Zechariah...

I have been thinking about my brother all day. I couldn't help but analyze in my head some of the things he had said. He said that the abuse from my mother was bad but the abuse from Preston (my biological half brother) was the worst. He had been afraid to tell what had happened to him at the hands of Preston because he was "loyal" to his family. Those are his words. That hit me deep. I don't think, but I am not sure, if he still harbors some anger towards me for what I did. It was not the appropriate time to question where his "loyalty" comes from and if it is disguising guilt. I found it odd and unsettling how he can say he is close with our mother and how he seems to stand up for her...after all she has done. He told me that she has changed and is even encouraging to him. We discussed Rebecca's leaving. Zech said that he is concerned for mother after Rebecca leaves and seemed to question Rebecca's motives. I had to tell him that mother is not Becca's responsibility and not even his responsibility. My fear is that Zech is being manipulated in a most dangerous way. I had mentioned that Rebecca was afraid that mom would find out she had called me. Zech said that mom has never told anyone they cannot speak to me...she simply said to keep her out of it, whatever that means. I asked Rebecca about that and she reminded me of the flowers I sent her for graduation. Mom told her that if she was going to write me a letter that mom would have to read it first. When Rebecca called me instead, I replied to her with a letter of my own. Mom made her read it out loud. After making her throw the letter away "because of all the lies I was telling in it", mom yelled at Rebecca for calling me "behind her back. Sounds like complete freedom to me...or rather not!!! Zech seems to put full trust behind what mother is telling him...that is what worries me. I do need to remember that not everyone will heal like me. The journey is not the same for everyone. For me to tell him he is wrong to stand up for her or even speak to her would be wrong. I can't assume because it sounds suspicious to me that it is all a lie. The fact is that I haven't spoken to my mother in almost 5 years. I don't know her anymore. I do have to wonder though...if she is so changed than why is she still angry with me? If one changes isn't is because something was wrong before? Why am I still the black sheep? I know why but somehow the truth is lost on the rest of the family.

As I begin to prepare to make my 800 mile trip home...I begin to feel a little loss. The cold and the snow is all inviting to me! All that is missing is a home to go to. I'll be in a hotel room all by myself. I haven't been by myself for almost 9 years and for the last 3 years I haven't had more than an hour a say to myself. Here I am getting ready for 7 days to go where I want when I want...it will be glorious!!! Anyway, I begin to long for things to have been different. I wish I could introduce my children to their relatives without the stigma of how those people are capable of harming my children. I can't change what has happened...wishing for it is a waste of time and pointless. I guess that was me feeling sorry for myself...a brief stop on my daily journey. I am left with the facts...things are not ideal and they may never be. I have the right and the ability to keep my babies safe. As long as I have overcome (an daily, continuous process) the past will be the past...and my children will never lament over their lost childhoods.

You'd never believe it!!!

I got a phone call tonight...from...ZECHARIAH!!! He got my information somehow off the Internet through Facebook and called my old house and left his number. I called him back and the voice on the other end was foreign to me...in a good way. He sounded so different...like a man. He said he had been in therapy for almost 2 1/2 years and had been wanting to get in contact with me. He has been through A LOT in these last few years. Admitting different abuse and a suicide attempt. He was very quick to defend my mother saying that she has changed a lot. I don't see it and didn't really know how to handle that except to say that I hoped she had. He is worried about her after my sister moves out. One awkward moment came when he said that my mother had been talking to him about moving to Africa to take care of children....I laughed out loud and said that she'd NEVER be allowed. He was actually serious and said that she could since it was a different country. YIKES!! I think it will take me a few days to think through his point of view and then to know how to talk to him about mutual things other than our mother! I would have never guessed in a million years that next week would be packed with visits to almost all of my siblings. That is right, I leave Atlanta on Saturday the 13th and stay in PA until the 20th. I'll keep you all up to date with what happens daily!! This is going to be an exciting week in my family...I can't believe all of this is happening!

I am sure you are all aware of all the snow falling in PA as we speak. I am beginning to become a little fearful. Just with driving conditions and delays in traveling...will you all pray? Pray that the snow that is in the forecast for the majority of next week will not come. Pray that there are no travel delays and especially that I remain safe as I drive on the roads!! My love to you all. I feel like I am going to be physically alone on this trip but that I will have dozens of invisible companions in you all...

The Children of Elizabeth Smart's Kidnapper Speak Out

The Children of Elizabeth Smart's Kidnapper Speak Out

In 2002, 14-year-old Elizabeth Smart was taken at knifepoint from her bedroom in one of the highest-profile kidnappings of all time. Elizabeth was rescued nine months later, after her sister recalled a memory from the night of the abduction. She'd been taken by a man who had done some repair work on the family's home, a self-proclaimed prophet named Brian David Mitchell. Mitchell has pled not guilty, and a judge is determining whether he is competent to stand trial. Mitchell's wife of 17 years, Wanda Barzee, was an accomplice in the abduction. On November 17, 2009, Barzee pled guilty in Federal Court to kidnapping and unlawful transportation of a minor. She's confined to a state hospital and has yet to be sentenced. State charges are pending against both Mitchell and Barzee.

Rhonda, Andrea, Derrick and Louree are four of Barzee's six children. For the first time since their mother pled guilty, they are speaking out for the first time about their experiences growing up with her. "I think the media portrayed my mother as being a victim of Brian David Mitchell, and I think one of the reasons I wanted to come on this show is to kind of expose her for the monster she is," Andrea says. "She would brainwash us relentlessly. We would be called up to her room, and she would sit there and drum into us, 'If you weren't a part of this family, then the family would be fine." … So it was more the psychological, emotional constant abuse from her that, to me, was worse than the physical abuse. Because I felt like the physical wounds could always heal, but the scars of emotional abuse have remained." Andrea says her mother stole her childhood. "She robbed us of our innocence," she says. "She robbed us of everything we stood to be." Derrick says he was never taught the difference between right and wrong. "I got in a lot of trouble with the law," he says. "I wanted nurturing so badly. I wanted my parents to love me, you know? I wanted somebody to tell me it was all right. I never got that." Andrea says unconditional love was one of the primary things missing in their home. "We were raised in the environment that we were just so worried about stepping out of line one little inch, and we never knew what was coming or when it was coming, so we just kind of flew under the radar and didn't really live." Andrea says she never knew what a normal family behaved like until she went over to a friend's house. "I would ask my friend, 'You mean your parents don't beat you?'" Andrea says. "I remember her family inviting me up to a camping trip two weeks out of the summer, and it was like heaven." Rhonda, the oldest child, says she had a different experience with her mother. She grew up Barzee's mental decline, she says, and her mother was loving toward her. The children's biological father is the one who physically abused them, she says. "He had a couple of belts that he would use when we were younger," she says. "[My mother] didn't participate, but she never stuck up for us." Derrick says his mother was afraid of their father too. "My mother was probably terrified," he says. "She would incur the wrath of him if she would have tried to defend us." Andrea says she experienced physical abuse at the hands of both of her parents. "When I started standing up for my siblings, then I tended to get more of the physical abuse from both my dad and mom," she says.

In 1984, Barzee and her first husband—the children's father—got divorced. A year later, she married Brian David Mitchell. "I had a bad feeling about him in the very beginning," Rhonda says. "He just gave me a hug, and it was just a really creepy feeling." Louree, who was only 8 when her parents divorced, moved in with Mitchell and her mother when she was 12. "Brian and my mom would force me to pray with them for two to four hours a day," she says. "My mom was praying and I was kneeling there, and Brian actually nudged me and he pulled out some photos of some nude women and laid them up on the bed, and it seems that they were trying to get me to participate with them that day." Despite the nude pictures incident, Louree says Mitchell never abused her. "There were innuendos. There were long hugs. He'd shrug up against me," she says. "I felt like if I wore a turtleneck around him that he was undressing me with his eyes." The final straw for Louree came when she was 14 years old. "I asked what we were having for dinner, and my mom said chicken. During that meal, she and Brian were not touching their plates really, but they were kind of picking at a salad that they had, and she had a smile on her face the whole time," she says. "[The next day], I went to go feed my rabbit and the cage was empty, and I said, 'What happened to Peaches?' And she said, 'You had her for dinner last night.'" Louree says she moved out after that incident to escape the "mental torment."

Barzee's children say eventually she abandoned and disowned them all and they only saw her once in a while around town. "In 1991, I heard my mom and Brian had hit the road, sold their possessions and began preaching. I guess they were trying to live a life of poverty to probably get closer to God," Derrick says. "They hung out at the bus station, at the homeless shelters, and that's where they preached." Derrick and Rhonda both say they learned that Mitchell was suspected in the Elizabeth Smart kidnapping while watching America's Most Wanted. "I saw him profiled and everything just clicked," he says. "All the ill feelings I had toward Brian were justified right there, and I wanted to find him. … I was going to bring him to justice." Watching the episode, Derrick says he knew his mother must have also been involved in the crime. Louree says she believes Mitchell and Barzee went after Elizabeth Smart to start their own cult. "Brian was very power hungry in the church, and he couldn't really get any higher and he wanted control," she says. When asked what punishment they believe their mother deserves, Barzee's children have varying opinions. Andrea says her mother should be put away. "I don't think she should see the light of day again," she says. "As citizen and as a mother myself, I feel like I have a responsibility to help protect children, and I don't want to see anyone else fall victim to her. " Louree says she thinks her mother will always need to be under some supervision. "My mom's been mentally sick her whole life, and now that she's getting the right medication, apparently she is holding some responsibility for herself, so I think that's a good thing," she says. "But I think she's always going need to some kind of structure or somewhere to turn to. I don't think she should be out on her own." Derrick says he isn't sure what should happen to Barzee. "I'm not sure how I feel, if she should be locked away. … I'm glad she's taking responsibility for what she's done," he says. "Whatever her sentence is, you know, I think that should be fair…whatever that may be." Rhonda says she had trouble believing her mother was involved with the crime until she pled guilty. "I was closer to her, the first one, and the golden child, I guess," she says. "She taught me a lot. She did a lot of cooking and baking and homemaking. She made all of our clothes when we were little kids, and I have a different view of her [from] growing up."

These days, only Rhonda has been in communication with Barzee. "I visited her last January at the state hospital," she says. In January, Rhonda received this letter from her mother: "Dear Rhonda, Oh how much you mean to me and the boundless love I have for you and each one of your brothers and sisters. I am so very sorry for the lives of abuse you each had to live through growing up and that you have had to live without a mother and a grandmother to your children. It is my constant prayer that each of you may find it in your heart to forgive me. Each of you are so precious to me." Louree says the letter seems too little, too late. "It kind of makes me sick because you always want a mother to love you, and she's just never been a mother," she says. "It makes me angry that now when it's too late…usually, as children, you either get a mother or a father that love you, but we never had either." For Derrick's entire childhood, Barzee's sickness was a taboo topic, he says. "We all knew she was sick, but she's had a lifetime of not getting help for anything," he says. "And now that she's in her 60s and she's getting help for something, there's chasms between us. How do you bridge that? How do you overcome that distance? I don't know how to do it."

Barzee's children say they have all been affected by their mother's sins in different ways. "I don't regret anything that's happened to me in my life. I respect every single incidence because it made me who I am and the kind of mother I am," Louree says. "I know what not to be, so it's made me stronger in that sense and very close with my children." Despite all her mother's wrongdoings, Louree says she does not worry about becoming like their mother. "I've educated myself pretty well in the psychological department and I've studied a lot of mental illnesses, and I think just like if you have cancer that runs through your family, you have to be aware of it."

Derrick says he has had to learn to take responsibility for himself. "I had to look back and say, 'I was on the wrong path.' Like she went down," he says. "Once I figured out that I had to own my mistakes, it was a whole new world for me. I realized I couldn't be a victim of my circumstance anymore."

From The Oprah Winfrey Show The Children of Elizabeth Smart's Kidnapper Speak Out

The Children of Wanda Barzee Talk About Their Childhood - Video - Oprah.com

This is an amazing video on a taboo topic. I am not a big fan of Oprah but she has been known to go against the taboo topics. I can post an article tomorrow about these kids. They sat on her show and really painted a picture similar to my childhood. Their mother was violent and quite evil in her tourtment of her children just like my mother. I am never surprised when two mother's who've never met can be so similar in their abuse... It really made me think of all those kids out there living in their very own hell's every day!

The Children of Wanda Barzee Talk About Their Childhood - Video - Oprah.com

Hey ladies! I wanted to ask you all to pray that our state tax return will be deposited very, very soon! I leave in less than 11 days and have not been able to make even one reservation!! I really would like to get a more solid grasp on all that is going to happen. I am trying to be patient but every day that goes by I get a little more...well, you can imagine!! Prayers would be very much appreciated! Thanks ladies!!

February 15th

Rebecca gave her 2 weeks notice today at work. What an woman of integrity...instead of leaving in secret she'd rather be and adult! They asked her for an actual date to take her off the schedule, so we decided together that Monday February 15 would work best. I will already be in town, probably by the 13th. The tax return was about $200 more than we expected...a small but useful blessing! I noticed that some airlines have Valentine's Day sales so I might not have to spend 14 hours on a train!!!!! My sister will be safe and on her way to an enormously beautiful healing!

I was reading in Job last night and was struck at the last chapter. God restored to Job new family but obviously not the loved ones he had lost. He would still love and miss the wife and children that had passed away. God's restoration came and Job was blessed but things were not made exactly like they had been before. I would never imagined when I was praying for God to restore my family that it would be only a few years. I also would never have dreamt that God would restore a different family from my own. I get to go and "rescue" my sister and send her off with another sister. It feels lonely now. I know my decision to shed light on the abuse in my home was right and it sent my siblings in all different directions. We may never all be together again. I think of the sacrifice I made...a sacrifice that gave them all new opportunity one way or another...now they go their separate ways. Will this be the feeling I get as Eli drives off to college? I am not in a mourning state of mind. I am proud to see them living lives headed for freedom...but selfishly I want them here with me. It can't be that way. I am happy too. Things are being restored and made right. The scars are there but are slowly fading as new life is brought to the surface. Who knows, by Christmas we could be sharing our tree with a few of the Quinn family...a dream of mine...another restoration! Two and a half weeks I have to prepare to take Rebecca and then let her go. God thank you for you love...and your restoration.

A vision of the end

I am telling you that I enjoyed roller coasters in my youth but as an adult they made me queasy...emotional roller coasters have the same sickening effect. One week ago today began a literal daily up and down. The last I left things, I was down...well I am up again! Becca called me this afternoon. My mother left her alone while she went to talk to her pastor (ugh!) and Becca was able to call me during that time. I was able to initiate a 3 way call between all the sisters! (First off, this call came minutes after finding out my biological brother was arrested and charged with DUI and hit and run in late September!) Some of the first words of of my mouth were to tell my sister how sorry I was that she had to be in this situation. Becca told us that mother had been telling her that she (Becca) is confused and not thinking clearly and doesn't know what she is talking about. She went on to tell Becca that if she went to live with her sister they would be "unequally yolked"! Um, talk about taking something out of context!! I let Becca know that was concerning marriage and Naeemah reminded her that "real" Christians are not supposed to judge! My mother had been trying to convince Becca to go live with a lady from their church. Becca showed no interest...just another way to be controlled! Becca told us about being grounded for not keeping her bed clean and being made to sleep on the floor. They were watching the show "Criminal Minds" and the show was a story of teens who played a choking game. Mother turned to Becca and told her if she ever decided to do that that my mother would choke her herself! Last night my mother slept in their living room by the front door so Rebecca couldn't leave...this only 3 hours after telling Naeemah that she would not stop Rebecca from leaving. Rebecca says she definitely want to "get out of here". She sees now that the other kids are never coming back and that she does not want to be 30 still living in that house. We told her how proud we were that she had chosen to tell the truth. Naeemah even said that she had learned something by Rebecca's honesty. I see now that it needed to be this way. I think now that everything is out in the open (well, she still doesn't know that I am directly involved...little surprise for her when that comes to light!!) Rebecca can process this and think through how she wants to proceed. We told her we'll so this however she wants it done. We learned that she is an adult now and deserves a big say in how this goes down!! I am proud of her like I have never been before.

Now it is a waiting game. We told her that if things get bad and she wants to leave before I can make it up there to go ahead and call Naeemah and she'll be there in 2 hours. Otherwise, I can be up there about Valentines Day and we can go about the plan we'd had from the beginning.

I am beginning to lose sight of why we are doing this. The more I hear the angrier I get at my mother and all that she has done and said. I want to go into this with a clear head and a clear heart. I want to do this for Rebecca and not "to" my mother. I am happy for the 2 1/2 weeks that I still have to wait until I can hop on the train and be reunited with my sister. God allow these two weeks to be a time to clear out some of the anger so that I can think and speak clearly. May all be done that is best for Rebecca.

Guess what came in the mail today...Evan's W2's. We'll head to the tax place tonight and have our return in about 2 weeks...hopefully less! Pray it comes in God's timing....oh, and that there is enough!!! Lol:) Thank you all for your persistent thoughts and prayers. I see an end in sight for the hold my mother has over my sister. May this begin a road of healing for Rebecca and possibly for mother.