A new song...

It has been a long week since Eli's surgery. Wednesday we met with a speech therapist. A sweet woman who has taken a liking to my son...did everything to avoid the phrase "learning disability". We know maybe why he is so far behind but in the technical sense he has a learning disability. He has to be put in this category so they know what to do with and for him. It makes me shutter! Of course no one wants this for their kids. I was so thankful we could rule out autism before we walked through the door. I know it could be worse and that echoes in my heart when I see other children that have passed over Eli in development. I can be thankful he can look into my eyes sometimes and that he loves to get dirty...he is normal at most things. At times it is hard to swallow that my son will struggle so early with learning. Three years old should be all about dirt and dinosaurs...not speech therapy and home exercises. I hate having to list what words he does say and then have to write the phonetic way he pronounces those words. I was driving home yesterday from dropping Eli off at school wondering why I send him there at all. It hasn't helped and he just gets lost in all the other kids who can speak to the teacher and go home and tell their moms about their fun morning. I wish there was a physical way to unlock the ability to speak that is lost somewhere inside my son. I want the quick fix. I want to hear my baby speak!! I was annoyed with myself for being so upset and so gloomy over all of this. I put too much worth in this early learning challenge for Eli. I struggled all through school and college. Evan has a learning disability (ADHD) and also struggled through school. We both know the emotional toll that learning challenges can have on your self esteem...these often lasts many years into adulthood. Why our son? We know a little of the road ahead for him and it comes with pain. Oh how we had hoped this would not be the road for our children. Madeline seems to excel and catch on to things rather quickly. Another kick at Eli's self esteem as he might see things come easy to his sister while he struggles. Again, I was annoyed that I had become "that" mother. I was already preparing for my son to be a less than average student...after one meeting with a speech therapist. I know my struggles in school have left me extra sensitive to wanting better for my children. I couldn't figure out what my problem was. Eli was still the same boy and needed me now as much as he had needed me the first months of his life when my body was what gave him life and then sustained it. I knew the road ahead wouldn't be easy but I laughed when I remembered that breastfeeding was more challenging than childbirth! I remembered holding him in my lap and crying over him because he wouldn't latch on. I cried during every feeding afraid my son would die because he wasn't getting what he needed to live. (Hormones make you a little nutts). Then one day...he just got it and he never looked back! Eli has always been that way. Once he gets something right, in his own time, he just takes it and runs. It is as if he never remembers a time when he couldn't do something...he has no hesitation. I need to have faith in my son and in God who knows why all this happened. As I turned onto my street I heard a song on the radio and the first few verses unlocked that door that holds back my tears...why do I keep locking that door?

"Before the Morning" by Josh Wilson

Do you wonder why you have to
Feel the things that hurt you
If there’s a God who loves you where is He now

Maybe there are things you can’t see
And all those things are happening
To bring a better ending

Someday somehow you’ll see you’ll see

Would you dare would you dare to believe
That you still have a reason to sing
Cause the pain that you’ve been feeling
It can’t compare to the joy that’s coming
So hold on you gotta wait for the light
Press on and just fight the good fight
Cause the pain that you’ve been feeling
It’s just the dark before the morning

My friend you know how this all ends
You know where you’re going
You just don’t know how you’ll get there
So say a prayer

And hold on cause there’s good for those who love God
But life is not a snapshot
It might take a little time but you’ll see the bigger picture

Once you feel the weight of glory
All your pain will fade to memory

It’s just the hurt before the healing
Oh the pain that you’ve been feeling
It’s just the dark before the morning

Do you wonder why you have to feel the things that hurt you. If there’s a God who loves you where is He now? Maybe there are things you can’t see. And all those things are happening to bring a better ending. Someday somehow you’ll see. Story of my life...literally! I have said before and I will say it again...I wouldn't change the things that have happened to me...not for all the money in the world. I'd never trade the pain for what I have learned and for the woman I am becoming. I could never look at my daughter and just tear up in joy of her freedom if I hadn't been abused as a little girl. I couldn't feel the pride in my son when he does little things to help his sister...I couldn't look forward to the man he'll become if I didn't know what it was like to have no one have any hope for me...it just wouldn't mean the same.

There is a small tunnel down the road from our house. I have walked through it once during an overcast day. I remember the goosebumps covering my skin as I stepped out of the sun into the shadow of the tunnel. The dirt and dead leaves make the inside if the tunnel very unappealing and a little scary. There was, of course, light at the end of the tunnel and the sunlight soon warmed me up and the fresh breeze hit my face...a much better smell than a dusky tunnel. I wondered though, on a hot day...wouldn't the shade of a dark tunnel be a welcome change. I thought of this as I heard the rest of this song. In life we often find ourselves inside tunnels..we could turn back because the darkness looks too unappealing but then we would never see what is on the other side...a fresh breeze waits for us there! I love how God won't always push us...though we need it sometimes and thus God pushes!!...but His patience is endearing to me. God knows when it is a good time to wait and when it is a good time to push...He certainly knows better than any one of us. He knows what waits on the other side, anticipating the peaceful breeze!

You wouldn't believe it (well you probably would) but I heard the new Amy grant song...the words just floored me and solidified what I have become to believe about a relationship with God:

"Better than a Hallelujah"
God loves a lullaby
In a mother's tears in the dead of night
Better than a hallelujah sometimes
God loves the drunkard's cry
The soldiers plea not to let him die
Better than a hallelujah sometimes

We pour out or miseries
God just hears a melody
Beautiful the mess we are
The honest fries of breaking hearts
Better than a hallelujah

The woman holding on for life
The dying man giving up the fight
Are better than a hallelujah sometimes
The tears of shame for whats been done
The silence when the words won't come
Are better than a hallelujah sometimes

Better than a church bell ringing
Better than a choir singing, singing out

God deserves many hallelujahs!!! But I think of my most dear friendships. My most dear friends have seen me raging mad, they have seen me weep violently over my abuse, they have heard me admit that I want my father...they hold precious pieces of my heart. I m so REAL with the people that I trust the most. Why be fake? I can pretend to be okay, I can play a "Christian" but all that brings is bitterness and anger so deep I can feel it tighten my muscles. In my mind, pretending to be okay is another wall...a wall I'd put up to just keep people away from me. It also confuses me...if I have to be okay all the time I never take the chance to understand why I hurt...I never feel. Feeling pain is painful but it is glorious the release of it all! God already knows what hurts me...when I cry when I get angry, when I shout out, when I am miserable I might as well get a big cup of tea and curl up with a blanket because God and I have just been real! Let the mascara run ladies...be REAL! Be vulnerable and find a soft place to land with friends whom you trust and a God who is thankful for every shout and every tear. I'd rather be a mess and be peaceful than have it held together with lies!