You know how most of us can can say, "I am not who I once was."? I can safely say, "I am not who I was six months ago"!! I don't even know when I posted last. Life has been CA-RAZY, even at times sort of unbelievable. I am writing to you from my in-laws house. We have moved out of our house...but let me start from a few weeks ago.
Most of you will remember my post about losing my mixer and then the television, among other things. I was so puzzled by the "silence of God". Well, a few weeks ago, as we were putting the kids to bed, Evan flipped on the heater in their room. All of the sudden we heard loud pops and then a burning smell. That was IT!! We called an electrician friend to come and help us figure out what was wrong. So many things breaking was too much of a coincidence. He came...took a look at our OLD fuse box...and came to the conclusion that the house should never have been sold to us without the electrical system being brought up to date (not even up to the 1970's standards). Indeed an electrician had signed off on our house BUT he was a friend of the previous owner. My immediate suspicion was that that man had never set foot in the house but wrote the letter as a favor! I.WAS.LIVID!!! How dare someone disregard our safety is such a way. All the things that could have happened.... Humbling for sure. We moved next door that afternoon. The kids acted like it was a vacation!! I was so worried about Eli. Knowing he would not understand what was happening and why we couldn't go home. It took about a week for him to get up and get ready for school without a tantrum but we made it through. The only time he has asked to go home was to get a toy!! Madeline is just pleased to be along for the ride...love that!! A friend shared a thought with me that really rings in my head a lot..."if this had to happen, this is the best scenario (moving into a home Eli knows well)". PLUS, there is a dishwasher, lots of cupboard and counter space...all things missing on my house:-). We bring over what we need when we need it and have gotten into a routine that everyone likes.
Now, the future is even more unclear. We have had a second electrician come and he confirmed the house was "unsellable" when we bought it. We are going to have a third electrician come...just to make sure. Our next move is one that goes against our grain...as Christians and just as people trying to live honestly. We plan to sue the electrician who inspected the house originally. I have a letter he wrote and signed saying the electric was in "good working order and presented no hazard". This is clearly untrue. It is an expensive repair to rewire a home, about $2200-$2500. I am sure this man made this mistake unintentionally...but if something had happened...if our home had burned down and we had lost our lives...well, lets just say he could have been held accountable for something much much worse.
These trials of ours started back in September when our car broke down. Then a few weeks after that Evan was told his hours at work would be cut from 50 to 40. We lost 1/3 of our income (after taxes, 401k, and savings). I began looking for work and was unsuccessful. As we adjusted to the cut in income (we stopped saving money in savings account and 401k) we had to cut everything...I mean everything! There were weeks where all we ate was peanut butter and jelly or cereal! We had $50 or less to buy food and gas each week and Evan drives about 50 miles a day to work and back. It is 31 miles to take Eli to therapy each week and back. We went no where and spent no money. The kids birthdays and Christmas was "creative" to say the least. But, we never went without food. We never overdrew our checking account. The cars never ran out of gasoline (you can drive about 20 miles after the light comes on...hehehe). We stayed warm. The bills were paid on time. We had a great Christmas with family. We laughed, we cried (a lot)...but we made it. I know it sounds like the hard times are over. Well, they aren't nothing has changed. I still am unemployed and we are lucky if Evan gets more than 40 hours at work. But everything is lined up for us...even sales at the grocery stores have been exactly what we have needed. We were without Internet for a week..I made not sales online until THE DAY we had it transferred and turned back on. What we need comes right when we need it. I see God caring for me when the situation seems so unbelievably impossible to overcome. I don't know what will happen. I have feared the future several times over these weeks. But I know I can't do it...I can't pay for it...I can't fix it...I can't change this reality. I can choose to be mad...I can choose to worry until my stomach is turned in knots...I can choose to let the stress overtake me (and sometimes it creeps up in me)...or I can choose to let it go. You guys, I am not a loony, I still worry because I don't know what is going to happen and I LIKE to know what will happen. The element of surprise is wasted on me!!! But when my stress and worry begins to lead me into feeling overwhelmed and despair...I HAVE to shrug my shoulders and know...I can't change this...I CAN'T. God HAS to fix this in whatever way He has worked out...I just can't do it. And frankly, I don't want to have to figure this mess out. HAHAHA, God, just let me know when to move...again. I have seen God's care all throughout these last two months especially. It is woven in and out of each day. It was in the kindness of strangers blessing us with money, food, or work. I could have felt guilty (I did a little)...but God washed over me with a promise, that someday I will be called to do these things for another and that I will have the means to do so. Isn't that so so exciting?!?!?! Someday I can be a bridge for another to see God caring for them. SO, no, I am not the same person that harbored my body six months ago. I don't know if letting God care for me will ever be my first instinct...that I will not have to have a war in my head over choosing God or choosing control (what control??)...but I like choosing God this way. I like knowing I made a good choice. I like knowing my choice makes me easier for my husband and children to be around. It isn't always as easy as I made it sound here. This situation is totally unfair. I struggled so so so much with anger over watching my son struggle with this change. I am already angry at the time when we have to change things again when we move back home. He will struggle then too. But, who knows when that will happen (well I know Who, but He never tells me that stuff:-/). It is hard to feel settled in someone elses home but it is what it is...now excuse me as I go empty the dishwasher (yay!!!!!!).
Thursday, February 23, 2012
Wednesday, January 11, 2012
Open mouth, insert foot!!
I felt like such a heel after my last post. In the 2 days that followed I had a few people come to me for prayer over some SERIOUS losses. Here I was whining about money/job/and a damn TV!!! Ugh, the shame just swept over me. I felt so guilty for overlooking what I have and not thinking it was enough.
That is often how it goes for me...complain about something then, right after I open my mouth, a solution or relief arrives. Just this weekend I received 4 orders totalling our grocery budget! And another big one yesterday. Monday I was called in to substitute teach at the preschool in my church. It isn't big money by any means...but I didn't ask for that, I asked (well, actually I begged) to be taken care of. Isn't all this "care" disguised by working from my home (mostly) and being able to stay with my daughter and get my son off the bus after school?? I am constantly stuffing the reminder of my student loan coming due for payments in July...THAT IS 6 MONTHS AWAY!!!! Who cares! I continue to look for a full time job but I look at every day I get to stay home with Madeline is a gift...and to be working from home and earning a little extra money...pure CARE!!
I thank you all for praying. Your love over me and my family is...a blessed gift. Please forgive me for whining...I so often cannot look past what I want and don't have for what is right in front of me!!!
That is often how it goes for me...complain about something then, right after I open my mouth, a solution or relief arrives. Just this weekend I received 4 orders totalling our grocery budget! And another big one yesterday. Monday I was called in to substitute teach at the preschool in my church. It isn't big money by any means...but I didn't ask for that, I asked (well, actually I begged) to be taken care of. Isn't all this "care" disguised by working from my home (mostly) and being able to stay with my daughter and get my son off the bus after school?? I am constantly stuffing the reminder of my student loan coming due for payments in July...THAT IS 6 MONTHS AWAY!!!! Who cares! I continue to look for a full time job but I look at every day I get to stay home with Madeline is a gift...and to be working from home and earning a little extra money...pure CARE!!
I thank you all for praying. Your love over me and my family is...a blessed gift. Please forgive me for whining...I so often cannot look past what I want and don't have for what is right in front of me!!!
Thursday, January 5, 2012
...and then the television...
It has been a rough couple of days. I have felt...just desperation to be rid of this storm we are currently enduring. I am still without a job. My faith is fraying at the ends...and it seems things around me will never stop crumbling to the ground.
During the holiday season a part on my embroidery machine was damaged making every project a hit or miss. Each time I have to use the machine my stomach turns in knots...just waiting for it to screw up. Today, I took Maddie out to play and took some pictures of new products to post online. I got back home to edit the pics and put a DVD on for Maddie so that I could work with a little peace. She came to me and said the TV was broken...indeed, the screen had gone black and won't turn back on.
I can hear you....I KNOW it is just a TV!!! But I just don't get it! I believe everything happens for a reason. Maybe that makes me read into things too much, but God, COME ON!!!! Seriously?!?!?! What next? Will the house burn down? Will our septic mess up again??
I have been day dreaming lately...of home. I feel pain at being stuck where I am. I thought to myself, "Why do I want to go home so badly? What waits there for me...more rejection??!!". I needed to know why I can't be happy where I am now...It is because I want to be taken care of. I want to feel like I belong. I want to run away from this mess. I want to run so so so badly. I am tired of the fear and I am tired of the pain...I am tired of the fight! My childhood was...horrendous...but I found solace in my surroundings. There was comfort in the snow, the cold, the secret places I found. The previous times when I found myself in a fight I could run away...if only in my mind. Now, for some reason, I can't seem to run near-by...I want to run home!
Like I said, I believe things happen for a reason. My embroidery machine is messed up and that was my only way to contribute to relieving our circumstances a bit. The TV is broken, our last bit of inexpensive "fun". (I hear you again but remember, Eli does not enjoy board games!!!). I just don't get it. In fact, I am getting a little pissed! Do I need to scream out loud towards the Heavens so that I will finally be heard?? God, when are you going to show up? YOU know I have prayed and wept over this...I have begged you to show me a job!!! I am not asking for the debt to disappear...I am taking responsibility!! Why do you leave me so so so alone? When are you going to do what You have promised and TAKE CARE OF US???? I feel like we have been left to fend for ourselves...punished and shunned! I try to believe and I try to have faith but it keeps coming with no light at the end of the tunnel. I know we are not poor...in fact we are rich. But I have fear...what if someone gets sick...what if the car breaks down...we'd be left abandoned because there is...nothing!!
As always, I am reminded of a song! Andrew Peterson's "Silence of God". I have weathered...so very much. So much that there are times my body feels twice its age. I walk this life and feel so very weary at times...and lonely. I know, among my family and friends, I still keep to myself as my heart is still mending from the past...I am the cause of my loneliness. In the last few months...since our world began to crumble, I have found myself holding tighter to Faith...knowing it is only God that stands between us and being without food and a home. I guess I expected a reward for that...I am not assuming that reward is not coming any time soon. God has been silent...even when I thought He was leading me down a path to a sure job...it never happened. I was left standing alone in silence. I still don't know what is going to happen. I feel like a failure left and right...I am not good enough. But I am reminded of the burden and the sorrow my Jesus felt in the hours before He would suffer for my freedom. God was silent. Even Jesus got frustrated with His Father's silence...but still, God looked down on His son bleeding and dying and was...silent. I want to know the future and I don't want this burden any longer. I am not happy and I do not move into each day with "peace" and a "joy in my heart". I am sad but I move into each day hoping that will be the day I will hear from God because I know He is the one who will rescue us from this storm. It may just take a miracle...whatever the answer will be I know where it comes...and I wait anxiously for my Rescuer!!!
The Silence Of God lyrics
It's enough to drive a man crazy
It'll break a man's faith
It's enough to make him wonder
If he's been sane
When he's bleating for comfort
From Thy staff and Thy rod
And the heavens' only answer
Is the silence of God
And it'll shake a man's timbers
When he loses his heart
When he has to remember
What broke him apart
And this yoke may be easy
But this burden is not
And the crying fields are frozen
By the silence of God
If a man has got to listen
To the voices of the mob
Who are reeling in the throes
Of all the happiness they've got
When they tell you all their troubles
Have been nailed up to that cross
What about the times when even
Followers get lost
'Cause we all get lost sometimes
There's a statue of Jesus
On a monastery knoll
In the hills of Kentucky
All quiet and cold
And He's kneeling in the garden
Silent as a stone
And all His friends are sleeping
And He's weeping all alone
And the man of all sorrows
He never forgot
What sorrow is carried
By the hearts that He bought
So when the questions dissolve
Into the silence of God
The aching may remain
But the the breaking does not
The aching may remain
But the the breaking does not
In the holy, lonesome echo
Of the silence of God
During the holiday season a part on my embroidery machine was damaged making every project a hit or miss. Each time I have to use the machine my stomach turns in knots...just waiting for it to screw up. Today, I took Maddie out to play and took some pictures of new products to post online. I got back home to edit the pics and put a DVD on for Maddie so that I could work with a little peace. She came to me and said the TV was broken...indeed, the screen had gone black and won't turn back on.
I can hear you....I KNOW it is just a TV!!! But I just don't get it! I believe everything happens for a reason. Maybe that makes me read into things too much, but God, COME ON!!!! Seriously?!?!?! What next? Will the house burn down? Will our septic mess up again??
I have been day dreaming lately...of home. I feel pain at being stuck where I am. I thought to myself, "Why do I want to go home so badly? What waits there for me...more rejection??!!". I needed to know why I can't be happy where I am now...It is because I want to be taken care of. I want to feel like I belong. I want to run away from this mess. I want to run so so so badly. I am tired of the fear and I am tired of the pain...I am tired of the fight! My childhood was...horrendous...but I found solace in my surroundings. There was comfort in the snow, the cold, the secret places I found. The previous times when I found myself in a fight I could run away...if only in my mind. Now, for some reason, I can't seem to run near-by...I want to run home!
Like I said, I believe things happen for a reason. My embroidery machine is messed up and that was my only way to contribute to relieving our circumstances a bit. The TV is broken, our last bit of inexpensive "fun". (I hear you again but remember, Eli does not enjoy board games!!!). I just don't get it. In fact, I am getting a little pissed! Do I need to scream out loud towards the Heavens so that I will finally be heard?? God, when are you going to show up? YOU know I have prayed and wept over this...I have begged you to show me a job!!! I am not asking for the debt to disappear...I am taking responsibility!! Why do you leave me so so so alone? When are you going to do what You have promised and TAKE CARE OF US???? I feel like we have been left to fend for ourselves...punished and shunned! I try to believe and I try to have faith but it keeps coming with no light at the end of the tunnel. I know we are not poor...in fact we are rich. But I have fear...what if someone gets sick...what if the car breaks down...we'd be left abandoned because there is...nothing!!
As always, I am reminded of a song! Andrew Peterson's "Silence of God". I have weathered...so very much. So much that there are times my body feels twice its age. I walk this life and feel so very weary at times...and lonely. I know, among my family and friends, I still keep to myself as my heart is still mending from the past...I am the cause of my loneliness. In the last few months...since our world began to crumble, I have found myself holding tighter to Faith...knowing it is only God that stands between us and being without food and a home. I guess I expected a reward for that...I am not assuming that reward is not coming any time soon. God has been silent...even when I thought He was leading me down a path to a sure job...it never happened. I was left standing alone in silence. I still don't know what is going to happen. I feel like a failure left and right...I am not good enough. But I am reminded of the burden and the sorrow my Jesus felt in the hours before He would suffer for my freedom. God was silent. Even Jesus got frustrated with His Father's silence...but still, God looked down on His son bleeding and dying and was...silent. I want to know the future and I don't want this burden any longer. I am not happy and I do not move into each day with "peace" and a "joy in my heart". I am sad but I move into each day hoping that will be the day I will hear from God because I know He is the one who will rescue us from this storm. It may just take a miracle...whatever the answer will be I know where it comes...and I wait anxiously for my Rescuer!!!
The Silence Of God lyrics
It's enough to drive a man crazy
It'll break a man's faith
It's enough to make him wonder
If he's been sane
When he's bleating for comfort
From Thy staff and Thy rod
And the heavens' only answer
Is the silence of God
And it'll shake a man's timbers
When he loses his heart
When he has to remember
What broke him apart
And this yoke may be easy
But this burden is not
And the crying fields are frozen
By the silence of God
If a man has got to listen
To the voices of the mob
Who are reeling in the throes
Of all the happiness they've got
When they tell you all their troubles
Have been nailed up to that cross
What about the times when even
Followers get lost
'Cause we all get lost sometimes
There's a statue of Jesus
On a monastery knoll
In the hills of Kentucky
All quiet and cold
And He's kneeling in the garden
Silent as a stone
And all His friends are sleeping
And He's weeping all alone
And the man of all sorrows
He never forgot
What sorrow is carried
By the hearts that He bought
So when the questions dissolve
Into the silence of God
The aching may remain
But the the breaking does not
The aching may remain
But the the breaking does not
In the holy, lonesome echo
Of the silence of God
Thursday, December 29, 2011
A broken mixer
It has been, to say the least, a very rough 2 months. Since Evan's hours were cut at work...it has been so hard. The bottom fell out and we were left with so little. We scrambled to put ourselves on a TIGHT budget. Some weeks I just cannot believe we still have food to eat...but we do. It amazes me as I stand back, throw my hands in the air, and tell God we can't do it alone...that the cabinets remain full. Our meals are certainly creative most of the time but our plates are full and we are fed. I have seen the kindness of others come to our aid without ever asking...God provides.
I began searching for a job in October. Lets just say...the pickings are SLIM for a woman who chose to stay home to care for her children. I have gotten so very discouraged. I made Evan promise not to tell anyone in his family. Why, you ask...because I am afraid of failing. I am embarrassed when I am not hired after each interview. I am ashamed and I feel like I am not good enough. Then came December...
In almost an instant I knew why my Father had not provided a job yet! I was constantly bombarded with orders from friends and online customers for my sewing. I was even invited to bring items to sell at a local drug store. I was just too busy to worry about the next month. My personal goal was to have a job by the end of December...but that was 30 days away. But, as each day passes my fear continues to grow. What are we going to do?
As a way to save money in giving gifts to our friends and family (along with my making 99% of the gifts) we decided to make cookies to put in tins. It was during the final 2 batches that the inevitable happened...my mixer burned out. That familiar panic began to bubble up inside. What were we going to do? We can't afford a new mixer! We can't afford to buy other gifts! WHY does this stuff happen??? But, it just happens. Things break! I told myself, God will bring me another mixer. God knows we don't eat out anymore. God knows I need a mixer to make food for my family. God will bring me a mixer. In the meantime, I employed my husband to mix the rest of the cookie batter...he needed to work those muscles while on his vacation!!! And...the cookies were baked...given...and enjoyed!
I knew God would have to provide...we simply needed this tool in our kitchen and often! I foolishly began to daydream that a red or black Kitchen Aid Stand Mixer (you know the one;-))...but that was unrealistic...possible but not likely. I threw my hands up, God, I need a mixer...and went back to work. It just so happens that my sister-in-law had recently been given her own Kitchen Aid for Christmas (swooooon!!!!) and had her old one ready for a new owner. BAM...my new (used) mixer!!!
December is almost over. I am still unemployed. I don't understand what God is doing. I am afraid...very afraid. I have prayed and prayed and cried and prayed some more. Still no job...no light at the end of this tunnel. I am afraid of living on so little. I am afraid of what we might lose if this financial situation continues. I am scared. I don't know what to do. But never once in these last 2 months have we gone without a meal. We have not been late on any bill. We have had unexpected blessings all along...making life a little brighter. God provided all the way. It was never a "kitchen aid mixer" but it was good enough to keep us going. I don't know what will happen and I am so afraid. But I know...I know we will be taken care of. Although I would like to have abundance I have to be okay with enough.
God, I will try. I didn't want to say this but, I will walk this road...if you want me to.
I began searching for a job in October. Lets just say...the pickings are SLIM for a woman who chose to stay home to care for her children. I have gotten so very discouraged. I made Evan promise not to tell anyone in his family. Why, you ask...because I am afraid of failing. I am embarrassed when I am not hired after each interview. I am ashamed and I feel like I am not good enough. Then came December...
In almost an instant I knew why my Father had not provided a job yet! I was constantly bombarded with orders from friends and online customers for my sewing. I was even invited to bring items to sell at a local drug store. I was just too busy to worry about the next month. My personal goal was to have a job by the end of December...but that was 30 days away. But, as each day passes my fear continues to grow. What are we going to do?
As a way to save money in giving gifts to our friends and family (along with my making 99% of the gifts) we decided to make cookies to put in tins. It was during the final 2 batches that the inevitable happened...my mixer burned out. That familiar panic began to bubble up inside. What were we going to do? We can't afford a new mixer! We can't afford to buy other gifts! WHY does this stuff happen??? But, it just happens. Things break! I told myself, God will bring me another mixer. God knows we don't eat out anymore. God knows I need a mixer to make food for my family. God will bring me a mixer. In the meantime, I employed my husband to mix the rest of the cookie batter...he needed to work those muscles while on his vacation!!! And...the cookies were baked...given...and enjoyed!
I knew God would have to provide...we simply needed this tool in our kitchen and often! I foolishly began to daydream that a red or black Kitchen Aid Stand Mixer (you know the one;-))...but that was unrealistic...possible but not likely. I threw my hands up, God, I need a mixer...and went back to work. It just so happens that my sister-in-law had recently been given her own Kitchen Aid for Christmas (swooooon!!!!) and had her old one ready for a new owner. BAM...my new (used) mixer!!!
December is almost over. I am still unemployed. I don't understand what God is doing. I am afraid...very afraid. I have prayed and prayed and cried and prayed some more. Still no job...no light at the end of this tunnel. I am afraid of living on so little. I am afraid of what we might lose if this financial situation continues. I am scared. I don't know what to do. But never once in these last 2 months have we gone without a meal. We have not been late on any bill. We have had unexpected blessings all along...making life a little brighter. God provided all the way. It was never a "kitchen aid mixer" but it was good enough to keep us going. I don't know what will happen and I am so afraid. But I know...I know we will be taken care of. Although I would like to have abundance I have to be okay with enough.
God, I will try. I didn't want to say this but, I will walk this road...if you want me to.
Monday, October 10, 2011
The aroma of home...
I made chili today. I make it the good way...I let it simmer all day in the crock pot. Slowly the entire house smells like my chili. It was cold and rainy outside but inside it was the perfect toasty warm. It it one of those nights when you want to cuddle up in your favorite sweats under a blanket and just enjoy whatever is going on around you. It is times like this when I can feel so so so far away from home. Nights like this are what make up a Pennsylvania winter. What I am trying to say (without feeling the shame and disgust that rush toward me) is that I miss my mother. I know that I don't miss being mistreated...I miss the mother that she should have been. It is the smells of fall, winter, Thanksgiving, and Christmas that are reminders of what was lost...they echo in the void in my heart of what will never be fulfilled. My mother will never be my mother. She will never welcome me home. I feel much like an exile here in Georgia. My heart aches to be able to look forward to going home...if even to celebrate holidays. I ache to just have a home there to go...like I am a "home" to my children. I am someone who will praise your scribbles, or your buttoning up your pajama shirt...I am a good mom in the ways that matter. My failings will never overshadow my victory and my love for my children. I will never regret cutting my mother out in order to become who I am today and who I will be years from now. Cutting her out was necessary and it was not a mistake. I mourn what should have been. I love my husband and my children and wherever I go I want them with me and where they go I want to be...but why do I feel a gaping need to have our home somewhere else. I want to go home. I find myself with teary eyes often this season...more so than the seasons past...homesick just doesn't seem to cover the pain that I feel. I want what was taken. I thought the longer I stayed on my journey to healing the less and less I would feel this way come the holidays and the cooler weather. Yet every year the longing and the pain are deeper and deeper. I catch myself saying to my husband, "I want to go home." too many times. I try to keep it to myself so I don't make him feel that he hasn't already given me whatever I need because he sure has. I guess those times I lament to him are when the pain just becomes too much and it spills out. God, I want to go home. I feel empty now. I try to be content, you know I do!! I still feel empty.
Tuesday, August 9, 2011
Grace and Forgiveness?
I wonder what God would say if I asked Him...if this, my life, is how it was all meant to be. Is the past what is in the script? I mean, I know it can't be changed...it is what it is...but, since He knew all that would happen even as He was hanging the sun in its place...is this all as it was meant to be? Maybe, maybe not. I know that He knew...He gave me a way out either way. Other's made the choice not to love me. As sad as that is and as painful a reality it is...there was a way out. Certainly not an easy way...but a way from the darkness into the light. God was always in control. He never let them kill me...both physically and emotionally. I still breath, though some days I feel like any breath brings pain...as if my body should be black and blue...but there is life still. It hurts to know my parents thought nothing of me. It hurts to realize I wasn't enough to make them change or choose me...to love me. But it was never my fault. They made choices and I am separate from that...now. Don't ever think I didn't let it take me over. Don't ever think I didn't let them harden me. I believed every lie my mother told me. I believed I was what little she thought of me. I believed my father wouldn't want me as I was. No one could penetrate those lies because it was much safer to believe a lie. It is safer to live the lie than to ever have to take a chance...to have hope and trust. I guess I almost let them kill me.
My father, the man with half the credit for my existence and I have never seen his face. There is an emptiness still because there is so much I do not know. To all those who have sat with me in "recovery" know that I never speak of him much. I would no sooner let you stand on an actual open would either. My father's abandonment cuts me deep. It brings as much shame as it brings pain. I often wonder if people think that I must not be worth anything if my own father saw nothing worth sticking around. I know it seems ridiculous but I grew up with that as if it just...was. I ache to know what it must feel like to be a daughter...let alone to say, "this is my father". What do those words taste like? It must feel so comforting, so peaceful to point to a man and know he stood over you during your most tender years. What does it feel like to be a daughter...to be looked at with pride? No one I know can say, "she is mine!" about me. I know God does...but oh to hear an other's audible voice say to me, "My daughter, I am so proud of you." I feel such a great great sense of loss. A stronger person might say that all this is what God will say to them when they reach Heaven, and I know that He will...sweet Jesus! But I would be lying if I said that I don't want these things here on earth. I want my mother to love me. I want my father to come back and just...hold on to me. I want to sit in his lap (who cares if I am over 30 and a mother myself!!) and listen to him breath and hear him tell me...that he is proud of me. Why do other people get this and not me? I sometimes walk through a day and do what needs to be done. I sit with my husband and my children and I think...everyone near me is someones child. Everyone near me sits (or has sat) in their father's lap and will never know a life without it. I feel so alone sometimes. Evan has family, good and strong family scattered all over. I just don't. It is funny how in the same instant I can feel alone but so grateful to have what I have.
I have been thinking about forgiveness and what that might mean. I think of the things my husband has had to forgive me for and I know that it would ruin me if he let those things keep him from me. If I only function in our marriage because of his grace...should I not give grace in return? If I only know love and truth and eternity because God has cast my sins as far from me as the east is from the west...how can I hold onto such things?
I have to say that I don't really know what this forgiveness would look like. As you can tell, I still hurt over what was done. But that pain comes from missing out on what every human being should receive from their parents, right? I don't think I could ever say that I am glad my parents didn't love me. It may always make me sad because I missed out on knowing that kind of love and being cherished. I would have to mourn a great loss. Am I supposed to not feel that pain anymore in order to say "I forgive you"? I would have to forgive my father for leaving me behind with a woman who beat me. I would have to forgive my father for not being there to give me away on my wedding day. I would have to admit that he isn't coming back. Can I do that? Can I let that go? Can I accept that on this earth...for the rest of my life I will never be a daughter? Can I go another 50 years with the spots of my father and even my mother just being...vacant? I want to be obedient and give grace because I have received it, but what does that look like?
My father, the man with half the credit for my existence and I have never seen his face. There is an emptiness still because there is so much I do not know. To all those who have sat with me in "recovery" know that I never speak of him much. I would no sooner let you stand on an actual open would either. My father's abandonment cuts me deep. It brings as much shame as it brings pain. I often wonder if people think that I must not be worth anything if my own father saw nothing worth sticking around. I know it seems ridiculous but I grew up with that as if it just...was. I ache to know what it must feel like to be a daughter...let alone to say, "this is my father". What do those words taste like? It must feel so comforting, so peaceful to point to a man and know he stood over you during your most tender years. What does it feel like to be a daughter...to be looked at with pride? No one I know can say, "she is mine!" about me. I know God does...but oh to hear an other's audible voice say to me, "My daughter, I am so proud of you." I feel such a great great sense of loss. A stronger person might say that all this is what God will say to them when they reach Heaven, and I know that He will...sweet Jesus! But I would be lying if I said that I don't want these things here on earth. I want my mother to love me. I want my father to come back and just...hold on to me. I want to sit in his lap (who cares if I am over 30 and a mother myself!!) and listen to him breath and hear him tell me...that he is proud of me. Why do other people get this and not me? I sometimes walk through a day and do what needs to be done. I sit with my husband and my children and I think...everyone near me is someones child. Everyone near me sits (or has sat) in their father's lap and will never know a life without it. I feel so alone sometimes. Evan has family, good and strong family scattered all over. I just don't. It is funny how in the same instant I can feel alone but so grateful to have what I have.
I have been thinking about forgiveness and what that might mean. I think of the things my husband has had to forgive me for and I know that it would ruin me if he let those things keep him from me. If I only function in our marriage because of his grace...should I not give grace in return? If I only know love and truth and eternity because God has cast my sins as far from me as the east is from the west...how can I hold onto such things?
I have to say that I don't really know what this forgiveness would look like. As you can tell, I still hurt over what was done. But that pain comes from missing out on what every human being should receive from their parents, right? I don't think I could ever say that I am glad my parents didn't love me. It may always make me sad because I missed out on knowing that kind of love and being cherished. I would have to mourn a great loss. Am I supposed to not feel that pain anymore in order to say "I forgive you"? I would have to forgive my father for leaving me behind with a woman who beat me. I would have to forgive my father for not being there to give me away on my wedding day. I would have to admit that he isn't coming back. Can I do that? Can I let that go? Can I accept that on this earth...for the rest of my life I will never be a daughter? Can I go another 50 years with the spots of my father and even my mother just being...vacant? I want to be obedient and give grace because I have received it, but what does that look like?
Tuesday, July 26, 2011
Weeps for you
As my husband and I face the fact that we need a serious budget and we have decided to use Dave Ramsey's material I am faced with some hidden scars. Scars that I have let control our finances and my spending. We are certainly not living in poverty but are not well-to-do. We find ourselves somewhere on the far side of comfortable. As my husband has been pushing this whole budget stuff I have begun to realize the deep hole I have dug. I am one of those emotional spenders. Much like a person who eats their emotions...I am one who enjoys "retail therapy". In the 7 years now that I have had to face my past and cut my mother out, etc. I must have been filling the loss up with what was taken...mainly just things most people enjoy. "Take that you evil, greedy B**CH!". But to make up for "lost time" I went overboard!! My mother didn't spend money on me. If she did HAVE to she did it begrudgingly and poured out guilt all over what was purchased. To this day, when I purchase something for myself it has guilt woven into it. I wear it (or use it) with this guilt "defect" running through it because it is all that I deserve. It almost feels like a lie. "You think I look nice but you don't know the truth...I don't deserve to look nice or have nice things." In these 3 years or so we have been in our struggle with Eli I have been so angry that I cannot control what is happening to my son. How does a mommy out of control ease her child's pain? She buys him a toy after every doctors appointment...and there have been so many. I couldn't face the truth so I soothed both of us with a toy. I fought the invisable foe with my credit card and it felt good!!! "Take that you friggin autism, speech delay, severe developmental delay...or whatever you are!!!". I needed to see some joy on my son's face after his turmoil. That in itself isn't always so bad, I know, but there is just a point when it is literally too much. Now, I have to fess up and come clean about the mess I have made. I have to stand in front of my husband one more time and make a painful confession. That man deserves many mansions, I am telling you!!! As I prepare for a very pain filled confession I am reminded of the many times I have felt the weight of facing truth throughout this journey. Right now I feel that familiar weight in my chest as if this time it will kill me. This time it is too much. I remember standing outside the home where we had our group counseling sessions (Cindy's) and begging myself to just get back in the car and drive away. What waited in that house was sure pain...it was as if I were going to be stripped naked in a room full of people. It was as if the tears would sting and all the bruises from my mother would be felt all at the same time. But I always went back. Of course I drove away a few times...but I went back. I believed that the battle was the gateway to being rid of all that S**T!!! I was promised that this journey was the way. I was promised that there was a different Ashley on the other side of the dark swamp. It was the hardest time in my life. Facing the truth made the time being my mother's victim seem easy. Continuing to live as a victim even after she was long gone would have been easier than walking through the threshold of that house. The times I went were out of obedience...simply knowing that was the right thing to do. I didn't like it but it was better than feeling guilt over not going. It took so long but each time I went...each time I faced even small truth, I chipped away the crusty shell my mother, my father, and any other person had poured out over me. I "kicked it in the crotch", if you will. And here I am! This debt crap is certainly not the highest mountain I have ever climbed. If my husband can find forgiveness (and it may take some time), the sting of the truth will soon fade.
After my last post I got so many emails from you all. Ha ha, it is as if you all know that I obsessively check email to see your validation which always comes from my faithful! Anyway, I knew it would touch you as women because AS women we all seem to deal with the weight issue. Some of us it is a choice...some of us it was not so much. For some of us weight is our dark swamp...a journey through "fire" to clean up the mess someone else made for us. And in every swamp there are hidden dangers. As we tackle the surface the hidden dangers (the forgotten memories...the painful triggers) threaten us...to the very core. We feel the threats, the pain, the truth in our bones. To those of you in that very swamp...I love you. It isn't fair...but it still is... If only my soul could be as beautiful as yours. Your body is only temporary in this life...(or maybe not;-)) For you my heart is tender and my soul cries out for you as you tackle your swampy future. I don't care what that person looks like on the outside because on the inside she is healed...she is clean...she is redeemed!!! There IS a promise of a different you at the other end...take that to the bank. And as for those that have or will threaten your life...give them a good kick in the "you know what's". It will sting and you will cry, curse, etc. but it is now you and God...those other jerks are just dust. You know what threshold you need to walk through...sweetie, that is half the battle!!
I am so thankful for music, once again. I am refreshed whenever an artist can produce a song that can remind me of where I have come and make me thankful I am not there any longer. I was telling a friend a few weeks ago that I feel like there are two kinds of faith. Faith that some have breeded into them. Faith that is as much a part of them as their arms or legs. They think faith and cannot part from it...it is their firm foundation. There are those of us who have to break down the lies and build up a firm foundation often through some kind of recovery. Things in this life threaten us and we have a choice...we may not have Truth as our first reaction. We can fall back to the lies (easy) or we can choose (sometimes painfully) to "have faith" and remember what happened the last time we had to make such a choice. No faith is better than the other...no faith is rewarded more. Both carry us to an eternity with our Father. An eternity without being fatherless...oh, God, yes please!!! Anyway, I always sort of resented when people said that Jesus cried with me all those years. It kind of pissed me off to think of Jesus crying when I was being molested...um, INTERVENE!!!! As a parent I can understand a little more. There are things that happen to our children that cannot be helped. Sometimes it was our choice or even an other's choice and to intervene would make a mess. I wonder what makes God weep more...when we are being molested or knowing this is what will bring us to His arms eventually? Or which tears at Him more...love for the victim or love for the perpetrator? God loved my mother and still does. God loved my step father and still does. That is okay with me...today anyway;-) ...Oh, the song, right! I heard this song and it made me realize that thinking of Jesus crying isn't that He isn't intervening...love, true love, opens us to pain and joy...often at the same time. Maybe Jesus cries because he cannot send lightening bolts!!! Maybe Jesus cries about the day we will lay that very moment at His feet.
Weeps For You by Jonny Diaz
She's sitting in the pew on Sunday morning
Praying what the pastor says can change her broken life
And the rain outside has really started pouring
But the darkest clouds of all are the ones she feels inside
She looks up at Jesus carved in stained glass
And her heart feels as heavy as the sky
She wonders if he hears her desperate prayers
And is that rain or are those tears he's crying
Did you know that He weeps for you
Cause he knows what you're going through
Even when you feel lost and scared
He promises that he'll still be there
Did you know his heart breaks for you
and there is one thing that's always true
that in your worst of times you'll never cry alone
Did you know he weeps for you
He's sitting in the waiting room at St. Jude's
Holding his wife's hand and what little hope that's left
But when the doctor enters in his head is shaking
He says I am so sorry... but we tried our very best
Out of the corner of his eye he sees a painting
Of Jesus cradling a baby lamb
And he can see as he looks through his own tears
That the savior is now crying along with him
Did you know that He weeps for you
Cause he knows what you're going through
Even when you feel lost and scared
He promises that he'll still be there
Did you know his heart breaks for you
and there is one thing that's always true
that in your worst of times you'll never cry alone
Did you know he weeps for you
He never did promise that it would be easy
There are bumps in the road, no matter where you go
But he went before us..so we don't have to go alone
Did you know that He weeps for you
Cause he knows what you're going through
Even when you feel lost and scared
He promises that he'll still be there
Did you know his heart breaks for you
and there is one thing that's always true
that in your worst of times you'll never cry alone
Did you know he weeps for you
After my last post I got so many emails from you all. Ha ha, it is as if you all know that I obsessively check email to see your validation which always comes from my faithful! Anyway, I knew it would touch you as women because AS women we all seem to deal with the weight issue. Some of us it is a choice...some of us it was not so much. For some of us weight is our dark swamp...a journey through "fire" to clean up the mess someone else made for us. And in every swamp there are hidden dangers. As we tackle the surface the hidden dangers (the forgotten memories...the painful triggers) threaten us...to the very core. We feel the threats, the pain, the truth in our bones. To those of you in that very swamp...I love you. It isn't fair...but it still is... If only my soul could be as beautiful as yours. Your body is only temporary in this life...(or maybe not;-)) For you my heart is tender and my soul cries out for you as you tackle your swampy future. I don't care what that person looks like on the outside because on the inside she is healed...she is clean...she is redeemed!!! There IS a promise of a different you at the other end...take that to the bank. And as for those that have or will threaten your life...give them a good kick in the "you know what's". It will sting and you will cry, curse, etc. but it is now you and God...those other jerks are just dust. You know what threshold you need to walk through...sweetie, that is half the battle!!
I am so thankful for music, once again. I am refreshed whenever an artist can produce a song that can remind me of where I have come and make me thankful I am not there any longer. I was telling a friend a few weeks ago that I feel like there are two kinds of faith. Faith that some have breeded into them. Faith that is as much a part of them as their arms or legs. They think faith and cannot part from it...it is their firm foundation. There are those of us who have to break down the lies and build up a firm foundation often through some kind of recovery. Things in this life threaten us and we have a choice...we may not have Truth as our first reaction. We can fall back to the lies (easy) or we can choose (sometimes painfully) to "have faith" and remember what happened the last time we had to make such a choice. No faith is better than the other...no faith is rewarded more. Both carry us to an eternity with our Father. An eternity without being fatherless...oh, God, yes please!!! Anyway, I always sort of resented when people said that Jesus cried with me all those years. It kind of pissed me off to think of Jesus crying when I was being molested...um, INTERVENE!!!! As a parent I can understand a little more. There are things that happen to our children that cannot be helped. Sometimes it was our choice or even an other's choice and to intervene would make a mess. I wonder what makes God weep more...when we are being molested or knowing this is what will bring us to His arms eventually? Or which tears at Him more...love for the victim or love for the perpetrator? God loved my mother and still does. God loved my step father and still does. That is okay with me...today anyway;-) ...Oh, the song, right! I heard this song and it made me realize that thinking of Jesus crying isn't that He isn't intervening...love, true love, opens us to pain and joy...often at the same time. Maybe Jesus cries because he cannot send lightening bolts!!! Maybe Jesus cries about the day we will lay that very moment at His feet.
Weeps For You by Jonny Diaz
She's sitting in the pew on Sunday morning
Praying what the pastor says can change her broken life
And the rain outside has really started pouring
But the darkest clouds of all are the ones she feels inside
She looks up at Jesus carved in stained glass
And her heart feels as heavy as the sky
She wonders if he hears her desperate prayers
And is that rain or are those tears he's crying
Did you know that He weeps for you
Cause he knows what you're going through
Even when you feel lost and scared
He promises that he'll still be there
Did you know his heart breaks for you
and there is one thing that's always true
that in your worst of times you'll never cry alone
Did you know he weeps for you
He's sitting in the waiting room at St. Jude's
Holding his wife's hand and what little hope that's left
But when the doctor enters in his head is shaking
He says I am so sorry... but we tried our very best
Out of the corner of his eye he sees a painting
Of Jesus cradling a baby lamb
And he can see as he looks through his own tears
That the savior is now crying along with him
Did you know that He weeps for you
Cause he knows what you're going through
Even when you feel lost and scared
He promises that he'll still be there
Did you know his heart breaks for you
and there is one thing that's always true
that in your worst of times you'll never cry alone
Did you know he weeps for you
He never did promise that it would be easy
There are bumps in the road, no matter where you go
But he went before us..so we don't have to go alone
Did you know that He weeps for you
Cause he knows what you're going through
Even when you feel lost and scared
He promises that he'll still be there
Did you know his heart breaks for you
and there is one thing that's always true
that in your worst of times you'll never cry alone
Did you know he weeps for you
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