It has been a rough couple of days. I have felt...just desperation to be rid of this storm we are currently enduring. I am still without a job. My faith is fraying at the ends...and it seems things around me will never stop crumbling to the ground.
During the holiday season a part on my embroidery machine was damaged making every project a hit or miss. Each time I have to use the machine my stomach turns in knots...just waiting for it to screw up. Today, I took Maddie out to play and took some pictures of new products to post online. I got back home to edit the pics and put a DVD on for Maddie so that I could work with a little peace. She came to me and said the TV was broken...indeed, the screen had gone black and won't turn back on.
I can hear you....I KNOW it is just a TV!!! But I just don't get it! I believe everything happens for a reason. Maybe that makes me read into things too much, but God, COME ON!!!! Seriously?!?!?! What next? Will the house burn down? Will our septic mess up again??
I have been day dreaming lately...of home. I feel pain at being stuck where I am. I thought to myself, "Why do I want to go home so badly? What waits there for me...more rejection??!!". I needed to know why I can't be happy where I am now...It is because I want to be taken care of. I want to feel like I belong. I want to run away from this mess. I want to run so so so badly. I am tired of the fear and I am tired of the pain...I am tired of the fight! My childhood was...horrendous...but I found solace in my surroundings. There was comfort in the snow, the cold, the secret places I found. The previous times when I found myself in a fight I could run away...if only in my mind. Now, for some reason, I can't seem to run near-by...I want to run home!
Like I said, I believe things happen for a reason. My embroidery machine is messed up and that was my only way to contribute to relieving our circumstances a bit. The TV is broken, our last bit of inexpensive "fun". (I hear you again but remember, Eli does not enjoy board games!!!). I just don't get it. In fact, I am getting a little pissed! Do I need to scream out loud towards the Heavens so that I will finally be heard?? God, when are you going to show up? YOU know I have prayed and wept over this...I have begged you to show me a job!!! I am not asking for the debt to disappear...I am taking responsibility!! Why do you leave me so so so alone? When are you going to do what You have promised and TAKE CARE OF US???? I feel like we have been left to fend for ourselves...punished and shunned! I try to believe and I try to have faith but it keeps coming with no light at the end of the tunnel. I know we are not poor...in fact we are rich. But I have fear...what if someone gets sick...what if the car breaks down...we'd be left abandoned because there is...nothing!!
As always, I am reminded of a song! Andrew Peterson's "Silence of God". I have weathered...so very much. So much that there are times my body feels twice its age. I walk this life and feel so very weary at times...and lonely. I know, among my family and friends, I still keep to myself as my heart is still mending from the past...I am the cause of my loneliness. In the last few months...since our world began to crumble, I have found myself holding tighter to Faith...knowing it is only God that stands between us and being without food and a home. I guess I expected a reward for that...I am not assuming that reward is not coming any time soon. God has been silent...even when I thought He was leading me down a path to a sure job...it never happened. I was left standing alone in silence. I still don't know what is going to happen. I feel like a failure left and right...I am not good enough. But I am reminded of the burden and the sorrow my Jesus felt in the hours before He would suffer for my freedom. God was silent. Even Jesus got frustrated with His Father's silence...but still, God looked down on His son bleeding and dying and was...silent. I want to know the future and I don't want this burden any longer. I am not happy and I do not move into each day with "peace" and a "joy in my heart". I am sad but I move into each day hoping that will be the day I will hear from God because I know He is the one who will rescue us from this storm. It may just take a miracle...whatever the answer will be I know where it comes...and I wait anxiously for my Rescuer!!!
The Silence Of God lyrics
It's enough to drive a man crazy
It'll break a man's faith
It's enough to make him wonder
If he's been sane
When he's bleating for comfort
From Thy staff and Thy rod
And the heavens' only answer
Is the silence of God
And it'll shake a man's timbers
When he loses his heart
When he has to remember
What broke him apart
And this yoke may be easy
But this burden is not
And the crying fields are frozen
By the silence of God
If a man has got to listen
To the voices of the mob
Who are reeling in the throes
Of all the happiness they've got
When they tell you all their troubles
Have been nailed up to that cross
What about the times when even
Followers get lost
'Cause we all get lost sometimes
There's a statue of Jesus
On a monastery knoll
In the hills of Kentucky
All quiet and cold
And He's kneeling in the garden
Silent as a stone
And all His friends are sleeping
And He's weeping all alone
And the man of all sorrows
He never forgot
What sorrow is carried
By the hearts that He bought
So when the questions dissolve
Into the silence of God
The aching may remain
But the the breaking does not
The aching may remain
But the the breaking does not
In the holy, lonesome echo
Of the silence of God
No comments:
Post a Comment