Been a while, I know. I decided to have a "handmade Christmas" this year. I grossly underestimated how many man hours such a task would require! My sewing machine has been working as hard as I have.
Some good things have been happening. I promised a friend I would make a gift for her to give a mutual friend about to have a little boy. I sat at my sewing machine making a little pair of baby shoes. I held this small project in my hands and I was overcome. I was overcome with joy...joy in having this ability to create. I was so thankful for the way my mind can work out and put together such a project. I was so grateful to God for giving me a talent. I know everyone is good at something but I seriously believed that applied to everyone else. I was set aside...undeserving of a talent or a gift. I was simply the leftovers. Like the fabric I throw away after a project...to small a piece to create a thing it is no good to anyone and would just take up space or create a mess. I was the cast aside and I had accepted my fate. I should not inquire or ask for more from anyone. Yet there I was...the seamstress! I was so proud of myself and so thankful to God all in one instant. I even took a risk by putting my handmade goods online to sell. A few friends bought what I had made but that still gave me the confidence to say I was "good"...that I was good at something not everyone else can do. What an amazing feeling...to have the feeling of being touched and woven together with a specific set of qualifications!! I wept in worship.
Then...there came a hard blow. My sweet Eli will need another surgery. His infections has returned and his ears are filled with fluid. A simple surgery so he won't be phased much at all. The blow came when I was told we needed to pay his doc $150 and the hospital $500 before the day of the surgery, December 30th. The total cost for his surgery to us is $1,471. I think I lost a year of my life when the nurse told me this news. HOW? How can we pay this and still feed our children? Where will the initial $650 ever come from? To be able to incorporate my faith here would be very calming, but I am a worrier. I can remember my faith when problems seem smaller. I asked myself why do I freak out and feel alone and solely responsible when it comes to financial things like this. I didn't wait long for an answer. Growing up we were poor. My mom stressed about the bills and included me in on her worries. "If we don't get money from somewhere we are going to be on the street next month." Things like this would haunt me. To this day my biggest fear is being homeless. When we come up short I resort to trying to "fix" it. I scramble and panic...I run away from faith (which in my mind means doing nothing). I think I incorporate having so little money with being forgotten. My mother told us God wasn't taking care of us. God was punishing us, etc when there was no money. I feel that now. I feel like I am on my own. I feel like I am being punished for something. To have faith in this situation...what in the world does that look like? To believe God will pay this bill seems so absurd and irresponsible. I feel like I am on my own. I am scared. I am scared to live paycheck to paycheck. I am afraid I won't be able to feed my children. I am afraid others think I am bad because we struggle with money. I don't know how to have faith here. I want the calm and the peace faith would bring me now. I need to see a way...I need to know how God will take care of us. I need to know so that if His way isn't what I want I can complain and find another way. It sounds so ridiculous when I say that out loud but my fear drives me here. Eli needs this...that is all that keeps me from picking up the phone and cancelling the surgery. Love keeps me doing the right thing. God that is all that I have right now...I love my son and I move forward in giving him the best I can. Take care of him, take care of me. Please provide so we are never without a roof and beds to sleep in...
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