The sweetest boy!

I know that I usual focus on my Maddie because she is a girl...and I am a girl, but I feel compelled to open my heart up with my little boy. I loved the first time someone couldn't remember my name and said "You are Eli's mom!". It set off little butterflies in my heart. I am Eli's mom! I was scared to death..seriously, when I was told I would be having a boy. What do I do with a boy? I read as many books as I could find and I was opened up to a world of love and a bond that could never be duplicated...being the mother of a little boy like Eli. It has not been your "normal" child raising with Eli. He has a speech delay and that has made numerous things more difficult than they would be otherwise. I am often around children his age and I get a deep ache in my heart. Other 3 year olds are talking about baby Jesus, and their friends, and telling their mother's that they love them. Eli can't or doesn't do those things. I felt like a heathen when I realized that Evan and I had not told Eli about baby Jesus. We realized that there are a lot of things we haven't taught Eli because we are unsure of how much he understands. I get very little feedback when I talk to him or read to him. He doesn't show a mental delay. We are beginning the process to get him into speech therapy. It breaks my heart into pieces to think he might have a struggle like this when he begins school. I search back over his life to find what I did wrong...did I cause this huge problem in his development?

Sometimes I sit back and just watch him. Trying not to let my mind be crowded in what he can't do. He has the most excitable and expressive face. His eyes brighten when he smiles. He laughs more than he cries...most days! I have been most blessed when I watch him with his sister. When she first came he wanted to hold her all the time. He would take the bottle from my hand and go and feed her. I would often here or see him walk over to where she was laying and he would say, "Hey girl"...that is her nickname now, because of the "name" he gave her. he loves babies and loves to kiss them on the head just like he had done with Madeline. When she could move around and touch his toys he became less affectionate...as to be expected. Every now and then I will catch him giving her her pacifier or getting a tissue to wipe her nose...even giving her a bite of his snack. I see a heart in my boy...a heart that I had prayed so hard. I pray that he is just like his daddy. I pray that he is more generous than the world would expect. I often feel a little hand around my arm and he will be looking up at me and all he'll want is a kiss. Perhaps my favorite task is the boo-boo kisser. He doesn't get hurt a lot...not for lack of falling, he has a hard head, but sometimes he will come up to me crying and I'll ask where his owie is, he will point, and I will lay a gentle kiss...and the tears dry up immediately. What a powerful message to my heart...I am his mommy.

I have often been intimidated when I hear or read of people thanking their mother's for their sacrifices and their hard work in raising them...just general deep love of mothers. I have even read books where people suffer a huge gap in their lives and in their personalities because they didn't have a mother. How can I ever live up to such expectations? How can I mean so much to these two people? I couldn't possibly ever mean that much to someone. What if I mess up? What if I am not the best? What if I can not teach them to be kind, loving, and fair? I am none of those things...how can I teach them? We went into Wal-mart on Saturday and passed the veterans collecting for Toys for Tots. Evan said that he would look for toys to donate. I agreed but was chastising myself because if it had been me alone with the children...I probably wouldn't have donated. I am not giving. I know I am living by the horrid example I was given but that is no longer an excuse...a fact...but the time has come to overcome. We found some toys and gave them to Eli to drop in the box. He wasn't sure what to do and wasn't too sure he wanted to give the box of cars away. I was hoping that that was the beginning of my son learning to be a giving man. To be so thankful for what he has that he would want others to "have" as well. I have learned that giving from feeling guilty is not selfless...it is selfish in a way. Wanting to give so that you don't have to feel bad just doesn't sit well in me. I want to teach myself and my children to give because of the joy we have in receiving. Giving so someone else can feel the joy of receiving is what I want to be their motivator. That is selfless. Isn't that why we buy and wrap up gifts for our kids or family? Not because it is expected but because we searched for something that we knew would excite them. The look on their faces is thanks enough...you have communicated your love this time in a gift.