I often have times where I wish life were like a fairytale. I mean a serious fairytale. The princess is born the most beautiful little girl in all the land. Her mother is kind and her father is strong but wrapped around the heart of his little princess. He watches her grow and fights the pain of letting her go when the handsome prince comes and asks her to marry him. She (of course) makes an amazing bride with a killer sparkling gown. She is strong and confident like her mother and kind hearted like her father. She marries and has beautiful and perfect children. She never gets fat and wrinkles are reserved for the witch. Her husband adores her and her children seem to see a halo whenever they look at her. Other women in the land see her as something to become. Her humility and kindness keep her ego in check. She instructs her children in the lessons of love and good character, just like her mother did. She grows old gracefully and dies in her sleep.
I "wake" up to the sounds of my kids fighting or the television with a rush of guilt that overwhelms me because they know more about Elmo than any other subject! Life is no fairytale...it isn't even a sitcom. People get stretch marks, wrinkles corrupt the youth you can hardly remember...mommy's and daddy's don't always love their children and sometimes they don't even stay around. The "princess" is not always the center of her family always encouraging the right thing or what is honorable.
I always wonder how someone becomes one of those women...or better yet one of those moms. You know the ones. The moms that believe in their children when they want to become a rock star...an astronaut...or the first monkey to swim across the Atlantic. The moms who inspire their kids as if they and June Clever were directly related. Who's knowledge of wisdom and truth seems to be whispered in her ear directly from the lips of god...she always has the right answer. The moms who work 40+ hours a week and still manage to go to the gym, make dinner, and read to their kids...what space-time continuum have they plugged into??? The ones who's kids grow into loving human beings that feed the poor and give back to God. There is your fairytale!! How does a mother love her children just right and keep the extended family happy...how does she keep everything existing in harmony so that even she is content and at peace???
I know all of you are hitting your reply button right about now but let me continue.
First of all, a woman in a fairytale never seems to face a challenge. I can imagine her mind would be goo by the time she has raised her children after having everything handed to her her whole life. She would never struggle and she would never be wrong...sounds good some days but in the end she'd be a mindless and bored woman. She would not have many chances to call on God either.
Still, I wonder what my life would look like if I had been raised like a princess. I often see ad's with children dressed in bright clothes playing in fields of flowers. The sun is out and the weather is perfect. They are smiling and laughing. Mom and dad hold hands nearby. I guess that is what I envision when I picture a safe and loving childhood. Then there is me...I had a field too. I am surrounded by garbage, naked...and it is dark. I hardly notice I am missing my shoes as my face is expressionless. I am alone. I know it sounds like I have hit the bottom again...not so. I just get overwhelmed sometimes at having to learn how to be human because no one taught me how. This Sunday was father's day (you all knew this was coming, didn't you, lol!). It wasn't my worst one, so that was good. I can never seem to let a Father's Day go by without trying to picture my father's face. I can't seem to help it. I will always wonder I guess. My mother could always picture him when something I did or had resembled his...damn how I wished I could rip that picture from her brain!!! It seemed like she stole even his appearance from me. How can one day on the calender make me feel such bitterness and loss...loss as wide as North America. One day of remembrance can reduce me to a nothing again. I might as well be missing the right side of my body if I am expected to maneuver this world without instruction or a physical father. I go to bed and wake up the next day and life goes on. The loss is milder and even put off for another year. I fought back tears more than once Sunday...I just didn't feel like feeling like a fool spending time in this AGAIN!!!
That is not where my father's day ended. In response to my last blog, the lady who I affectionately call my "therapist" asked to meet with me. Oy, do I shutter when she asks me to "meet with her". I know there is something I have done that speaks my damage and there is a way (a way that is often more painful than just keeping going in my damage) to correct it. I know it is best to listen but it just seems easier not to. Long story short (because the details are not quite clear to me just yet...another book to read and study) it is actually unhealthy to keep Eli's grandparents out of what is going on in his life. I HATE WRITING THAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Eli will never get a chance to bond with his family and will at some point in his life feel that he is the reason he has no relationship with these people (followed by a gulp and guilty feelings). My reaction to what has been said about me/Eli is to react in anger and suspicion towards the family. (I AM STILL VERY ANGRY AND VERY SUSPICIOUS!!) Thinking I know what will happen or what will be said if we communicate Eli's issues is a bit ridiculous. Honestly it makes me feel out of control! I don't trust them! How can I offer up one of the people most precious to me....without knowing how to keep him safe?? I am scared. What if they judge me as harshly as I judge myself? What if they find out I am as bad a mom as I think I am? Will they keep comparing Eli to the other kids? What if they think our finally telling all of this excuses them from our reasons not to tell? Evan promised to speak up if anyone treats Eli as if her were retarded. Ugh, now I have to trust my husband!!
I also realized I had probably isolated Evan from his parents. I had asked him not to disclose some things which hurt their communication. Seems as if I have taken on the role of the evil witch in the fairytale. How does this happen? How do the decisions I make feel like the best and turn out to cause trouble? How can my heart be so warped from the truth?
PLUS, turns out I may have suffocated and killed my need for mothering when Diane chose Angie over me. Don't you just love a heaping helping of another problem on top of the huge plate of crap you have already served yourself??? BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! Boo to having to be in relationships! Boo to the possibility of getting hurt again! Boo to the chance I will be overlooked again! Boo to my mother (followed by a punch in the face and a kick to the knee) who should have done all the good mothering in the first place...may you and I never meet in a dark alley!!
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