February 15th

Rebecca gave her 2 weeks notice today at work. What an woman of integrity...instead of leaving in secret she'd rather be and adult! They asked her for an actual date to take her off the schedule, so we decided together that Monday February 15 would work best. I will already be in town, probably by the 13th. The tax return was about $200 more than we expected...a small but useful blessing! I noticed that some airlines have Valentine's Day sales so I might not have to spend 14 hours on a train!!!!! My sister will be safe and on her way to an enormously beautiful healing!

I was reading in Job last night and was struck at the last chapter. God restored to Job new family but obviously not the loved ones he had lost. He would still love and miss the wife and children that had passed away. God's restoration came and Job was blessed but things were not made exactly like they had been before. I would never imagined when I was praying for God to restore my family that it would be only a few years. I also would never have dreamt that God would restore a different family from my own. I get to go and "rescue" my sister and send her off with another sister. It feels lonely now. I know my decision to shed light on the abuse in my home was right and it sent my siblings in all different directions. We may never all be together again. I think of the sacrifice I made...a sacrifice that gave them all new opportunity one way or another...now they go their separate ways. Will this be the feeling I get as Eli drives off to college? I am not in a mourning state of mind. I am proud to see them living lives headed for freedom...but selfishly I want them here with me. It can't be that way. I am happy too. Things are being restored and made right. The scars are there but are slowly fading as new life is brought to the surface. Who knows, by Christmas we could be sharing our tree with a few of the Quinn family...a dream of mine...another restoration! Two and a half weeks I have to prepare to take Rebecca and then let her go. God thank you for you love...and your restoration.

A vision of the end

I am telling you that I enjoyed roller coasters in my youth but as an adult they made me queasy...emotional roller coasters have the same sickening effect. One week ago today began a literal daily up and down. The last I left things, I was down...well I am up again! Becca called me this afternoon. My mother left her alone while she went to talk to her pastor (ugh!) and Becca was able to call me during that time. I was able to initiate a 3 way call between all the sisters! (First off, this call came minutes after finding out my biological brother was arrested and charged with DUI and hit and run in late September!) Some of the first words of of my mouth were to tell my sister how sorry I was that she had to be in this situation. Becca told us that mother had been telling her that she (Becca) is confused and not thinking clearly and doesn't know what she is talking about. She went on to tell Becca that if she went to live with her sister they would be "unequally yolked"! Um, talk about taking something out of context!! I let Becca know that was concerning marriage and Naeemah reminded her that "real" Christians are not supposed to judge! My mother had been trying to convince Becca to go live with a lady from their church. Becca showed no interest...just another way to be controlled! Becca told us about being grounded for not keeping her bed clean and being made to sleep on the floor. They were watching the show "Criminal Minds" and the show was a story of teens who played a choking game. Mother turned to Becca and told her if she ever decided to do that that my mother would choke her herself! Last night my mother slept in their living room by the front door so Rebecca couldn't leave...this only 3 hours after telling Naeemah that she would not stop Rebecca from leaving. Rebecca says she definitely want to "get out of here". She sees now that the other kids are never coming back and that she does not want to be 30 still living in that house. We told her how proud we were that she had chosen to tell the truth. Naeemah even said that she had learned something by Rebecca's honesty. I see now that it needed to be this way. I think now that everything is out in the open (well, she still doesn't know that I am directly involved...little surprise for her when that comes to light!!) Rebecca can process this and think through how she wants to proceed. We told her we'll so this however she wants it done. We learned that she is an adult now and deserves a big say in how this goes down!! I am proud of her like I have never been before.

Now it is a waiting game. We told her that if things get bad and she wants to leave before I can make it up there to go ahead and call Naeemah and she'll be there in 2 hours. Otherwise, I can be up there about Valentines Day and we can go about the plan we'd had from the beginning.

I am beginning to lose sight of why we are doing this. The more I hear the angrier I get at my mother and all that she has done and said. I want to go into this with a clear head and a clear heart. I want to do this for Rebecca and not "to" my mother. I am happy for the 2 1/2 weeks that I still have to wait until I can hop on the train and be reunited with my sister. God allow these two weeks to be a time to clear out some of the anger so that I can think and speak clearly. May all be done that is best for Rebecca.

Guess what came in the mail today...Evan's W2's. We'll head to the tax place tonight and have our return in about 2 weeks...hopefully less! Pray it comes in God's timing....oh, and that there is enough!!! Lol:) Thank you all for your persistent thoughts and prayers. I see an end in sight for the hold my mother has over my sister. May this begin a road of healing for Rebecca and possibly for mother.

A setback...

Around 9pm last night I got a call from Naeemah. She had just spoken to Rebecca. After my mother picked Rebecca up from work and she had gotten in the car, Rebecca felt sick to her stomach at the thought of going home again. SHE TOLD HER SHE WAS LEAVING!!! She told her everything! The problem comes after the confession. We had no plan in place for another 3 weeks. Naeemah was even able to speak to my mother who told her that she had never told Rebecca she couldn't visit or speak to her over the phone (LIE!!!). My mother said that she would not stop Rebecca from leaving (I can hear you all laughing out load now!). I tried calling her and, of course, no one picked up. Naeemah was able to talk to Rebecca a second time...and the snake showed her skin! All the sudden Rebecca wasn't sure she wanted to leave and that she needed to find the "christian" way to leave. Naeemah could hear my mother saying these things in the background. My mother had started a "prayer chain" when they had gotten home asking people to pray because Rebecca was thinking about leaving. What trash! We tried calling until about 11pm last night and no answer. Rebecca is home all day alone with my mother. She still is not or is not allowed to pick up the phone today.

I don't know what to think here. I don't think Rebecca thought this through. I am not sure what she thought would happen after she told my mother these things. I am trying to put myself in Rebecca's shoes. Does she feel better that there is no more sneaking? My mother knows she has been talking to both of her sisters...no chance of surprise there. Will this make my mother "play nice" for a little while? Probably not! I am just having trouble processing all of this. I believe that this is a crossroads in Rebecca's life. We all get these sort of "chances" in our lives. We are faced with two roads...one that leads to comfort which is continuing down the same path that we've been on...the path of survival where we can continue to live to make it to the end of the day...where are survival skills can be used daily or we can choose the other path. The other path is unknown and unfamiliar. The other path we will force ourselves to stare into the pain and the past and take responsibility for who we've become. The other path is rough and ragged but only because we can't see the end from the beginning. The end of a path is a whole heart, the love of friends and family...true love, healed wounds, laughter. The end of the path is a life and a longing for the eternal life we've been promised. We can't see these things when the path is thick with turmoil. My sister needs to trust before she can choose the right path.

I need to speak to my sister. I need to hear her voice to know where she is in this "process". I need to tell her that everything will be okay. I think she is afraid of God...but not in the good, loving way that God meant for her. Ladies, help me out with some scripture. I think telling my mother was the nest version of the "christian way" to leave...but of course, because it didn't have the end my mother desired, it has been perverted into sin of some kind. Help me out ladies, show me God, show me the next move to make. Show me the map you've laid out for my sister!

She's READY!!!

Rebecca told Naeemah today that she will leave with us when we come. I will write more details later (its dinner time here). Now I need some heavy prayer from you ladies. We were going to wait until our tax return came so we could pay for the trip. But that will be another 2-3 weeks! Pray that the Lord opens a door somewhere...that the money pours is and I can take the trip sooner. I need to be there to get my sister's things and tie up the loose ends that Naeemah can not. Pray ladies...pray like never before! Also, Evan needs to be able to take his vacation early...shouldn't be a problem but you never know. Pray, pray, pray!!!

A message...an opening?

I just sent this email message to my sister. It is so difficult to be able to communicate with her because of all the restrictions my mother has put on her. I was sitting at the computer and I was just staring into space wondering how we could reach her... How can I teach her what it means to trust me? She will need to trust me if she is ever going to leave. How can I teach her this without overwhelming her or making her feel manipulated. I made her an offer. I sent her this message:

"Becca, I am sure you know that you have been on my mind more than usual. These last few days. I couldn't help but realize that you might have a lot of
questions about where I have been these last 5 years. I was wondering if I could
send you a few messages just explaining things. It won't confuse you...it is
about me. You are my sister. Since Mikaila is so much younger, I feel closest to
you. I have been without you for what feels like decades...I don't know, I want
you to get to know me again. Would you mind?"

I am hoping that I can show her my journey...complete with fear and triumph. She may be (or will be) feeling the same things. Will that line the path to her trusting me? She might say yes...God, Open my mind to remember the details she needs to hear...say the things that will break her heart for herself!

Letting go

We have no word from Z yet. I have been in contact with a Pennsylvania detective to make sure none of us need to prepare for a legal hassle if Rebecca does decide to leave...we don't. Rebecca is 20 years old and free to leave if she chooses. Free...what a small word with a heavy meaning! Naeemah has received a lot of information in these last 2 days. What a blow, to say the least. I can't imagine the anger she must feel...different from my own. She is wants to see this all go to trial. She is still in the place where revenge is the only thing that will soothe her anger. It is a place in our hearts, when we love someone, that we need to pass through. I describe it best as a mother. If someone, anyone, were to harm my child...my first reaction would be to rip the perpetrator to shreds. How dare you have no respect for what I love most in this world? I feel the same about my siblings. The desire in my soul is to protect them. I have failed in the past. I didn't protect them when they needed me. I do it now! As Naeemah gets more and more involved and intertwined with all of this I realize something...I will have to give her my sister. If I rescue Rebecca...I will have to let her go again, to someone else. Letting go...like ripping off my own arm...it feels like! Letting her go...trusting that she will be safe...trusting in a God that I cannot see with my own eyes will watch over her with His. Letting her go...because I love her. Letting her go because that is what is best for her. Letting her go...so another sister can see her everyday and watch her grow away from her past...letting her go. It isn't the end but I have been there all this time. God let me mourn this now. Let me mourn that I am not the only sister now. Give Rebecca the best life. Give Rebecca the courage to walk away. Give Rebecca a taste of the joy a life in freedom will give her everyday. Give Rebecca to Naeemah. Restore that family with its last missing member. Restoration...I prayed for this but I never had in mind that you would restore it outside my family. God, you will take care of her. God, I know...God bring her out of the prison the is in now...I will let her go...because of my love for her.

Okay everyone...this is an update. As of now, my brother Caleb has a phone number for my other brother Z. The last piece of the puzzle, so to speak. Z has asked to talk to Caleb. We don't know the whole situation. This will be the first time we have spoken to him in almost 5 years. I am trying to contain myself here! I don't want to go ahead and push God's hand. There is a lot of healing to do and I don't always need to be the tool! This makes a trip to Pennsylvania for me...even closer to my heart! Pray that the money and other things falls into place the way only God can conduct things!!!