Tomorrow morning Eli will have tubes put in both of his ears. In a process begun last May, we have finally figured out why Eli has a speech delay. We took him to several doctors and discovered that he has fluid behind his ear drums. The doctor suspects he has had this fluid most if not all his life. Eli is essentially half deaf. This diagnosis answers so many questions. The surgery was scheduled very quickly.
We have had about a week to process the fact that Eli will have surgery. It is a very quick surgery without an IV. Eli will be ready to come home a few hours after we arrive at the hospital. I have still found myself a little hesitant. My baby boy...put to sleep...cutting in his ears...it all freaks me out. I am putting him in the hands of doctors...a man I met for the first time a week ago. One of my most valuable treasures put in the hands of a stranger. Why didn't I become a audiologist???
I guess this is one of those firsts. We've dealt with a little of this with Madeline's heart but never surgery. Watching my child be wheeled away from me might be one of the toughest moments of my life so far. Knowing I can't be beside him and hold his hand will torture me. Knowing I am not in control annoys me!!! I have also felt guilty for worrying so much about my son this week. I have gotten to the point of feeling very angry inside at people who would chastise me for worrying. I dropped Eli off at school this morning. One of the teachers mentioned she had heard Eli would be having surgery soon. I told her about his procedure and she mentioned her son had had the same thing done. I love to hear mothers say what a world of difference the tubes made in their children. I have even packed a book to read to Eli after he wakes up from the anesthesia...I want to see if he notices a difference. Anyway, she wished us luck and offered to pray. I thanked her and she mentioned how nervous she had been. Just the idea of surgery and anesthesia and that being her first experience as a mother and her child having surgery...it was enough to wrack your nerves. I was thankful for the reminder that I don't have to be solid as a rock all the time. Why do some Christians think it is helpful to shame others for worrying? I mean I know what the Bible says about worry. I know God takes care of it all. But is God not waiting there for me on the other side of my worry? Do they think I will get to trust faster if I am quilted into it? That isn't how I work. It feels like a hands off approach to relationship. Why not ask me why I am worried? Why not stop and pray for me there? For someone like me it NEVER helps to guilt me into things!!! I am stubborn. My stubbornness is a blessing, I feel. I don't sink into religion or trust...just because you tell me something "is" does not mean I believe you. I need to see or experience it on my own...so it is real to me. My stubbornness serves as endurance...I endure till I have answers. Because I have found what I was looking for...or What was looking for me, it is mine. I will never lose it because I have seen the truth. God found me this way. God has shown me so much truth this way. The end result was not polluted with other people it was just me and God. Isn't that as it should be. Not all people are like me, I respect that. Why would I want a bunch of identicals walking around? Why would God want everyone the same? Free will looks like God's biggest mistake but it was His great gift...maybe to Himself. What is more real: someone required to say they love you or someone who chooses and feels love for you? God has no time and no room for fakes. I am no longer a fake. I don't play a part. I am not all God wants me to be but there are parts of me that are solid...a foundation, if you will. God builds upon what is solid and sure.
Please pray for Eli tomorrow morning. The surgery is scheduled for 9:15am...another challenge will be dealing with my cranky child since he is not allowed to eat anything until after his surgery..
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