I don't even know how to begin. I tried writing an email to our friends and family but having to be somewhat guarded or just brief isn't what I need right now. Eli has Autism. We took him for testing and we were told he had too many "red flags" and would need further evaluation to see where he lands on the spectrum...or how severe the autism.
I was in a daze the rest of the day. It was hard to "feel" anything. I had suspected but there is something about a professional telling you this is what your son has in store for his future that can make you just...numb. I know God was there. I know He knew this long ago. I woke up the next morning feeling like I had a hangover. I was in shock and I couldn't seem to focus my mind in anything else. I just...I just don't want this for Eli or for our family. No one does, I understand that but the burden is so great. It makes life and parenting a little harder. It requires more patience and sacrifice...more, more, more. Do I have enough? I already feel like I have to borrow patience from my love...these don't come naturally to me, how will I ever have it when Eli needs it most? I know we will be okay, I know it! I wonder if this should have been given to a child with a sweeter mother...someone more mellow who doesn't get frustrated SO easily.
It is so hard to rejoice in this time. Eli is my blessing. I remember the first time I heard Eli after he was born, the first time I saw his face, and the first time I held him in my arms. Some days I feel like he never left the space in my arms that he occupied that early December morning. When he will let me hold him I often shift him to that same place. My baby boy...my first child...the first child my body sustained and nourished. We were forever connected physically...he was and is mine. I never wanted to let him go. I did give Eli back to God. I knew there would be things in his life that I would just not be able to handle or control. I thought those things would come in his teens but I guess I was wrong. I don't know why this happened. I don't know why God did not protect Eli from this as he developed in my womb. I am devastated. I don't like that I cannot take this away. I am weep at thinking Eli will struggle and may even suffer at the hands of people who don't understand him or his condition. I want to fight but the foe is invisible. No one can tough it or see it on an x-ray. It can't be operated on or removed. This is how it will be. I am so blessed though that this is not cancer...it isn't terminal. Eli will probably outlive me. This is no death sentence. I know all these things. We will make adjustments and help Eli in all the ways we possibly can. I guess now, I feel overwhelmed and unsure.
You can pray for me as I continue the severely stressful process of getting Eli put on Medicaid. The testing is extremely expensive. I began the process back in December and am STILL getting the runaround. It is all about to turn my hair gray!! I am a worrier and I HATE having to worry about something so superficial as money when I want to be focusing on how to help Eli.
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