Today...well lets just say that I have not been this ashamed of myself for a long while! I was never taught how to handle stress, everyday life, in a good way. In other words, I was taught to take it out on other people. In the middle of days like today, I usually take the easier way out...to go back to what I know and not fight past it and be better than my mother. I go back to selfishness and believe the lie that it is all about me. I give in to thinking it is all being done TO me when it is really just life. Granted it is life happening ALL at once but still, nothing that is permanent. I rage all day, yell and scream...over-react...rant and rave and then end the day feeling like a huge ugly monster!! I sit here, thinking about my sleeping children down the hall and I just feel so very far away. I can't possibly be good for them. My body does not seem to be able to contain patience and calmness. I am quick to over react and become angry, something that is sure to pass to them. I can't seem to find a way to calm down or release my frustration in a way safe for all that come in contact with me. It isn't all about me. Thankfully they are still young enough not to remember mommy's temper tantrum from 5 min ago...but that will end too soon. I need to find a better way! Frustrations will come, but how can i seperate that from the way I behave?
Tomorrow we head to the Marcus Autism Center. With all the things going on these past few weeks, I really haven't had time to think about it. Knowing that this is just an introduction and an evaluation there is really no use in worrying about it. This is just the beginning. But that wounded heart of mine likes to pop up when I have a good handle on somthing I would usually freak out about. All the "what if's" like to echo in my mind. What if this is the calm before the storm? What if we get "bad news" tomorrow...we can never unhear that bad news! What if this is the last night before the rest of our lives are linked with Autism? What if this is REALLY what is in store for Eli? What if I am not a strong enough mother to help him through this? What if I fail him? Again, it is only a beginning. No diagnostic facility would give such a diagnosis after one session. But, what if...
Right now, I can tell you that I don't want this! I don't want to fight so hard just to feel human...to feel good enough. I don't want to be the one who was so abused. I don't want to have to learn to calm down and not over react. I want that to have been taught to me 30 years ago...the easy way. Today, mother, I hate you!! If you were to stand in front of me you wouldn't be on your feet very long. I hate you for what you have done to me. I hate you because I have to fix this now. I hate you, I hate you!! I am glad you are alone and suffering. I suffer what you did to me almost everyday. As hard as I try I KNOW it still touches my children...when things overwhelm me and I act almost like you. I hate you and I want to punch you HARD!!! I want to knock your teeth out and then mock you like you did to me. I want to make you feel ugly so the you are the one who walks through the rest of your life wishing you could hide unable to see yourself how God sees you. Thank Him that I am not the one who decides how you should pay for what you have done because I HATE you! If you were here I would scar your body so that you were never able to forget the pain! Tomorrow, I have to wake up and I have to be the one responsible for what you did. It is mine now and I HATE you! I will do it though, because in spite of what you did to me, I let love in. I am in love with the three people who sleep under my roof. Although I fail, and I fail miserably, I do fight. I remember to step outside myself and remember to look at reality. Reality is things break down...kids pee and poop and not always in the right place...things spill and things get dirty over and over...I am not always going to get enoug sleep and not everyday am I promised 5 minutes to myself. Bad days come and bad days go. Will I wake up tomorrow and assume it will be as bad as this one, nah!! It really couldn't be too much worse, well it could, but then it might be good. But I still hate my mother and I TOTALLY want to kick her HARD right this minute!!
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