Women...we are made in a special way. Passion, love, anger, laughter, etc all wrapped into a pretty "package". The weaker sex...are not so weak! We may not lift cars over our heads but strength comes with many disguises. Most days of the month I would tell you I am proud I was made a woman. I'd tell you that we get the better role because we get to carry babies and go shopping for nice things (of course those are not of equal value to me). With the former comes a down side...one we can ungratefully thank Eve...PMS and "Aunt Flo"! I feel that the older I get the more uncontrollable these premenstrual symptoms get. So out of control that last month I was diagnosed with PMDD or Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder and prescribed Prozac. PMDD is basically symptoms of PMS only much much stronger. I described a span of about 5 days when I felt totally out of control over my emotions. I couldn't sleep and my body was tight with tension. When I woke up on the 6th day it was like I had slept for 24 hours. I felt lighter, enthusiastic, and happy. A total turn around.
A few times I have been "offered" medication for depression. In the years after my marriage but before I began my healing process I confessed to my husband that I thought I was depressed. After beginning the healing process I became determined to handle things on my own. I admired people who didn't have a "hang up" about medicating themselves...or didn't let it bother them. I couldn't admit my weakness was sometimes more that I could handle. This is a touchy subject especially in the church. I have heard interviews and read articles saying taking medication is ripping away trust in God and believing in God's healing power. I have to admit, I believed that to a point. I believe that many people suffering from psychiatric problems were once victims as children. I am no doctor so I can only speak from my own experience. I was functional as long as I was at home. Once I moved out the skills I'd used to survive my mother were no longer valid. I was lost. Actually, the word "lost" doesn't seem to weigh enough to cover what I was going through. I had absolutely no social skills. I was suspicious of everyone. I couldn't fit in anywhere. I might get close to someone but I would run away in fear. I was so awkward and weird. Not being able to fit in took a toll on my already minimal self esteem. Meanwhile I was trying to function on the outside with the leftovers of physical, emotional, and sexual abuse on the inside. I often couldn't contain my pain and resorted to cutting myself to get some kind of relief. I stopped after another girl was caught cutting herself. Her parents were called and everyone knew what she had done. My mind filled with the things that would happen to me if my mother found out I was doing the same. I cried myself to sleep most nights...even into my marriage. I was in a constant state of anger or rage. I rarely laughed or smiled. I fought with my husband constantly. Things had to be my way or no way. If something went wrong I lost my mind! I'd retreat and become reclusive. I certainly couldn't concentrate or perform in college and of course my grades suffered. As I have said before, I felt like the Antichrist. I am serious! I really felt like I was going to fulfill the role of the Antichrist...I felt evil. All of this lead me to feel like I was fooling everyone. No one knew how truly bad I was. It was only a matter of time. I literally felt that at some point in my life I would end up in a psychiatric hospital...no lie! I would hold it together as long as I possibly could but it would all end in psychosis! I just had to hide it as long as possible.
I do believe that God can heal in an instant. I have begged Him for healing hundreds of times but it has never come in an instant. I was begging God for the easy way out. If God had given me the easy way out I would no doubt find myself in trouble again lacking the wisdom I would have learned from overcoming the past. Like a good parent, God wanted what was best for me now so I can thrive in the future. I have been in this journey for 6 years now. I have come a long long way in 6 years but as most of us know this is a life long process. Scars fade but they never really disappear. I will fight this until I die...but that is okay. I wonder if my next battle is again with the emotional scars. I have never taken up the offers for depression medication. I think it was fear that kept me away from the help they might offer. I was afraid of addiction...I was afraid of not being myself...I was afraid my husband would love the wife on medication more than the wife I really was. Who could blame him?
Then, a few months ago, I was overcome with the symptoms I described above. I thank the Lord I never got physical with my kids, but I raised my voice (okay, I YELLED a lot!). I wasn't able to enjoy them or anything really. I found myself in tears at not being in control over my own emotions...my own body. I never wanted to take medication. I never wanted to admit it had all become to much to bare. I know the things that were done to me so I know that it is in me to do the same to my children. That I CANNOT bare. It takes a lot out of me to admit I can't control "it" on my own. I look 20 years down the road. What will matter more; that my children are happy and functioning adults or that I had to take a few pills every month to help things not get out of hand? Ugh, it is a daily choice sometimes. If I know that I am feeling the "symptoms" do I choose something I think shows weakness in me (a pill) or do I forsake all stigma and choose my children over it all? I choose my children. I will always ultimately choose my children.
Tuesday, July 20, 2010
Thursday, July 8, 2010
The best advice
I read this in a story about billionaire, Warren Buffett, today. No doubt the journalist was hoping for some stock market key to a quick fortune when she asked him what was the best advice he ever received...but that isn't what she was given. Buffet recounts the best advice he's ever received, "The power of unconditional love. I mean, there is no power on earth like unconditional love. And I think that if you offered that to your child, I mean you’re 90 percent of the way home. There may be days when you don’t feel like it, it’s not uncritical love, that’s a different animal, but to know you can always come back, that is huge in life. That takes you a long, long way. And I would say that every parent out there that can extend that to their child at an early age, it’s going to make for a better human being." WOW!!! This from a man who can give his kids ANYTHING they ever had a small want for but he would rather enrich them with love. he would rather build their character than their collection of toys.
Buffet comments that his own father loved him unconditionally. I understand (I mean a seriously bitter understanding) that being shown a love like this makes it a HELL of a lot easier to give it away. We know that Jesus allowed Himself to be beaten and nailed to a cross because He would rather Himself die than any of us...we can know that but do you ever wish you could have seen Jesus? I do!! I WISH I could have been one of those children running to sit as close as I could to Jesus. I WISH I could have felt His Fatherly touch on my face. I know, I know I can return to be "like a child" but don't say it to me! I can NEVER get a second chance to be a little girl! I can never go back and live a safe childhood. It just wasn't meant to be. Some would call me a "doubting Thomas" because I want to SEE Jesus. Don't worry, I'd rather speak my own truth than stand behind what I am "supposed" to do. I want to see Jesus. I want him to sit next to me and tell me what the truth is..I want him to be visible to my eyes...I want a picture to put in a frame to remind me of my good friend J.C.!!! But do I really want that? *sigh*No, not really. I mean, wouldn't putting Jesus in a frame somehow put a limit on Him? If I could touch him...wouldn't I eventually forget? If I could sit with him...wouldn't I eventually have to look away or say goodbye? Wouldn't that put an end to my faith? I mean isn't it my drive in life to do the best I possibly can so that I can die (in God's time...I am not suicidal!!) and LOOK out and see JESUS???
My past is what it is. As I have said before I wouldn't change it (I couldn't anyway...even though I've tried!). Would I be sitting here right now typing out these words if I was loved as a child? Nope! Would I even be able to hold company with those of you that read this? I could but it would not be the intimacy we share. So, I am good. I will take what I have and keep pressing on...bound to fail again and again...but get up, brush myself off and hope no one saw!! But seriously, I too wish I could pave the way in life for my children. I wish I could be perfection for them. I wish I was a billionaire so they would want for nothing. I KNOW I try to make up for my low self esteem as a mother when I buy my kids things they don't really need. Truth is, they forget about those things within a millisecond of receiving them...and then I am left to "prove" my worth again. Prove it to whom? They don't understand what I am doing! Will a pretty doll make Maddies "owie" go away next time? Not at all...but mommy's kiss will. Will Eli's new Buzz Lightyear shirt comfort him when he wakes up in the middle of the night? Nope, but mommy's hugs will. Bottom line, my kids know where to run when they are hurt or scared. They can't run to me when they are 30 and fall off of something (Eli will most likely still be climbing things when he is that age!)! But they will know it is safe to cry, it is safe to be angry, it is safe to go to someone you love...and a whole bunch of other things I cannot understand as the messed up person I am (lol!). Love will fill the holes. God promises us this...I don't often see how love can bypass my craziness but...I have to believe the God who let his own son leave home knowing the only way he'd see him again was after his son had died a gruesome death JUST so God could usher me into heaven someday. I can't wake up in the morning and think if I hug and kiss my kids that I no longer have to sort through the crap I wade in from the past. THAT would not be love. I am saying that I will fail. I will lose my temper. I will (and do) raise my voice. If I have laid a foundation of love...and prove it again and again, love will cover the mistakes and my kids will be whole human beings. On that day mom will take a looooooong nap! Unconditional love is exhausting and a little messy!!
Buffet comments that his own father loved him unconditionally. I understand (I mean a seriously bitter understanding) that being shown a love like this makes it a HELL of a lot easier to give it away. We know that Jesus allowed Himself to be beaten and nailed to a cross because He would rather Himself die than any of us...we can know that but do you ever wish you could have seen Jesus? I do!! I WISH I could have been one of those children running to sit as close as I could to Jesus. I WISH I could have felt His Fatherly touch on my face. I know, I know I can return to be "like a child" but don't say it to me! I can NEVER get a second chance to be a little girl! I can never go back and live a safe childhood. It just wasn't meant to be. Some would call me a "doubting Thomas" because I want to SEE Jesus. Don't worry, I'd rather speak my own truth than stand behind what I am "supposed" to do. I want to see Jesus. I want him to sit next to me and tell me what the truth is..I want him to be visible to my eyes...I want a picture to put in a frame to remind me of my good friend J.C.!!! But do I really want that? *sigh*No, not really. I mean, wouldn't putting Jesus in a frame somehow put a limit on Him? If I could touch him...wouldn't I eventually forget? If I could sit with him...wouldn't I eventually have to look away or say goodbye? Wouldn't that put an end to my faith? I mean isn't it my drive in life to do the best I possibly can so that I can die (in God's time...I am not suicidal!!) and LOOK out and see JESUS???
My past is what it is. As I have said before I wouldn't change it (I couldn't anyway...even though I've tried!). Would I be sitting here right now typing out these words if I was loved as a child? Nope! Would I even be able to hold company with those of you that read this? I could but it would not be the intimacy we share. So, I am good. I will take what I have and keep pressing on...bound to fail again and again...but get up, brush myself off and hope no one saw!! But seriously, I too wish I could pave the way in life for my children. I wish I could be perfection for them. I wish I was a billionaire so they would want for nothing. I KNOW I try to make up for my low self esteem as a mother when I buy my kids things they don't really need. Truth is, they forget about those things within a millisecond of receiving them...and then I am left to "prove" my worth again. Prove it to whom? They don't understand what I am doing! Will a pretty doll make Maddies "owie" go away next time? Not at all...but mommy's kiss will. Will Eli's new Buzz Lightyear shirt comfort him when he wakes up in the middle of the night? Nope, but mommy's hugs will. Bottom line, my kids know where to run when they are hurt or scared. They can't run to me when they are 30 and fall off of something (Eli will most likely still be climbing things when he is that age!)! But they will know it is safe to cry, it is safe to be angry, it is safe to go to someone you love...and a whole bunch of other things I cannot understand as the messed up person I am (lol!). Love will fill the holes. God promises us this...I don't often see how love can bypass my craziness but...I have to believe the God who let his own son leave home knowing the only way he'd see him again was after his son had died a gruesome death JUST so God could usher me into heaven someday. I can't wake up in the morning and think if I hug and kiss my kids that I no longer have to sort through the crap I wade in from the past. THAT would not be love. I am saying that I will fail. I will lose my temper. I will (and do) raise my voice. If I have laid a foundation of love...and prove it again and again, love will cover the mistakes and my kids will be whole human beings. On that day mom will take a looooooong nap! Unconditional love is exhausting and a little messy!!
Sunday, July 4, 2010
High treason
We had an interesting discussion in small groups today at church. Someone remarked how they thought it odd or uncomfortable that people would stand up (unprovoked) during a patriotic song but might not do the same during a song that spoke about our heavenly citizenship. Where or how do we separate patriotism from being "of the world"? Someone even mentioned that they believed the country was indeed NOT founded on biblical principles. Which sparked a debate. Not to mention one man's feeling awkward at saying the pledge of allegiance in church. I thought about this to myself (although the history teacher in me was SCREAMING to be heard!!). I thought of the very fact of our debating over such things about our country INSIDE of a church...the irony was too much. You have to take all this in from a historical perspective. We get hot under the collar and yell at each other over religion and patriotism because we are spoiled. Very few places in the world will allow such outspokenness...often speaking out will land you in jail or worse. Opinions are not as tolerated as they are on our soil. Two hundred and thirty five years ago our country was born. It was not a joyous occasion for all. We didn't get swaddled and kissed by "mommy". We were born out of rebellion...we could be considered a "bastard child" if you will. Meeting in Independence Hall (as it is now known) was treason...not to mention drafting and then SIGNING the Declaration of Independence! Imagine if your own child wrote you a letter basically saying they were moving out and emancipating themselves because they didn't like the way you and dad spent the income! Yes, the colonies were the epitome of the unruly child. But there is a beauty in that. I myself am the mother of a strong willed child. It is a rough place to be but I can see past the tantrums and high pitched screams...her spirit. As a child, Madeline cannot control her desire for what she wants...she has no boundaries or self control. She doesn't give up easily...hence the 7 minute screaming fits!! What passion that will turn into!! How safe those whom she will love will be in her arms. She will fight for what she knows is right...stubbornness isn't always bad. My girl is just like me! The colonists had their reasons for their "rebellious streak". The men who signed the declaration faced torture and death if they had lost the war. They had passion and they were stubborn! What if they had not been this way? We'd be sitting in a Catholic Church guarding what we said against the Queen! This was one tantrum I am thankful for. Is not the woman (or man) who seeks healing from his past not in rebellion too? She dares to question the "way it has always been". She dares face pain and past in the face...not always winning the battle but winning the war. Is she not brave and courageous?? Does she not face a giant demanding it release her?
I had to laugh when the comment was made that our country was not founded on biblical principles. Not all the framers of the constitution were considered (or considered themselves) Christians. A large majority of they didn't live the lives of what we would consider "Christian". George Washington himself had slaves and even "bought" (sure he did) these slaves teeth to create on of his infamous dentures. He did not value all life as equal. He did believe that God had saved him from death many times throughout his lifetime so that he could lead this newly formed nation. Otherwise, he would have turned down the Presidency. Bottom line, our founding fathers were just as flawed as we are today. Society was more accepting of the bible and the state (government) being intermingled or unseperated from religion. It was all that any man had known. To question that...well, there wasn't much of a question. Besides, even the non-christian could see the value in "biblical" principles. Do not steal, do not murder, etc. We also have to remember the "attitude" on slavery. White men believed that God had nothing against slavery. Although, the doubt was already present with some. White men simply believed the African was below him. He had been taught this by his father and he would teach this to his son. Women were also inferior because that is just the way it was. We know that this is NOT the way God felt. We KNOW God created us all and we are all equal in his sight. We also know the horrendous events that transpired because of this "belief" among early Americans. I don't excuse slavery. To lord over another human being is evil. But to say that our country was not founded on Biblical principles is not true. We cannot blame John Adams for abortion laws of today. Get real people! There wouldn't be so many amendments to the constitution if the men who wrote it were without sin or sinful attitudes. Our country grows and it changes. The Constitution is a foundation. I admire the rebellious people who stood up to King George! These men were not perfect. Some made HUGE mistakes. But why would I expect them to be perfect. Only Jesus was without sin. Jesus is set apart. I am an American. I am proud to live here and (most of the time) there is no where else I would rather be. I will not be here forever. Someday I will die and go to my real home. I do not worship or have a worship attitude when I sing "America the Beautiful". I know that the pledge of allegiance was originally propaganda meant to drill "allegiance" into the children of a new nation. If I keep an attitude of Heaven as my HOME this does not bother me. There is history all around me. To forget the past condemns us to repeat it's mistakes. We ALL know that all too well. I remember the times my mother beat me, spat on me, or said she hated me...I remember them clear as day. Do they spark me into hate, sometimes. Do they make me mad, sometimes. Do they keep me in sadness, NO! I see how far I have come. I see the future when I watch my daughter walk down the isle knowing I did the very best I could and she is a whole woman! I get courage from the past. I face my daily healing and my future with bravery. I fail. I fail BIG TIME! But the war will be won. Every battle gives me strength and wisdom for the next. I am in rebellion too. I rebel against the cycle of abuse for generations past. I rebel against beating and hating my own children as I was taught to do. I rebel against my mother and have lost because of it. Rebellion is not beautiful...often painful and bloody but I will not give up. Founding fathers, however flawed, had a GREAT idea! Happy 4th of July everyone. See you around our this land till we all go HOME!!!
I had to laugh when the comment was made that our country was not founded on biblical principles. Not all the framers of the constitution were considered (or considered themselves) Christians. A large majority of they didn't live the lives of what we would consider "Christian". George Washington himself had slaves and even "bought" (sure he did) these slaves teeth to create on of his infamous dentures. He did not value all life as equal. He did believe that God had saved him from death many times throughout his lifetime so that he could lead this newly formed nation. Otherwise, he would have turned down the Presidency. Bottom line, our founding fathers were just as flawed as we are today. Society was more accepting of the bible and the state (government) being intermingled or unseperated from religion. It was all that any man had known. To question that...well, there wasn't much of a question. Besides, even the non-christian could see the value in "biblical" principles. Do not steal, do not murder, etc. We also have to remember the "attitude" on slavery. White men believed that God had nothing against slavery. Although, the doubt was already present with some. White men simply believed the African was below him. He had been taught this by his father and he would teach this to his son. Women were also inferior because that is just the way it was. We know that this is NOT the way God felt. We KNOW God created us all and we are all equal in his sight. We also know the horrendous events that transpired because of this "belief" among early Americans. I don't excuse slavery. To lord over another human being is evil. But to say that our country was not founded on Biblical principles is not true. We cannot blame John Adams for abortion laws of today. Get real people! There wouldn't be so many amendments to the constitution if the men who wrote it were without sin or sinful attitudes. Our country grows and it changes. The Constitution is a foundation. I admire the rebellious people who stood up to King George! These men were not perfect. Some made HUGE mistakes. But why would I expect them to be perfect. Only Jesus was without sin. Jesus is set apart. I am an American. I am proud to live here and (most of the time) there is no where else I would rather be. I will not be here forever. Someday I will die and go to my real home. I do not worship or have a worship attitude when I sing "America the Beautiful". I know that the pledge of allegiance was originally propaganda meant to drill "allegiance" into the children of a new nation. If I keep an attitude of Heaven as my HOME this does not bother me. There is history all around me. To forget the past condemns us to repeat it's mistakes. We ALL know that all too well. I remember the times my mother beat me, spat on me, or said she hated me...I remember them clear as day. Do they spark me into hate, sometimes. Do they make me mad, sometimes. Do they keep me in sadness, NO! I see how far I have come. I see the future when I watch my daughter walk down the isle knowing I did the very best I could and she is a whole woman! I get courage from the past. I face my daily healing and my future with bravery. I fail. I fail BIG TIME! But the war will be won. Every battle gives me strength and wisdom for the next. I am in rebellion too. I rebel against the cycle of abuse for generations past. I rebel against beating and hating my own children as I was taught to do. I rebel against my mother and have lost because of it. Rebellion is not beautiful...often painful and bloody but I will not give up. Founding fathers, however flawed, had a GREAT idea! Happy 4th of July everyone. See you around our this land till we all go HOME!!!
Tuesday, June 22, 2010
Swallow hard
I often have times where I wish life were like a fairytale. I mean a serious fairytale. The princess is born the most beautiful little girl in all the land. Her mother is kind and her father is strong but wrapped around the heart of his little princess. He watches her grow and fights the pain of letting her go when the handsome prince comes and asks her to marry him. She (of course) makes an amazing bride with a killer sparkling gown. She is strong and confident like her mother and kind hearted like her father. She marries and has beautiful and perfect children. She never gets fat and wrinkles are reserved for the witch. Her husband adores her and her children seem to see a halo whenever they look at her. Other women in the land see her as something to become. Her humility and kindness keep her ego in check. She instructs her children in the lessons of love and good character, just like her mother did. She grows old gracefully and dies in her sleep.
I "wake" up to the sounds of my kids fighting or the television with a rush of guilt that overwhelms me because they know more about Elmo than any other subject! Life is no fairytale...it isn't even a sitcom. People get stretch marks, wrinkles corrupt the youth you can hardly remember...mommy's and daddy's don't always love their children and sometimes they don't even stay around. The "princess" is not always the center of her family always encouraging the right thing or what is honorable.
I always wonder how someone becomes one of those women...or better yet one of those moms. You know the ones. The moms that believe in their children when they want to become a rock star...an astronaut...or the first monkey to swim across the Atlantic. The moms who inspire their kids as if they and June Clever were directly related. Who's knowledge of wisdom and truth seems to be whispered in her ear directly from the lips of god...she always has the right answer. The moms who work 40+ hours a week and still manage to go to the gym, make dinner, and read to their kids...what space-time continuum have they plugged into??? The ones who's kids grow into loving human beings that feed the poor and give back to God. There is your fairytale!! How does a mother love her children just right and keep the extended family happy...how does she keep everything existing in harmony so that even she is content and at peace???
I know all of you are hitting your reply button right about now but let me continue.
First of all, a woman in a fairytale never seems to face a challenge. I can imagine her mind would be goo by the time she has raised her children after having everything handed to her her whole life. She would never struggle and she would never be wrong...sounds good some days but in the end she'd be a mindless and bored woman. She would not have many chances to call on God either.
Still, I wonder what my life would look like if I had been raised like a princess. I often see ad's with children dressed in bright clothes playing in fields of flowers. The sun is out and the weather is perfect. They are smiling and laughing. Mom and dad hold hands nearby. I guess that is what I envision when I picture a safe and loving childhood. Then there is me...I had a field too. I am surrounded by garbage, naked...and it is dark. I hardly notice I am missing my shoes as my face is expressionless. I am alone. I know it sounds like I have hit the bottom again...not so. I just get overwhelmed sometimes at having to learn how to be human because no one taught me how. This Sunday was father's day (you all knew this was coming, didn't you, lol!). It wasn't my worst one, so that was good. I can never seem to let a Father's Day go by without trying to picture my father's face. I can't seem to help it. I will always wonder I guess. My mother could always picture him when something I did or had resembled his...damn how I wished I could rip that picture from her brain!!! It seemed like she stole even his appearance from me. How can one day on the calender make me feel such bitterness and loss...loss as wide as North America. One day of remembrance can reduce me to a nothing again. I might as well be missing the right side of my body if I am expected to maneuver this world without instruction or a physical father. I go to bed and wake up the next day and life goes on. The loss is milder and even put off for another year. I fought back tears more than once Sunday...I just didn't feel like feeling like a fool spending time in this AGAIN!!!
That is not where my father's day ended. In response to my last blog, the lady who I affectionately call my "therapist" asked to meet with me. Oy, do I shutter when she asks me to "meet with her". I know there is something I have done that speaks my damage and there is a way (a way that is often more painful than just keeping going in my damage) to correct it. I know it is best to listen but it just seems easier not to. Long story short (because the details are not quite clear to me just yet...another book to read and study) it is actually unhealthy to keep Eli's grandparents out of what is going on in his life. I HATE WRITING THAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Eli will never get a chance to bond with his family and will at some point in his life feel that he is the reason he has no relationship with these people (followed by a gulp and guilty feelings). My reaction to what has been said about me/Eli is to react in anger and suspicion towards the family. (I AM STILL VERY ANGRY AND VERY SUSPICIOUS!!) Thinking I know what will happen or what will be said if we communicate Eli's issues is a bit ridiculous. Honestly it makes me feel out of control! I don't trust them! How can I offer up one of the people most precious to me....without knowing how to keep him safe?? I am scared. What if they judge me as harshly as I judge myself? What if they find out I am as bad a mom as I think I am? Will they keep comparing Eli to the other kids? What if they think our finally telling all of this excuses them from our reasons not to tell? Evan promised to speak up if anyone treats Eli as if her were retarded. Ugh, now I have to trust my husband!!
I also realized I had probably isolated Evan from his parents. I had asked him not to disclose some things which hurt their communication. Seems as if I have taken on the role of the evil witch in the fairytale. How does this happen? How do the decisions I make feel like the best and turn out to cause trouble? How can my heart be so warped from the truth?
PLUS, turns out I may have suffocated and killed my need for mothering when Diane chose Angie over me. Don't you just love a heaping helping of another problem on top of the huge plate of crap you have already served yourself??? BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! Boo to having to be in relationships! Boo to the possibility of getting hurt again! Boo to the chance I will be overlooked again! Boo to my mother (followed by a punch in the face and a kick to the knee) who should have done all the good mothering in the first place...may you and I never meet in a dark alley!!
I "wake" up to the sounds of my kids fighting or the television with a rush of guilt that overwhelms me because they know more about Elmo than any other subject! Life is no fairytale...it isn't even a sitcom. People get stretch marks, wrinkles corrupt the youth you can hardly remember...mommy's and daddy's don't always love their children and sometimes they don't even stay around. The "princess" is not always the center of her family always encouraging the right thing or what is honorable.
I always wonder how someone becomes one of those women...or better yet one of those moms. You know the ones. The moms that believe in their children when they want to become a rock star...an astronaut...or the first monkey to swim across the Atlantic. The moms who inspire their kids as if they and June Clever were directly related. Who's knowledge of wisdom and truth seems to be whispered in her ear directly from the lips of god...she always has the right answer. The moms who work 40+ hours a week and still manage to go to the gym, make dinner, and read to their kids...what space-time continuum have they plugged into??? The ones who's kids grow into loving human beings that feed the poor and give back to God. There is your fairytale!! How does a mother love her children just right and keep the extended family happy...how does she keep everything existing in harmony so that even she is content and at peace???
I know all of you are hitting your reply button right about now but let me continue.
First of all, a woman in a fairytale never seems to face a challenge. I can imagine her mind would be goo by the time she has raised her children after having everything handed to her her whole life. She would never struggle and she would never be wrong...sounds good some days but in the end she'd be a mindless and bored woman. She would not have many chances to call on God either.
Still, I wonder what my life would look like if I had been raised like a princess. I often see ad's with children dressed in bright clothes playing in fields of flowers. The sun is out and the weather is perfect. They are smiling and laughing. Mom and dad hold hands nearby. I guess that is what I envision when I picture a safe and loving childhood. Then there is me...I had a field too. I am surrounded by garbage, naked...and it is dark. I hardly notice I am missing my shoes as my face is expressionless. I am alone. I know it sounds like I have hit the bottom again...not so. I just get overwhelmed sometimes at having to learn how to be human because no one taught me how. This Sunday was father's day (you all knew this was coming, didn't you, lol!). It wasn't my worst one, so that was good. I can never seem to let a Father's Day go by without trying to picture my father's face. I can't seem to help it. I will always wonder I guess. My mother could always picture him when something I did or had resembled his...damn how I wished I could rip that picture from her brain!!! It seemed like she stole even his appearance from me. How can one day on the calender make me feel such bitterness and loss...loss as wide as North America. One day of remembrance can reduce me to a nothing again. I might as well be missing the right side of my body if I am expected to maneuver this world without instruction or a physical father. I go to bed and wake up the next day and life goes on. The loss is milder and even put off for another year. I fought back tears more than once Sunday...I just didn't feel like feeling like a fool spending time in this AGAIN!!!
That is not where my father's day ended. In response to my last blog, the lady who I affectionately call my "therapist" asked to meet with me. Oy, do I shutter when she asks me to "meet with her". I know there is something I have done that speaks my damage and there is a way (a way that is often more painful than just keeping going in my damage) to correct it. I know it is best to listen but it just seems easier not to. Long story short (because the details are not quite clear to me just yet...another book to read and study) it is actually unhealthy to keep Eli's grandparents out of what is going on in his life. I HATE WRITING THAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Eli will never get a chance to bond with his family and will at some point in his life feel that he is the reason he has no relationship with these people (followed by a gulp and guilty feelings). My reaction to what has been said about me/Eli is to react in anger and suspicion towards the family. (I AM STILL VERY ANGRY AND VERY SUSPICIOUS!!) Thinking I know what will happen or what will be said if we communicate Eli's issues is a bit ridiculous. Honestly it makes me feel out of control! I don't trust them! How can I offer up one of the people most precious to me....without knowing how to keep him safe?? I am scared. What if they judge me as harshly as I judge myself? What if they find out I am as bad a mom as I think I am? Will they keep comparing Eli to the other kids? What if they think our finally telling all of this excuses them from our reasons not to tell? Evan promised to speak up if anyone treats Eli as if her were retarded. Ugh, now I have to trust my husband!!
I also realized I had probably isolated Evan from his parents. I had asked him not to disclose some things which hurt their communication. Seems as if I have taken on the role of the evil witch in the fairytale. How does this happen? How do the decisions I make feel like the best and turn out to cause trouble? How can my heart be so warped from the truth?
PLUS, turns out I may have suffocated and killed my need for mothering when Diane chose Angie over me. Don't you just love a heaping helping of another problem on top of the huge plate of crap you have already served yourself??? BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! Boo to having to be in relationships! Boo to the possibility of getting hurt again! Boo to the chance I will be overlooked again! Boo to my mother (followed by a punch in the face and a kick to the knee) who should have done all the good mothering in the first place...may you and I never meet in a dark alley!!
Thursday, June 17, 2010
Deception and Humiliation
I was able to teach the fifth grade girls during VBS last week. It was a really great week with an age group that I enjoy. A few people asked me why I would volunteer to teach the fifth graders...I was just glad they weren't the second graders!
On the fourth day the girls and boys groups met for a relay game. The girls won by a landslide. We left the gym to walk around the building and wait in line to go inside for a snack. The boys group met up behind the girls. Their leader (a man) told them they should hold the door for the girls...the boys did so and then I saw and heard something that felt like the equivalent of shattering glass! The girls started putting the boys down and saying "Nah nah nah we won!" My mouth must have dropped and I told them to stop and we don't treat people like that! I wondered (but not for long) where they would be taught to react to respect by passing on humiliation. I know it takes a lot to motivate boys and girls of a certain age. For lack of better techniques we put boys against girls and drive them to "beat" the other. Whichever team wins is the better sex. YIKES!!! Then we expect boys to graciously hold open doors and girls to know how to receive such a gesture...HOW??? We set them up...we deceive them (even if we don't realize it) and then get "ashamed" or even impatient when they can't act t he way we'd want.
The next day in VBS we were listing ways we can honor God. In Philippians 4:4-9 we even find a sort of checklist on how to double check if what we are doing honors God. We came to "whatever is lovely" and I asked them what "lovely" meant. No one knew and I reminded them of what I had witnessed the day before. I told them that was not lovely! Lovely isn't putting on a new dress or pretty shoes...it isn't a good hair day or the right shade of eye shadow. Lovely was how they should have received the boys sign of respect. No law tells a man he should hold a door open. Men don't do that because they think women are weak. They do it simply because they respect women...they admire women. Their mothers are women...mother's who changed their dirty diapers, who held them when they cried (a man's most vulnerable state) and didn't bring him shame, men have many reasons to respect a woman. He admires the tenderness in her and wishes to bring it out as he holds the door for her or helps her with her heavy bags. Men don't always know how to be tender in an emotional way...they work with their hands (as God intended) and thus show tenderness, love, appreciation, etc with their hands or their actions. A women who sees this or understands this when a man holds the door for her feels appreciated and her head may swell with something similar to self esteem. She feels lovely and thanks him out of being lovely... I cannot pass by a man or boy of any age who holds a door for me...I want to thank him for seeing me as lovely. My Eli has even picked up on this from his daddy. He often holds the door open for Maddie and I and shuts it when we are out...he may just like to slam the door but we focus on the act, lol! I don't know if all this registered with fifth grade girls but you never know.
I read a very interesting article today. Jessica Stern interviews violent men/terrorists worldwide. Her fearlessness stems from a childhood rape when a man broke into her home and repeatedly raped she and her sister while the other watched. She says in the article that, "something got cut out of me...my capacity for pain and fear was removed". She says she remained "comfortably numb" which allowed her to confront dangerous men without feeling afraid. Her rapist ended up committing suicide after serving in prison for other rapes. She spoke with people who had known him, in her own search for closure, and learned of the possibility of her rapist having been sexually molested as a child. She states the belief that humiliation might play a role in a man/boy becoming a terrorist (we all know terrorist here can mean real terrorists and the men who sneak into young children's bedrooms at night). In her interviews the word "humiliation" comes up all the time. She reports that in Afghanistan there is something called "man loving day" every Thursday. On these days warlords rape boys and spend Friday in prayer that forgives them of these sins. Can you imagine the anger, the HUMILIATION suffered by those young boys. It is safe to assume these boys grow up to replace the men who rape them and the cycle continues meanwhile millions die as a result of terrorism. I was shocked and horrified. There is still the element of "choice" to terrorize another person or persons...but what a huge thing to overcome when it is part of your culture...unbelievable. Certainly answers many questions as to why this world is so messed up. Broken people outnumber the loving ones...and the cycle continues!!
On the fourth day the girls and boys groups met for a relay game. The girls won by a landslide. We left the gym to walk around the building and wait in line to go inside for a snack. The boys group met up behind the girls. Their leader (a man) told them they should hold the door for the girls...the boys did so and then I saw and heard something that felt like the equivalent of shattering glass! The girls started putting the boys down and saying "Nah nah nah we won!" My mouth must have dropped and I told them to stop and we don't treat people like that! I wondered (but not for long) where they would be taught to react to respect by passing on humiliation. I know it takes a lot to motivate boys and girls of a certain age. For lack of better techniques we put boys against girls and drive them to "beat" the other. Whichever team wins is the better sex. YIKES!!! Then we expect boys to graciously hold open doors and girls to know how to receive such a gesture...HOW??? We set them up...we deceive them (even if we don't realize it) and then get "ashamed" or even impatient when they can't act t he way we'd want.
The next day in VBS we were listing ways we can honor God. In Philippians 4:4-9 we even find a sort of checklist on how to double check if what we are doing honors God. We came to "whatever is lovely" and I asked them what "lovely" meant. No one knew and I reminded them of what I had witnessed the day before. I told them that was not lovely! Lovely isn't putting on a new dress or pretty shoes...it isn't a good hair day or the right shade of eye shadow. Lovely was how they should have received the boys sign of respect. No law tells a man he should hold a door open. Men don't do that because they think women are weak. They do it simply because they respect women...they admire women. Their mothers are women...mother's who changed their dirty diapers, who held them when they cried (a man's most vulnerable state) and didn't bring him shame, men have many reasons to respect a woman. He admires the tenderness in her and wishes to bring it out as he holds the door for her or helps her with her heavy bags. Men don't always know how to be tender in an emotional way...they work with their hands (as God intended) and thus show tenderness, love, appreciation, etc with their hands or their actions. A women who sees this or understands this when a man holds the door for her feels appreciated and her head may swell with something similar to self esteem. She feels lovely and thanks him out of being lovely... I cannot pass by a man or boy of any age who holds a door for me...I want to thank him for seeing me as lovely. My Eli has even picked up on this from his daddy. He often holds the door open for Maddie and I and shuts it when we are out...he may just like to slam the door but we focus on the act, lol! I don't know if all this registered with fifth grade girls but you never know.
I read a very interesting article today. Jessica Stern interviews violent men/terrorists worldwide. Her fearlessness stems from a childhood rape when a man broke into her home and repeatedly raped she and her sister while the other watched. She says in the article that, "something got cut out of me...my capacity for pain and fear was removed". She says she remained "comfortably numb" which allowed her to confront dangerous men without feeling afraid. Her rapist ended up committing suicide after serving in prison for other rapes. She spoke with people who had known him, in her own search for closure, and learned of the possibility of her rapist having been sexually molested as a child. She states the belief that humiliation might play a role in a man/boy becoming a terrorist (we all know terrorist here can mean real terrorists and the men who sneak into young children's bedrooms at night). In her interviews the word "humiliation" comes up all the time. She reports that in Afghanistan there is something called "man loving day" every Thursday. On these days warlords rape boys and spend Friday in prayer that forgives them of these sins. Can you imagine the anger, the HUMILIATION suffered by those young boys. It is safe to assume these boys grow up to replace the men who rape them and the cycle continues meanwhile millions die as a result of terrorism. I was shocked and horrified. There is still the element of "choice" to terrorize another person or persons...but what a huge thing to overcome when it is part of your culture...unbelievable. Certainly answers many questions as to why this world is so messed up. Broken people outnumber the loving ones...and the cycle continues!!
A long time...
Yikes, I thought the summer months would bring more time/chances to blog but that hasn't happened.
I realized that I hadn't updated you all on Eli and this journey we find ourselves on with him. After his ear tube surgery he was evaluated again by a special education teacher that I was referred to by one of the speech teachers in the school district. it took about 2 hours but this teacher and about 3 other assistants did numerous "tests' on Eli. For example, they asked him to stack blocks and jump up and down. They asked me pages and pages of questions for information all the way back to my labor and delivery of Eli! I went back a week later to hear the results of their findings. Eli is severely developmentally delayed and speech impaired due to hearing loss. Because of these things they were able to develop an IEP (Individualized Education Plan). What this is is a "list" of specific needs and adaptions Eli will need to be able to learn in a classroom and to catch up to other kids his age. They determined that Eli's communication skills are equivalent to an 18-24 month old. A child's communication skills are directly related to their emotional abilities and problem solving skills, etc. Not only was Eli underachieving in the area of communication but his delay has effected his ability to interact with his peers and "solve problems". He never had the chance to "learn" what things mean or what they do because he could not hear us communicating to him...well, actually, Eli has never hit the "Why mommy" and "What is that?" stage. Starting the end of August Eli will attend the special education preschool held in the Head Start building in town. He will have a regular or special ed teacher and also a speech therapist. He enjoyed being in the classroom during the two visits we made. I have no doubts he will adjust well. I fear the road ahead for him. I fear the long term effects of his hearing loss. I fear the struggle he will face to learn simple things. Thank the Lord Eli and I are separate people.
We all know the dangerous stigma attached to "special education" or "special needs" labels. I am REALLY struggling with this! We are yet again faced with the decision of how much information to tell Evan's family. In light of things that have happened in the last year there is a real trust issue...mostly from me. My fear is that people will lower the "bar of expectation" or even hope for Eli and his future. Evan is concerned that people in the family will begin to "talk down" to Eli after they are told he has "special needs". Evan wants to tell the family because of a recent conversation with Evan's mom and dad. Evan's dad started talking down to Eli as if he and Madeline were the same age. He'd ask, "Eli where is your nose?". Evan later asked me if I noticed that and if it bothered me. I really hadn't noticed. Eli is not a person who will sit and chatter with you (speech delay or not) like Madeline will. Eli is a touchy-feely kid and he wants to relate with you by playing on the floor with you or having you read him a book. Eli's grandparents see him once maybe twice a year so they don't know him in that way. I dismissed Evan's dad's ridiculous questions to Eli because Eli was ignoring him anyway. It bothered Evan though. He wanted to tell his father that he could talk to Eli like a normal kid. I reminded Evan that his father did not know the whole situation so we couldn't judge him too harshly. This sparked a 2 hour discussion on should we/shouldn't we tell them.
Again the trust issue comes up with me. I can handle or process the things the Warden's say or do to me. I know I can be unreasonable at times so I deal with it! I just don't know if I can "hold back" when it comes to things being said or done to my children. There was a suggestion last Christmas that Evan and I were not doing anything to help Eli along with his speech...this sparked a TOTAL pulling away by me! I just felt like "you get one chance and one chance only with guarding the hearts of my babies" and that was it...enter mama bear!! This was before we learned of Eli's hearing loss. I was SO thankful we had taken the road of silence concerning Eli. I had and still have a whole load of guilt over that. Mom's are just supposed to know when something is wrong...and I didn't catch it...I didn't save my baby. I was able to separate my guilt from what Eli needed from me at each interval of his journey...thank the Lord for that! My feeling guilty is mine...it is even moved into grieving in a way. All summed up it is a process. A small scale process in the shadow of other things in my life, but a learning and growing process just the same. I hope to come out on the other side a wiser, less self critical mom! I have learned that grieving in public is a painful mistake no matter what family you were born or married into. The ladies reading these words are my grieving party. A soft place to land and to be patched up. Women who can look at my grief with wisdom and know there are infinite paths to arrive at God's feet and receive His Truth in Love!! You also know this process takes TIME! When I say public grief is a mistake I am reminded of the lack of patience we find with people who can't seem to remember love or compassion when they see someone in pain. I don't always remember these things when I come face to face with someone still in the "shoes I used to wear". I think I know what they need because it worked for me...stop there!!!...just LOVE!!! Love lays the bricks in the path to healing!!
Anyway, Evan and I have not come to a mutual decision concerning Eli and whether we should tell family. I feel like I am throwing him in the deep end...by having to trust that he won't be hurt by words or action of people who aren't always sensitive. We don't know if this problem will have long term effects on Eli. If we tell them now aren't we obligated to continue to inform them on his progress...even when he fails? In me aggressive need for control I know that I will not be able to control what is said about Eli and even who hears. I feel like Eli will stick out like a sore thumb in a family where no one else has "special needs". Evan and I succeed in treating Eli equally at home...but will he find this thoughtfulness everywhere else? Will some people choose to ignore him because "he doesn't understand anyway"? Will Eli's parents be able to control their anger when they see him being treated like he was "stupid"????? What would you all do?
I realized that I hadn't updated you all on Eli and this journey we find ourselves on with him. After his ear tube surgery he was evaluated again by a special education teacher that I was referred to by one of the speech teachers in the school district. it took about 2 hours but this teacher and about 3 other assistants did numerous "tests' on Eli. For example, they asked him to stack blocks and jump up and down. They asked me pages and pages of questions for information all the way back to my labor and delivery of Eli! I went back a week later to hear the results of their findings. Eli is severely developmentally delayed and speech impaired due to hearing loss. Because of these things they were able to develop an IEP (Individualized Education Plan). What this is is a "list" of specific needs and adaptions Eli will need to be able to learn in a classroom and to catch up to other kids his age. They determined that Eli's communication skills are equivalent to an 18-24 month old. A child's communication skills are directly related to their emotional abilities and problem solving skills, etc. Not only was Eli underachieving in the area of communication but his delay has effected his ability to interact with his peers and "solve problems". He never had the chance to "learn" what things mean or what they do because he could not hear us communicating to him...well, actually, Eli has never hit the "Why mommy" and "What is that?" stage. Starting the end of August Eli will attend the special education preschool held in the Head Start building in town. He will have a regular or special ed teacher and also a speech therapist. He enjoyed being in the classroom during the two visits we made. I have no doubts he will adjust well. I fear the road ahead for him. I fear the long term effects of his hearing loss. I fear the struggle he will face to learn simple things. Thank the Lord Eli and I are separate people.
We all know the dangerous stigma attached to "special education" or "special needs" labels. I am REALLY struggling with this! We are yet again faced with the decision of how much information to tell Evan's family. In light of things that have happened in the last year there is a real trust issue...mostly from me. My fear is that people will lower the "bar of expectation" or even hope for Eli and his future. Evan is concerned that people in the family will begin to "talk down" to Eli after they are told he has "special needs". Evan wants to tell the family because of a recent conversation with Evan's mom and dad. Evan's dad started talking down to Eli as if he and Madeline were the same age. He'd ask, "Eli where is your nose?". Evan later asked me if I noticed that and if it bothered me. I really hadn't noticed. Eli is not a person who will sit and chatter with you (speech delay or not) like Madeline will. Eli is a touchy-feely kid and he wants to relate with you by playing on the floor with you or having you read him a book. Eli's grandparents see him once maybe twice a year so they don't know him in that way. I dismissed Evan's dad's ridiculous questions to Eli because Eli was ignoring him anyway. It bothered Evan though. He wanted to tell his father that he could talk to Eli like a normal kid. I reminded Evan that his father did not know the whole situation so we couldn't judge him too harshly. This sparked a 2 hour discussion on should we/shouldn't we tell them.
Again the trust issue comes up with me. I can handle or process the things the Warden's say or do to me. I know I can be unreasonable at times so I deal with it! I just don't know if I can "hold back" when it comes to things being said or done to my children. There was a suggestion last Christmas that Evan and I were not doing anything to help Eli along with his speech...this sparked a TOTAL pulling away by me! I just felt like "you get one chance and one chance only with guarding the hearts of my babies" and that was it...enter mama bear!! This was before we learned of Eli's hearing loss. I was SO thankful we had taken the road of silence concerning Eli. I had and still have a whole load of guilt over that. Mom's are just supposed to know when something is wrong...and I didn't catch it...I didn't save my baby. I was able to separate my guilt from what Eli needed from me at each interval of his journey...thank the Lord for that! My feeling guilty is mine...it is even moved into grieving in a way. All summed up it is a process. A small scale process in the shadow of other things in my life, but a learning and growing process just the same. I hope to come out on the other side a wiser, less self critical mom! I have learned that grieving in public is a painful mistake no matter what family you were born or married into. The ladies reading these words are my grieving party. A soft place to land and to be patched up. Women who can look at my grief with wisdom and know there are infinite paths to arrive at God's feet and receive His Truth in Love!! You also know this process takes TIME! When I say public grief is a mistake I am reminded of the lack of patience we find with people who can't seem to remember love or compassion when they see someone in pain. I don't always remember these things when I come face to face with someone still in the "shoes I used to wear". I think I know what they need because it worked for me...stop there!!!...just LOVE!!! Love lays the bricks in the path to healing!!
Anyway, Evan and I have not come to a mutual decision concerning Eli and whether we should tell family. I feel like I am throwing him in the deep end...by having to trust that he won't be hurt by words or action of people who aren't always sensitive. We don't know if this problem will have long term effects on Eli. If we tell them now aren't we obligated to continue to inform them on his progress...even when he fails? In me aggressive need for control I know that I will not be able to control what is said about Eli and even who hears. I feel like Eli will stick out like a sore thumb in a family where no one else has "special needs". Evan and I succeed in treating Eli equally at home...but will he find this thoughtfulness everywhere else? Will some people choose to ignore him because "he doesn't understand anyway"? Will Eli's parents be able to control their anger when they see him being treated like he was "stupid"????? What would you all do?
Tuesday, May 18, 2010
Is this why??
I have forgotten to update you all on Eli and his hearing, etc. Let's see, I think it was late March when all the evaluations of him came to an end and I sat down with teachers ready to hear what the future held for my son. Eli has a severe developmental delay and is speech impaired. He is enrolled in a Special Education preschool for the fall. It was also recommended that he be enrolled in Head Start so that when he leaves the Special Ed class he can interact with children who are not delayed. I won't hear until next month whether Head Start will take Eli. We over qualify for the income cut off but they give special consideration for special needs children. "Special needs"...all the sudden Eli has an IEP (Individualized Education Plan) and is in Special Ed. What happened? Ugh, he'll go to school 4 days a week from 8am until 12pm...but if he is accepted into the Head Start program he will go 5 days a week from 8am until 3pm. That is what I am struggling with the most. Eli would be gone 7 hours a day 5 days a week...since there is such a great chance he'll be taken into the Head Start program I have been trying to prepare myself now. I just don't know what is best for him. Putting him in Head Start would only add 3 hours a day that he is away from me. I have visited the facilities and asked all my questions. It is a very clean facility, healthy food served and even no doors on the children's bathrooms. He'll be safe as no one is allowed to just walk into the school. It is just a question of me being able to let my baby go! He and I spend so much time together...can I miss him 7 hours a day? Eli needs the Special Ed program, I know that. I have just been crying over the other part...just the letting him go! PLUS, I don't know these people! They said that I can come and volunteer in the class and that helps a little. Still, these new teachers are strangers to me. He has been enrolled in the preschool at our church this last year. I actually struggled a little with not knowing his teacher there too. I can remember one day the teacher's aid come to me and was talking about something he had done when she was taking him to the bathroom...all the sudden it hit me, "I don't have any idea who this woman is and she is alone with my son in the bathroom!" I had to really allow my husband to talk me out of ripping Eli out of that school! I knew the school's director and I trust her. She loves both my children and in my heart I knew she would never cause them harm directly or indirectly. I just don't know these new teachers and yet I am handing over one of my most precious things to them!
Last Friday, Eli graduated from said preschool. I really wanted to soak in the moment. His first of many monumental moments. Madeline had other plans. She thought sitting in her seat was highly over rated. Eli also thought cooperating with his classmates was too cool for him. He decided to lay down on the stage in between the songs and would only stand up when the audience clapped. Everyone around me was looking back and saying how cute he was...I was too embarrassed to laugh at what was going on! I think that might be because Eli's teacher had been telling me all week how Eli couldn't seem to understand what was expected. She knew about his delay and did what she could to help him understand...it was just beyond anyone's abilities to help Eli. I tried my best to laugh at him being silly up on stage but I couldn't ignore it as another sign of him being so far delayed from his peers. When we got home...I just got overwhelmed with a sense of loss and sadness. I cried and cried. I cried for my son not staying little. I cried having to let him go. I cried over not being able to control the bad things that have and will happen to him. Now we move from a safe, normal preschool into Special Ed...where judgement and the stigma of being special needs lurks everywhere. Everything for the last 5 months has been clouded in Eli's disability. I even find myself being too over protective when he is around family. No one knows what has been going on in Eli's life. I have been so abusive of myself as his mother..I feel like a failure. I feel like it is my fault Eli has this problem. If I had paid more attention this would never have escalated! I look at my son and I just want to apologize to him all the time...what if this effects his ability to learn for the rest of his life. What have I done??
I have a goal though. I know myself well enough to know that I will wrestle with letting Eli go but I also need to give myself time over the summer to be prepared when the day comes. It is best that he attend the Special Ed preschool. If he is accepted into Head Start..well, we can face that when it becomes a fact. To judge Eli's intelligence or to lower the bar of expectations for his abilities would be unfair. I would be no better than the other's who taunt or look down and feel sorry for the special ed. kids. To treat him differently or to allow others to treat him differently would be a disaster...a disaster in my relationships with those people and a disaster to my son's self esteem. My goal is to come to value the process Eli will go through as he (hopefully) regains the skills he has lost or never developed as a result of his hearing loss. I am not there yet...I still mourn for him being labeled "special needs" because of the stigma it unwillingly drags along with it. I mourn for the challenge he faces...so much for a little boy. I worry about the unknown and lasting effects. But, I look toward the goal. I look forward to Eli's and my first real sentence exchange. I look forward to getting to know my son and discovering what his voice sounds like. I just look forward to passing over this hurdle in his life...in our family and taking the knowledge with us. May my son learn early on to face challenges unhindered!!!
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