I woke up this morning feeling like the evil inside of me was up to my eyeballs and soon my husband and everyone would see it...how long can I keep hiding what I am? I don't know where this is coming from! It might be the stress of having a visitor or it could be the 2:30 am wake up call from Maddie! I get this way when I am tired. All the surface things can't seem to hold up and I feel stripped down without a defense or a support.
I once again find myself in a battle with the in-laws. Diane can't understand why I don't trust everyone that she trusts. I am not sure what in our relationship ever pointed to my being able to trust in abundance! In her eyes this is wrong. I am wrong! I can forgive the past and I am closer than ever...but why would I ever forget it? For one thing it helps other people for me to remember what it feels like to feel pain so deep you feel like it has become you. Our pasts create a commodore and a bond...a very special bond. As we move beyond the past we carry each other along over the good days and the bad. No, I will never forget...I will never be normal and I like that. I trust the woman who read these posts. There is no doubt about that. I just get so so so so tired of being wrong. I get so exhausted from trying to live up to standards that are unattainable. I am never going to be sweet, quiet, or sensitive like my sisters-in-law. It would be so refreshing to be told things that are good about me...things I am doing right. There has to be something...right?!
Having my sister here, although exhausting, is quite validating. I don't think I have ever cooked so many meals back to back in my life! But I watch her go about her day. I see that she doesn't offer to do dishes or help me in the kitchen...now that doesn't bother me or shock me at all. I was and still am the same way. To us, those things were punishments. In our house chores were...like breathing. They were 24/7 and very tedious and stressful. Often times me were made to repeat them for whatever reason she could pull out of her manipulative mind. Chores caused fear and anxiety. They were solid proof we were worthless..."I can't even clean the floor right!" Because chores like these were and are still saturated in anxiety...we avoid them if there is a chance for failure. I have been accused more than once in the Warden family of avoiding "work". Try explaining to someone why washing dishes makes you feel like you are going to have a panic attack!! They will never understand that. So, yes, watching my sister is validating. She also just doesn't think that way. We were never given a chance to offer to help. It just never came up...we were violently told to clean this and clean that. We were told we were disgusting and made to clean up after ourselves...thus the feeling of being a greasy, smelly, bloated bum was attached to household chores...um, again, try to relay that feeling to a "normal" person! I can recall that most Saturdays we were woken very early by my mother screaming at us to get downstairs and clean up the house or to clean our rooms...vacuum, scrub the floor, do the dishes...(is anyone else flashing back to Cinderella?). Talk about anxiety and fear from sun up to sun down. The weekends were the worst because our days didn't have the interruption of school. This is where I come from...and now I try to live in a world with expectations weighing heavy. I often feel like I am running a race with only one leg...but no one can see I am missing a leg or they just don't care. "She's had all this time to recover lets start living life like the rest of us!" I can't live like the author of the Tutu blog in the real world or the world of the Warden's. I had found a balance though. I can pretend or just keep my feelings out of my interactions with them. Since I don't really want to share that part of my heart with them...it was working and it felt good. I pretended to be normal and I even felt normal. I came here when things hurt me or bothered me...worked through it...and kept moving on. Am I wrong here? It kept the peace! We even spent a night at Joel and Angie's house and there was NO PROBLEMS!!! Can you believe it??? I separated the "tutu" in me from the "Warden" in me...and it was peaceful. I know this isn't trusting the Warden's...but I say again, it was peaceful! I don't know that I want to move away from this system! I fill myself up with these posts and your responses. I am just filled up in every corner. It feels so unsafe to let the Warden's back in...because I will mess up again and I will feel wrong again. Ugh, I don't want to go back there. What would you do?
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