Monday, February 22, 2010
She said Cinderella...
It was beautiful...but I don't think she knew what it meant to me. We were walking around the mall and I stepped into the Disney store thinking about the two little people in my home who crave all things Disney. Rebecca walked in and said, "You know, I feel like Cinderella (because of what happened this week)." She went from doing all the chore and being depressed to having a life and a say in what happens in that life. I literally had to hold back the tears my heart was bursting forth! It was as if my little Maddie had said, "Mommy, I am a princess!". All these years...all this time and my baby sister finally feels like the princess she was always meant to be. She even mentioned her own wedding and making it a Cinderella wedding. Weeks ago my mother told her she would never get married because she was too ugly...now she dreams! Beauty in it most precious form... I was blessed by another thing my sister said. We talked about Mikaila and Rebecca was expressing a lot of worry about Mikaila being upset that she'd moved. She didn't want Mikaila to think she was angry at her. I inquired further and Rebecca mentioned how much she cared for Mikaila because she "was the one who raised her". I always felt that way towards all four of the kids. In recent months, after the things my brother had done were revealed, I have felt like I hadn't been as much a part of their lives as I had thought. I obviously hadn't protected them like I thought. I may have been the "whipping boy" so-to-speak but other things were happening. Anyway, when Rebecca mentioned she had the same connection with Mikaila...I guess I felt validated. I just needed that...thank the Lord!
Sunday, February 21, 2010
I'm back
It felt so amazing to squeeze my children...even if Eli had to do a double take when he jumped in my arms. Maddie still waddles to daddy when she gets hurt. Hopefully that will change back soon.
I am so fond of the time I spent with my brothers and sisters. For the first time in 5 years...it has been too long. I really needed the time with Rebecca on Thursday. I got back to my hotel and cried a little. Five years separated us but couldn't break the spirit of sisterhood. I say this first hand. There we were talking about what caused us pain and laughing over mistakes we made or were making...GPS' aren't infallible either! At one point we were in a restroom and I was drying my hands. I heard a woman's voice say, "Well excuse me!!" and my sister apologize. I turned to see the back of a women who could have been my mothers taller sister. Rebecca and I looked at each other and mouthed simulataniously, "Looks like mom!" We walked out of the bathroom and Rebecca said through giggles, "We better run or she';; catch us and beat us!" We both cracked up. I reminded her of what Evan had told me to do years ago when I would face her in court and I was pregnant with Eli..."kick her in the knees and run!" Humorous because my mother has had numerous knee surgeries and the kick would leave her incapacitated! I was in awe of my sister all this time. Only 3 days out from her "break out" from my mother's home and she seemed to be as "healed" as I! Certainly not jealous but I was just in awe. My bitter side has always gotten in the way of my being a forgiving person. Here she was, not quite to forgiveness, but clearly not looking back towards the road she'd left behind. I wondered if that was because she is more "childlike" because of her mental handicaps. Is being a little more childlike allowing her to be so resiliant? I don't know. Rebecca always has had a spirit of beauty. She is going to be alright. She wasn't afriad to talk about the past and things my mother had said. She wanted to clear up the things that she said bothered her. My mother had told her that Evan, my husband, didn't like her. I told Rebecca that I was sorry my mother had told her that but it just wasn't true. Evan loved her...and for her to look at where I was right then. I was 800 miles from home. Evan was home with our 2 kids by himself so that I could come and help her. That is certainly love even if an unseen or unprecidented kind of love in her life. We ended the night with another story my mother had told. After I had called the agency to report my mother she came back with an accusation of her own. She told the kids she wasn't sure why I would call her abusive when there was one time when I slapped Caleb in the car to make him behave. I was floored! We called Caleb right then to ask him about this. I never remembered slapping any one of them and Caleb confirmed this with a laugh. "No, never" he replied and finished with another belly laugh. I guess making an accusation against me helped her digest what was going on for a few moments. She must have had some painful moments when thinking about my having children who she'd never meet. She told Rebecca that my kids will be "real brats". After my blood pressure returned to some kind of stable level and allowed me to speak in an appropriate tone, I asked her what she thought mom meant. Rebecca said she was talking about how I had reacted to my brother's birth. When my mother left us in the room alone, my brother would end up crying. I kind of laugh about it now knowing that the same thing happens when Eli is left with Madeline. My child is the sweetest boy who reacts normally to another baby crowding his mommy's lap. How lost she is when it comes to knowledge of her oldest daughter. I think of how much I miss my brother now, even after the terrible things he has done, I wish the greatest healing story in his life. It angers me a little that she could twist a natural sibling rivalry reaction of mine into making me feel evil inside my whole life. Yes, I have heard those stories before about when my brother came. I have been called terrible things. Every jealous reaction she ever witnessed on my behalf was the same thing...evil among us!
I have to admit, I had low expectations of my visit with Zechariah. He had been the one who had denied me the longest. He is the one who claims to be the closest to mom. I could never lie about my feelings towards her. I thought our visit might end badly. I walked up to a boy who was twice the size he had been the last time I saw him. He sounded like he had traded in his high, squeeky voice that couldn't pronounce its "R's" for a much deeper, stabler one. We sat and talked comfortably for about 3 hours. Most of the conversation was dedicated to my mother but even that didn't seem to phase either of us. He spoke of her stressful financial situation. She is about to file for a second bankruptcy after her home was forclosed on about 2 months ago. Half of what she earns goes towards the care the kids receive. The more she earns, the more they take. I told him that I wouldn't wish any of that on my worst enemy. We spoke about the money missing from Rebecca's bank account. She had made $15,210 over the past 2 years and only $348 remains. Naeemah has decided to force my mother to pay $100 in return bacuse she could not come up with a good answer as to where the rest of the money went. Zechariah is worred how she will make those payments. I just replied that she can't take $15,000 and get off scott-free. More and more trouble seem to be piled on top of her. I can feel sympathy for the stress but I cannot seem to believe she hasn't earned it with the life she has lead.
It turns out that she didn't call me back because of something her Pastor said. He said that she couldn't call because I had invaded her when I came to the house to pick up Rebecca. Something tells me that the truth or the whole truth has been lost each time the excuse has changed hands. I called her a second time and tried to explain why I had had to come to her house. I apologized for "invading" and told her those feelings were valid but sometimes situations like that arise and you just deal with it. If life was meant to be comfortable...ugh, how boring! Anyway, I told her the ball is in her court. Zecariah ended with a little confession. He had been listening to me talk about or Christmas' and a family reunion and mentioned that he was a little jealous. Natural, of course. I can't begin to imagine how lonely their holidays. I told him that around the holidays I get a little misty but it can't even compare to what they all go through. I told him that I don't know what will happen in the future. Right now any kind of reconciliation seems impossible but then I had thought he and I were lost to eachother forever and that it hadn't even been 5 years. I had to say that there is a lot that needs to happen. She needs to admit what she has done and get some help...real help! My children are off limits as well. I really don't know where the road in the Quinn family will lead. I am not going to be pressured or guilted into inculding my children in it...dysfunction may always be dysfunction and my children deserve the best chance!!
I am so fond of the time I spent with my brothers and sisters. For the first time in 5 years...it has been too long. I really needed the time with Rebecca on Thursday. I got back to my hotel and cried a little. Five years separated us but couldn't break the spirit of sisterhood. I say this first hand. There we were talking about what caused us pain and laughing over mistakes we made or were making...GPS' aren't infallible either! At one point we were in a restroom and I was drying my hands. I heard a woman's voice say, "Well excuse me!!" and my sister apologize. I turned to see the back of a women who could have been my mothers taller sister. Rebecca and I looked at each other and mouthed simulataniously, "Looks like mom!" We walked out of the bathroom and Rebecca said through giggles, "We better run or she';; catch us and beat us!" We both cracked up. I reminded her of what Evan had told me to do years ago when I would face her in court and I was pregnant with Eli..."kick her in the knees and run!" Humorous because my mother has had numerous knee surgeries and the kick would leave her incapacitated! I was in awe of my sister all this time. Only 3 days out from her "break out" from my mother's home and she seemed to be as "healed" as I! Certainly not jealous but I was just in awe. My bitter side has always gotten in the way of my being a forgiving person. Here she was, not quite to forgiveness, but clearly not looking back towards the road she'd left behind. I wondered if that was because she is more "childlike" because of her mental handicaps. Is being a little more childlike allowing her to be so resiliant? I don't know. Rebecca always has had a spirit of beauty. She is going to be alright. She wasn't afriad to talk about the past and things my mother had said. She wanted to clear up the things that she said bothered her. My mother had told her that Evan, my husband, didn't like her. I told Rebecca that I was sorry my mother had told her that but it just wasn't true. Evan loved her...and for her to look at where I was right then. I was 800 miles from home. Evan was home with our 2 kids by himself so that I could come and help her. That is certainly love even if an unseen or unprecidented kind of love in her life. We ended the night with another story my mother had told. After I had called the agency to report my mother she came back with an accusation of her own. She told the kids she wasn't sure why I would call her abusive when there was one time when I slapped Caleb in the car to make him behave. I was floored! We called Caleb right then to ask him about this. I never remembered slapping any one of them and Caleb confirmed this with a laugh. "No, never" he replied and finished with another belly laugh. I guess making an accusation against me helped her digest what was going on for a few moments. She must have had some painful moments when thinking about my having children who she'd never meet. She told Rebecca that my kids will be "real brats". After my blood pressure returned to some kind of stable level and allowed me to speak in an appropriate tone, I asked her what she thought mom meant. Rebecca said she was talking about how I had reacted to my brother's birth. When my mother left us in the room alone, my brother would end up crying. I kind of laugh about it now knowing that the same thing happens when Eli is left with Madeline. My child is the sweetest boy who reacts normally to another baby crowding his mommy's lap. How lost she is when it comes to knowledge of her oldest daughter. I think of how much I miss my brother now, even after the terrible things he has done, I wish the greatest healing story in his life. It angers me a little that she could twist a natural sibling rivalry reaction of mine into making me feel evil inside my whole life. Yes, I have heard those stories before about when my brother came. I have been called terrible things. Every jealous reaction she ever witnessed on my behalf was the same thing...evil among us!
I have to admit, I had low expectations of my visit with Zechariah. He had been the one who had denied me the longest. He is the one who claims to be the closest to mom. I could never lie about my feelings towards her. I thought our visit might end badly. I walked up to a boy who was twice the size he had been the last time I saw him. He sounded like he had traded in his high, squeeky voice that couldn't pronounce its "R's" for a much deeper, stabler one. We sat and talked comfortably for about 3 hours. Most of the conversation was dedicated to my mother but even that didn't seem to phase either of us. He spoke of her stressful financial situation. She is about to file for a second bankruptcy after her home was forclosed on about 2 months ago. Half of what she earns goes towards the care the kids receive. The more she earns, the more they take. I told him that I wouldn't wish any of that on my worst enemy. We spoke about the money missing from Rebecca's bank account. She had made $15,210 over the past 2 years and only $348 remains. Naeemah has decided to force my mother to pay $100 in return bacuse she could not come up with a good answer as to where the rest of the money went. Zechariah is worred how she will make those payments. I just replied that she can't take $15,000 and get off scott-free. More and more trouble seem to be piled on top of her. I can feel sympathy for the stress but I cannot seem to believe she hasn't earned it with the life she has lead.
It turns out that she didn't call me back because of something her Pastor said. He said that she couldn't call because I had invaded her when I came to the house to pick up Rebecca. Something tells me that the truth or the whole truth has been lost each time the excuse has changed hands. I called her a second time and tried to explain why I had had to come to her house. I apologized for "invading" and told her those feelings were valid but sometimes situations like that arise and you just deal with it. If life was meant to be comfortable...ugh, how boring! Anyway, I told her the ball is in her court. Zecariah ended with a little confession. He had been listening to me talk about or Christmas' and a family reunion and mentioned that he was a little jealous. Natural, of course. I can't begin to imagine how lonely their holidays. I told him that around the holidays I get a little misty but it can't even compare to what they all go through. I told him that I don't know what will happen in the future. Right now any kind of reconciliation seems impossible but then I had thought he and I were lost to eachother forever and that it hadn't even been 5 years. I had to say that there is a lot that needs to happen. She needs to admit what she has done and get some help...real help! My children are off limits as well. I really don't know where the road in the Quinn family will lead. I am not going to be pressured or guilted into inculding my children in it...dysfunction may always be dysfunction and my children deserve the best chance!!
Friday, February 19, 2010
Not all like that...
I somehow how have missed the realization or just the chance to voice it...that not all parents are like mine. Sometimes far and in between there is a mother who lives to nurture her children. When she is away all she can think of is kissing the chubby cheeks of her most beautiful daughter. All she can think of is the next change she'll get to run after her active 3 year old boy until she collapses in exhaustion. Some mother's burst fill of love and life lessons. Some father's do dance with their little girls...even if the thought of holding that precious baby girl minutes after she cried her first breath scares him to death..."What if she breaks?". Some daddy's wrestle on the floor and are there when their children leap into the air...because daddy is always there. We don't always mirror the parents we were given. Sometimes we are better because we take the taste of love when we feel that first baby kick...we take the love and never look back. We grab love by whatever it gives us to hold onto and we run...we run through fear and rejection, joy and happiness.
This love leads to the natural desire for the ones around us to know...love and truth. I think of what my mother has missed out on. Way back 30 years ago...it began, or in her case continued. The birth of a daughter and looking back she is more proud of a "natural" birth. I am serious. My sister told me that when i had my son Eli my mother was convinced I would ask for drugs because I wasn't strong like her. How insignificant!!! Thirty years later...do I care or does it make any difference in our relationship the way I came into the world? It hurts me as a woman when someone judges me on such a personal choice...when in the end I had to give up my deep deep desire to give birth the old fashioned way when they told me Eli would not survive if i didn't agree to a C-section. I have never second guessed. What a shame that is one of the few "victories" she can claim in her life. What about the 6 children she "raised". What an amazing colidescope of personalities and abilities...and she missed it all. I am a teacher and a mother...my sister likes to write, my brother loves to cook...and there are three more with talents all different than the last...and she missed it. Almost all of us have survived a hell of our own...because of something deep inside...we have over come things that would make most adults crumble and she misses it all. Two AMAZING "grandchildren" who don't know she exists...wouldn't that be enought for her to "let it go"...nope, she is missing it all. I called her yesterday and offered a chance but she never called me back. I told her it was time to stop putting the kids in the middle. If she had something to say or ask me she needed to come to me. I told her I was reaching out and would she meet me even a quarter of the way...I knew she was angry inside but there is a way to feel happiness. I told her that I was not afraid of her and that she wasn't afraid of me, that I knew of. It was time to act as adults. I knew I would regret leaving here and not trying. I gave her a choice and she chose the way she always has...that isn't my problem. It can never be said that I didn't reach out...I will never have to lie to my children if they ask if I tried to make amends.
This love leads to the natural desire for the ones around us to know...love and truth. I think of what my mother has missed out on. Way back 30 years ago...it began, or in her case continued. The birth of a daughter and looking back she is more proud of a "natural" birth. I am serious. My sister told me that when i had my son Eli my mother was convinced I would ask for drugs because I wasn't strong like her. How insignificant!!! Thirty years later...do I care or does it make any difference in our relationship the way I came into the world? It hurts me as a woman when someone judges me on such a personal choice...when in the end I had to give up my deep deep desire to give birth the old fashioned way when they told me Eli would not survive if i didn't agree to a C-section. I have never second guessed. What a shame that is one of the few "victories" she can claim in her life. What about the 6 children she "raised". What an amazing colidescope of personalities and abilities...and she missed it all. I am a teacher and a mother...my sister likes to write, my brother loves to cook...and there are three more with talents all different than the last...and she missed it. Almost all of us have survived a hell of our own...because of something deep inside...we have over come things that would make most adults crumble and she misses it all. Two AMAZING "grandchildren" who don't know she exists...wouldn't that be enought for her to "let it go"...nope, she is missing it all. I called her yesterday and offered a chance but she never called me back. I told her it was time to stop putting the kids in the middle. If she had something to say or ask me she needed to come to me. I told her I was reaching out and would she meet me even a quarter of the way...I knew she was angry inside but there is a way to feel happiness. I told her that I was not afraid of her and that she wasn't afraid of me, that I knew of. It was time to act as adults. I knew I would regret leaving here and not trying. I gave her a choice and she chose the way she always has...that isn't my problem. It can never be said that I didn't reach out...I will never have to lie to my children if they ask if I tried to make amends.
Wednesday, February 17, 2010
Well, ladies my trip is half over. I feel a bit sad today. I am waiting to have lunch with friends and I can't help but feel an aching. I can't pinpoint exactly where it is coming from. I feel like there is a life I have missed out on. I have been feeling this aching a lot as I travel to various spots in my town that remind me of good things. I just ache...that is the best way to describe what I am feeling.
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
It never seems to end
I got a call this morning from Zechriah. He wanted to ask me a question. I called him back. He said that he wasn't aware that Caleb would be there when Rebecca left my mother's house. I put a hault to the conversation to say that I was sorry that mother had put him in the middle of the situation. He called me around 10:30 am. Somewhere between last night and first thing this morning my mother had called to tell him how upset she was with what had happened. What a shame. I explained to him it was not our intention to show up but that Rebecca had too many things to fit them all in Naeemah's car. I also told him that he could give her my number. If she had something to say or had a question that she could come to me instead of putting him in the middle of all of this. Really makes me made that the manipulation continues.
I have to tell you that I am enjoying time with family but I am eager to get back home to my husband and my kids!!! I am eager to leave the drama behind. I haven't written a blog on my own healing in a while. The events of this week are a blessing to be a part of...but the healing is theirs. The steps my sister has taken...I can almost see her crossing a bride and burning it behind her. I know my mother is alone now...but that isn't my fault. I would almost like for her to call me. I'd like to ask her what she thinks would be different now if the things I "accused" her of had not been the truth. What in her life, and the kids lives, would not have happened if Child Protective Services had not found their own evidence and if judge after judge had not weighed the evidence and found her unfit.
All this to say that I am still in the dilema of whether to contact her myself while I am here. I don't know what is best. She probably won't meet with me anyway but would the gesture mean anything? She could never say that I won't speak to her. Well she can and probably will say it but it won't be true. I need advice ladies. I hate to ask for it so quickly but I really want to do the smart thing here. What do you think?
I have to tell you that I am enjoying time with family but I am eager to get back home to my husband and my kids!!! I am eager to leave the drama behind. I haven't written a blog on my own healing in a while. The events of this week are a blessing to be a part of...but the healing is theirs. The steps my sister has taken...I can almost see her crossing a bride and burning it behind her. I know my mother is alone now...but that isn't my fault. I would almost like for her to call me. I'd like to ask her what she thinks would be different now if the things I "accused" her of had not been the truth. What in her life, and the kids lives, would not have happened if Child Protective Services had not found their own evidence and if judge after judge had not weighed the evidence and found her unfit.
All this to say that I am still in the dilema of whether to contact her myself while I am here. I don't know what is best. She probably won't meet with me anyway but would the gesture mean anything? She could never say that I won't speak to her. Well she can and probably will say it but it won't be true. I need advice ladies. I hate to ask for it so quickly but I really want to do the smart thing here. What do you think?
Monday, February 15, 2010
Breaking out!
Well, Ladies...we did it!!! What a day. We picked Rebecca up from work and took her out to the house she had shared with my mother. Caleb and I waited at a nearby church to follow Rebecca's wishes that we not go to the house. We called Naeemah to remind her to get a few essential papers and she said that Rebecca had too many things and that it would not all fit in their car. I offered to put some in my car and Caleb offered to store some things until she could come back and pick them up. Naeemah thought that would be a good idea but I told her she should ask Rebecca first. Rebecca agreed and we were on our way. Caleb and I reminded each other to be calm. We pulled up to the trailer and I felt immediate compassion for what my mother now called home. It is an unfortunate downgrade from owning her own home. She now lives in a rundown trailer overshadowed by a huge silo on a stinky farm. When we pulled up Rebecca was bringing out box after box. My mother was making her take ALL of her earthly possessions. I remember she made me do the same thing when I left for college. I had to bring everything I owned with me or it would be "thrown out". How embarrassing to show up to college with three times as much stuff as the other girls had. Rebecca must have felt the same way as we all watched her bring her things outside. She said that mom was sitting on the couch watching TV and she hadn't noticed Caleb and I had shown up. She went inside to get her dogs and came out looking rather angry. I heard her curse under her breath and say she was ready to leave. I asked her what had happened and she just walked past me to get into the car. We met up again at the church where Caleb and I had waited. We got out and Rebecca came to apologize to Caleb and I...we immediately told her no apology was needed. She said that mom had asked her if she knew anything about this...this being Caleb and I showing up. She told us that she said she didn't know but mom had still yelled at her. What a way to spend your last seconds with your daughter!!! Rebecca left without saying goodbye. I told Rebecca it was okay and that mom had just given her another reason to leave. I think that is my mother's way of "coping" so-to-speak. The sitting on the couch watching TV while Rebecca packed up the car...she was trying to send her the message that she doesn't care whether she stays or leaves. She cannot find the freedom to express the pain she is feeling so she reacts in anger or just ignores. She couldn't see past herself when she saw Caleb and I standing out there...she thinks it is all about her and she confronted Rebecca instead of saying goodbye. She stayed inside the WHOLE time. She didn't come to see Rebecca off even before we got there. Bizarre to an outsider...predictable to those of us who know her better than she knows herself!!
Rebecca's new home is like a "mansion" as she describes it. She says that she feels like an alien...someone trying to live in a foreign place. The kids she is living with are her age but just completely different beings having been given love and freedom in their lives. She may struggle to survive at times. Naeemah and Rebecca's mother was an alcoholic. Naeemah lived with her mother for a while but was emancipated and became the guardian of the younger children with the exception of Rebecca. Naeemah knows how to maneuver a dysfunctional parent and has been through similar experiences. Rebecca is in good hands. I think it will take a few days to set in but Rebecca is no longer in an oppressive lifestyle...now comes the hard part, owning what her past has created in her and changing what she needs to change. This part of healing is probably the hardest part...taking the steps towards responsibility!!! It was not easy, as we all know, to do what she did today...even if my mother made it a little easier by just being herself.
Rebecca's new home is like a "mansion" as she describes it. She says that she feels like an alien...someone trying to live in a foreign place. The kids she is living with are her age but just completely different beings having been given love and freedom in their lives. She may struggle to survive at times. Naeemah and Rebecca's mother was an alcoholic. Naeemah lived with her mother for a while but was emancipated and became the guardian of the younger children with the exception of Rebecca. Naeemah knows how to maneuver a dysfunctional parent and has been through similar experiences. Rebecca is in good hands. I think it will take a few days to set in but Rebecca is no longer in an oppressive lifestyle...now comes the hard part, owning what her past has created in her and changing what she needs to change. This part of healing is probably the hardest part...taking the steps towards responsibility!!! It was not easy, as we all know, to do what she did today...even if my mother made it a little easier by just being herself.
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