I have gotten used to tears. For a long while I was unable to find tears but as I began my healing, and began to let go a little, tears found me. I can remember taking a walk with Evan in the beginning. We walked past a cow close by, it Mooed LOUD...it scared me and I cried. It sounds odd, but for those of us who have severed our souls from feeling know any tears or feeling is a sign of life!!
We traveled to Canada this past weekend for the funeral of Evan's Grandma, Lena. It was a surprise to be able to go. We took Eli with us. The Warden family loves to gather and share...any and everything they "feel". We arrived Saturday afternoon and were gathered with the family by Saturday afternoon. It was time for everyone to share their memories of Nana. Not being a blood relative I didn't feel comfortable sharing in the "mourning". It didn't feel like my place. UNTIL, someone mentioned Lena's leaving a heritage and a legacy. I looked up at great great Aunt Honor, the five great Aunts, two great Uncles, grandparents, and 16 second cousins to my babies...what a heritage! This was it...this is the better life I wanted for my children...all because of Nana. I could have been the only one in the room because I don't remember much else as I began to weep. I cried out joy and peace. I had finally come face to face with the reality of how far removed my children are from my past. That room was busting at the seams with people in love with me and my children. I was brought out of a pit...out of Jericho...and woven into family where love and acceptance run deep. We laid Nana to rest and again the Pastor mentioned her legacy as he counted to children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren surrounding her graveside. My body shook in sobs again in thankfulness for the Grace of God in giving me the best. How unlikely was it that I would end up standing there...with the status of grand daughter (in-law)? Who am I that I might take up space among Nana's children? Who am I that God would give me and my children such a gift...such a heritage? The past will not overshadow the future. I thanked Nana as we said our final goodbyes. As we drove off I looked back at the casket...sitting all by itself in the rain with no one around. The mother in me felt wrong to be leaving her alone. I thought I should stay until she was in the ground where she would rest but I remembered what Popop said as they lowered her a little ways, " She is not here, she is risen!!". Even the night before at the viewing, Popop remembered something he had heard, "The shell is here but the nut has gone to heaven!" (Warden Humor). Nana lives in a different place. May she not be burdened by the weight of her crown in Glory!! Will I live my life as well as she? Will hundreds of people travel thousands of miles to say goodbye to me because I leave a wide heritage? Heaven is not so far away! Am I living as a Faithful Servant? Will God say to me, "Well Done"?
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