What an interesting week since I last wrote. Needless to say the last time you heard from me I was mad!!! I make no excuses now. I was angry and I was hurt that God would ask my son to walk such a bumpy road in his little life. Before I get into that, let me walk you through a few things I experienced this week.
There is a woman at my church that is going through the diagnostic process with her child. Things are much worse for her. Her child is a teenager...able to speak...you get the picture. Anyway, we have been chatting off and on. She emailed me following our diagnosis apologizing over and over for venting her pains to me. She hadn't done that to anyone but her husband. She was sorry for burdening me. I was confused for about 12 seconds. It hit me (much like a ton of bricks) that not everyone knows the support that I have known for almost 7 years now. Just because people go to church does not mean they experience love, compassion, love, grace, patience, LOVE, and more patience like those of us reading this now. I have poured it all out several times in front of women who picked me up and nursed my wounds. I have cried, cursed, and yelled over these 7 years and have NEVER once been turned away. I have not met ridicule from those inside my trust. I have confessed sins in front of more people than those sins hurt an found love and forgiveness...no condemnation. What peace I have found. God's intended church is not in a building with stained glass...it has been found in you all...my trust. I thank you for listening to me over these years as I struggled to let go of the past and as I continue to walk this bumpy road.
I emailed a few college friends who also have children with special needs. It seems having to trust that God loves us even when we don't feel it is a common occurrence among Christian parents of children with special needs. The pain we feel over our children leaves a gaping wound. After many of us wrestle with God we are able to know He loves us and that that won't always make sense everyday. On friend told me that when she is home with her children they are who they are. There are no such things as delays or mental retardation. She can just enjoy her children for who they are and how they were created. When she takes them out in public she is reminded of how much they can't do. Then she feels the pain and is sad. What a relief I found in her words. It is okay to be sad when I see the gap between Eli and other kids his age but what a blessing to be able to enjoy him at home just the way he is. Things will be hard and there will be more trials to face in his life but we always have home where we can rest together.
This weekend we visited my husband's grandparents and went to church with them. You all will find the beginning of this story ironic. The Sunday School teacher opened with a question about how we were disciplined as a child...HA!!! I just kept my mouth shut and listened to those around me joke about the times their parents disciplined. As the hour was coming to an end one of the women said something I thought you all would have wondered about as I do. She is married with two boys. She is about my age and had a good income. She said that about a year ago she began to realise that she had had a pretty safe life. She had heard several testimonies from people that had walked through horrendous things and God had become more real to them. She marveled at having a testimony that would change someones life. She then proceeded to pray that if God saw fit to give her "rain". He did! I don't know the entire story but she is having a hysterectomy this week (she is my age), she'd had to quit her job, and her husband had had to change jobs when they had to move. WOW! I was laughing inside. Who would have thought that someone would ask God for what I am handed on, what feels like, a regular basis. I don't really know how to feel about this but I guess I don't really have to feel anything. She got what she asked for and God is more real to her. I take what I am given and we move on. My husband and I were discussing this on the way home. We know there are people in our lives who have never "suffered" and how sometimes that can cause us to wonder why is it all dumped on us. Here in our early 30's we have experienced more than some of those we know twice our age. Of course we never truly know what another is going through. Anyway, I mentioned my recent rant to God after Eli's diagnosis. My husband chuckled a little. I reassured him that I have always known deep down that there was a purpose. I know that this has all been scripted and mapped out. I let him know that I hate the purpose now. I want to stomp on the purpose and grind it into dust. I want to undo the purpose until it's presence has been forgotten. BUT I know there is a purpose. I wondered if my husband was ashamed that I always react in anger at things like these. He laughed again and told me I am much like David in that I am hot-headed! WHAT? ME?! Ha ha! We both agreed that I am not afraid to let God (and anyone in a 10 mile radius) know how I feel about something. I cry when I am happy and something touches me deep and I will scream when something makes me mad. In a word I am "passionate". I know my healing over these 7 years has opened the flood gates of my emotions, once locked away deep, DEEP inside. I am very self conscious of these things. They often overtake me an I am overwhelmed and vulnerable. I saw this as a flaw of someone very new to expressing what I feel. Little did I know that my husband has come to treasure this in me. Let's just say I can put another check on the bucket list...I always wanted to be treasured for being "every woman". Besides, in the last few months I have been on a search to define who I really am. Am I outdoorsy(yes)...do I like to cook/bake (no)...am I hotheaded(yes!!)? I wondered how God really made me. Did He grant me a personality of being outspoken? Does God really do that to people(HAHAHA)? It was always a source of shame in my childhood. Being loud and getting attention was a constant source of ridicule. I carry that still. But, is it futile to fight against that? Am I that woman who will volunteer for anything even before I am told what I am supposed to do? I am afraid so! Thank you Lord for making me this way! As Madeline says, "I 'yike' it!!". My next adventure is to see if I was created to be "sporty" or "outdoorsy". Growing up I wanted to play every sport and be a track star! Being forced to be a second care-giver to my siblings meant I was not allowed to do many extra curricular activities. I didn't ask to join anyway. It was common knowledge that I was not good at anything. HA! I am about to kick that untruth in the @$%!!!! I begin within the next few weeks to work up to running a 5K. I don't have my heart set on a 5K but more on having energy to enjoy activities with my kids and looking and feeling better. A 5K would just be some super sweet icing on the cake. We'll see. I hope I can do this...I HATE to exercise!!!!
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