My son

I think I updated you all after Eli's surgery. He did so well and we were ready to go home 2 hours after getting to the hospital. I expected to noticed a significant difference in Eli, but we haven't seen a change yet. His teacher actually had to ask me if he had had the surgery. They were expecting the same thing. I guess I am getting a little fearful that the problem is deeper. I am afraid that Eli has a learning disability.

I have been on the verge of tears...and many times have been past that point since Friday. Evan and I still have not shared with his parents, his sister, and other family about Eli's hearing and speech delays. His brother and wife know as they live right next door. I think I blogged about this situation, but allow me to refresh. We enrolled Eli in preschool last May after seeking advice from the educational director at our church. She had seen other children with Eli"s similar delays catch up after being around other children. Evan and I decided to give Eli one semester to make an improvement. December came and we had not seen any improvement at all. In fact, we had had many discouragements along the way. Several moms came up to me and said they heard about Eli all the time from their child...my son had never mentioned one name or one child from his class...he could not speak to me. I'd cry every time but promised to give my son a chance. In October Evan's mother came for a visit. The morning she left she was waiting for me in my driveway as I was getting home from dropping Eli off at school. I saw that her car was sitting at the bottom of my driveway. I thought she must be in a big hurry because she had spent the night next door...why park her car there if she weren't ready to GO! We had spent 4 hours together the night before. She asked if I had noticed that Eli doesn't talk much...that in fact every time they came back to the states he was talking less. I looked at the car at the foot of the driveway and then at the little girl in my arms and I wondered why she wasn't snuggled in grandma's arms and I decided this was not the time or the circumstances to open my heart to my mother-in-law. She was halfway "out the door" and this situation deserved...care. I told her his teachers were aware of the problem and that they said he was doing fine. I offered nothing more. I was offended that she considered herself an expert on Eli's problem after 4 hours with him and the whole family. I dismissed it as best I could. About a month later..."it" hit the fan when I got a call from Eli's great grandmother concerned about Eli's speech progress. Another conversation with Eli's great Aunt confirmed my suspicions that the gossip had been lit like wildfire. I finally found out the contents of that gossip when my sister-in-law told me Eli's great grandma told her she was concerned for Eli because Evan and I were not getting him help. I was so so so hurt. I know that grandma had been fed this information... All these months of pain at my son being passed over by his younger peers and now his own family was whispering about him. My son, my baby has a problem and I felt like there was no safe place for him. Even his grandpa was ready to strike a gossip match when he tried to provoke information out of my sister-in-law by asking, "So what do you think of Eli's speech?". Why don't they ask me? I mean, ask me out of concern and give me the consideration and environment to answer! No one asks! I care more about giving Eli room to grow or fail than answering the rumors. We began the journey towards surgery in January...as we had planned. I heard the words, "Your son is partially deaf" and I felt a sucker punch. How could I have not known? His ENT doctor said it was as if Eli had been hearing as if he were under water...but for how long? No one really knows. He had fluid so thick behind his ear drums the doctor said he had no questions that Eli hadn't been able to hear most of what anyone was saying. How could I not have known?!

I felt peaceful during the surgery. His doctor had asked to pray over Eli before the surgery. I needed to know I was not alone. I needed to know that God saw my baby...that no matter what was going on in the family that my baby was a priority. Later that night Evan and I again talked about whether to tell his parents or not. Evan would like to address the rumors...what could it hurt. I just feel the onslaught of questions from the family and I don't feel like answering. I feel like the more information they have the more proof they'll have to think I am a sub par mother. I haven't been able to get passed feeling like I have failed my son. I can't get past the pain of never hearing my son tell me he loves me...or telling me about his friends at school. I can't help but tear up when I think of all the "Mommy loves yous" I have WHISPERED in his ears that he never heard. We are still very much in the middle of all of this. I don't need to be worrying about what is being said about my son. I cried...no I wept to Evan and begged him not to say anything yet. I cried that I didn't want anyone to say that my son was stupid (sorry, weeping does not allow for political correctness)!! I am still afraid that the delay goes much deeper. I can't offer up my precious boy to this family...known for their insensitivity. It just isn't a priority now to include people 1600 miles away. Eli's church family knows his struggles. I'd like to see Eli get past this "delay" and be able to communicate before we explain the process. I'd like Evan and I to be the only ones scrutinizing his progress with the speech therapist. Information is power...I feel like this information our lifeline as parents. What if Eli is learning disabled...don't we deserve the privacy to process that and deal with that in our own way as we help our son overcome?