I have gotten used to tears. For a long while I was unable to find tears but as I began my healing, and began to let go a little, tears found me. I can remember taking a walk with Evan in the beginning. We walked past a cow close by, it Mooed LOUD...it scared me and I cried. It sounds odd, but for those of us who have severed our souls from feeling know any tears or feeling is a sign of life!!
We traveled to Canada this past weekend for the funeral of Evan's Grandma, Lena. It was a surprise to be able to go. We took Eli with us. The Warden family loves to gather and share...any and everything they "feel". We arrived Saturday afternoon and were gathered with the family by Saturday afternoon. It was time for everyone to share their memories of Nana. Not being a blood relative I didn't feel comfortable sharing in the "mourning". It didn't feel like my place. UNTIL, someone mentioned Lena's leaving a heritage and a legacy. I looked up at great great Aunt Honor, the five great Aunts, two great Uncles, grandparents, and 16 second cousins to my babies...what a heritage! This was it...this is the better life I wanted for my children...all because of Nana. I could have been the only one in the room because I don't remember much else as I began to weep. I cried out joy and peace. I had finally come face to face with the reality of how far removed my children are from my past. That room was busting at the seams with people in love with me and my children. I was brought out of a pit...out of Jericho...and woven into family where love and acceptance run deep. We laid Nana to rest and again the Pastor mentioned her legacy as he counted to children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren surrounding her graveside. My body shook in sobs again in thankfulness for the Grace of God in giving me the best. How unlikely was it that I would end up standing there...with the status of grand daughter (in-law)? Who am I that I might take up space among Nana's children? Who am I that God would give me and my children such a gift...such a heritage? The past will not overshadow the future. I thanked Nana as we said our final goodbyes. As we drove off I looked back at the casket...sitting all by itself in the rain with no one around. The mother in me felt wrong to be leaving her alone. I thought I should stay until she was in the ground where she would rest but I remembered what Popop said as they lowered her a little ways, " She is not here, she is risen!!". Even the night before at the viewing, Popop remembered something he had heard, "The shell is here but the nut has gone to heaven!" (Warden Humor). Nana lives in a different place. May she not be burdened by the weight of her crown in Glory!! Will I live my life as well as she? Will hundreds of people travel thousands of miles to say goodbye to me because I leave a wide heritage? Heaven is not so far away! Am I living as a Faithful Servant? Will God say to me, "Well Done"?
Friday, June 17, 2011
Thursday, June 9, 2011
See you soon, Nana!
Most of you know that Evan's grandmother passed away on Monday after a very short battle with pancreatic cancer. Of course, when someone so close to you passes away your automatic response is to look back lovingly (hopefully) over the memories you have of them. Evan has a lifetime of fondness when it comes to his Nana. Most of those memories have to do with food...Nana could COOK!! I am highly suspicious of her sugar cookie recipe...many of us have tried but failed to reproduce that taste Nana offered in her cookies. I guess love is a real ingredient! That reminds me of the first time I met Nana (which is also my favorite memory). Even though they lived in Canada, Evan's grandparents traveled to Toccoa, GA for our wedding. I had heard about Nana and her rather crass humor but we had never met. She came through the procession line, leaned in to me and said, "I saw what you did (or something of the like)!!" She was referring to "the Kiss". I just laughed as all the rumors I had heard about Nana became truth to me. There is even a picture taken of my face as she is whispering this to me. My face is surprisingly has a "warm" reaction to this "welcome" into my new family. I was thinking today about that moment and the love ingredient. It never occurred to me to be embarrassed at the comment from my new Grandmother-in-law. Here was a sweet woman who had been praying for me my entire life...as she prayed for the future wife of her (favorite ;-)) grandson. To her, I was already family...already an acquaintance. She had known me since before I was born. She has spent 5 years in prayer over my own children. I feel peace knowing her blood courses through them...diluting the bad blood they inevitably inherited from my mother and father. It almost makes their lives look new everyday...freshly picked from what would be a minefield. I also remember the weeks after I cut ties from my mother. I was gravely afraid I was disobeying God by not honoring my mother. I pleaded with Evan to let us write/call his grandparents and present my case. If they told me I was honoring God than I would be at peace. I could not yet trust God...but I could trust that Nana and Popop would not let harm come to me. They, of course, gave me their blessing and ushered me into the beginnings of a search for more truth.
Only God and Nana know what she is doing right now. So REAL is Heaven when you know for sure the one who has passed is now, at this moment, sitting (or running, skipping, etc.) at the feet of the Father she so patiently waited to see. I think it fitting that Nana would go before all the rest of us. She goes there to prepare a welcome for her many generations that will follow her. All those "Heavenly" sugar cookies need time to cool;-) So go now Nana and we will see you in a little while.
P.S. I don't know why but I have a feeling Nana whispers in God's ear a prayer for my little Eli!!!
Only God and Nana know what she is doing right now. So REAL is Heaven when you know for sure the one who has passed is now, at this moment, sitting (or running, skipping, etc.) at the feet of the Father she so patiently waited to see. I think it fitting that Nana would go before all the rest of us. She goes there to prepare a welcome for her many generations that will follow her. All those "Heavenly" sugar cookies need time to cool;-) So go now Nana and we will see you in a little while.
P.S. I don't know why but I have a feeling Nana whispers in God's ear a prayer for my little Eli!!!
Saturday, April 16, 2011
A hangover...
I don't even know how to begin. I tried writing an email to our friends and family but having to be somewhat guarded or just brief isn't what I need right now. Eli has Autism. We took him for testing and we were told he had too many "red flags" and would need further evaluation to see where he lands on the spectrum...or how severe the autism.
I was in a daze the rest of the day. It was hard to "feel" anything. I had suspected but there is something about a professional telling you this is what your son has in store for his future that can make you just...numb. I know God was there. I know He knew this long ago. I woke up the next morning feeling like I had a hangover. I was in shock and I couldn't seem to focus my mind in anything else. I just...I just don't want this for Eli or for our family. No one does, I understand that but the burden is so great. It makes life and parenting a little harder. It requires more patience and sacrifice...more, more, more. Do I have enough? I already feel like I have to borrow patience from my love...these don't come naturally to me, how will I ever have it when Eli needs it most? I know we will be okay, I know it! I wonder if this should have been given to a child with a sweeter mother...someone more mellow who doesn't get frustrated SO easily.
It is so hard to rejoice in this time. Eli is my blessing. I remember the first time I heard Eli after he was born, the first time I saw his face, and the first time I held him in my arms. Some days I feel like he never left the space in my arms that he occupied that early December morning. When he will let me hold him I often shift him to that same place. My baby boy...my first child...the first child my body sustained and nourished. We were forever connected physically...he was and is mine. I never wanted to let him go. I did give Eli back to God. I knew there would be things in his life that I would just not be able to handle or control. I thought those things would come in his teens but I guess I was wrong. I don't know why this happened. I don't know why God did not protect Eli from this as he developed in my womb. I am devastated. I don't like that I cannot take this away. I am weep at thinking Eli will struggle and may even suffer at the hands of people who don't understand him or his condition. I want to fight but the foe is invisible. No one can tough it or see it on an x-ray. It can't be operated on or removed. This is how it will be. I am so blessed though that this is not cancer...it isn't terminal. Eli will probably outlive me. This is no death sentence. I know all these things. We will make adjustments and help Eli in all the ways we possibly can. I guess now, I feel overwhelmed and unsure.
You can pray for me as I continue the severely stressful process of getting Eli put on Medicaid. The testing is extremely expensive. I began the process back in December and am STILL getting the runaround. It is all about to turn my hair gray!! I am a worrier and I HATE having to worry about something so superficial as money when I want to be focusing on how to help Eli.
I was in a daze the rest of the day. It was hard to "feel" anything. I had suspected but there is something about a professional telling you this is what your son has in store for his future that can make you just...numb. I know God was there. I know He knew this long ago. I woke up the next morning feeling like I had a hangover. I was in shock and I couldn't seem to focus my mind in anything else. I just...I just don't want this for Eli or for our family. No one does, I understand that but the burden is so great. It makes life and parenting a little harder. It requires more patience and sacrifice...more, more, more. Do I have enough? I already feel like I have to borrow patience from my love...these don't come naturally to me, how will I ever have it when Eli needs it most? I know we will be okay, I know it! I wonder if this should have been given to a child with a sweeter mother...someone more mellow who doesn't get frustrated SO easily.
It is so hard to rejoice in this time. Eli is my blessing. I remember the first time I heard Eli after he was born, the first time I saw his face, and the first time I held him in my arms. Some days I feel like he never left the space in my arms that he occupied that early December morning. When he will let me hold him I often shift him to that same place. My baby boy...my first child...the first child my body sustained and nourished. We were forever connected physically...he was and is mine. I never wanted to let him go. I did give Eli back to God. I knew there would be things in his life that I would just not be able to handle or control. I thought those things would come in his teens but I guess I was wrong. I don't know why this happened. I don't know why God did not protect Eli from this as he developed in my womb. I am devastated. I don't like that I cannot take this away. I am weep at thinking Eli will struggle and may even suffer at the hands of people who don't understand him or his condition. I want to fight but the foe is invisible. No one can tough it or see it on an x-ray. It can't be operated on or removed. This is how it will be. I am so blessed though that this is not cancer...it isn't terminal. Eli will probably outlive me. This is no death sentence. I know all these things. We will make adjustments and help Eli in all the ways we possibly can. I guess now, I feel overwhelmed and unsure.
You can pray for me as I continue the severely stressful process of getting Eli put on Medicaid. The testing is extremely expensive. I began the process back in December and am STILL getting the runaround. It is all about to turn my hair gray!! I am a worrier and I HATE having to worry about something so superficial as money when I want to be focusing on how to help Eli.
Tuesday, April 12, 2011
Today, mother, I HATE you!!
Today...well lets just say that I have not been this ashamed of myself for a long while! I was never taught how to handle stress, everyday life, in a good way. In other words, I was taught to take it out on other people. In the middle of days like today, I usually take the easier way out...to go back to what I know and not fight past it and be better than my mother. I go back to selfishness and believe the lie that it is all about me. I give in to thinking it is all being done TO me when it is really just life. Granted it is life happening ALL at once but still, nothing that is permanent. I rage all day, yell and scream...over-react...rant and rave and then end the day feeling like a huge ugly monster!! I sit here, thinking about my sleeping children down the hall and I just feel so very far away. I can't possibly be good for them. My body does not seem to be able to contain patience and calmness. I am quick to over react and become angry, something that is sure to pass to them. I can't seem to find a way to calm down or release my frustration in a way safe for all that come in contact with me. It isn't all about me. Thankfully they are still young enough not to remember mommy's temper tantrum from 5 min ago...but that will end too soon. I need to find a better way! Frustrations will come, but how can i seperate that from the way I behave?
Tomorrow we head to the Marcus Autism Center. With all the things going on these past few weeks, I really haven't had time to think about it. Knowing that this is just an introduction and an evaluation there is really no use in worrying about it. This is just the beginning. But that wounded heart of mine likes to pop up when I have a good handle on somthing I would usually freak out about. All the "what if's" like to echo in my mind. What if this is the calm before the storm? What if we get "bad news" tomorrow...we can never unhear that bad news! What if this is the last night before the rest of our lives are linked with Autism? What if this is REALLY what is in store for Eli? What if I am not a strong enough mother to help him through this? What if I fail him? Again, it is only a beginning. No diagnostic facility would give such a diagnosis after one session. But, what if...
Right now, I can tell you that I don't want this! I don't want to fight so hard just to feel human...to feel good enough. I don't want to be the one who was so abused. I don't want to have to learn to calm down and not over react. I want that to have been taught to me 30 years ago...the easy way. Today, mother, I hate you!! If you were to stand in front of me you wouldn't be on your feet very long. I hate you for what you have done to me. I hate you because I have to fix this now. I hate you, I hate you!! I am glad you are alone and suffering. I suffer what you did to me almost everyday. As hard as I try I KNOW it still touches my children...when things overwhelm me and I act almost like you. I hate you and I want to punch you HARD!!! I want to knock your teeth out and then mock you like you did to me. I want to make you feel ugly so the you are the one who walks through the rest of your life wishing you could hide unable to see yourself how God sees you. Thank Him that I am not the one who decides how you should pay for what you have done because I HATE you! If you were here I would scar your body so that you were never able to forget the pain! Tomorrow, I have to wake up and I have to be the one responsible for what you did. It is mine now and I HATE you! I will do it though, because in spite of what you did to me, I let love in. I am in love with the three people who sleep under my roof. Although I fail, and I fail miserably, I do fight. I remember to step outside myself and remember to look at reality. Reality is things break down...kids pee and poop and not always in the right place...things spill and things get dirty over and over...I am not always going to get enoug sleep and not everyday am I promised 5 minutes to myself. Bad days come and bad days go. Will I wake up tomorrow and assume it will be as bad as this one, nah!! It really couldn't be too much worse, well it could, but then it might be good. But I still hate my mother and I TOTALLY want to kick her HARD right this minute!!
Tomorrow we head to the Marcus Autism Center. With all the things going on these past few weeks, I really haven't had time to think about it. Knowing that this is just an introduction and an evaluation there is really no use in worrying about it. This is just the beginning. But that wounded heart of mine likes to pop up when I have a good handle on somthing I would usually freak out about. All the "what if's" like to echo in my mind. What if this is the calm before the storm? What if we get "bad news" tomorrow...we can never unhear that bad news! What if this is the last night before the rest of our lives are linked with Autism? What if this is REALLY what is in store for Eli? What if I am not a strong enough mother to help him through this? What if I fail him? Again, it is only a beginning. No diagnostic facility would give such a diagnosis after one session. But, what if...
Right now, I can tell you that I don't want this! I don't want to fight so hard just to feel human...to feel good enough. I don't want to be the one who was so abused. I don't want to have to learn to calm down and not over react. I want that to have been taught to me 30 years ago...the easy way. Today, mother, I hate you!! If you were to stand in front of me you wouldn't be on your feet very long. I hate you for what you have done to me. I hate you because I have to fix this now. I hate you, I hate you!! I am glad you are alone and suffering. I suffer what you did to me almost everyday. As hard as I try I KNOW it still touches my children...when things overwhelm me and I act almost like you. I hate you and I want to punch you HARD!!! I want to knock your teeth out and then mock you like you did to me. I want to make you feel ugly so the you are the one who walks through the rest of your life wishing you could hide unable to see yourself how God sees you. Thank Him that I am not the one who decides how you should pay for what you have done because I HATE you! If you were here I would scar your body so that you were never able to forget the pain! Tomorrow, I have to wake up and I have to be the one responsible for what you did. It is mine now and I HATE you! I will do it though, because in spite of what you did to me, I let love in. I am in love with the three people who sleep under my roof. Although I fail, and I fail miserably, I do fight. I remember to step outside myself and remember to look at reality. Reality is things break down...kids pee and poop and not always in the right place...things spill and things get dirty over and over...I am not always going to get enoug sleep and not everyday am I promised 5 minutes to myself. Bad days come and bad days go. Will I wake up tomorrow and assume it will be as bad as this one, nah!! It really couldn't be too much worse, well it could, but then it might be good. But I still hate my mother and I TOTALLY want to kick her HARD right this minute!!
Thursday, April 7, 2011
Blessings
Wow, it has been a while! I feel like these last few months my mind, my body, and my soul have been rotating around Eli. Since December (when his pediatrician used the "A" word) I feel like I am racing against an evil clock. I know enough to know if Eli does have something as debilitating as Autism there is only so much time before the affects are irreversible. I can say I don't feel alone in all this. Eli seems to be surrounded by people who love him and want to help him in every way. So many have come to me and asked how we are doing. I wish it was socially acceptable to say that this isn't as hard for us as it should be. An Autism diagnosis would only do Eli good. It would open a whole new world of therapies and specific interventions that Eli would benefit from. Yes, it would follow him all his life...but he will never know anything different. If given the choice, I would tell autism to hit the road...I would tell all these things that haunt my son's abilities to evaporate. But I can't do that. I was not given the choice. I could be mad. I DO wonder "why". Why my son...why Eli? But we are so far past the "whys" it would be useless to allow ourselves to be stuck there. It IS the reality...Autism may be the reality.
You know, as I brave this...as we look for the best for our son all I can think is that this isn't permanent. It is permanent in this life. BUT, Autism has already been defeated. When my son loses his life on this earth his mind will be erased of all that holds him back. In Heaven, Eli will be like everyone else. He will measure up. It will all be gone. We will give him our all while we are here and Eli will find his voice...but in Heaven, it will just be gone. All the struggles of this life will be no more. We have missed out on being able to tell Eli about God. We pray at mealtime, but (to our knowledge) Eli doesn't know who God is or why we pray. I do believe God and Eli have a special relationship though. I can't help but be in awe when I think before the stars were hung in the sky, God knew my son. God thought of Eli Graham Warden. God knew the things he would be given to overcome. Eli has taken what has been given to him and just crushed it!!! God wove my son...piece by piece. It was always intended that Eli would struggle. Who am I to demand anything other that what is already in place?
I heard a new song I have been wanting to share with you all:
Blessings by Laura Story
We pray for blessings
We pray for peace
Comfort for family, protection while we sleep
We pray for healing, for prosperity
We pray for Your mighty hand to ease our suffering
All the while, You hear each spoken need
Yet love us way too much to give us lesser things
‘Cause what if your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise
We pray for wisdom
Your voice to hear
And we cry in anger when we cannot feel You near
We doubt Your goodness, we doubt Your love
As if every promise from Your Word is not enough
All the while, You hear each desperate plea
And long that we'd have faith to believe
‘Cause what if your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near
And what if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise
When friends betray us
When darkness seems to win
We know the pain reminds this heart
That this is not, this is not our home,
It's not our home
‘Cause what if your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
And what if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near
What if my greatest disappointments
Or the aching of this life
Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can’t satisfy
And what if trials of this life
The rain, the storms, the hardest nights
Are your mercies in disguise
What if our struggles in this life are really blessings? CRAZY, right? Think of it though. Those of us on a journey to heal from abuse of any kind...how on earth would we EVER learn the things that journey teaches us OTHER than to have been abused and fight for healing?? I have yelled at God...blamed Him...ran a billion miles in the other direction and DARED Him to come after me...done things just to spite HIM. And yet, here I am. It doesn't always have to be that way but for me it did. God was always there when I turned my back...waiting in patience and love. No one had ever waited for ME. No one had ever given me time. No one had ever considered ME. I made God wait but He was already there. He just knew. He knew each wrong turn would be a lesson...a bit of the truth that makes up the God He was always supposed to be for me. When those around me were fed up with "how long it took" it didn't matter because it was ALL FOR ME!!! And now I think, it was all for my kids. It is insane to think I would have ever been able to face all that has happened with Eli had I not had some healing in my own life...NO WAY!! There is no time now for denial...there is no time to cry over it and demand God change it. Eli needs me now!! It was all for Eli and Madeline! I would never be the mother I am had I not been broken and then healed...NEVER! I am so far from perfect but I give it my best. Hopefully that will be good enough. All the bad in my life has lead me to God in one way or another. Not everything had been vindicated or explained but God has filled me so there is no gaping wounds any longer. It still hurts...boy, does it hurt at times. But it is what it is. I live this life...full of holes and kind of dark at times...and then I can rest in the Son-shine for eternity. I hope there is a beach in Heaven!!
Friday, February 4, 2011
Leave...
Recently I have been feeling discouraged and weighed down. This August will be 12 years since I left my mother's house. Twelve years I have been an adult on my own...and yet she is still with me. Slowly, so slowly, I have been able to chop her up and toss the pieces away (in a figurative sense...I promise hehehehehehehe;-)) I rarely hear her voice and my body is safe from her ever touching me again. So why am I the way I am? Why do I struggle? Why do I feel fear deep in my bones and not even know why? A few times this week I have noticed "habits" that I have that I don't even think about as I am doing them. One night I woke to Eli opening his bedroom door to go to the bathroom. It had startled me from a deep sleep. As I lay in bed waiting to hear him finish and return to his bed I felt a small pain in my hand. It was clenched in a tight fist. I fell back asleep. The next morning I couldn't get that fist out of my mind. I have often woken up and seen that both of my hands are in fists as long as I am lying on my back. I have tried to lay my hands flat as I fall asleep but it is impossible. I feel exposed in that position. Of course I know why I do this. Nighttime was a particularly fearful time in my childhood. I think of the way animals will instinctively positionn themselves when they sleep so that they are safe or prepared in case a predator comes along. I was no different. Often I would wedge my body between the mattress and the wall to fall asleep. Bunk beds were an extra protection. I know I fell asleep under my bed a few times. When I was sure it was safe I would climb back into bed. I still feel exposed at night. I am afraid of being caught off guard....a surprise attack where I will be unable to defend myself. I am not sure I have ever been able to fall asleep without doing some protective ritual. It might be making sure my back is to the door...hitting me in the back wouldn't hurt as much as my front and I could collect myself before being struck again. I do this without thinking as if I were an animal and the simple truth was that my enemies would seek to devour me in the darkness.
A second habit I noticed just this afternoon. My sweet Madeline is so much different than my Eli. Eli's tantrums were rare even after he hit two. Either that or I have permanently blocked it from my memory. Madeline is so much more defiant. She will clench her teeth and growl at me until she turns red. Other times she will just scream. She has been known to try and wedge herself between me and whatever surface I am working on. It literally feels like she is taking a fork and scraping it across my nerves. I try to ignore but she is a persistent little girl. At the first sound of her screaming it is as if someone turns the burner on under the pot that is my anger. The longer she screams the hotter I get, even trying to ignore her, and then it boils over and mommy screams. This sequence of events was particularly bothering me today. I have noticed another feeling in the midst of that...it is a jolt of fear. I HAVE to keep her quiet! I was bringing in the groceries today. Madeline had wanted to go and visit with the neighbor's dog. I was trying to figure out what I could distract her with because I didn't want her playing with the dog because it was raining. I then reminded myself she doesn't NEED to see that dog and if I say No than I say NO! She cried, of course, and I asked myself why it was so so so hard for me to hear her cry without feeling I had to stop it. The answer flooded to my mind. I had to keep my brother's and sister's quiet whenever I was home. She didn't want to "hear" us. "If you all don't shut up I am going to come back there!" We knew what that meant. I can remember being hit on the side of my head when one of the babies was crying. As my mother left the room I was cradling a crying baby crying myself. So from the time they were babies I would jump at the sound of them crying. I reached for a toy or anything in desperation. I was afraid it would make her come to where we were. The only time I felt relief was when they stopped crying. It wasn't just crying that made her mad. I can remember playing in a bedroom with my brother and sisters. I can remember running and I must have been laughing or yelling something in play and my mother burst through the door with a strip of duct tape and put it over my mouth. I cried silently at the shame. What is worse is the memory of being home to visit while I was in college and someone had just gotten in trouble. My mother was pissed and told us all to shut up because she was going to go take a nap. The kids were being kids but I took the role of keeping them quiet. I got out the duct tape. In my love for them, not wanting to hurt their souls, I made a game of it. I drew funny mouths on the tape and we all took pictures together. They never knew I was acting in deepest fear. When my daughter cries I get a jolt of fear. I will often search the room for what she might need or what could distract her from her tantrum. Until today this was a subconscious reaction. I know babies and toddlers cry...but there were just another set of rules for me. I didn't know about them but my kids were just not allowed to cry. If they did and I wasn't enough to make them stop then that was proof I wasn't good enough. I feel exposed when I can't "control" my children...everyone will know I am not good enough. Thank you God for showing this to me. Thank you for giving me this chance to seek how to correct this in me so that I don't have to connect my children's behavior with my own worth. Thank you for showing me if I control them in this way...I become my mother and would devour the souls you gave them.
It is really gonna suck having to separate this one from my "self".
I found a new song for living inside a tutu. I had actually been able to forget just how much I had wanted to "leave" my mothers house when it was impossible to do so. I was seconds from cutting into my wrists a few times...I swallowed more pills at a time than I should have just to be able to "leave". Whatever "childhood" I had was spent dreaming of being 25-30 and living in my own house...I just wanted to leave. A full moon always reminds me of sitting in my bedroom window watch the cars drive by on the highway...wishing DESPERATELY that I would open my eyes and be sitting in one of the cars headed somewhere else. I would sit at the Post Office down the block after being dropped off by the school bus as long as I could without getting into trouble for being late. I needed to soak up every millisecond of "peace" before I walked through that door. Each step closer to the house was a reminder to put my guard up...protect my body and my mind...don't listen to what she says...walk in fast and get up stairs to "prepare" for whatEVER will come. Michael W. Smith sings this amazing song. I wonder if he found my missing diary before this song was written? I cried out to God like He were my only lifeline at times. I had NO concept of Him but I was so desperate to "believe". I wonder, can God be a safe place and give peace to those who don't or can't "know" Him? If God hadn't filled some of the darkness in my life as a child I would be dead. As I got older I had to take a more active role in my relationship with God. I had to study and seek...but as a child God comforted me even when I didn't know to give Him the credit. I can say it felt like God was farther away as soon as I walked on my college campus...a Christian campus at that. But I can see now why it felt like He had left. God wanted me to seek with all my heart...I needed to begin a journey that would reveal God as a reality instead of a "feeling". I believe God's soft spot for children is proof that I was never alone even when I felt so lonely.
LEAVE
Daddy's on the sofa, turning up another bottle to unleash when I get home
I pretend he doesn't hit me
Momma just pretends that she don't know.
I used to think of talking
Talking to my preacher
He says I should just forgive and forget.
Now my baby brother just sits and recollects the same regrets.
And I just wanna leave
Oh, God, please help me now, I wanna leave.
As if that's not enough
We're the new family around here
Guess that's all the reason some kids need
'Cause they all call me names, and say I should just take it on the chin.
If I'm overreacting, then why is it so cold here
Why is it so cold here, in this hell
Why would my friend Suzy
Tell me I should just go kill myself?
And I just wanna leave
Oh, God, please help me now, I wanna leave
And I, I just wanna leave
Oh, God, please help me now, I wanna leave
Oh, I wanna get out of here
Oh, God, help me now, I really wanna leave,
(oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, ohh)
And I, just wanna leave
Oh, God, please help me now, I wanna leave
Oh, but I, I just wanna believe
Oh, God, please hear me now, I wanna believe
I just need to know, that You're really out there
Tell me if You're really out there, 'cause I believe.
A second habit I noticed just this afternoon. My sweet Madeline is so much different than my Eli. Eli's tantrums were rare even after he hit two. Either that or I have permanently blocked it from my memory. Madeline is so much more defiant. She will clench her teeth and growl at me until she turns red. Other times she will just scream. She has been known to try and wedge herself between me and whatever surface I am working on. It literally feels like she is taking a fork and scraping it across my nerves. I try to ignore but she is a persistent little girl. At the first sound of her screaming it is as if someone turns the burner on under the pot that is my anger. The longer she screams the hotter I get, even trying to ignore her, and then it boils over and mommy screams. This sequence of events was particularly bothering me today. I have noticed another feeling in the midst of that...it is a jolt of fear. I HAVE to keep her quiet! I was bringing in the groceries today. Madeline had wanted to go and visit with the neighbor's dog. I was trying to figure out what I could distract her with because I didn't want her playing with the dog because it was raining. I then reminded myself she doesn't NEED to see that dog and if I say No than I say NO! She cried, of course, and I asked myself why it was so so so hard for me to hear her cry without feeling I had to stop it. The answer flooded to my mind. I had to keep my brother's and sister's quiet whenever I was home. She didn't want to "hear" us. "If you all don't shut up I am going to come back there!" We knew what that meant. I can remember being hit on the side of my head when one of the babies was crying. As my mother left the room I was cradling a crying baby crying myself. So from the time they were babies I would jump at the sound of them crying. I reached for a toy or anything in desperation. I was afraid it would make her come to where we were. The only time I felt relief was when they stopped crying. It wasn't just crying that made her mad. I can remember playing in a bedroom with my brother and sisters. I can remember running and I must have been laughing or yelling something in play and my mother burst through the door with a strip of duct tape and put it over my mouth. I cried silently at the shame. What is worse is the memory of being home to visit while I was in college and someone had just gotten in trouble. My mother was pissed and told us all to shut up because she was going to go take a nap. The kids were being kids but I took the role of keeping them quiet. I got out the duct tape. In my love for them, not wanting to hurt their souls, I made a game of it. I drew funny mouths on the tape and we all took pictures together. They never knew I was acting in deepest fear. When my daughter cries I get a jolt of fear. I will often search the room for what she might need or what could distract her from her tantrum. Until today this was a subconscious reaction. I know babies and toddlers cry...but there were just another set of rules for me. I didn't know about them but my kids were just not allowed to cry. If they did and I wasn't enough to make them stop then that was proof I wasn't good enough. I feel exposed when I can't "control" my children...everyone will know I am not good enough. Thank you God for showing this to me. Thank you for giving me this chance to seek how to correct this in me so that I don't have to connect my children's behavior with my own worth. Thank you for showing me if I control them in this way...I become my mother and would devour the souls you gave them.
It is really gonna suck having to separate this one from my "self".
I found a new song for living inside a tutu. I had actually been able to forget just how much I had wanted to "leave" my mothers house when it was impossible to do so. I was seconds from cutting into my wrists a few times...I swallowed more pills at a time than I should have just to be able to "leave". Whatever "childhood" I had was spent dreaming of being 25-30 and living in my own house...I just wanted to leave. A full moon always reminds me of sitting in my bedroom window watch the cars drive by on the highway...wishing DESPERATELY that I would open my eyes and be sitting in one of the cars headed somewhere else. I would sit at the Post Office down the block after being dropped off by the school bus as long as I could without getting into trouble for being late. I needed to soak up every millisecond of "peace" before I walked through that door. Each step closer to the house was a reminder to put my guard up...protect my body and my mind...don't listen to what she says...walk in fast and get up stairs to "prepare" for whatEVER will come. Michael W. Smith sings this amazing song. I wonder if he found my missing diary before this song was written? I cried out to God like He were my only lifeline at times. I had NO concept of Him but I was so desperate to "believe". I wonder, can God be a safe place and give peace to those who don't or can't "know" Him? If God hadn't filled some of the darkness in my life as a child I would be dead. As I got older I had to take a more active role in my relationship with God. I had to study and seek...but as a child God comforted me even when I didn't know to give Him the credit. I can say it felt like God was farther away as soon as I walked on my college campus...a Christian campus at that. But I can see now why it felt like He had left. God wanted me to seek with all my heart...I needed to begin a journey that would reveal God as a reality instead of a "feeling". I believe God's soft spot for children is proof that I was never alone even when I felt so lonely.
LEAVE
Daddy's on the sofa, turning up another bottle to unleash when I get home
I pretend he doesn't hit me
Momma just pretends that she don't know.
I used to think of talking
Talking to my preacher
He says I should just forgive and forget.
Now my baby brother just sits and recollects the same regrets.
And I just wanna leave
Oh, God, please help me now, I wanna leave.
As if that's not enough
We're the new family around here
Guess that's all the reason some kids need
'Cause they all call me names, and say I should just take it on the chin.
If I'm overreacting, then why is it so cold here
Why is it so cold here, in this hell
Why would my friend Suzy
Tell me I should just go kill myself?
And I just wanna leave
Oh, God, please help me now, I wanna leave
And I, I just wanna leave
Oh, God, please help me now, I wanna leave
Oh, I wanna get out of here
Oh, God, help me now, I really wanna leave,
(oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, ohh)
And I, just wanna leave
Oh, God, please help me now, I wanna leave
Oh, but I, I just wanna believe
Oh, God, please hear me now, I wanna believe
I just need to know, that You're really out there
Tell me if You're really out there, 'cause I believe.
Wednesday, December 29, 2010
Jesus will meet you there...
You know, it is funny...all mu life I have seen (and even been annoyed by) people of faith. You know the people, the ones who can see and speak of God's love in the most violent and devastating tragedy...I always thought they were not real. Maybe if I touched them they would be a hologram...a person could not possibly be that insane to be able to forgo the pain and see the "Light".
Somehow, someway I became that insane...according to some of you who have spoken to me since my post about Eli possibly being autistic. When I spat out how I felt numb in the last blog...I was waiting on God. I was waiting for just something. The journey we have been on in the last year with Eli has made it next to impossible for me to believe I could control what happens to my son. I gave Eli back to God long ago. My son struggles in this life but is not alone. I came to this blog like I always do...I come here to spill out the depths so that I can fill it back up with the truth that follows. Jesus met me there. I saw why Eli's mother was beaten...I saw why I was abused and left to crawl on the path to healing. Hasn't this journey made me wiser than my years? Don't I have a lifetime of pain and the soothing needed from God above? I have not been where Eli is going...I don't know what his path will look like. I am honored to be given such a very special child...a child chosen to "suffer" but hopefully overcome. I wonder, God, did you mean for Eli to have a stronger mother...a wiser one...but I to have been given pain and hindrances I would never ask for. I have learned I can't change the past but can use my lessons for the future. I know everything happens for a reason...a Higher reason. Eli still cannot speak...maybe autism is to blame. A specific diagnosis, however devastating, would give Eli more specific help. Maybe this is the key to unlocking the Eli we know is there. God knows the way...if this is the valley we must walk through I will go. Let me carry my son until he can walk for himself...god carry me and let me be the mother...the strength my son needs to overcome and learn to praise you with every breath he breaths no matter what he faces. God make me the haven a boy like Eli will need to protect him or at least soothe him from the cruelty he might face...from the frustration and exhaustion his trials will bring him...always bringing the right words to teach Eli to thank you and not blame you. I am not alone...Eli is not alone, he walks hand in hand with his Father. You gave him to me, to bless me, and I give him back to You.
Eli's surgery is tomorrow at approx 7:30. We don't have any way to really verbally prepare him for what is to come. Thankfully this is a pretty simple surgery with only about a 4 day recovery. Thank you to all of you who have prayed and even donated money in our time of great need. We were able to make the payment to Eli's doctor because of your kindness. I hope you have already reaped the blessings you deserve from giving.
Somehow, someway I became that insane...according to some of you who have spoken to me since my post about Eli possibly being autistic. When I spat out how I felt numb in the last blog...I was waiting on God. I was waiting for just something. The journey we have been on in the last year with Eli has made it next to impossible for me to believe I could control what happens to my son. I gave Eli back to God long ago. My son struggles in this life but is not alone. I came to this blog like I always do...I come here to spill out the depths so that I can fill it back up with the truth that follows. Jesus met me there. I saw why Eli's mother was beaten...I saw why I was abused and left to crawl on the path to healing. Hasn't this journey made me wiser than my years? Don't I have a lifetime of pain and the soothing needed from God above? I have not been where Eli is going...I don't know what his path will look like. I am honored to be given such a very special child...a child chosen to "suffer" but hopefully overcome. I wonder, God, did you mean for Eli to have a stronger mother...a wiser one...but I to have been given pain and hindrances I would never ask for. I have learned I can't change the past but can use my lessons for the future. I know everything happens for a reason...a Higher reason. Eli still cannot speak...maybe autism is to blame. A specific diagnosis, however devastating, would give Eli more specific help. Maybe this is the key to unlocking the Eli we know is there. God knows the way...if this is the valley we must walk through I will go. Let me carry my son until he can walk for himself...god carry me and let me be the mother...the strength my son needs to overcome and learn to praise you with every breath he breaths no matter what he faces. God make me the haven a boy like Eli will need to protect him or at least soothe him from the cruelty he might face...from the frustration and exhaustion his trials will bring him...always bringing the right words to teach Eli to thank you and not blame you. I am not alone...Eli is not alone, he walks hand in hand with his Father. You gave him to me, to bless me, and I give him back to You.
Eli's surgery is tomorrow at approx 7:30. We don't have any way to really verbally prepare him for what is to come. Thankfully this is a pretty simple surgery with only about a 4 day recovery. Thank you to all of you who have prayed and even donated money in our time of great need. We were able to make the payment to Eli's doctor because of your kindness. I hope you have already reaped the blessings you deserve from giving.
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