! I have been mentoring another mom from our church who finds herself at the beginning of such a diagnosis for her daughter and I was actually afraid that I had lost touch with the pain I felt over "mourning" my child's losses. HA!!! I hope you can all hear me laughing over how ridiculous those thoughts seem to me now!!
Writers block...gone!
Good news an bad news, Eli does not have autism. He has two of the three markers but they could not diagnose him autistic because his anti-social skills are not so severe. Instead, the results of the testing show Eli falls into the category of being mentally retarded. Right now they call it a severe developmental delay because he is only four. Our IQ isn't firmly established until we are age six. Unless Eli can catch up to his peers in 18 months his delay will become something permanent and he will be considered mentally retarded. This, as I am learning, is a very broad category ranging from profound to mild. Eli is/would be considered mildly mentally retarded. Why does that not make me feel better?
We all know what happens to kids in the "special" class in schools. Oh God, not my baby! WHY, WHY, WHY???? I am pissed! Only 2% of children even fall into this category...but still my baby stands among them! Why, why is my son made to suffer this? God, have I not suffered enough so that my children might be looked over? Why this...why pile this pain on top of everything else I/we have been made to endure? How could you do this to Eli? How could you...a loving Father? I don't understand! How can I be expected to be so much for Eli? I am not good enough for this! I don't have what it takes to mother a special needs child! I can't do this...you can't do this to Eli! He deserves more and I don't know how to give him what he needs. I don't know what I am doing! How can I, who was never mothered have so much expected of me? How could you?! How is this love?? I can't fix Eli's brain and make it work better or faster...that is YOUR job!! I can't do this! If it is left up to me...what will happen to Eli?
I can hear you all correcting me out there! I know the truth in my head...I know it is not in my hands but I guess heartbreak wins out for this moment. It is all still fresh. I guess you could say the wound is still bleeding. Everyone is happy he doesn't have Autism and they tell me to have faith that he can catch up in 18 months. Right after I visualized slapping them in the face a few times I want to scream at them and tell them they are stupid!!! Right now, I need to be realistic. It isn't time to take the "hands off faith" approach! Right now Eli functions on a two year old level. Meaning all his accomplishments are the same as Madeline's. But not for long. Maddie begins to pass her brother as she continues to reach milestones. This is just the beginning of the pain in that area of their relationship...but one thing at a time. I don't feel wise in not preparing my heart and our future for the possibility that Eli will, in fact, be intellectually disabled. I guess it doesn't really matter how that sounds because I am the one preparing my child for the fight OF HIS LIFE! I am the one who will have to answer the questions from both my children when they ask me, "Why?".
I am angry...as you can tell. I still don't understand why God expects so much of young children. I don't understand why the pain continues to be piled on my family. I know that anger is a proper response to this news and I know that I will figure this out. I may never be someone who responds to these things with immediate praise to God but God loves me no less. I remember thinking a few months ago that my heart had been broken in all ways possible...that I might never have to know real pain again. HA!!! I have been mentoring another mom from our church who finds herself at the beginning of such a diagnosis for her daughter and I was actually afraid that I had lost touch with the pain I felt over "mourning" my child's losses. HA!!! I hope you can all hear me laughing over how ridiculous those thoughts seem to me now!!
Writers block...gone!
Friday, June 17, 2011
My soul cried out
I have gotten used to tears. For a long while I was unable to find tears but as I began my healing, and began to let go a little, tears found me. I can remember taking a walk with Evan in the beginning. We walked past a cow close by, it Mooed LOUD...it scared me and I cried. It sounds odd, but for those of us who have severed our souls from feeling know any tears or feeling is a sign of life!!
We traveled to Canada this past weekend for the funeral of Evan's Grandma, Lena. It was a surprise to be able to go. We took Eli with us. The Warden family loves to gather and share...any and everything they "feel". We arrived Saturday afternoon and were gathered with the family by Saturday afternoon. It was time for everyone to share their memories of Nana. Not being a blood relative I didn't feel comfortable sharing in the "mourning". It didn't feel like my place. UNTIL, someone mentioned Lena's leaving a heritage and a legacy. I looked up at great great Aunt Honor, the five great Aunts, two great Uncles, grandparents, and 16 second cousins to my babies...what a heritage! This was it...this is the better life I wanted for my children...all because of Nana. I could have been the only one in the room because I don't remember much else as I began to weep. I cried out joy and peace. I had finally come face to face with the reality of how far removed my children are from my past. That room was busting at the seams with people in love with me and my children. I was brought out of a pit...out of Jericho...and woven into family where love and acceptance run deep. We laid Nana to rest and again the Pastor mentioned her legacy as he counted to children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren surrounding her graveside. My body shook in sobs again in thankfulness for the Grace of God in giving me the best. How unlikely was it that I would end up standing there...with the status of grand daughter (in-law)? Who am I that I might take up space among Nana's children? Who am I that God would give me and my children such a gift...such a heritage? The past will not overshadow the future. I thanked Nana as we said our final goodbyes. As we drove off I looked back at the casket...sitting all by itself in the rain with no one around. The mother in me felt wrong to be leaving her alone. I thought I should stay until she was in the ground where she would rest but I remembered what Popop said as they lowered her a little ways, " She is not here, she is risen!!". Even the night before at the viewing, Popop remembered something he had heard, "The shell is here but the nut has gone to heaven!" (Warden Humor). Nana lives in a different place. May she not be burdened by the weight of her crown in Glory!! Will I live my life as well as she? Will hundreds of people travel thousands of miles to say goodbye to me because I leave a wide heritage? Heaven is not so far away! Am I living as a Faithful Servant? Will God say to me, "Well Done"?
We traveled to Canada this past weekend for the funeral of Evan's Grandma, Lena. It was a surprise to be able to go. We took Eli with us. The Warden family loves to gather and share...any and everything they "feel". We arrived Saturday afternoon and were gathered with the family by Saturday afternoon. It was time for everyone to share their memories of Nana. Not being a blood relative I didn't feel comfortable sharing in the "mourning". It didn't feel like my place. UNTIL, someone mentioned Lena's leaving a heritage and a legacy. I looked up at great great Aunt Honor, the five great Aunts, two great Uncles, grandparents, and 16 second cousins to my babies...what a heritage! This was it...this is the better life I wanted for my children...all because of Nana. I could have been the only one in the room because I don't remember much else as I began to weep. I cried out joy and peace. I had finally come face to face with the reality of how far removed my children are from my past. That room was busting at the seams with people in love with me and my children. I was brought out of a pit...out of Jericho...and woven into family where love and acceptance run deep. We laid Nana to rest and again the Pastor mentioned her legacy as he counted to children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren surrounding her graveside. My body shook in sobs again in thankfulness for the Grace of God in giving me the best. How unlikely was it that I would end up standing there...with the status of grand daughter (in-law)? Who am I that I might take up space among Nana's children? Who am I that God would give me and my children such a gift...such a heritage? The past will not overshadow the future. I thanked Nana as we said our final goodbyes. As we drove off I looked back at the casket...sitting all by itself in the rain with no one around. The mother in me felt wrong to be leaving her alone. I thought I should stay until she was in the ground where she would rest but I remembered what Popop said as they lowered her a little ways, " She is not here, she is risen!!". Even the night before at the viewing, Popop remembered something he had heard, "The shell is here but the nut has gone to heaven!" (Warden Humor). Nana lives in a different place. May she not be burdened by the weight of her crown in Glory!! Will I live my life as well as she? Will hundreds of people travel thousands of miles to say goodbye to me because I leave a wide heritage? Heaven is not so far away! Am I living as a Faithful Servant? Will God say to me, "Well Done"?
Thursday, June 9, 2011
See you soon, Nana!
Most of you know that Evan's grandmother passed away on Monday after a very short battle with pancreatic cancer. Of course, when someone so close to you passes away your automatic response is to look back lovingly (hopefully) over the memories you have of them. Evan has a lifetime of fondness when it comes to his Nana. Most of those memories have to do with food...Nana could COOK!! I am highly suspicious of her sugar cookie recipe...many of us have tried but failed to reproduce that taste Nana offered in her cookies. I guess love is a real ingredient! That reminds me of the first time I met Nana (which is also my favorite memory). Even though they lived in Canada, Evan's grandparents traveled to Toccoa, GA for our wedding. I had heard about Nana and her rather crass humor but we had never met. She came through the procession line, leaned in to me and said, "I saw what you did (or something of the like)!!" She was referring to "the Kiss". I just laughed as all the rumors I had heard about Nana became truth to me. There is even a picture taken of my face as she is whispering this to me. My face is surprisingly has a "warm" reaction to this "welcome" into my new family. I was thinking today about that moment and the love ingredient. It never occurred to me to be embarrassed at the comment from my new Grandmother-in-law. Here was a sweet woman who had been praying for me my entire life...as she prayed for the future wife of her (favorite ;-)) grandson. To her, I was already family...already an acquaintance. She had known me since before I was born. She has spent 5 years in prayer over my own children. I feel peace knowing her blood courses through them...diluting the bad blood they inevitably inherited from my mother and father. It almost makes their lives look new everyday...freshly picked from what would be a minefield. I also remember the weeks after I cut ties from my mother. I was gravely afraid I was disobeying God by not honoring my mother. I pleaded with Evan to let us write/call his grandparents and present my case. If they told me I was honoring God than I would be at peace. I could not yet trust God...but I could trust that Nana and Popop would not let harm come to me. They, of course, gave me their blessing and ushered me into the beginnings of a search for more truth.
Only God and Nana know what she is doing right now. So REAL is Heaven when you know for sure the one who has passed is now, at this moment, sitting (or running, skipping, etc.) at the feet of the Father she so patiently waited to see. I think it fitting that Nana would go before all the rest of us. She goes there to prepare a welcome for her many generations that will follow her. All those "Heavenly" sugar cookies need time to cool;-) So go now Nana and we will see you in a little while.
P.S. I don't know why but I have a feeling Nana whispers in God's ear a prayer for my little Eli!!!
Only God and Nana know what she is doing right now. So REAL is Heaven when you know for sure the one who has passed is now, at this moment, sitting (or running, skipping, etc.) at the feet of the Father she so patiently waited to see. I think it fitting that Nana would go before all the rest of us. She goes there to prepare a welcome for her many generations that will follow her. All those "Heavenly" sugar cookies need time to cool;-) So go now Nana and we will see you in a little while.
P.S. I don't know why but I have a feeling Nana whispers in God's ear a prayer for my little Eli!!!
Saturday, April 16, 2011
A hangover...
I don't even know how to begin. I tried writing an email to our friends and family but having to be somewhat guarded or just brief isn't what I need right now. Eli has Autism. We took him for testing and we were told he had too many "red flags" and would need further evaluation to see where he lands on the spectrum...or how severe the autism.
I was in a daze the rest of the day. It was hard to "feel" anything. I had suspected but there is something about a professional telling you this is what your son has in store for his future that can make you just...numb. I know God was there. I know He knew this long ago. I woke up the next morning feeling like I had a hangover. I was in shock and I couldn't seem to focus my mind in anything else. I just...I just don't want this for Eli or for our family. No one does, I understand that but the burden is so great. It makes life and parenting a little harder. It requires more patience and sacrifice...more, more, more. Do I have enough? I already feel like I have to borrow patience from my love...these don't come naturally to me, how will I ever have it when Eli needs it most? I know we will be okay, I know it! I wonder if this should have been given to a child with a sweeter mother...someone more mellow who doesn't get frustrated SO easily.
It is so hard to rejoice in this time. Eli is my blessing. I remember the first time I heard Eli after he was born, the first time I saw his face, and the first time I held him in my arms. Some days I feel like he never left the space in my arms that he occupied that early December morning. When he will let me hold him I often shift him to that same place. My baby boy...my first child...the first child my body sustained and nourished. We were forever connected physically...he was and is mine. I never wanted to let him go. I did give Eli back to God. I knew there would be things in his life that I would just not be able to handle or control. I thought those things would come in his teens but I guess I was wrong. I don't know why this happened. I don't know why God did not protect Eli from this as he developed in my womb. I am devastated. I don't like that I cannot take this away. I am weep at thinking Eli will struggle and may even suffer at the hands of people who don't understand him or his condition. I want to fight but the foe is invisible. No one can tough it or see it on an x-ray. It can't be operated on or removed. This is how it will be. I am so blessed though that this is not cancer...it isn't terminal. Eli will probably outlive me. This is no death sentence. I know all these things. We will make adjustments and help Eli in all the ways we possibly can. I guess now, I feel overwhelmed and unsure.
You can pray for me as I continue the severely stressful process of getting Eli put on Medicaid. The testing is extremely expensive. I began the process back in December and am STILL getting the runaround. It is all about to turn my hair gray!! I am a worrier and I HATE having to worry about something so superficial as money when I want to be focusing on how to help Eli.
I was in a daze the rest of the day. It was hard to "feel" anything. I had suspected but there is something about a professional telling you this is what your son has in store for his future that can make you just...numb. I know God was there. I know He knew this long ago. I woke up the next morning feeling like I had a hangover. I was in shock and I couldn't seem to focus my mind in anything else. I just...I just don't want this for Eli or for our family. No one does, I understand that but the burden is so great. It makes life and parenting a little harder. It requires more patience and sacrifice...more, more, more. Do I have enough? I already feel like I have to borrow patience from my love...these don't come naturally to me, how will I ever have it when Eli needs it most? I know we will be okay, I know it! I wonder if this should have been given to a child with a sweeter mother...someone more mellow who doesn't get frustrated SO easily.
It is so hard to rejoice in this time. Eli is my blessing. I remember the first time I heard Eli after he was born, the first time I saw his face, and the first time I held him in my arms. Some days I feel like he never left the space in my arms that he occupied that early December morning. When he will let me hold him I often shift him to that same place. My baby boy...my first child...the first child my body sustained and nourished. We were forever connected physically...he was and is mine. I never wanted to let him go. I did give Eli back to God. I knew there would be things in his life that I would just not be able to handle or control. I thought those things would come in his teens but I guess I was wrong. I don't know why this happened. I don't know why God did not protect Eli from this as he developed in my womb. I am devastated. I don't like that I cannot take this away. I am weep at thinking Eli will struggle and may even suffer at the hands of people who don't understand him or his condition. I want to fight but the foe is invisible. No one can tough it or see it on an x-ray. It can't be operated on or removed. This is how it will be. I am so blessed though that this is not cancer...it isn't terminal. Eli will probably outlive me. This is no death sentence. I know all these things. We will make adjustments and help Eli in all the ways we possibly can. I guess now, I feel overwhelmed and unsure.
You can pray for me as I continue the severely stressful process of getting Eli put on Medicaid. The testing is extremely expensive. I began the process back in December and am STILL getting the runaround. It is all about to turn my hair gray!! I am a worrier and I HATE having to worry about something so superficial as money when I want to be focusing on how to help Eli.
Tuesday, April 12, 2011
Today, mother, I HATE you!!
Today...well lets just say that I have not been this ashamed of myself for a long while! I was never taught how to handle stress, everyday life, in a good way. In other words, I was taught to take it out on other people. In the middle of days like today, I usually take the easier way out...to go back to what I know and not fight past it and be better than my mother. I go back to selfishness and believe the lie that it is all about me. I give in to thinking it is all being done TO me when it is really just life. Granted it is life happening ALL at once but still, nothing that is permanent. I rage all day, yell and scream...over-react...rant and rave and then end the day feeling like a huge ugly monster!! I sit here, thinking about my sleeping children down the hall and I just feel so very far away. I can't possibly be good for them. My body does not seem to be able to contain patience and calmness. I am quick to over react and become angry, something that is sure to pass to them. I can't seem to find a way to calm down or release my frustration in a way safe for all that come in contact with me. It isn't all about me. Thankfully they are still young enough not to remember mommy's temper tantrum from 5 min ago...but that will end too soon. I need to find a better way! Frustrations will come, but how can i seperate that from the way I behave?
Tomorrow we head to the Marcus Autism Center. With all the things going on these past few weeks, I really haven't had time to think about it. Knowing that this is just an introduction and an evaluation there is really no use in worrying about it. This is just the beginning. But that wounded heart of mine likes to pop up when I have a good handle on somthing I would usually freak out about. All the "what if's" like to echo in my mind. What if this is the calm before the storm? What if we get "bad news" tomorrow...we can never unhear that bad news! What if this is the last night before the rest of our lives are linked with Autism? What if this is REALLY what is in store for Eli? What if I am not a strong enough mother to help him through this? What if I fail him? Again, it is only a beginning. No diagnostic facility would give such a diagnosis after one session. But, what if...
Right now, I can tell you that I don't want this! I don't want to fight so hard just to feel human...to feel good enough. I don't want to be the one who was so abused. I don't want to have to learn to calm down and not over react. I want that to have been taught to me 30 years ago...the easy way. Today, mother, I hate you!! If you were to stand in front of me you wouldn't be on your feet very long. I hate you for what you have done to me. I hate you because I have to fix this now. I hate you, I hate you!! I am glad you are alone and suffering. I suffer what you did to me almost everyday. As hard as I try I KNOW it still touches my children...when things overwhelm me and I act almost like you. I hate you and I want to punch you HARD!!! I want to knock your teeth out and then mock you like you did to me. I want to make you feel ugly so the you are the one who walks through the rest of your life wishing you could hide unable to see yourself how God sees you. Thank Him that I am not the one who decides how you should pay for what you have done because I HATE you! If you were here I would scar your body so that you were never able to forget the pain! Tomorrow, I have to wake up and I have to be the one responsible for what you did. It is mine now and I HATE you! I will do it though, because in spite of what you did to me, I let love in. I am in love with the three people who sleep under my roof. Although I fail, and I fail miserably, I do fight. I remember to step outside myself and remember to look at reality. Reality is things break down...kids pee and poop and not always in the right place...things spill and things get dirty over and over...I am not always going to get enoug sleep and not everyday am I promised 5 minutes to myself. Bad days come and bad days go. Will I wake up tomorrow and assume it will be as bad as this one, nah!! It really couldn't be too much worse, well it could, but then it might be good. But I still hate my mother and I TOTALLY want to kick her HARD right this minute!!
Tomorrow we head to the Marcus Autism Center. With all the things going on these past few weeks, I really haven't had time to think about it. Knowing that this is just an introduction and an evaluation there is really no use in worrying about it. This is just the beginning. But that wounded heart of mine likes to pop up when I have a good handle on somthing I would usually freak out about. All the "what if's" like to echo in my mind. What if this is the calm before the storm? What if we get "bad news" tomorrow...we can never unhear that bad news! What if this is the last night before the rest of our lives are linked with Autism? What if this is REALLY what is in store for Eli? What if I am not a strong enough mother to help him through this? What if I fail him? Again, it is only a beginning. No diagnostic facility would give such a diagnosis after one session. But, what if...
Right now, I can tell you that I don't want this! I don't want to fight so hard just to feel human...to feel good enough. I don't want to be the one who was so abused. I don't want to have to learn to calm down and not over react. I want that to have been taught to me 30 years ago...the easy way. Today, mother, I hate you!! If you were to stand in front of me you wouldn't be on your feet very long. I hate you for what you have done to me. I hate you because I have to fix this now. I hate you, I hate you!! I am glad you are alone and suffering. I suffer what you did to me almost everyday. As hard as I try I KNOW it still touches my children...when things overwhelm me and I act almost like you. I hate you and I want to punch you HARD!!! I want to knock your teeth out and then mock you like you did to me. I want to make you feel ugly so the you are the one who walks through the rest of your life wishing you could hide unable to see yourself how God sees you. Thank Him that I am not the one who decides how you should pay for what you have done because I HATE you! If you were here I would scar your body so that you were never able to forget the pain! Tomorrow, I have to wake up and I have to be the one responsible for what you did. It is mine now and I HATE you! I will do it though, because in spite of what you did to me, I let love in. I am in love with the three people who sleep under my roof. Although I fail, and I fail miserably, I do fight. I remember to step outside myself and remember to look at reality. Reality is things break down...kids pee and poop and not always in the right place...things spill and things get dirty over and over...I am not always going to get enoug sleep and not everyday am I promised 5 minutes to myself. Bad days come and bad days go. Will I wake up tomorrow and assume it will be as bad as this one, nah!! It really couldn't be too much worse, well it could, but then it might be good. But I still hate my mother and I TOTALLY want to kick her HARD right this minute!!
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