Stuck...

Something is wrong with me these last few days.  I have been quick to get angry and frustrated.  Yesterday, after searching vigorously for over an hour to find Madeline's sippy cup I just started crying and feeling like anger was literally bubbling inside of me!  I called Evan and explained to him how I was feeling...how could a cup just simply disappear?  I had looked everywhere, I had vacuumed and put all their toys away, and I had even searched in places where she would never go...the cup had simply disappeared!  I hated feeling out of control and unorganized...I HATE losing things.  Evan wasn't in the mood for my hysterics and called me "crazy"!  I hung up on him and promptly said something I was glad he would never hear!  I was alone in our bedroom so the kids hadn't heard me yelling and crying either.  Ugh, what was the big deal?  Aside from my feeling out of control!!

It started again today.  I took the kids outside and it seemed like every 17 seconds I was telling someone to stop throwing sand or putting it in their hair.  Eli went missing for a few minutes and would not come when I was calling (okay, screaming) for him.  Madeline REFUSED to SIT to eat her lunch...then decided licking the trash can was more appetizing.  After I had told her "NO!" and moved her away from it..she got up and waddled right back over to it, looked over at me...AND LICKED IT AGAIN!  I threw my hands up and said that was it she was going for an early nap.  I couldn't handle any more disobedience...the anger was bubbling up again!

I usually have no patience when I am tired.  Maddie still doesn't sleep through the night.  This morning she was up around 4:30 clapping and getting her leg stuck in the rails of the crib (her new talent I suppose).  I just can't seem to get over my exhaustion and still find a way to be a good mother...one who does not spend 87% of the day in tears, regret, and screaming!!!  I feel like something is wrong with me...but what??

I feel like an incredible failure...I feel like my mother.  My children can't possibly be enjoying me and I have to admit that I haven't enjoyed them over the last few days.  I feel like I live for their bed time or at least for when Evan gets home so that he can be the bad guy!  I don't know what is blocking me...or whatever this is!!  I don't know what to do to get rid of this!!  I have even resorted to taking something to help me sleep so that I could feel rested the next morning...as long as Madeline stays asleep all night!

Sometimes I want to live in a picture.  Where the smiling moments are frozen and the kids are still...I wonder if I could sleep with my eyes open!!