Numb is good

I know I have mentioned on and off for about a year now (BTW Happy Anniversary to "In a Tutu"!!!!) my troubles with my husbands family, particularly my mother in law.  For those of you who are new to the blog let me give a brief history to catch you up.  My husbands parents are Missionaries to Brasil.  My husband grew up in Brasil.  His parents are only home in the States for small chunks at a time.  His mother, Diane, actually attended the first few meetings of "Wounded Heart" with me.  She was there as support and has not experienced abuse of any kind in her past.  I can easily say I wouldn't have ever attended the first meeting if she hadn't gone with me.  Diane was the one who led me to the Lord October 18, 2005.  She flew home from Brasil when I had to go to Pennsylvania to testify against my mother in court.  I was pregnant for the third time and the family feared I would have a third miscarriage because of the stress.  She has come home to help Evan and I after the births of both of our children.  My second child, Madeline (in the tutu) is named for her grandmother, Madeline Diane.  I can't really tell you when we started to drift apart.  I know their being so far away certainly doesn't help me...someone who needs to "see" you love me.  It has to be something deeper than that but I can't put my finger on it.  Anyway, last May we had sort of a falling out.  I confided something in her and asked her not to share it with Evan's sister.  It had something to do with the sister so Diane told her anyway.  I found out and I think the bottom of my world just fell apart.  The secret she shared was really insignificant but it was the fact that she told.  I wondered had I been lying to myself all the years before when I felt Evan's sister and I were equal.  Here Diane had chosen her over me and that must be the truth.  A few months later I tried to tell Diane how hurt I had been by what she had done.  I was also scared to death that she had shared my past with Evan's sister.  I didn't feel anyone else in the family needed to know.  When I tried to bring up what had happened Diane wouldn't hear me.  There were other things going on between us (she felt I wasn't 'getting it' like I should) and we needed to deal with those things.  We dealt with them and decided to take our relationship in a new direction.  She would just be grandma and I would no longer share my "process" with her as she had lost patience.  It was better than it sounds.  Over the next 6 months I received several reports from other family members that dealt with people discussing my son's lack of speech and Evan and I not doing anything about it.  This, of course, was not truth.  In stead of Evan and I addressing the rumors we kept silent.  In February we learned our son, then three years old, had a hearing problem which explained his lack of speech.  Evan and I felt an enormous amount of guilt over Eli's hearing problem that had gone undetected.  Eli had a surgery and we discovered he had permanent hearing loss but thankfully not severe enough for him to need any hearing aids.  We still had not shared this with most of Evan's family.  The thought of sharing Eli with them made me go into convulsions almost.  It felt as if we would dangle him in front of danger and not protect him as we should.  The rumors continued but it was just not a priority.  Our son's needs were more important.  Dealing with a family drama would have distracted me.  I would have tried to measure up to "how my mother-in-law would handle this" and not be 100% for my child.  After things settled down with Eli, Evan and I often discussed when to tell the family.  I was VERY reluctant and scared.  I often wept over the thought of anyone thinking my son was "stupid".  I finally told Evan that they would not here this information from me.  He would have to decide when to tell them.  My husband is not a great communicator so they never did find out which was fine by me.  We told a few family members over the last few months.  If someone asked about Eli we shared.  No one had asked us and assumptions were just made.  I had to speak with Evan's Aunt (Diane's sister) about our investments ans she asked about Eli's school.  I was so fed up with the rumors and my being suspicious that I spilled it out.  She got a little defensive and said she was only asking how he was doing.  I apologized but seeing that she was a small part of the rumor mill I am not too sure I meant it.  I knew all during the conversation that if I was telling her I had to be ready for EVERYONE to find out.  During the conversation I told her that I knew I overreacted to some things and that seemed to be all she could commend me for admitting to her.  Overall it was a good conversation.  I know I can never make my in-laws understand what it is like to be me and live inside my body and think with my "damaged" brain.  As frustrating as that is I remember that there are many of you who "get it" and can validate me!  The next day I was chatting (the typing kind of talking!!)with my mother-in-law about their bills and she asked how Eli liked his school.  I talked about Eli a little bit and about my new responsibilities there.  She told me she and my father-in-law were proud of my embracing motherhood so well.  I thanked her and told her after a long year it was nice to hear something like that (of course knowingly opening up the lines of communication).  She asked what had happened in the last year...here we go.  I told her I didn't want to cross our boundary into the "personal" stuff.  She asked me if it was something I could sum up.  I said:

 "I think (after the ugliness between us last May-July) I learned to give myself time to grieve, time to process...just time.  I wasn't on any ones time schedule for how long this "process" should take. I think, between the both of us, we were expecting there to be an end or for me to "get it'...right?  I have been through some horrific things and some of the worst has just recently been remembered. Expecting myself to live like someone who has never lived like me is so so so so so stupid and discouraging. There is no possible way I could think like you or dad or whomever. I just can't do it.  That isn't a bad thing. I actually think it is a good thing. There are a lot of people like me. People still stuck on the "other side". They need someone who thinks like they do to show them the way. You couldn't do that but I can. (That isn't meant to hurt you...sorry).  I will never be able to forget the things my parents did to me...they will never be erased...they are a part of who I was and still a part of who I am...and that is okay.  Cindy had me take a personality test...WOW did that open my eyes. There are a lot of things in me that have been critiqued over these last few years, by me and you too, that are not damage but actually parts of the person God created me to be. Of course the damage has made some of those things a little "intensified" and I have to deal with that...but I am more comfortable in my flaws because I know where I am strong too."

She then thanked me for sharing and said, "The one thing I truly want is to be in this position of not being responsible for what you're going through.  But, when you want to share something, I want to listen and sympathize as someone who loves and cares about you, but not as Cindy. I didn't know how to get out of that role with you."  I didn't really know what to say to her here.  I just told her about the women I have in my life who can understand and just "get it" and how that has literally rehabilitated me.  I told her that I feel things deeply and when I would share those things her she didn't react the way I "needed"...it just held me back from a lot of growth. That wasn't any one's fault...just a clash in personality, I think.  Also that I think there will always be a trigger there between the both of us. I don't know (still) how to fit into a family like the Warden's but there is the expectation there because it has been "so long".

She then asked me the strangest question, "Do I remind you of your mother at all"?  I thought dear God is that another sin I will have to deal with...making this women feel like the same woman who wanted and tried to break every bone in my body???  I told her NO and asked if she was kidding! But she inquired further, "But are there things I say or attitudes I have that remind you of her? I don't want to be that kind of person, but I'm not sure that some of my strong personality could possibly intimidate you...".  I paused a while.  I knew it had been hard to get this far in the conversation.  I didn't want to have to cross that same "bridge" again any time soon so I might as well spill it all out now!  i replied, "What hurt the most was when I expressed feelings whatever they might be (sorrow, frustration, etc.) over things of the past that you must have thought had already been dealt with and you reciprocated in frustration was like you saying "Just get over it." Granted, you and I deal with things in different ways but I now know that I needed to feel those things for however long it took."  There was one more thing that needed to be discussed.  I didn't want to ever go there with her...but I didn't want to have to repeat this conversation either.  I brought her back to last year when she had told Evan's sister something I had asked her not to and the time I had come to her asking for the truth. 

"When I kept asking you last year if you had told Angie something I had specifically asked you not too...you got annoyed (am I right) and gave me a broad answer and didn't want to discuss it anymore...do you even remember that? (she remembered)  I am not bringing up the specific thing event...that is done...but it was what was communicated to me by the exchange we had when I tried to let you know that it hurt me that you would do that and essentially choose one daughter over another.  If you had felt I should not have asked you not to share with Angie it would have been better you had said that to me and ended it there.  What I learned from that was that when I felt hurt by you that I was wrong. It must have been my fault or my damage that made me feel hurt and that it wasn't right to tell anyone...it must be my fault somehow.  That lead into the whole MESS with what Grandma said about Eli...I kept my mouth shut because I had "learned" it was not safe to feel hurt. That I could not possibly be the hurt one...I was wrong and you all were right.  I really felt like I had lost my mother all over again."

She apologized but added, "and I can be honest when I say, that's something I can't understand totally, Ashley. Not that I can't see it...but that it didn't hit me like that..." I told her that I know it didn't. I really didn't understand what it had meant to me until a few months ago. I know she and I don't "speak" the same language and I don't expect that from her anymore.  (or I try not to)  She said that she didn't understand that my pulling back and not wanting to share was feeling hurt and not rejecting them as a family.  DING, DING, DING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  I added that I could see how it would have been a lot easier if I were able to figure out what I was feeling and why back them but I was not as mature as I am now. And Evan, in his love for me and his desire to allow me to feel/be a good mother, let me process all of this with patience. Evan has a unique ability to speak your language and mine! Love that man!  That brought us to the most sensitive subject, Eli!  I admitted the more I was told what people were saying about Eli and us as his parents the deeper the wound got. It felt so so so unsafe to share him with all of the family. That is my sweet sweet baby and they felt unsafe.  She said, "You know, I've always had problems with my mouth and probably more so with my writing...but, I don't want you to feel unsafe with me/us. If I'd thought about that (duh!) last year when that stuff happened, I would've handled it differently....I would like to think!"  Then she asked for forgiveness.  I told her that her being open minded and willing to listen allows me to forgive her.  I felt it safe to round myself out and make a bold statement:

"I think a good rule to remember is that I am not Angie. She likes to share everything and why would she not! She is a Warden by birth and there is nothing wrong with how she communicates. The problem comes when I am expected to behave like her or the same rules apply to me. I think this goes with any in-law...even Bere! I need time. I have learned enough about myself as a woman, a wife, and a mother that for me to be the best I can in all of my roles is to process whatever comes and be where I need to be. When things sunk in I am ready to share. I need to have a handle on my emotions and what God might be trying to teach me before I pass it around the family."

She replied:

"I appreciate that, Ashley. And, I agree that my relationship with Angie is different than ours, because she's got the 'warden' gene...and even my relationship with Bere (my other sister-in-law), is very different, because she is super timid about opening up and that's fine! If you remember at the beginning of our relationship (you and me) I really had a hard time with not wanting to step over the boundary between us...and then when I did and it was helpful (I would like to think it was..) I didn't know how to back up and cross over the boundary when I didn't need to 'be' in your life all the time."

I told her that I have learned as a mother, it is hard to know when it is best to let them go because each one is different. I told her that I respected her relationship with Angie but that it was rough for me last year because I had to FORCE myself to believe she hadn't told the secrets in my past with Angie even though she had shared that other stuff with her...that accompanied with mourning our relationship.

So the scoop with Eli was out.  She was glad and said they have been concerned for him and not knowing has been very hard on them and of course, knowing that we were also suffering with this without their support.  I told her,

"I know it must have been hard. We are sorry it had to go the way it did.  We just couldn't figure out another way that wouldn't take our minds off of what Eli needed. He needed a lot from us, me esp, and my mind just goes crazy when there is open tension in the family. It was the only way to give Eli all of his mommy!  Also, We were grieving a lot. The last thing we needed were people making suggestions as to his diagnosis, etc. BOTH Evan and I were on the verge. We found a group of parents and professionals that would be honest and empathetic.  I know you all were hurt by this and I know I can speak for Evan, we are sorry. I can say it wasn't done to be painful to anyone. There were so so so many nights we just wept over that little boy...we learned to count more on each other too."

She mentioned their upcoming six months to be spent here in the states.  I decided it was a good time to ask her if they had been avoiding spending time with us during their last two vacations.  She said they had been avoiding us because of the tension and because she is not a confronter.  I told her we could take some responsibility for the tension (without taking responsibility for how they behaved)  I just told her feelings get hurt and the word favoritism has come into play. We know that isn't the truth but you know how your feelings can lie to you.  She said how hurt they had been feeling but certainly never wanted that to affect people the way it had.  I understood her hurt feelings...without feeling too much guilt.

Our conversation ended with my telling her that we just need there to be an understanding...and really a trust...that what we discuss with them stays right there...even if you they don't think we will find out they "told"...it always seems to come back to me and just opens the wound again. We have had a lot of trust lost in the last year...

Well, there you have it.  Here we are all exposed.  I expected to feel...I don't know, I thought I'd feel really good.  Turns out my "exposing" myself is really no fun.  I kind of feel numb...because now I have to trust them again.  I HATE HAVING TO TRUST PEOPLE!!!!  It sucks!  It sucks because I can't control those people!  Wouldn't it be so nice if I could control their brains and make them say and do whatever I needed so that I could always feel safe and validated.  I know that wouldn't be best....but it would sure be nice...like a little vacation from the drama!!!