You know, it is funny...all mu life I have seen (and even been annoyed by) people of faith. You know the people, the ones who can see and speak of God's love in the most violent and devastating tragedy...I always thought they were not real. Maybe if I touched them they would be a hologram...a person could not possibly be that insane to be able to forgo the pain and see the "Light".
Somehow, someway I became that insane...according to some of you who have spoken to me since my post about Eli possibly being autistic. When I spat out how I felt numb in the last blog...I was waiting on God. I was waiting for just something. The journey we have been on in the last year with Eli has made it next to impossible for me to believe I could control what happens to my son. I gave Eli back to God long ago. My son struggles in this life but is not alone. I came to this blog like I always do...I come here to spill out the depths so that I can fill it back up with the truth that follows. Jesus met me there. I saw why Eli's mother was beaten...I saw why I was abused and left to crawl on the path to healing. Hasn't this journey made me wiser than my years? Don't I have a lifetime of pain and the soothing needed from God above? I have not been where Eli is going...I don't know what his path will look like. I am honored to be given such a very special child...a child chosen to "suffer" but hopefully overcome. I wonder, God, did you mean for Eli to have a stronger mother...a wiser one...but I to have been given pain and hindrances I would never ask for. I have learned I can't change the past but can use my lessons for the future. I know everything happens for a reason...a Higher reason. Eli still cannot speak...maybe autism is to blame. A specific diagnosis, however devastating, would give Eli more specific help. Maybe this is the key to unlocking the Eli we know is there. God knows the way...if this is the valley we must walk through I will go. Let me carry my son until he can walk for himself...god carry me and let me be the mother...the strength my son needs to overcome and learn to praise you with every breath he breaths no matter what he faces. God make me the haven a boy like Eli will need to protect him or at least soothe him from the cruelty he might face...from the frustration and exhaustion his trials will bring him...always bringing the right words to teach Eli to thank you and not blame you. I am not alone...Eli is not alone, he walks hand in hand with his Father. You gave him to me, to bless me, and I give him back to You.
Eli's surgery is tomorrow at approx 7:30. We don't have any way to really verbally prepare him for what is to come. Thankfully this is a pretty simple surgery with only about a 4 day recovery. Thank you to all of you who have prayed and even donated money in our time of great need. We were able to make the payment to Eli's doctor because of your kindness. I hope you have already reaped the blessings you deserve from giving.
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