I was hoping my "writer's block" would have lifted by now but I just can't find that soothe that I usually get from pouring my words out.

Good news an bad news, Eli does not have autism.  He has two of the three markers but they could not diagnose him autistic because his anti-social skills are not so severe.  Instead, the results of the testing show Eli falls into the category of being mentally retarded.  Right now they call it a severe developmental delay because he is only four.  Our IQ isn't firmly established until we are age six.  Unless Eli can catch up to his peers in 18 months his delay will become something permanent and he will be considered mentally retarded.  This, as I am learning, is a very broad category ranging from profound to mild.  Eli is/would be considered mildly mentally retarded.  Why does that not make me feel better?

We all know what happens to kids in the "special" class in schools.  Oh God, not my baby!  WHY, WHY, WHY????  I am pissed!  Only 2% of children even fall into this category...but still my baby stands among them!  Why, why is my son made to suffer this?  God, have I not suffered enough so that my children might be looked over?  Why this...why pile this pain on top of everything else I/we have been made to endure?  How could you do this to Eli?  How could you...a loving Father?  I don't understand!  How can I be expected to be so much for Eli?  I am not good enough for this!  I don't have what it takes to mother a special needs child!  I can't do this...you can't do this to Eli!  He deserves more and I don't know how to give him what he needs.  I don't know what I am doing!  How can I, who was never mothered have so much expected of me?  How could you?!  How is this love??  I can't fix Eli's brain and make it work better or faster...that is YOUR job!!  I can't do this!  If it is left up to me...what will happen to Eli?

I can hear you all correcting me out there!  I know the truth in my head...I know it is not in my hands but I guess heartbreak wins out for this moment.  It is all still fresh.  I guess you could say the wound is still bleeding.  Everyone is happy he doesn't have Autism and they tell me to have faith that he can catch up in 18 months.  Right after I visualized slapping them in the face a few times I want to scream at them and tell them they are stupid!!!  Right now, I need to be realistic.  It isn't time to take the "hands off faith" approach!  Right now Eli functions on a two year old level.  Meaning all his accomplishments are the same as Madeline's.  But not for long. Maddie begins to pass her brother as she continues to reach milestones.  This is just the beginning of the pain in that area of their relationship...but one thing at a time.  I don't feel wise in not preparing my heart and our future for the possibility that Eli will, in fact, be intellectually disabled.  I guess it doesn't really matter how that sounds because I am the one preparing my child for the fight OF HIS LIFE!  I am the one who will have to answer the questions from both my children when they ask me, "Why?".

I am angry...as you can tell.  I still don't understand why God expects so much of young children.  I don't understand why the pain continues to be piled on my family.  I know that anger is a proper response to this news and I know that I will figure this out.  I may never be someone who responds to these things with immediate praise to God but God loves me no less.  I remember thinking a few months ago that my heart had been broken in all ways possible...that I might never have to know real pain again.  HA!!!  I have been mentoring another mom from our church who finds herself at the beginning of such a diagnosis for her daughter and I was actually afraid that I had lost touch with the pain I felt over "mourning" my child's losses.  HA!!!  I hope you can all hear me laughing over how ridiculous those thoughts seem to me now!!

Writers block...gone!