I thought a little more on my post the other day. Once I release the words onto this blog screen I am filled with peace...always! No matter if I write to lament or to question...or to praise. God asked me more than a year ago to just write. I didn't know His voice then or that He moves me in desire that way...but God was the one who named this blog. God was the one who made me look down at my sweet Madeline and just pour out! Some of you have written me or even called me to say thank you or voice the own cry of your hearts...a cry that this blog put into words. Ladies, thank you. I don't always know who is "listening" and when you respond, in agreement or not, I am affirmed...no matter what is said. I have even been blessed enough to have my writing compared to David's...what a treasured blessing. One that allows my ego to float up to heaven and thank God again for the healing in me...the healing I can feel, that I can see, that I can believe.
In response to what I wrote the other day. I am afraid I left some people thinking I didn't believe in God's power. I thank those who let me know and allow me to clarify now. I know these blogs are my thoughts and they are not always fact...as in this is one side of "the story". I think of it this way...there are billions of us. I believe God fashioned each millimeter of each of the billions. I believe God is mighty...He is so mighty that my meager words could never contain what God has done, what He is doing, and what He will do. Why would I ever want to or try to contain God. I believe in miracles. Two of them have come from my own body. With their first kicks inside of me and their first cries of life I have been in awe of the treasures we receive in this life. I just cannot imagine the life I will live in Eternity if my life on earth can be this...FULL. I believe God can move mountains. I believe that if God felt Mount Kilimanjaro belonged in my backyard He could pick it up and place it here...I believe. God obviously feels otherwise. I believe God can sew up the gaping wounds of every woman I see in pain. He'd thread the needle of ultimate healing and He would tenderly sew up those wounds and they would hurt no more. I believe He does that for some people...He does. Praise the Sewers Hand! I believe He leads others on a different path. Make no mistake, I have BEGGED, PLEADED, and BARGAINED with God to sew up my wounds so that I would bleed no more. I wanted healing and I wanted to see HIS face. I wanted to see God when I begged Him to show me Himself. God did not sew up my wounds at once. I bleed still. Why? Why would God not answer me when I was so so so ready to receive? He tells me now, "Ashley, my sweet, you did not know me." I didn't know Him. I had been saved, no doubt about that, but I still had lies in my head. My mother had to stop beating my body when people started to notice. It was at that time she would beat my soul. She told me God would "get me". She told me God hated me...she told me God thought I was lazy. She told me that if she found something I had done wrong it was because God had told her...I would then be slapped, kicked, spit on, ridiculed, etc...because God had told on me. Is that God? Is that the kind of Father I am meant to worship...to serve? NO, ladies, that was not God. God never laid a wrathful hand on me. God never beat me. That was my mother...my clinically insane mother. Her hand broke my skin and made me bleed. Her words cut my soul. She blamed God so she could sleep at night. All I had ever been told of God was lies. Lies I had no other choice but to believe. Why would I WANT to believe my mother could hate me so much...it was easier to believe someone I could not see was the one destroying me. I thought there might be hope...that my mother might love me. She did not! God was crucified so that I might live. God took the blame because He knew that if I knew the truth, that my mother hated me, that I might be lost. Isn't that love? God takes on all the burden knowing in the end He wins the prize...and to think the prize was me. I have wrestled with God...I have screamed at Him...I have turned away...I have questioned...and I have believed the lies. Ladies, God was never fed up. God never let an inch between us. He wants the prize! He prepares my home in Heaven..."this is my Ashley's place". God's love leaps over the stains our earthly lives leave. I think of the strangers I pass at the store...God prepares their homes. He cleans it out and calls it their own. God can do all that but is never distracted from me. We cannot understand why some things happen. We cannot understand why some of us take longer and some of us heal sooner. It is the journey that MAKES GOD REAL TO EACH ONE!!! I don't want your journey...I want God. Tell me it is taking too long and you tell me I am not good enough...you put more truth to the lies my mother told me than to the love of God you preach. "Love me like Jesus"! We all fall short of what God wanted us to always be. We all make mistakes and yet we can all come back. It takes just as much of God's patience to let us keep coming back as it does for me to walk at my pace so that He becomes my TRUTH. I am worth it...you are worth it. Don't steal her value because you cannot contain patience. None of us can ever save an other's soul...we don't have what it takes...and that is okay!
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