So...I totally freaked out!!

I am writing today in total frustration...for no one but myself.  I thought I was farther...or closer to an "end".  I found out, over the last few days, that that is not the truth.  I had been doing so well and then the ball dropped.  Thursday was the one of the worst days I have had in a long while.  Madeline woke up several times in the night so I could barely drag myself out of bed at 7am to get Eli ready for school.  After I dropped him off we came back to the house for breakfast during which Maddie threw a fit and yogurt went flying.  I threw a load of clothes in the wash, cleaned her mess and vacuumed the floor.  I remembered Eli had "missed" the toilet that morning just like the morning before...and the morning before that.  I clean the whole bathroom!!  I tried sitting down and playing with Madeline but her crying made it impossible to enjoy.  I put her down for a nap.  She was awake an hour later with a poopy diaper.  I changed her...tried to play again...the screaming was worse than before.  I decided it would do us both good if I put her back in bed.  It came time to go pick up Eli.  On the way home from school I noticed the engine lights coming on and off in my car.  When Evan got home he tried to turn the car on....nothing happened.  The car was dead...in our driveway!  Evan suggested we leave the house if only for our sanity.  We put the car seats in my brother-in-laws car (the car has out of date car tags!!!) and went inside to get the kids shoes.  I sat on Eli's bed and looked up to see a shocked look on my husband's face.  He was staring at the giant hole in the window next to the bed!  INCREDIBLE!!!  Within 20 minutes our car breaks down and we find a broken window in the house.  I was about to lose it.  Later, we came to a conclusion that our planned vacation to Disney World was a little irresponsible.  Less than a month ago we had to have a new drainage field dug in our backyard after the toilets were overflowing and the sinks wouldn't drain.  That set us back a great deal.  That was it!  I just shut down.  I got quiet and wouldn't/couldn't eat.  I think I got more aggressive as the night wore on.  I get loud when I feel that "depressed"...I just cried.  I couldn't even figure out what I was really crying about.  I went off to bed at 9:30 last night....but I just laid there, worrying.  This morning began just like yesterday.  Feeling exhausted and having to clean something that would only need cleaning again tomorrow.  My patience was non-existent with Madeline.  When she whined I felt a tightness in my chest.  Thankfully she was ready for her nap soon after breakfast.  I thought it best to put her down early...if only to save her from her own mother.

Now I feel like a fool.  I overreacted to a situation that could happen to anyone.  I feel like the world was ending...well at least in the same dramatic sense...and I still have my health, and my kids.  My husband still has a job and there is food in my fridge.  Why does my world still fall apart?  I thought I was farther than this!  I thought I was more mature!  I don't even feel I am safe enough to be around my kids.  I can't keep telling myself, "They won't remember this.".  It isn't the truth and that is an abusive mother's favorite lie!!!