Blessings

Wow, it has been a while!  I feel like these last few months my mind, my body, and my soul have been rotating around Eli.  Since December (when his pediatrician used the "A" word) I feel like I am racing against an evil clock.  I know enough to know if Eli does have something as debilitating as Autism there is only so much time before the affects are irreversible.  I can say I don't feel alone in all this.  Eli seems to be surrounded by people who love him and want to help him in every way.  So many have come to me and asked how we are doing.  I wish it was socially acceptable to say that this isn't as hard for us as it should be.  An Autism diagnosis would only do Eli good.  It would open a whole new world of therapies and specific interventions that Eli would benefit from.  Yes, it would follow him all his life...but he will never know anything different.  If given the choice, I would tell autism to hit the road...I would tell all these things that haunt my son's abilities to evaporate.  But I can't do that.  I was not given the choice.  I could be mad.  I DO wonder "why".  Why my son...why Eli?  But we are so far past the "whys" it would be useless to allow ourselves to be stuck there.  It IS the reality...Autism may be the reality. 

You know, as I brave this...as we look for the best for our son all I can think is that this isn't permanent.  It is permanent in this life.  BUT, Autism has already been defeated.  When my son loses his life on this earth his mind will be erased of all that holds him back.  In Heaven, Eli will be like everyone else.  He will measure up.  It will all be gone.  We will give him our all while we are here and Eli will find his voice...but in Heaven, it will just be gone.  All the struggles of this life will be no more.  We have missed out on being able to tell Eli about God.  We pray at mealtime, but (to our knowledge) Eli doesn't know who God is or why we pray.  I do believe God and Eli have a special relationship though.  I can't help but be in awe when I think before the stars were hung in the sky, God knew my son.  God thought of Eli Graham Warden.  God knew the things he would be given to overcome.  Eli has taken what has been given to him and just crushed it!!!  God wove my son...piece by piece.  It was always intended that Eli would struggle.  Who am I to demand anything other that what is already in place?    

I heard a new song I have been wanting to share with you all:

Blessings by Laura Story

We pray for blessings

We pray for peace
Comfort for family, protection while we sleep
We pray for healing, for prosperity
We pray for Your mighty hand to ease our suffering
All the while, You hear each spoken need
Yet love us way too much to give us lesser things

‘Cause what if your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

We pray for wisdom
Your voice to hear
And we cry in anger when we cannot feel You near
We doubt Your goodness, we doubt Your love
As if every promise from Your Word is not enough
All the while, You hear each desperate plea
And long that we'd have faith to believe

‘Cause what if your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near
And what if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

When friends betray us
When darkness seems to win
We know the pain reminds this heart
That this is not, this is not our home,
It's not our home

‘Cause what if your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
And what if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near
What if my greatest disappointments
Or the aching of this life
Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can’t satisfy
And what if trials of this life
The rain, the storms, the hardest nights
Are your mercies in disguise

What if our struggles in this life are really blessings?  CRAZY, right?  Think of it though.  Those of us on a journey to heal from abuse of any kind...how on earth would we EVER learn the things that journey teaches us OTHER than to have been abused and fight for healing??  I have yelled at God...blamed Him...ran a billion miles in the other direction and DARED Him to come after me...done things just to spite HIM.  And yet, here I am.  It doesn't always have to be that way but for me it did.  God was always there when I turned my back...waiting in patience and love.  No one had ever waited for ME.  No one had ever given me time.  No one had ever considered ME.  I made God wait but He was already there.  He just knew.  He knew each wrong turn would be a lesson...a bit of the truth that makes up the God He was always supposed to be for me.  When those around me were fed up with "how long it took" it didn't matter because it was ALL FOR ME!!!  And now I think, it was all for my kids.  It is insane to think I would have ever been able to face all that has happened with Eli had I not had some healing in my own life...NO WAY!!  There is no time now for denial...there is no time to cry over it and demand God change it.  Eli needs me now!!  It was all for Eli and Madeline!  I would never be the mother I am had I not been broken and then healed...NEVER!  I am so far from perfect but I give it my best.  Hopefully that will be good enough.  All the bad in my life has lead me to God in one way or another.  Not everything had been vindicated or explained but God has filled me so there is no gaping wounds any longer.  It still hurts...boy, does it hurt at times.  But it is what it is.  I live this life...full of holes and kind of dark at times...and then I can rest in the Son-shine for eternity.  I hope there is a beach in Heaven!!