...At your feet

I drained every second out of the snooze button this morning.  I couldn't seem to wake up.  I splashed cold water on my face...a few times.  I got dressed and prepared to walk across the hall into a battle to get my son dressed.  After he finally surrendered I crammed my children into a borrowed car.  Don't get me wrong, I am thankful fro good friends to loan us a working car...I just want things back to normal.  We bought an SUV for a reason!!!  I am too OCD to have things so askew for so long!  I dragged my son into his class kicking and screaming.  Drove home and walked into my messy house...I was just so tired.  I fed Maddie and finally sat down.  I looked out my living room window and I couldn't help but wish I was looking out from somewhere in Pennsylvania.  I get so very homesick this time of year.  I just want to be home!  I truly want healing in my family.  I want the perfect "Quinn family Christmas".  I want my kids to be safe near my mother.  I want what was taken from me.  I want my mother to suck it up...admit what she did...heal...and put things back together!!!  I don't want to feel loneliness surrounded by people anymore.

I spoke to my sister, Rebecca, yesterday.  I hung up the phone feeling about 30 pounds heavier with the weight of worry over decisions she is making.  I felt sorrow and so out of control.  I can see clearly the dangerous path she has chosen...and there in nothing I can do to stop her.  She is compromising and turning away.  Life, I know, could be a lot worse.  I know that worry can blind me from the blessings I have.  Sometimes I would just like a break...I want a life that is totally and completely carefree...a life where bills pay themselves, where I always feel at home, bank accounts don't bounce, cars always start, dirt and clutter just float away, exhaustion is a fairytale, children are always obedient and they have 2 sets of grandparents....scars disappear and people recognize and embrace true love when it is offered...well I guess that would be Heaven, huh? 

So it was just me and my sweet Madeline at home together this morning.  I know how I usually behave when I am that tired.  I just couldn't stand the thought of overreacting or yelling at her...her crying and my adding guilt to my day.  I remembered the Casting Crowns song "At Your Feet":

Here at Your feet, I lay my past down
My wanderings, all my mistakes down
And I am free


Here at Your feet, I lay this day down
Not in my strength, but in Yours I’ve found
All I need, You’re all I need

Jesus, Jesus, at Your feet
Oh, to dwell and never leave
Jesus, Jesus, at Your feet
There is nowhere else for me
There is nowhere else for me

Here at Your feet, I lay my future down
All of my dreams, I give to You now
And I find peace, I find peace
Here at Your feet, I lay my life down
For You my King, You’re all I want now
And my soul sings…

‘Cause I am free (here at Your feet)
All I need (is at Your feet)
I find peace
We’re at Your feet
We’re at Your feet

And I am free (here at Your feet)
All I need (is at Your feet)
I find peace
We’re at Your feet
We’re at Your feet
We’re at Your feet
We’re at Your feet

Here at Your feet
I lay my life down

I can't pray yet...but I know I get closer the more real God becomes to me.  My heart cries out for the people around me and for my family.  God just hears me in words I cannot speak.  He reciprocates with Peace.  My past will never be forgotten...my body will always carry scars.  I will make more mistakes...I will have to make more apologies to my children and my husband when I don't control my anger.  My future is unknown and I HATE that...I like to have control.  I know where I WANT to be but God says "No" for now.  It is impossible for me, in my sinful nature, to never turn away from the feet of God.  I'd love to say that it is possible but lets get real!  But I believe it is the place God wants me...where He likes to see me.  He welcomes me back each and every time.  When I turn my back on my worries, my past, my stress, my obsessions I am at Jesus' feet...soon life interrupts me...but I was there and my energy was renewed by that Peace...peace when everything was still especially my mind...peace where it is quiet and my heart flutters because Jesus has my attention.  My kitchen is still dirty, my address is still the same, my car still won't work, my family is still a mess, and there are bills that won't go away but I face them one day at a time...in peace!